


my thoughts on you

by Minirainbow



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, F/F, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, dubchaeng mentioned, jeongmi are dating, other idols show up, school meal club arent really here sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2020-07-29 18:09:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 103,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20086534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minirainbow/pseuds/Minirainbow
Summary: Sana had always dreamed of meeting her soulmate, had always hoped for her own fairytale love.But not like this, she had never wanted it like this.





	1. there's no feelings in my way

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter of the long awaited Soulmate AU is here! Thank you for your patience, I hope it lives up to your expectations. This was really fun, yet at times difficult, to write. Once again un-BETA'd so all mistakes are mine!!
> 
> How this soulmate universe works is when soulmates first kiss they see what will be each others favourite colours, and then as they spend time together other colours crop up until, eventually, you can see them all.

Moving to Korea from Japan had been nothing short of terrifying for Sana. It'd been very much necessary, the dance program at Yonsei University was nothing short of perfect, but having to leave her family and friends behind in Osaka, move to a whole new country and do it all alone had been horrible.

Meeting, and then befriending, Momo made everything so much more bearable. Before she met Momo she'd felt so lost, stranded in a country where the language wasn’t her native tongue, with no friends and thus no one to confide in.

But then Momo oh so unceremoniously stumbled into her life, quite literally, the day before classes started and essentially saved her college experience.

Had it been anyone else, Sana would've been monumentally pissed off that her coffee had just been knocked out of her hands. But the second after the cup hit the floor, the offender started apologising profusely in Japanese and Sana completely forgot to be mad, she hadn't been that excited in ages. After sensing Sana was, oddly enough, not at all mad, Momo had taken the liberty of introducing herself and the rest was history.

The more she learned about Momo the more it felt like them meeting was destiny, they'd always been fated to meet - a large part of her even believed they were soulmates, but she was more than content with just friendship at that time, not willing to drive away her only friend. They were both dance majors from Japan, Momo from Kyoto and Sana from Osaka, with dreams of being choreographers and/or owning a dance studio.

It felt like the only natural thing to do was to become best friends. The first couple months of college they were inseparable, truly becoming each other's rocks as they navigated the difficulties of university in South Korea together.

As they spoke to more people, made more friends, their little bubble that surrounded them burst and they were well and truly thrust into the college experience. But despite branching out, meeting new people and generally doing things without each other - their friendship remained unscathed and even grew stronger.

Momo and her weren't soulmates, and Sana was more than okay with that. Momo was the sister she'd never had and always craved, and that was magical in it's own right.

The only thing the pair disagreed on was the subject of soulmates; their views on the topic were quite different. Growing up in different family environments and exposure to different experiences with soulmate couples and non-soulmate couples had drastically changed their opinions on them, whether or not they truly mattered.

Neither of them had met their soulmate yet, it was pretty rare for people to meet their soulmates before college; drunken make out sessions at parties were the most common way people met their soulmate.

Momo had always said she 'didn't really mind who her soulmate was' and that if she fell in love with someone she'd want to be with them, regardless of if they were her soulmate or not. Because, despite her parents being soulmates and very much in love with each other after many years together, they had always told her how lucky they'd been to meet their soulmates; that there were millions of people who never meet their soulmate. She'd grown up surrounded by people in love who weren't soulmates, couples who'd been together decades but weren't "fated by the universe to be together" - as Sana put it.

Sana had a completely different view, having always been near obsessed with the idea of soulmates and been exceedingly keen to find her own, fall in love and be together. Having grown up in a house surrounded by love, with parents who were soulmates and the epitome of happiness, it would've been incredibly difficult for Sana not to be excited at the prospect of having a soulmate.

The story of how her parents met was nothing short of magical, something that belonged in a movie or in a boom detailing the intricacies and wonders of true love.

She remembered telling Momo the story for the first time, Sana always so eager to share it. Explaining excitedly how it was destiny that had thrust her parents together.

The story of how her dad was walking home from a bad blind date when he bumped into her mother, who had gotten lost on her way to her own blind date. Her father had valiantly offered to show her the way there, only to find, when they arrived, that her mother had been stood up. Not wanting to waste the reservation, they decided to have dinner together and the rest was history.

It was a story Sana would never get tired of hearing not telling; she'd heard many stories of how soulmates met but that one would always be her favourite - admittedly she was likely biased, but she stood by her belief it was the most magical soulmate story she'd heard.

Sana could only wish hers would be half as wonderful.

The topic of soulmates was something Sana would never get tired of gushing about, and Momo would always laugh whenever Sana brought it up. Sana loved learning about how soulmates met, liked listening to people excitedly talk about how magical it felt. Momo's parents had a pretty textbook first meeting - they'd met in college and then kissed at a party and discovered they were soulmates - but were hopelessly loved up all the same.

Initially, Momo tried to talk to Sana about dating people other than her soulmate; she told her about all the non-soulmate couples she knew and how happy they were. But it very quickly became evident that it wasn't working.

It was a point of view Sana had really struggled to comprehend at first - the idea someone could actively denounce the prospect of having a soulmate in favour of being with someone else, was not one she was familiar with nor one she agreed with. Yet, Sana valued her friendship with Momo more than she disagreed with that opinion.

The pair made an agreement that Sana could talk about soulmates as much as she wanted around Momo, but she wasn't allowed to ever try to convince Momo to not date someone who wasn't her soulmate. They weren't allowed to meddle in each other's love lives.

  
  


The first person they befriended and added to their little duo was Jeongyeon. She was the annoying girl in Sana's dorm who would leave passive aggressive post-it notes about people not cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen; everyone else in the dorm found it irritating, but Sana found it hilarious.

It took them a while to officially meet, they first started talking when Sana started to write little replies on Jeongyeon's angry post-it notes. She'd ask things like how her day was going, asking what her major was (it was journalism, she said she’d always wanted to be a journalist), and simple questions as such.

Their little note writing continued for a couple of weeks, Jeongyeon's post-it notes were no longer used to beg for people to clean up and were used for Sana and Jeongyeon to have little conversations with each other.

Once again, it felt like something from a movie, and Sana could only pray that Jeongyeon was her soulmate.

She would whine to Momo about how she was near certain Jeongyeon was her soulmate, but that they had yet to meet because Jeongyeon was never around when she was. And, as always, Momo would just laugh at Sana's over dramatic complaints and tell her that she was 'certain this was likely the universe's doing' and that 'it would all work out in the end.'

It took a little over 3 weeks after Sana and Jeongyeon's note exchange began for them to bump into each other in the kitchen. At first Sana thought nothing of it until she noticed the wad of post-its in the girls hand, immediately recognising them as the ones Jeongyeon had used to write to her. It felt like the climax of a romance movie; the love interests meeting for the first time.

"Jeongyeon?" Sana asked timidly, the butterflies in her stomach refusing to settle when Jeongyeon turned to meet her eyes, and frowned slightly.

"That would be me." She answered cooly, pausing for a moment, clearly expecting Sana to introduce herself. "Who are you?"

"Oh, shit, sorry. I'm Sana, the girl who's been writing to you." Sana replied anxiously, the butterflies in her stomach seemingly multiplying when Jeongyeon flashed her an easy smile.

"Ahh, nice to finally meet you, Sana." Jeongyeon grinned at her. "Funny how we've been talking all this time but we never once met."

"Nice to meet you too." Sana smiled back, before she spotted the half written post-it in Jeongyeon's hand. "What were you going to write today?"

"Oh, I was gonna ask you if you'd met your soulmate yet." Jeongyeon spoke so casually it made Sana exceedingly anxious. "To be honest I'm surprised it never came up before in our little notes as it's usually one or the first things people ask you, especially here." 

"No, I haven't met my soulmate yet." Sana shrugged as nonchalantly as she could, almost dreading having to return the question. "Have you met yours?"

Jeongyeon smiled softly at the question, almost bashfully as she paused for a moment before responding. Sana already knew her answer.

"Yes I have, her name is Mina, we met when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman." Jeongyeon spoke so warmly, love shone through her tone. "She moved here from Japan for high school, we were friends for months first but there was always just this strange energy between us - I could feel it in my chest whenever I was around her. So I just kissed her, and boom; colours started appearing."

Sana had always enjoyed hearing about people meeting their soulmates and falling in love, but this time she couldn't help but feel cheated by the universe; having felt she'd come so close to her movie esqe soulmate story - yet having been not at all close to it after all. She felt even more frustrated she'd let herself get her hopes up like that, persuaded herself a girl she'd never met was her soulmate and then let herself be upset when it wasn't the case.

However, she wasn't going to let her own selfish wishes take over her; so she stood quietly, smiled politely and listened to Jeongyeon ramble on about Mina.

  
  


It took a little while before Sana got over her embarrassment of believing Jeongyeon to be her soulmate. She stopped replying to Jeongyeon's notes, and sending her own, and wouldn't go into the shared kitchen if Jeongyeon was there.

Momo just laughed at her ridiculousness, repeatedly reminding her Jeongyeon had no clue she thought they were soulmates, thus Sana really had no reason to be embarrassed. It took Momo deliberately introducing herself, and consequently befriending Jeongyeon, before Sana was willing to speak to Jeongyeon again.

Despite Sana's initial reservations, Jeongyeon started hanging out with her and Momo more. The three of them just clicked as a trio, Jeongyeon and Momo fell into easy banter with Jeongyeon teasing Momo, and Momo playing along and being extra silly to make the pair laugh.

Hanging out with Jeongyeon made Sana feel like a kid again, but also made her feel so heard and protected. The way her and Jeongyeon could go from play fighting to having deep conversations about the future and love in minutes was incredible. She just had this aura about her that made everything so much more fun because she would try to make a joke out of any situation - and even though most of them would fall flat - it was so refreshing.

But the way that could change so quickly, the second anyone spoke badly about either Sana or Momo, Jeongyeon was there to defend them with her entire existence; wouldn't stand for anyone mocking them for their 'limited Korean'.

If Momo was her sister, Jeongyeon came to feel like her childhood neighbour that she'd grown up with as well.

  
  


Through Jeongyeon they, eventually, met Mina.

Mina was everything Jeongyeon wasn't, and that was what made them so perfect for each other.

Mina fit into their little group perfectly, and it was as if she'd been there from the start. The way she easily picked up on little inside jokes they had, making jokes of her own that had them rolling on the floor with laughter. Her being Japanese as well meant Sana, Momo and Mina would often talk amongst themselves in Japanese; purposefully ignoring the way Jeongyeon would whine and beg for them to speak in Korean because she didn't like not knowing if they were making fun of her or not (they often were).

Sana hadn't met her soulmate yet, but for the first time in her life she was fine with just having 3 platonic soulmates instead, for the time being at least.

Mina was still in high school, but had a full gymnastics scholarship to Yonsei University for the following year, so she couldn't hang out with them as often as she wanted, but when she was free (and not spending time alone with Jeongyeon) the four of them would be inseparable.

Momo and Jeongyeon enjoyed messing around together, getting into tickle wars and play fighting with each other; and whilst they did that (when Sana wasn't in the thick of it with them) Mina and Sana would have deep conversations about soulmates and relationships.

Meeting, and consequently befriending, Mina was something Sana never wanted to take for granted. As much as she loved Momo with every fibre of her being, she could tell Momo didn't want to talk about soulmates or just wouldn't return their conversations with equal levels of enthusiasm. But Mina was just like her when it came to soulmates.

Hearing about what it was like to see colours made Sana anticipate meeting her soulmate more than ever. The excited way Mina would describe them to her, explaining all of her favourite colours and which ones reminded her of Jeongyeon made Sana smile uncontrollably, even though she'd never seen the colours before.

Sana and Mina had this unspoken bond where Sana knew she could tell Mina anything without anyone else ever knowing. She truly was the confidant she'd been so desperately needing; the girl truly had this way with words where she could just make any problem Sana had seem so easily fixable - the girl was nothing short of a genius. It was hard to believe she was younger than them sometimes, she was just so wise.

  
  


Im Nayeon was like nobody she'd ever met before, and no one she'd ever meet again. The way the girl just waltzed her way into their lives one February night and changed everything.

Nayeon was the most confident person she'd ever met, no one else she knew would have the guts to strut up to where a small group of random people were sitting and just join them; inserting herself into the group as if she'd been there all along. They hadn't even learnt her name yet, and she hadn't learnt theirs, but she sat talking to them as if they'd been friends for months. And truly, none of them had minded either.

There was just something about Nayeon that made you want to get to know her, the second she entered Sana's life she couldn't imagine living without her in it.

Parties with Nayeon were like a whole other world, the girl seemingly knowing everyone and anyone who she would come across; talking her way into exclusive after parties with the rich kids of the university. Jeongyeon would always pass on these parties, but Sana and Momo would always be exceedingly excited to attend them.

For the first few weeks of their friendship with Nayeon it was as if she didn't exist if she wasn't at a party; Sana couldn't tell if the girl was a figment of her imagination or if she was real, she found herself near desperate to see the girl at all times. For someone she'd known for such a short space of time, Nayeon had truly captured Sana's interest.

  
  


The first time Sana saw Nayeon outside of a party, when she herself was sober, was a monday morning in early March; Sana was near certain she was dreaming at first, not used to seeing Nayeon in anything other than a full face of makeup and a short, skin tight dress. She almost didn't recognise her, but then Nayeon smiled those charming bunny teeth were on full display and there was absolutely no mistaking.

Getting to know Nayeon sober was just as exciting as being around her drunk - but for vastly different reasons.

Drunk and sober Nayeon could not be more different. Drunk Nayeon was a complete wild card, there was an aura of mystery surrounding her as you would never truly know where the night would end up nor who you would spend it with; she was loud, excitable and impatient - never wanting to stay in one place for more than 2 hours. Drunk Nayeon was, most noticeably, much more affectionate and had zero filter; Sana could not count the number of times she and Nayeon had kissed, both pecks and full blown make outs, nor the amount of times Momo and Nayeon had kissed - but it wasn't awkward afterwards and she never regretted it, kissing Nayeon was fun.

Sober Nayeon was the complete opposite in nearly every way. She was an open book, everything was planned meticulously with her but she would always find ways around her plans to hang out with her friends. Whereas drunk Nayeon was loud, excitable and impatient; sober Nayeon was soft spoken, she was still excitable, but it was channelled into calmer enthusiasm, and she was as patient and calm as they come.

It was almost believable to say drunk and sober Nayeon were completely different people; Sana could almost believe that drunk Nayeon was a persona, the traits of Nayeon she had tried so hard to repress.

Nayeon brought so much joy into Sana's life; but she also managed to inadvertently ruin one of Sana's main sources of comfort and happiness purely by introducing them all to someone new.

  
  


Park Jihyo had been Nayeon's neighbour as they were growing up, before Nayeon left for university, having known each other for the entirety of Jihyo's life. The two could have easily been confused as actual sisters with how close they were and how much they loved each other.

They met Jihyo at a party in May, the last big party before finals started, giving people a month to cram. Nayeon had messaged their group chat the afternoon before the party excitedly telling them about 'someone she wanted them all to meet' and how 'this person was extremely important to her'. Initially, Sana had thought nothing of it; Nayeon did this a lot, introducing them to people who were 'extremely important to her', only for them to meet once and then never see them again.

But, apparently anyway, Jihyo was different.

It was 11pm the night of the party, and Nayeon was the only person who wasn't drunk, which was a very rare occurrence; exceedingly anxious about when her friend was going to get there. Momo had vanished into the crowds nearly an hour ago, under the pretence of wanting to dance, and they had long given up on her reappearing. Jeongyeon was getting restless, itching to do _ something _other than just sitting there and, a very drunk, Mina was doing her best to calm her, by stroking her hair and slurring, what one could only assume, were meant to be encouraging words that were too slurred to be comprehensible.

Sana was far too busy trying to get the straw for her drink in her mouth to notice Nayeon's excited squeal at the arrival of someone else, nor the way Mina and Jeongyeon were jolted out of their own little world and stood up. She definitely didn't notice Momo's reappearance until Nayeon shook her gently.

The scene in front of her made her chest tighten and her stomach turn with an emotion that she could only describe as a mixture of jealousy and upset.

A girl who, based on the reception she received from Nayeon, Sana could only assume was Jihyo, had her arm casually slung around the waist of an exceptionally inebriated Momo in a fruitless attempt to stop the other girl from falling over. But it wasn't the simple skinship that was making Sana's skin crawl and her brows furrow.

It was the look of sheer adoration and admiration Momo was staring at this Jihyo girl with, as if there was no one else in the room but the two of them.

It was insane how such a simple look was making Sana's heart palpitate, drawing her attention to the point she ignored everything that was going on; nearly missing when Nayeon introduced the girl to everyone.

"Everyone, this is Jihyo." Nayeon spoke with a wide from, unable to contain her excitement. "Jihyo this is Jeongyeon, Mina, Sana and clearly you've already met Momo."

Momo giggled at that, blushing slightly which only served to worsen Sana's jealousy - she could feel the frown painting her features deepen. Jihyo met her eyes for a split second, shooting her a winning smile that only made Sana's chest tighten, because of course she just had to have a stunning smile as well. Fuck Jihyo and her stupid perfect face.

The rest of the party carried on as per usual. Nayeon got shitfaced and kept trying to kiss Momo, who was a lot less willing than normal, Sana dominated at beer pong and then eventually made her way to the dance floor, Jeongyeon and Mina made out for a solid half an hour and then left because Mina was 'tired’.

However, something was different with Momo; Sana immediately realised something was off when the girl didn't join her on the makeshift dance floor. The girl had never been one to pass up dancing, least of all with Sana. At the time Sana was far too drunk to really care, her attention span was too short and she was immediately distracted from worrying about Momo, because Kang Seulgi was doing body shots with Son Seungwan (again).

It was especially strange when, the next morning, Sana was trudging around her dorm extremely hungover and grumpy whilst Momo was cheerful and spritely; Momo had definitely been drunker than Sana when she had last seen her at the party, and she was definitely more susceptible to atrocious hangovers than Sana. Something was not right, but Sana's limited memory of the night before was preventing her from figuring out what it was.

Yet that dull tightness around her ribcage consisted.

  
  


Everything started to come flooding back to her when their group got together the following week. Their weekly group coffee and study sessions were a necessity this finals season, they were where she’d usually get the bulk of her work done, but Sana had never seen Momo so excited to meet up with the rest of them. 

Momo getting ready to go anywhere in Sana's dorm room had become a tradition, the girl never seeming to leave Sana's room other than to sleep, and even that wasn't a certainty. So when Momo strolled into Sana's room already dressed for the day and keen to get going, to say Sana was shocked was an understatement.

That tightness in Sana's chest worsened, but she still didn't know why.

Sana sipped her coffee slowly as Momo fidgeted in her seat, humming along to a song Sana vaguely recognised, whilst they awaited the other two. Momo was wearing this smile she'd only seen once before, when they were in the queue for a Girls Generation concert; Sana really wished she knew what it meant, as she'd spent the last few months under the impression it was her 'Tiffany Young smile', as Momo had put it. But unless they were about to see Tiffany Young, Sana sincerely doubted the smile was restricted to her.

When Nayeon arrived alone, Sana couldn't help but be hyper aware to the fact that Momo visibly deflated, her 'Tiffany Young smile' faltering ever so slightly. Everything came flooding back, all the uncomfortable feelings and memories of that party came rushing back, the second Momo spoke up.

"No Jihyo today, Nayeon?" Momo asked as casually as she could. Sana tried so hard to ignore the way her stomach twisted uncomfortably at the question.

"No, she had to go back home." Nayeon explained with a shrug. "She's still in highschool don't forget, so she can't visit often."

"Oh, okay."

"Why do you ask?" Nayeon probed, that annoying smirk on her face that always spelt trouble. Sana held her breath in anticipation for Momo's response.

"Was just wondering." Momo said shyly, it was hard to ignore the blush that spread across her cheeks. "We just had a really good time at Seulgi’s party, kind of wanted to see her again when I was sober that's all."

Sana released a shaky breath, it hurt a lot to hear but she had no idea why. She had no reason to be so upset, she had no romantic feelings for Momo and yet here she was. The devilish smirk on Nayeon's face really wasn't helping either.

"Has our little Momo got a crush?" Nayeon cooed, pointing an accusatory finger at a very flustered Momo. "How cute, you two would be so cute together."

"Shut up, it's not a crush." Momo whined, batting Nayeon's finger away. "I'm just intrigued by her that's all… stop laughing at me Nayeon, it's not a crush! I barely know her."

"Jihyo has not stopped gushing about you, you know that?" Nayeon teased with a wink, smirking at how Momo's face lit up at the comment.

"Really? What has she been saying?" Momo pressed excitedly, clearly oblivious to the cheeky grin on Nayeon's face.

"'Not a crush' my ass," Nayeon scoffed, statement punctuated with an eye roll, "you should've seen the look on your face when I said that."

"So she hasn't been talking about me?" Momo whined dejectedly with a pout. 

Sana couldn't help but watch the exchange with a tightness around her throat and, what felt like, a gaping hole in her chest. It felt like if she opened her mouth she'd cry, but she couldn't figure out why that was.

"She may have mentioned you a couple of times." Nayeon replied casually. "I mean you could always talk to her yourself and find out."

"And how would I do that, she doesn't live here?"

"Y'know Momoring, for someone so smart you can be a real dumbass sometimes." Nayeon chuckled as she fished her phone out of her pocket, and pointed to something on the screen. "That's her phone number, why don't you give her a text. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you."

It was really hard to ignore the excited way Momo pulled her phone from her pocket and quickly typed the number into it, the way her face was the picture of happiness as she stared at the new contact.

It was even harder to ignore the way Sana felt overwhelming miserable as she watched Momo.

Sana had never been so grateful to see a very disheveled Jeongyeon stumble into the café, a huge hickey on her neck and a fumbled apology for her lateness. Never been so grateful for how quickly the topic was shifted onto mocking Jeongyeon’s scruffy appearance.

  
  


Momo spent a lot of time staring at her phone.

It was almost frustrating the amount of time Momo would spend lying on Sana's bed, whilst Sana was trying to study, just staring at her phone screen and occasionally sighing very loudly, in a blatant attempt to get Sana's attention and/or pity - she was decidedly not studying for the rapidly approaching finals.

Sana had never been annoyed by Momo's presence before, even when the girl was trying her best _ to _annoy her. This whole act of her trying to get Sana's attention, whilst she was studying, was nothing new - it was something Momo was guilty of doing very frequently.

But right now, Sana wanted nothing more than for Momo to either leave or be quiet. Her own guilt from the desires were what was stopping her from doing anything about them. Sana had never been annoyed by Momo's presence before, but right now she was at the end of her tether.

"Jesus Christ Momo, what's wrong?" Sana whipped around to glare at Momo.

"Jihyo isn’t responding to my texts." Momo whined with a pout, kicking her legs in the air. "She probably hates me."

"Don't be ridiculous, she's probably just studying for finals." Sana sighed with an overexaggerated eye roll. "Which is what you _ should _be doing by the way."

"We're dance majors Sana, finals don't matter." Momo scoffed, sitting up on the bed. "Plus I still have plenty of time to study, don't worry."

"Firstly, Momoring, we still have exams for dance you know that. Secondly, you’re also doing a minor in history, don't forget that." Sana pointed out, raising an accusatory eyebrow at Momo. "And your first exam for history is on monday."

"See? I have 4 days that's plenty of time." Momo giggled at Sana, winking at her for added smugness.

"If you pass all your classes I'll be amazed." Sana huffed out a breathy laugh. "God, at this point I'll be amazed if _ I _pass my classes with how much you're distracting me."

"Yeah but you love me, so it's okay." Momo cooed, getting up and strutting over to lay sloppy kisses on Sana's cheeks as she giggled.

"You have no idea how lucky you are that I do." Sana agreed with a giggle. "Now leave me alone so I can study."

"10 minutes of cuddles, and then I promise I'll let you study in peace." Momo begged, whipping out her puppy dog eyes and her biggest pout for added effect.

"Will you study after as well?" Sana asked.

"I promise I'll at least try to." Momo bargained, deep down Sana knew she wouldn't; but cuddles sounded nice right about now.

"You have yourself a deal, Momoring." Sana pushed herself up from her desk chair and let Momo drag her over to her bed and then be envelope in a warm embrace as they lay down. "But only 10 minutes, I really do need to study."

"10 minutes, I promise." Momo agreed, voice muffled from where her face was pressed into Sana's neck.

It was definitely more than 10 minutes.

  
  


Finals came and went faster than Sana imagined, they flew past so fast that Sana barely had enough time to catch her breath and realise what happened. It felt like she’d blinked and completed all of her exams without really thinking about it; having done them all on autopilot. When anyone asked her how she felt the exams went, she’d say they went okay but could’ve gone better; having spent a whole lot less time studying and way too much time being distracted by Momo, the girl had this incredible talent of getting away with anything with Sana.

But as finals came to an end, as Sana finally became more aware of her surroundings and what was going on with her friends she realised nothing was the same as it had been before exams started. And no matter how much she tried to convince herself it wasn’t true that things were different, she knew they were and it was way too difficult to ignore.

Momo was spending less and less time in her dorm room, spending more time cooped up in her own on FaceTime with Jihyo.

Momo had never been a particularly loud person, always content sitting somewhere (usually Sana’s bed) quietly scrolling through her phone, doing her own thing; but now Sana could hear Momo’s voice ring out through the hallway. Her laughter had never been louder, Sana had never heard Momo squeal like that before - it was almost deafening.

Nothing was as deafening as the quiet of Sana’s room now Momo wasn’t there.

Sana was trying really hard to not lose her mind in the silence.

She couldn’t believe just how much she missed the small sound of Momo’s humming as she scrolled through her Twitter feed, or her quiet giggle whenever she saw something funny and she even missed the hushed sound of bass that came from Momo’s headphones whenever she had her music turned up too high. Momo had become somewhat of a constant in Sana’s life throughout her first year at university; their routine hadn’t been perfect but it was something for Sana to hold onto.

It was a little hard to stomach that someone had come along and disrupted everything so easily and so quickly.

  
  


“I’ve decided don’t like Park Jihyo.” Sana grumbled as she sipped her coffee slowly, blowing on the hot liquid gently so it wouldn’t scold her tongue.

“I was kind of expecting that, you’ve been a lot grumpier since her and Momo got closer.” Mina chuckled, leant back in the chair opposite Sana; her aura of coolness completely opposite to Sana’s aura of frustration. “Why don’t you like her then?”

“I just don’t trust her.” Sana continued, the frown painting her features deepening as she thought. “How is it that she can just waltz into our lives and ruin everything. And why isn’t anyone else mad about it, why am I the only one who is?”

“Because you were always closest to Momo, and you feel like she’s stealing Momo away from you.” Mina answered her casually, as if the answer was obvious.

“She’s stealing Momo away from all of us, I’m just the only one who noticed.” Sana scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Hasn’t anyone else noticed how the notorious ‘party girl Momo’ has already died, how she’s spending all of her nights cooped up in her room on FaceTime with some girl she met once.”

Mina watched Sana carefully, not wanting to interject until she was sure the girl had finished her rant; based on the way the girl was angrily drinking her coffee, brows furrowed as if deep in thought and drumming her fingers on the coffee mug in her grasp, it was relatively evident she wasn’t quite done yet.

“And another thing,” Sana started, near slamming her mug back onto the table, “Momo is about to go back to Japan for the summer, it’s a terrible idea for her to start pursuing a girl who lives in Korea. Plus, we don’t know where Jihyo is even going to university next year. What if she goes Hanyang or Kyunghee, or even like Seoul National?”

“Sana, all three of those universities are also in Seoul.” Mina calmly interjected. “So really it wouldn’t be that big of an issue. And, a long distance relationship isn’t that difficult, especially as it would only be for a couple of months; it’s not like they see each other in person everyday anyway.”

“Okay, yeah that’s a good point.” Sana agreed dejectedly, humming to herself for a moment before speaking again. “But what about Momo’s soulmate? How is Momo supposed to find her soulmate if she’s wasting her time with Jihyo? How is Jihyo supposed to meet her soulmate?”

“Sana.” Mina eyed her warningly, an eyebrow raised ever so slightly. “Didn’t you promise Momo you wouldn’t interfere with her dating life? I’m relatively confident that was a deal you both agreed on.” 

“Maybe.” Sana huffed childishly, arms folded over her chest as she pouted.

“How do you know Momo and Jihyo _ aren’t _soulmates anyway?” Mina questioned, genuinely curious about Sana’s logic. “Maybe they are soulmates, we can’t know for sure until they kiss. For all we know they could be soulmates and you’re getting all worked up about Momo’s love life for nothing?”

“They’re not soulmates, Mina.” Sana spoke so calmly, it was the most neutral thing Sana had said so far today. She was so sure of herself, it blatantly evident in her tone, that it actually threw Mina off for a moment.

“How could you possibly know that?” Mina scoffed, rolled her eyes at Sana tiredly.

“Because I can just tell, I don’t know why, but I just know they’re not soulmates.” Sana shrugged, she cut Mina off before she could question her logic. “Just trust me Mina, they’re not soulmates.”

"It feels like you're trying to convince yourself of that, Sana." Mina sighed, she knew it was pointless trying to convince Sana she was wrong, but it was worth trying. “It really wouldn’t be the end of the world if they were soulmates anyway.”

“Trust me, Mina. I know you’re not going to, because it doesn’t make any sense, but I just have this sixth sense about it.” Sana explained, to Sana it made some ounce of sense but to Mina, Sana sounded as if she was blinded by jealousy. “You can call me crazy all you want but I just know it. Momo and Jihyo aren’t soulmates.”

“Sana, just because Jeong and I were lucky enough to meet doesn’t mean everyone else will meet their soulmate.” Mina started, watching carefully as Sana visibly deflated at that comment. “We’ve talked about this before and I thought we’d both agreed that we would just leave Momo be, even if she pursued people who weren’t her soulmate?”

“I know, but- ”

“No ‘buts’, Sana,” Mina interrupted her, “it’s fine if you don’t like Jihyo, no one can make you like her; but, you can’t make up excuses for why you don’t want her and Momo dating. You can’t interfere in their love life or it’s only gonna serve to drive you and Momo apart.”

Sana was silent, staring at the now empty coffee mug in her hands as she absentmindedly worried her bottom lip between her teeth. Mina knew Sana, she knew that right now the girl was wracking her brain to think of excuses and future reasons for her meddling; no matter if the girl knew she was wrong, it was inevitable she’d try to intervene. If anyone had the power to make Sana rethink her entire outlook on anything, it was Mina. The girl just had a way with words, she knew exactly how Sana’s mind worked and it was amazing.

“Okay, I promise I’ll at least _ try _to bite my tongue and keep quiet.” Sana relented, eventually. “I can’t promise I won’t get involved, but I’ll do my best not to.”

“That’s the best I’m gonna get isn’t it?”

“Yeah, most likely.”

“I’ll take that as a victory then.” Mina shrugged, smiling widely at Sana, the other girl returning the smile easily.

“Changing the subject somewhat, did you hear about Kim Jennie and Kim Jisoo?” Sana asked, as if everyone in the whole city hadn’t heard about them.

“Jeongyeon told me, I’m surprised they didn’t already know they were soulmates.”

  
  


The last week on campus before Sana went back to Japan was hell.

When she’d agreed to stay an extra week to hang out with Momo, go out to parties and clubs, and just have fun together like they had at the start of term; she’d fully expected they’d actually spend time together.

Everyone else on their floor had gone home for the summer, leaving just the pair of them alone. Granted, that had been the original plan for the week; they’d have the whole floor, and most importantly the shared kitchen, to themselves for a week leaving them free to mess around together without anyone else getting in the way. But, when they’d planned this, Sana hadn’t anticipated for someone who was not on campus to still be able to ruin their plans, hadn’t foreseen the possibility that Momo may find someone else she wanted to spend time with, more than she wanted to spend time with Sana.

To be fair, no one anticipated that Park Jihyo would come out of nowhere and capture Momo’s attention and heart the way she did. Park Jihyo had known Momo a little over a month, and she’d already managed to make a home in Momo’s thoughts 24/7. And Sana hated it, she hated everything about it. She hated that dull ache in her chest that hadn’t gone away since the first time she saw Jihyo, since the first time she saw the way Momo looked at her.

It was funny really, the way Jihyo had waltzed into their lives and caused two very different reactions to her, coming from the pair people would often claim shared brain cells based on how scarily similar they were. Mina would often joke that it was if Jihyo had a superpower as she was the second thing Sana and Momo had ever disagreed upon; but realistically Sana knew it was because she was the best representation of the only other thing the pair disagreed on.

Because Momo and Jihyo weren’t soulmates, Sana had never been so sure of anything in her life, but she could tell they were falling for each other; or at least Momo was falling for Jihyo - Sana was losing her best friend to a girl who wasn’t even her soulmate, and it was a lot harder to stomach than she’d ever imagined.

What made it that much worse was seeing Nayeon and Jeongyeon constantly hyping Momo up in their group-chat, desperately trying to convince her to ask Jihyo out on a date because ‘her non stop pining was killing them’ and ‘if she didn’t ask Jihyo out someone else definitely would’. Pretending to be excited for Momo was a lot harder than it should’ve been and nothing made Sana feel worse than knowing she couldn’t bring it in herself to support her best friends blossoming relationship. Her own belief system and overwhelming obsession with soulmates was ruining her relationship with her best friend; and she was the only person that knew it. 

In her defence, however, it was so difficult to be supportive of the potential couple when Jihyo was getting in the way of her time with Momo.

What was supposed to be a week of ‘best friend time’, as Momo herself had put it, turned into a week of Sana trying desperately to get Momo’s attention only for her to be ignored in favour of Jihyo. It was hard to not be furious, for Sana to not feel cheated and like she was second best. She was mad at Jihyo, but not Momo.

Sana could never be mad at Momo.

  
  


Momo asked Jihyo to be her girlfriend on the 23rd of June, the day before she left to go back to Japan.

Even though she and Jihyo had agreed to keep their relationship secret over the summer, despite them deciding to keep it a secret from all of their friends and thus them not telling anyone; Sana knew.

It felt like someone had a foot on her chest that entire day, she never truly understood what it meant to be heartbroken until that day - and she didn’t even know why. 

Jihyo had come into her life and made her so miserable, she was ruining everything for Sana and she didn’t even realise it. That was, arguably, one of the worst parts; because she really wanted to hate Jihyo but something in her wouldn’t let her.

The summer was long and difficult. Sana threw herself into learning new choreographies and improving her dance skills as a way of ignoring how badly her heart was aching. She'd spend hours upon hours shut away at her dance studio, where she had trained for so many years, causing her parents to worry about her and her entire body to ache. But Momo was still always too busy to FaceTime so she couldn't find it in herself to want to do anything else.

Their groupchat was as active as ever, her 4 closest friends seemingly never shutting up, yet Sana felt painfully alone and isolated. 

  
  


Jihyo got accepted into Yonsei. She went from the outsider of their group, with a few connections, someone Sana could ignore if she tried hard enough, to being a full part of it; even being added to their groupchat. Sana was really starting to dread sophomore year.

  
  


Momo and Jihyo told everyone they were official the week before the new school year began. They'd all come back to campus to settle in before the new year, and Momo had called a meeting in their new apartment, the one Momo, Sana and Jeongyeon were sharing; she’d deliberately tried to keep the subject of the meeting a secret, but Sana knew in her gut what it was about. If Momo’s giddy expression was anything of a clue, the way she excitedly ushered Mina and Nayeon into the apartment and had them sit next to Sana and Jeongyeon on their couch.

Her suspicions were proven to be correct when Momo and Jihyo stood up in front of the four of them, their hands laced together and expressions a picture of young love. They didn’t need to say the words, didn’t need to tell them what the little gathering was about, because if nothing else, the way Sana’s throat closed and all the air escaped her lungs was telling enough.

Sana couldn’t help but feel cheated, but there was nothing she had been cheated out of.

She plastered on the most realistic smile she could muster as she watched Nayeon tackle Momo and Jihyo into a bear hug, squealing excitedly as the other two giggled; watched Jeongyeon cheer and clap loudly, shouting out an exasperated _ “finally!” _as Jihyo and Momo blushed wildly. When Mina reached over subtly and laid a hand over Sana’s own, stroking the back of Sana’s hand with her thumb gently, it felt like her heart was about to collapse and that she was going to burst into tears at any moment. The overwhelming jealousy and upset she was feeling at Momo and Jihyo’s relationship was maddening, because she hadn’t realised just how much it meant to her that they didn’t get together.

The last thing she’d wanted was for Momo to be stolen away from her, least of all from someone who wasn’t her soulmate. Sana almost felt guilty for how selfish her feelings were, but rational feelings had never been Sana’s forte.

Momo was like the sister she’d never had, and it was hard to stomach that she was losing her so soon after getting her.

  
  


Sophomore started off a whole lot more intense than freshman year, but Sana had been expectant of that; the choreographies they had to learn for class got harder, the essays they had to write got longer and sleep became more of an enigma. For once in her life, Sana was grateful for the sheer volume of school work as it worked as a nice excuse to be out of the apartment. Their small little flat in the centre of town was supposed to be a space where they’d hang out as a group and have fun together, but lately it had begun to feel like a couple area with Sana as the designated single person.

During her highschool days she’d often found herself as the only single person in her group; her adamance that she’d only date her soulmate meant she had been single for the entirety of highschool, it had never bothered her before until now. She had never had an issue with being the ‘designated single friend’ before, until she was the designated single friend around Momo and Jihyo.

Their apartment had been essentially commandeered by them, with Jeongyeon practically living in Mina’s dorm she was left to suffer through Momo and Jihyo’s new relationship bliss alone - being around them being all loved up was the perfect example of hell on earth in Sana’s opinion. They didn’t even have the decency to move it out of the shared living space and into Momo’s bedroom, Sana couldn’t even count the sheer number of times she’d walked in on them practically dry humping on the couch - but she could recall perfectly how her stomach would twist and her throat would close every time she saw them.

Very quickly into the term Sana essentially moved into the library and the dance studio; spending most of her time out of class sat in the far corner of the library, nose buried in a book about the history of ballet as she effortlessly finished all of her due essays and the required extra reading. When she wasn’t in the library, she was in one of the universities several dance studios going over choreography tirelessly and working on creating her own; she’d dance until her muscles begged her to stop and she physically couldn’t anymore.

It got to the point where she was getting back to the apartment at 2am and then leaving again at 7am, she could tell that Momo and Jeongyeon were worried but she couldn’t bring herself to be there. She just wished she had a reason why.

  
  


“You’re really worrying everyone, Sana.” Mina spoke sternly the second Sana sat in the seat opposite her. Everything had changed in the single month since second year started, but at least these fortnightly coffee mornings with Mina remained a constant. “You do know that, right?”

“I know.” Sana nodded solemnly, taking a sip of her coffee.

“So why do you keep doing this?” Mina pressed gently, Sana could tell she was worried and frustrated but her tone stayed warm and calm. “Why do you insist on disappearing from your flat everyday for like 18hrs, not messaging the groupchat and then telling us everything is fine?” 

“Because everything _ is _fine.” Sana shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. “Sophomore year is just a whole lot more work than I was expecting, that’s all.”

“Bullshit. You and I both know you’re way ahead with your schoolwork, you could take a week off and still be miles ahead of everyone else.” Mina scoffed, leaning back in her chair and raising an accusatory eyebrow at Sana. 

“What? Says who?”

“Says Momo, don’t forget she _ is _in your dance class.” Mina rolled her eyes, Sana had admittedly forgotten that she and Momo shared their main dance class; it wasn’t as if she was actively avoiding her it just happened. “So I know that you don’t have that big of a workload.”

“I just want a good grade.” Sana shrugged coolly, she knew she wasn’t fooling Mina but it was worth a try. “I’m never gonna be a choreographer if I don’t improve.”

“Sana there’s no point lying to me, I can see straight through your bullshit.” Mina sighed. “What’s going on with you? You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“God, sometimes I think you should be a detective or something, you’d get any criminal to confess.” Sana grumbled, taking a long sip of her coffee as Mina smirked smugly. “I just don’t like being in the apartment when Jihyo is there, and she’s _ always _there so.”

“You hate her that much?”

“I don’t hate her, I just hate that she’s stealing my best friend away from me and I can’t do anything about it.” Sana released a shaky breath as she set her mug on the table. “She hasn’t even known Jihyo 6 months and she’s already completely consumed her entire being, she only wants to hang out with Jihyo, talk to Jihyo, look at Jihyo. And it hurts, so I don’t like being around the apartment anymore.”

“Sana…” Mina reached across the table to hold her hand with both of hers, rubbing soothing circles over her knuckles. “Does Momo know you feel this way?”

“No.” Sana shook her head, blinking rapidly in a desperate attempt to stop herself from crying. “I couldn’t possibly tell her. How do you tell someone, someone who is meant to be your best friend, that you want them to pay more attention to you and not their girlfriend.”

Mina watched Sana sadly with a pitiful stare, unsure of what to say. She let go of Sana’s hand with one of her own and reached over to wipe at the tears streaming down the other girls cheeks.

“And, fuck, what if they _ are _soulmates? What if I’m so mad that they are spending time together and it turns out they are soulmates afterall.” Sana choked back a sob. “I wouldn’t even know if they were because I’ve been avoiding them both like the fucking plague.”

“Sana, I’m going to tell you something and you have to promise me you will do two things.” Mina started coolly, eyes searching for Sana’s own. “Firstly, you can’t use this information to try to meddle, and secondly, you have to be supportive of them whatever they choose to do.”

“What is it?”

“Sana, promise me.”

“Okay, I promise I’ll be good. What is it?”

“Momo and Jihyo aren’t soulmates.” Mina said coolly, thumb still brushing stray tears away from her cheeks. “But, they’ve decided to stay together anyway. Because they really like each other.”

“Wait, what?”

“Momo and Jihyo aren’t soulmates, you were right Sana.” Mina reiterated calmly, squeezing Sana’s hand gently.

“I knew it, I could just tell they weren’t soulmates.” Sana grumbled, brows furrowing as she could feel her upset quickly turning into anger. “They’re just too different, I knew it.”

“Sana, don’t forget how different Jeong and I are.” Mina spoke soothingly, trying her best to stop Sana from losing her head. “I know you’re angry right now, but you can’t do anything to break them up; you’ll only drive Momo further away.”

Sana huffed dramatically at that, pouting at Mina to further emphasise her annoyance. She could tell she was being unreasonable and ridiculous, but she just needed to get it out of her system so it didn’t come out around Momo.

“And, how do you know Jihyo and Momo are so different? You’ve barely spoken 2 words to Jihyo, who knows maybe she’s perfect for Momo.” Mina added.

“She’s not perfect for Momo, she’s not her soulmate.” Sana murmured to herself, Mina couldn’t help but feel as if she was talking to a child, not an adult.

“Sana, you’re acting really childish right now.” Mina stated simply, retracting her hands away from Sana to cross them over her chest. “Please, just talk to Momo _ and _Jihyo, either separately or together. Because this shit can’t carry on.”

“Why would I do that?” Sana scoffed.

“Because you’re miserable without Momo, and she’s not much better without you.”

  
  


It must’ve been destiny, because when Sana got back from coffee with Mina, Momo was sitting on the couch in their apartment alone; reading a book about the history of dance. The girl immediately perked up the second she heard the front door close, smiling brightly when she saw it was Sana.

“Was starting to worry I’d never see you during the day.” Momo teased, as if they’d been talking as normal the past few months and nothing had changed.

“Thought I’d grace you with my presence.” Sana fired back, grinning cheekily at Momo as she moved to sit next to her on the couch.

“Sana.” Momo started, her eyes studied Sana’s face gently, trying to gauge her feelings from her blank look alone. “Sana, what’s going on with you? It feels like I’m losing you.”

Sana tried really hard to stop herself from crying, she tried so hard to force back the tears that threatened to fall; part of her had wished they could go back to normal without the necessary talk, without Momo questioning her about why she’d drawn back and run away from their friendship.

“I thought I’d already lost you Momo.” Sana croaked out sadly. “It really feels like I’ve lost you to Jihyo. She came out of nowhere and just whisked you away from me.”

“Sana, that’s not true.” Momo reassured her gently, reaching out to pull Sana under her arm and hold her close. “I really _ really _like Jihyo, but she could never replace you. You’re my best friend.”

“Before the summer, it felt like I was second best and I wasn’t worthy of your attention over Jihyo. So it was just easier for me to pull away so it felt like it was my choice.” Sana choked out, no longer bothering to try and fight the tears. She hadn’t realised how much she’d missed Momo. “God, I sound so selfish and stupid.”

“No, no you don’t.” Momo shook her head slightly, sighing audibly. “That’s completely my fault, I didn’t even realise I was ignoring you. I was just so caught up in Jihyo, I didn’t even notice that I was hurting you; I’m a terrible friend I’m sorry.”

“You’re not a terrible friend, Momo; you’re my _ best _friend in the whole world.” Sana snuggled closer to Momo. “I guess I didn’t get it because I’ve never been in love before, so I didn’t understand why you wanted to be with Jihyo all the time.”

“Being in love is pretty great, Sana.” Momo spoke so softly. “We haven’t said it to each other yet, but I think I’ve known I loved her since the first time I saw her.”

“Is she your soulmate?” Sana asked gently, she already knew the answer but she wanted to hear it from Momo.

“No, not in the literal sense anyway.” Momo answered honestly, Sana could practically hear the smile in her voice. “But I think she just might be the one for me regardless.”

“That’s good then.” Sana hummed, closing her eyes as she snuggled back into Momo.

“I really want you two to be friends, Sana.” Momo sighed. “I know that, right now, you’re not her biggest fan. But, you’re two of my favourite people, so I really want you two to at least get along.”

“What if we don’t?” Sana asked timidly, looking up at Momo to meet her eyes.

“I’m sure you will, trust me.” Momo smiled warmly at her. “You and I are really similar Sana, I’m sure you’ll get along amazingly. To be honest, I’m more worried you may fall for her too and steal her from me.” Momo teased with a giggle and a wink, eliciting a giggle from Sana as well.

“She’s not my type, Momoring,” Sana started with a giggle, “so you have nothing to worry about.”

“Do you promise to stop avoiding me now?” Momo asked shyly. “I really missed you.”

“I promise, I’ll be around here so much you may get sick of me.” Sana teased. “I missed you too.”

Momo smiled warmly at her, before shooting Sana that mischievous grin that only ever spelt trouble. Sana barely had time to react before Momo was pinning her to the couch and tickling her aggressively, eliciting a loud squeal from Sana as she tried desperately to free herself from Momo’s hold.

As much as she hated the tickle fights, she really missed them.

  
  


Sana managed to avoid the inevitable hang out with Jihyo for an impressive 3 weeks. Using her impeccable lying skills, as well as blatant avoidance of the topic, she managed to weasel her way out of 5 different suggested hang outs; citing other plans, school work and even church as various excuses for why she couldn’t spend time with Jihyo. It didn’t take a genius to see Momo was getting frustrated, but Sana really couldn’t think of anything she’d like to do less than spend a large amount of time alone with Jihyo.

It wasn’t that she hated the girl; she just couldn’t stand spending time with her, hated the way the air felt when she was around her and how incredibly jealous she felt whenever she saw her. But, none of that was Jihyo’s fault, so she couldn’t hate Jihyo.

But, no matter how hard she tried and no matter how many excuses she’d planned, she couldn’t avoid Jihyo forever. 

Sana was enjoying one of the few moments of peace in their apartment, it was a Tuesday afternoon and Jeongyeon and Mina were on a date whilst Momo was in a European History lecture, watching old cartoons on their crappy little TV and singing along to the theme songs and jingles. She knew she only had a couple of hours before Momo came screaming into the apartment, literally, so times like this were ones to treasure. But, of course, all nice things must come to an end, as her bubble of calm was broken by an unexpected knock at the door. Whilst Momo forgetting her keys and needing to be let in was _ far _from uncommon, her lecture wouldn’t be over for at least another hour.

With a disgruntled sigh, Sana rose from her seat on their couch and trudged over to answer the door. It was likely some crap Jeongyeon had ordered off amazon again; the girl barely had enough money for rent but had plenty for an apple peeler and a waterproof speaker. She swung the door open tiredly, ready to sign for whatever it was and go back to her cartoons.

But it wasn’t a delivery person. It was Jihyo.

Sana squeaked in shock, having to resist the urge to slam the door in her face as she met Jihyo’s eyes; the other girl seemingly also taken aback at the sight of Sana.

“Momo isn’t here.” Sana stated simply, really hoping that would be enough to get Jihyo to leave. “Her lecture finishes at 3, so she’ll be back at like half 3.”

“I know, I know her schedule.” Jihyo replied quickly. “I’m not here to see Momo.”

“Jeongyeon is out with Mina right now, she probably won’t be back until- ”

“No, Sana, I’m here to see you.” Jihyo interrupted, flashing Sana a dazzling smile.

“Oh.” Sana frowned, ignoring the way her stomach turned at that. “Why?”

“Momo wanted us to hang out more, and she said you’d be here alone and apparently she double checked, and you were free so.” Jihyo explained. “You are free, right?”

“Ummm.” Sana started, trying desperately to think of a way to escape the situation, but her wearing pyjamas with no makeup made it _ very _difficult for her to get herself out of this one with a convincing lie.

“Because Momo said you were really important to her, and she really wanted us to get along.” Jihyo interjected before Sana could think of a lie, the girl somehow knowing exactly how to tug on Sana’s heartstrings and guilt her into being honest. “To be honest, she thought you were avoiding me for some reason.” Jihyo laughed uncomfortably, scratching the back of her neck awkwardly.

“No! No I wasn’t avoiding you, I really _ was _busy.” Sana lied, moving aside so she was no longer standing in the doorway, suddenly made painfully aware of the fact she was wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and boyshorts. “Come in, I’ll just go get dressed really quickly.”

“Oh you don’t have to, I know you weren’t expecting company.” Jihyo was quick to emphasise.

“It’s okay, I mean I probably shouldn’t be lounging around in my pyjamas at 2pm anyway.” Sana laughed stiffly, unconvincingly, shutting the door behind Jihyo and jetting off to the safety of her bedroom.

_ “Fuck, fuck.” _ Sana whispered to herself as she rummaged through her closet, pulling out a pair of sweatpants, hastily tugging them on and nearly falling over in the process. She glanced at her clock, 14:15. _ “Great, I have at least an hour alone with her, fucking perfect.” _

Sana sighed to herself as she flopped down on her bed, biting down on her hand to suppress the frustrated groan that threatened to make its way passed her lips. This was absolutely _not _how she’d planned to spend her afternoon alone, this was probably the how she’d least liked to spend her afternoon of privacy; and yet this was what she was left to deal with.

“It’s just an hour.” Sana muttered to herself, trying to stop herself from getting grumpy. “You can survive an hour with her, for Momo.”

Jihyo was uncomfortably sat on the couch when Sana reentered the living room, it looked as if she’d never been to the apartment before; an outsider would not have believed that this apartment had essentially become Jihyo’s second home based on how much time she spent there. She looked over her shoulder to shoot Sana the most convincing smile she could muster, it was stiff and awkward but it was a comfort for Sana to see Jihyo was just as nervous and, perhaps, as unwilling as her.

Plastering on her own fake smile, Sana rounded the couch and sat down next to Jihyo at, what was essentially, the other side of the couch. The silence was deafening, neither one knowing what to say or do; maybe this hang out should’ve been a little better planned, because it was definitely not going the way Momo wanted. After a long couple minutes of silence, Jihyo finally spoke.

“It’s kinda weird how Momo and I have been dating for like 4 months and we’ve never hung out until now.” Jihyo chuckled unconvincingly. “Plus, I mean, we met in May, so we’ve known each other like 5 months, nearly 6.”

“Most of that time was the summer break to be fair.” Sana shrugged, tone neutral and slightly brash. “And you were still a highschooler from May to June, so it makes sense we never hung out.”

“Right, right.” Jihyo nodded nervously. “So, umm, tell me about yourself? What do you do?”

“Well, I’m a dance major like Momo, with a minor in literature unlike Momo.” Sana listed off coolly, as if her heart wasn’t hammering in her chest. “So I read and dance a lot in my spare time. I’m from Osaka, in Japan, originally and that’s about it.”

“Oh, that’s really cool.” Jihyo clicked her tongue, evidently waiting for Sana to ask her the same question. “Well, I’m a music major and I’m thinking of getting a minor in literature as well because I’ve always loved reading.” Jihyo smiled brightly at her, but Sana didn’t return it; Jihyo frowned slightly but continued regardless. “Momo has been teaching me to dance recently, I kinda suck but she’s really amazing so I usually just watch her. I’m sure you’re a great dancer too.”

“Yup.” Sana popped the ‘p’ as she nodded slowly. “That’s cool though, literature is interesting I’d definitely recommend it if you like reading a lot.”

“I’ve always loved reading, I recently read The Memoir of a Murderer by Kim Young-ha, it was amazing, I read the whole thing in one sitting.” Jihyo enthused excitedly, fully turning towards Sana who stayed staring straight forward at the TV. “I’d definitely recommend reading it if you haven’t already.”

“I’ll have to check it out, thank you.” Sana shot Jihyo an awkward half smile.

Jihyo audibly exhaled when Sana turned back to watch the TV, the girl doing her best to ignore Jihyo’s presence as best she could in the hopes the hour would drag as much as it was if she did. She could hear Jihyo fidgeting awkwardly next to her, and she almost felt guilty for being so cold with Jihyo, but something in her heart and in her brain wouldn’t let her be any other way. She never realised just how jealous she was of Jihyo until now, Sana truly wished she could get over it.

Time passed slowly with them sat next to each other in an uncomfortable silence, the cartoons playing on the TV doing nothing to break the tension as Sana was finding it more and more difficult to focus on them; she could tell Jihyo was desperate to say something, she wished she’d just say _ something _and stop fidgeting.

“What was your favourite cartoon growing up? Mine was Sailor Moon but I always had a soft spot for Pororo too.” Jihyo tried, desperate to break the awkward barrier between them.

“I liked Sailor Moon too, and Doraemon.” Sana agreed, and the dreaded question slipped past her lips before she could stop herself. “Have you met your soulmate yet?”

“Well, no.” Jihyo answered stiltedly, Sana could practically hear the wince in her voice and felt guilty for asking. “But, I don’t really buy into the whole soulmate crap. My parents aren’t soulmates and they’re still perfectly happy, and still in love after 24 years.”

“That’s fair, I guess.” Sana fought all of her natural instincts telling her to scoff and argue with her. “I guess I just can’t imagine a world where I don’t meet mine and then get to see colours.”

“Yeah, Jeongyeon and Mina do make the whole soulmate thing sound pretty great.” Jihyo admitted. “But, I think I could live without meeting my soulmate as long as I get to be with someone I love.”

“Each to their own.” Sana shrugged, swallowing down the lump that formed in her throat at what Jihyo said, a wave of jealousy washing over at the thought of Jihyo and Momo staying together. It was strange.

They stayed silent after that.

  
  


It didn’t take a genius to realise things got even more awkward between Sana and Jihyo after they spoke. Sana began distancing herself from the apartment again, resorting back to her old habits of staying at the library and dance studio for hours on end. Jihyo started coming around their apartment less and less, citing an increase in school work and worries about grades; but it was really clear to see the real reason. Both were convinced the other hated them, both were equally upset by the idea.

So, it was inevitable for Momo to corner her and investigate what happened between the two; desperate to understand why the pair were even more uncomfortable with each other than before. Sana just didn’t expect the grilling from Momo to come so soon after her hang out with Jihyo.

“Sana,” Came Momo’s unmistakable voice from the couch, Sana froze in place, “can we talk for a second?”

Sana sighed, she had been keen to sneak out to the library unnoticed, but Momo had caught her. She could’ve sworn Momo was napping 10 minutes ago.

“Sure, Momoring.” Sana smiled sweetly, feigning ignorance. “What’s up?”

Momo watched as Sana moved to sit next to her on the couch, eyebrow raised sceptically; she was absolutely not buying Sana’s innocent act, they both knew what was coming.

“It’s about Jihyo, I spoke to her yesterday,” Momo started slowly, eyeing Sana to gauge her reaction. “She thinks you hate her, Sana.”

Sana visibly winced at that, guilt panged in her heart; she didn’t hate Jihyo, at least she didn’t think so. She knew she had been cold and kinda rude, but she hadn’t realised it’d been that bad.

“I don’t hate her, Mo.” Sana grimaced, scratching her head and refusing to meet Momo’s eyes. “I was a bit cold when she came over because I wasn’t expecting company, and I’d had a bad day at college.”

“You could’ve just told her that, Sana.” Momo sighed, her tone was tired but at least she wasn’t angry. “She told me she didn’t want to come around ours anymore because she was worried about bumping into you and making you uncomfortable. She is so certain you hate her”

“I’m sorry, Momo. This is totally my fault I know.” Sana whined, rubbing her temples out of frustration as she tried to gather her thoughts. “Can you tell her I don’t hate her? I don’t want her thinking I do.”

“She won’t believe it coming from me, you’re gonna need to tell her yourself.” Momo explained with a shrug.

“How am I supposed to do that? I’m busy with like 2 literature essays and 2 dance essays due in the next week, and I need to get them all done in prep for the slew of parties coming?” Sana complained. “I really don’t have time to meet up with her and talk it out, I’m sorry Momo.”

“You can text her, or call her?” Momo suggested.

“I don’t have her phone number, or- ”

“I’m gonna give you options, because I’m nice.” Momo interrupted, gesturing for Sana to hand over her phone. She tapped away for a minute before handing it back. “There, now you have her phone number _ and _I added her on Facebook for you. Message her Sana, she’d be thrilled to hear from you.”

“Okay.” Sana muttered, transfixed by the contact in her phone, she had never been so intimidated by a phone number before. “Okay, I promise I’ll text her.”

“Thank you, that’s all I ask. I just want my favourite people in Korea to not hate each other.” Momo pouted at her, Sana rolled her eyes causing them both to giggle. “Now go do your work, get your essay’s done so we can enjoy ourselves.”

“Yes, mom.” Sana groaned dramatically, standing up to leave, but not before leaning down to press a sloppy kiss on Momo’s forehead. “Make sure you get yours done too.”

“Mine are all done, Jihyo helped me.” Momo jeered, sticking her tongue out at Sana as the girl started to leave.

“Cheater!” Sana gasped.

“You wish you were me, Minatozaki.” Momo teased.

“Never!” Sana giggled, waving goodbye to Momo as she left.

  
  


Sana slumped down in the seat opposite Mina, she’d pulled an all nighter the night previous in a desperate attempt to finish at least 2 of her 4 essays she had to do. Whilst she’d been successful, getting 2 done and half finishing a third, she was truly feeling the effects now and desperately needed a coffee. She and Mina could not look more different, it was almost comical; Sana in her old sweatpants and a mismatched hoodie, looking like she hadn’t slept in months, compared Mina who was dressed to the nines and looking like a model.

“Fun night?” Mina giggled, nodding in reference to Sana’s disheveled appearance.

“Stayed up all night to finish some of my essays.” Sana grumbled, taking a sip of her coffee and wincing at how it scolded her tongue. “I’ve got 4 due for the 5th, and I just know I’m not going to have enough time to do them before then, so I’m tryna complete them all before Halloween.”

“Well, you look great.” Mina smirked cheekily at her, taking a sip from her own coffee.

“Oh how you wound me, Minari.” Sana whined, clutching her chest dramatically, drawing a chuckle from Mina. “We can’t all be as pretty as you all the time.”

“The secret is getting enough sleep, and not living off caffeine.” Mina teased.

“I’ll have to try that sometime, sounds like a pretty solid idea.” Sana agreed, bobbing her head slightly as she blew on her coffee in a desperate attempt to cool it. “But right now, caffeine is the only thing keeping me going.”

“That’s not healthy.”

“You’re not healthy.”

“A whole lot healthier than you.” Mina countered easily, winking at Sana for added effect. “Are you looking forward to the Halloween party?”

“You have no idea, the Park’s are hosting this year. I heard Jimin booked a DJ and Sooyoung told me they’re gonna have it at their parents huge house, they’ve got a pool and everything.” Sana enthused excitedly, the Park siblings were notorious party hosts; their parents were massively wealthy but always away on business often leaving their home free for parties. “It’s kind of annoying that we have to have it after Halloween, but oh well.”

“What date is it again?”

“The 2nd of November, the Saturday after Halloween basically.” Sana explained. “But it’s the day after Jeong’s birthday this year, so we get to call it a late birthday party too.”

“Sounds awesome” Mina chuckled. “I’m guessing we’re all gonna be getting ready at your place then?”

“Oh of course, we have the biggest apartment so.” Sana replied, as if it was obvious.

“Will you be okay with Jihyo?” Mina questioned gently, Sana visibly winced at the question. “Guessing your ‘hang out’ didn’t go well.”

“You have no idea, she thinks I hate her.” Sana groaned, taking a big gulp of her coffee.

“Well, do you?” Mina frowned at her curiously. “Because whenever she comes up in conversation you make _ that _face, y’know, the constipated one.”

“I don’t hate her, per se.” Sana grumbled into her mug of coffee, it was difficult to vocalise her feelings on Jihyo. “I just, I don’t know, I don’t like her. But, it’s complicated, I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t think she likes me very much, if it’s any consolation.”

“And how does that make you feel?” Mina leant forward in her chair slightly, eyeing Sana carefully.

“I don’t know, indifferent? I guess.” Sana took a sip of her coffee, her thoughts were all over the place today. “I feel kinda bad for Momo, because I know she wants us to get along but I just can’t do it. It’s just, complicated, I guess.”

“Is it about the soulmate thing?” Mina offered.

“I still don’t get it Minari, I don’t know if I ever will.” Sana sighed, rubbing her temple with her free hand. “I’m being good, don’t worry, I just don’t get how someone could date a person that wasn’t their soulmate. Like, the universe _ knows _what it’s doing and it just seems stupid to ignore it.”

“Sana...”

“I know, I know. I haven’t told them how I feel don’t worry.” Sana reassured her. “It’s just, I don’t know. This whole thing is a fucking mess and I’m sick of it, sick of being grumpy all the time.”

“Might be worth trying talking to Jihyo again, but in person, so you can clear the air properly.” Mina suggested. “If Momo likes her so much, I don’t doubt you two will get along as well, you just need to put in a bit more effort.”

“Shit that reminds me actually, I was supposed to text her and say sorry.” Sana moaned, scolding herself mentally. “Tell her that I don’t actually hate her.”

“That’s a good start.” Mina agreed. “Start there and then maybe arrange a hang out where you can clear the air in person.”

“Yeah, yeah I promise I’ll do that when I get home.” Sana nodded, yawning loudly. “I need to get some sleep first, or I won’t make any sense when I text her.”

“That’s definitely a good idea, I can tell your brain isn’t working right now.” Mina chuckled when Sana whined at her. “I don’t know if I like ‘no sleep Sana’.”

“No sleep Sana isn’t too fond of you either.” Sana muttered grumpily, pouting at Mina who just laughed harder in response.

  
  
  


Sana [18:21pm]

hey jihyo, it’s sana

just thought i’d text you to say sorry

i promise i don’t hate you i was just

really tired, i’d had a bad day at

college and i wasn’t expecting any

visitors that’s all

Jihyo [18:25pm]

hi sana!!

thank you for messaging me

i guess momo probably told you i

was worried

no hard feelings, i totally get that

its my bad for just barging in on

you like that!!

Sana [18:27pm]

yeah but i could’ve handled it a

lot better than i did im sorry

Jihyo [18:28pm]

it’s okay you’re forgiven!

im sorry too

Sana [18:29pm]

you’re forgiven too

ive gotta get back to my school

work, can we get coffee and

talk properly then?

Jihyo [18:30pm]

absolutely! 

when are you free?

Sana [18:30pm]

umm its probs best to do it

after the halloween party

sooo how does the 5th work

for you?

Jihyo [18:32pm]

i have a lecture at 11 then nothing

all day :)

Sana [18:33pm]

shall we say 1 then?

Jihyo [18:34pm]

perfect! 

Sana [18:35]

cool! see you at jeongs thing then

Jihyo [18:35pm]

see you!!

  
  


Sana had never seen Nayeon move so fast, the other girl rushing around their apartment frantically, checking all their decorations and adding small decals and smoothing everything out while everyone else just sat around the apartment and watched her, amused. Nayeon had always been a bit of a perfectionist, to put it lightly, and wanted everything to look perfect for when Jeongyeon got back.

“I still don’t get why we’re going to this much effort, Nayeon.” Momo called after her from her seat on the couch, Nayeon halting in her tracks and turning to glare at Momo. “I mean it’s just the 6 of us, and Jeong said she didn’t want us to make a big deal out of her birthday.”

“People who say they don’t want others to do anything for their birthdays are liars.” Nayeon replied coolly, shooting Momo an angry glare. “Everyone always says they don’t want it to be a big thing, but they’re just being nice. Look at me for example, I said I didn’t want a big party for my birthday.”

“Yeah, but you then went and made a groupchat called ‘Nayeon’s surprise party’, added like 30 people to it and then left it.” Jihyo interjected quickly, rolling her eyes at how Nayeon shrugged nonchalantly.

“Oh, you know I couldn’t take the risk.” Nayeon scoffed. “You guys are dense as fuck, no offence, and there was a real risk you thought I was serious. And pipe down anyway, it was a really great party.”

“You literally completely took over the planning, no one else got a word in.” Sana pointed out laughing.

“And it was a great party, one for the memory book, truly.” Nayeon smiled smugly. “Just be grateful I’m only doing decorations for Jeong’s, I could’ve very easily organised a full rave.”

“No one is doubting that, Nay.” Momo chuckled. “When did Mina say they’d be back?”

“She said around half 3, so we’ve got around 10 minutes.” Sana explained, peering at her phone clock.

“We have 10 minutes, and no one is helping me get everything perfect?” Nayeon whined grumpily, pouting at them all.

“The decorations look great Nayeon, I’m sure Jeong will love them.” Jihyo reassured her tiredly.

“I still think Mina should’ve helped, she’s the only one other than Jeong who can actually see colour.” Nayeon grumbled. “Remind me again why we didn’t get one of you three to distract Jeong?”

“Because there was no way she was gonna go anywhere without Mina, willingly. Especially not on her birthday.” Momo shrugged. “Plus, Mina wanted to take her out for lunch.”

“I hope the colours are okay and don’t clash.” Nayeon sighed, taking a step back to admire her work. “I mean, it looks great in grayscale.”

“You know she will glance at the decorations and then be distracted by the cake and presents, right?” Sana reminded her.

“Don’t tell me that now.” Nayeon groaned dramatically. “I just spent nearly 2 hours setting these all up, because _ no one _else wanted to help.”

“Firstly, we tried to help and you got angry at us because ‘we were doing it wrong’,” Jihyo interjected. “Secondly, we told you that multiple times, you just don’t listen.”

“I dunno, all I’m hearing here is that this is totally on you guys.” Nayeon shrugged sulkily, eliciting groans of frustration from the other 3.

“Mina says they’re on their way up btw.” Sana interrupted quickly, before Nayeon could get another complaint in. “Are we hiding?”

“Yes!” Nayeon squealed excitedly.

Momo and Jihyo giggled to each other as they hid behind the arm of the couch together, huddled close together to prevent them from being seen; she’d be lying if Sana said it didn’t hurt a bit to see them act like that together, she wished it didn’t. Nayeon hissed at her from her hiding place in the kitchen, behind the counter, for her to get in cover. Sana rolled her eyes and dropped down behind the counter as well. The room fell into silence apart from quiet breathing, it was tense all of them eagerly anticipating Jeongyeon and Mina’s return; but they were looking forward to their reactions.

It took a minute of hiding for Momo to get bored, and the silence was broken by a loud squeal from behind the arm of the couch as she started to poke at Jihyo’s sides in an effort to get her to laugh; Sana could practically _ hear _Nayeon’s eyeroll and the sound of her own ribs constricting her lungs.

The sound of keys outside the front door drew everyone’s attention, and the giggling and movement promptly stopped. Everyone held their breaths as the door opened and the sound of Mina and Jeongyeon chatting filled the silence of the apartment.

“I still feel really bad for that waiter, hope he gets to keep his job.” Jeongyeon started before abruptly stopping in her tracks and glancing around the apartment. “What the fuck.”

“Surprise!” Nayeon, Sana, Momo and Jihyo popped up from their hiding places, shouting excitedly. Jeongyeon nearly jumped out of her skin while Mina chuckled to herself.

“Happy birthday, Jeongie.” Nayeon cooed, skipping over to her and wrapping her arms around her in an attempt to land a kiss on her cheek.

Jeongyeon screamed and tried desperately to force Nayeon’s face back, to save herself from the inevitable kiss. The others just laughed at the pair, Mina rolling her eyes as she squeezed past the two and made her way into the living room to admire the decorations.

“Who did the decorations?” Mina asked, Jeongyeon momentarily let her guard down to take a peek, allowing Nayeon to land a wet kiss on her cheek proudly. Jeongyeon whined and rubbed at her cheek dramatically as Nayeon walked away smugly.

“They were all me.” Nayeon boasted, shooting a glare to the other three.

“You did a good job with the colours.” Mina praised, Nayeon raising a smug eyebrow at that. “Only a few of them clash, I’m honestly surprised.” 

“‘A few’ is better than ‘all’, so I’m gonna take that as a victory.” Nayeon cheered happily.

“I’m pretty sure I said I didn’t want this to be a whole thing.” Jeongyeon muttered to herself, taking in the decorations that littered their living room. “This definitely looks like a ‘thing’.”

“But Jeongie~” Momo singsonged, finally detaching herself from Jihyo to skip towards Jeongyeon. “We have cake and presents.”

“I guess I can let it slide this time, then.” Jeongyeon relented easily, grinning at the mention of gifts and food. “Presents first then cake?”

  


The apartment was silent once again, apart from the quiet sounds of cake being eaten and the occasional hum of enjoyment. It was peaceful, and Sana truly enjoyed times like this, when they were all together but weren’t arguing or yelling, and the lack of physical violence made for a nice change as well. But, she couldn’t truly enjoy it, much like how most things seemed to go nowadays, because Momo was feeding Jihyo her cake and cooing at her sweetly, and Sana’s heart was aching.

Her thoughts and feelings towards Jihyo and Momo were a mystery, she didn’t know what was going on in her head but she knew she didn’t like it. It felt a lot like jealousy, but also a whole lot like heartbreak and none of it made much sense to her; she really wished she could just say it was that she hated Jihyo and move on from it, she didn’t know anymore.

“What’s the plan for tomorrow?” Mina’s voice broke her out of her thoughts, drawing everyone’s attention as they all turned to look at her. Momo paused with her thumb brushing crumbs from Jihyo’s lips, and Sana felt sick to her stomach at the sight. “I mean, we’re meeting here right but what are we doing beyond that.”

“I thought we should meet here at like 6?” Momo offered, everyone nodded in agreement. “We all get ready, get changed do our makeup etc, start pregaming at like 9 and then head over there just after 10.”

“The party officially starts at 9, so we wanna get there just before 11 really.” Sana added quickly.

“I did promise Sooyoung I’d help her set up, so I won’t be pregaming with you unfortunately.” Nayeon reminded them. “What will you all be wearing, so I know what to look for?”

“Wonderwoman.” Sana cheered happily, placing her hands on her hips to mimic Wonderwoman’s famous pose

“Pirate queen.” Mina answered simply.

“No Face.” Jeongyeon replied.

“Not doing a couples costume, Jeong?” Nayeon asked, confused.

“Nah, my mom had already made the mask and everything when Mina suggested a couples costume. So we’re not doing that this year.”

“Well, fair enough I guess. Momo?”

“Slutty Tinkerbell.” Momo giggled, nodding at Jihyo who was giggling as well.

“And I’m slutty Peter Pan.” Jihyo blushed shyly.

“How do you even do slutty Peter Pan?” Jeongyeon questioned. “That doesn’t seem like the kind costume you do slutty.”

“Well I guess you’ll find out tomorrow.” Jihyo fired back.

“It’s basically just a Peter Pan costume with no tights, it’s more skin tight and instead of it being a dress, it’s a crop top and a short skirt.” Momo explained simply.

“How is that Peter Pan then?” Jeongyeon asked.

“She’s got the hat and the lil dagger, I’m guessing it’s the same colour too.” Momo shrugged, mouth full of cake.

“Why are we questioning the authenticity of slutty Peter Pan?” Mina interjected before Jeongyeon could say anything.

“Because I’ve never seen slutty Peter Pan before, was curious how one would go about it.” Jeongyeon replied.

“What _ I _wanna see is slutty No Face.” Sana suggested, nodding to Jeongyeon who burst into laughter.

“That’s just No Face with a shorter cloak, fishnets and stilettos, next.” Momo answered neutrally.

“How are we getting to the party?” Jihyo interrupted quickly, desperate to change the subject. “Are we walking, getting an uber or is someone gonna not drink and drive us?”

“Not drinking is _ definitely _out, it’s a Halloween party.” Jeongyeon replied, pausing for thought. “I guess we could walk, how far is it?”

“It’s like an hour walk across town and I’m gonna be wearing heels.” Sana groaned. “Can we just get an uber?”

“Sure but I’m not paying, I’m totally broke.” Jeongyeon shrugged.

“You literally just spent like 20,000 won on an Overwatch figurine the other day? How are you broke?” Momo interrupted, pointing an accusatory finger at Jeongyeon who just rolled her eyes.

“That’s exactly why I’m broke, Momo.”

“If we split the uber between the 5 of us, it should be pretty cheap.” Jihyo offered, everyone seemingly agreeing at that.

“Text me when you arrive and I’ll come meet you at the front door, I’ll be the one in the Catwoman costume.” Nayeon chirped happily. “Sooyoung, Jimin and Chaeyoung have planned the best party, you guys really aren’t ready.”

“Can’t wait!” Sana hummed happily, everyone nodding in agreement.

  
  


The Parks were fucking _ loaded _.

It was one of those things about them that everyone knew, they made sure you couldn’t forget with the amount of expensive brands they wore and the cars they owned, but it was something that never really hit you until you saw their house. Calling it a house almost felt like you were degrading it, the sheer size of it made it feel like it was worthy of the title of mansion. And even though Sana was far from the only broke college student there, she couldn’t help but feel out of place, like she almost wasn’t worthy. But that was likely just the vodka talking.

Music blasted through the walls, loud even at the very bottom of their long driveway; a driveway littered with people drinking and talking; and at the end of the driveway, standing in the doorway, was a very excited Nayeon who was waving at them frantically. Sana giggled, already extremely tipsy, and broke off from the others to jog, very unsteadily in her heels, up to Nayeon and hug her.

“You look so good.” Nayeon slurred happily, clearly already hammered. “We look good together, our outfits are kind of matching if you think about it.” Nayeon pointed between the two of them, poking at Sana’s exposed tummy causing them both to giggle.

“Yesss, I’m the hero and you’re the villain.” Sana chirped, near shouting to be heard over the music. “We’re clearly the best couple here.”

“Catwoman isn’t really a _ villain _per se.” Jeongyeon interrupted, followed by a chorus of groans and eyerolls. “She’s more of an anti-hero.”

“Whatever nerd.” Nayeon stuck her tongue out at Jeongyeon and linking arms with Sana. “Let’s go get drinks, there’s so many people I want you guys to meet.”

It was easy to forget just how many friends Nayeon had sometimes, since she barely ever hung out with them and always favoured their group instead; it was something of an ego booster, but she’d never tell Nayeon that.

The kitchen was huge and alive with activity, people were doing shots and someone was doing a kegstand, her money was on Hoseok. Nayeon was immediately pulled off her arm by a girl Sana didn’t recognise, but from the way Nayeon laughed happily she guessed Nayeon did know her, thus Sana was left with the couples. She turned around to face the four of them, their expressions a mixture of drunk and confused, and took it upon herself to lead them to the table where all the drinks were. A hand clapped her on the shoulder, making her jump before she heard them speak.

“Sana! So glad you could make it!” Sooyoung spun her around to pull her into a hug that Sana happily reciprocated, it’d been a while since she’d last seen the girl. “Let me grab you a drink.”

“Thanks Soo, you look absolutely killer by the way.” Sana allowed herself to be pulled away from the others, silently grateful, she brushed her fingers over the material of Sooyoung’s dress. “What are you supposed to be then.”

“A vintage movie actress.” Sooyoung shouted back to her. 

“Is that just an excuse to wear a hot dress?” Sana teased, playing with the straps of Sooyoung’s dress as she watched the other girl fix them both some drinks - it really was hot.

“Maybe.” Sooyoung giggled, turning around to hand Sana a cup of something. “Here drink this, it’s my famous cocktail that Seulgi came up with.” Sana took a sip and winced, it was extremely strong.

“What’s in this?”

“A little bit of malibu, lemonade, orange juice and then like 3 shots of vodka.” Sooyoung smirked evilly, before taking a sip of her own drink.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Sana nearly choked on her drink as Sooyoung laughed.

“No, just get you really drunk.” Sooyoung shrugged as if it was obvious. “Seulgi has had like four and she’s fine.”

“Somehow I really struggle to believe that.” Sana giggled, taking another gulp of the drink.

“Now come on, finish that I wanna go dance.” Sooyoung nodded at her drink, before chugging her own and setting the cup back on the table.

  


The dance floor was electric, with strobe lights of multiple shades and speakers surrounding the whole room, pumping it full of bass. The DJ was tucked away in his booth in the corner of the room while people danced energetically in the centre. Two people, who looked a whole lot like Seungwan and Ten, had already broke out into an aggressive dance off while people cheered and egged them on. People were grinding on each other, all sweaty and out of synch; making out against the wall whilst other couples argued loudly next to them. 

It really was just what Sana had been needing.

Sooyoung wasted no time getting Sana to grind on her the second the song switched from hard bass to something slower, Havana by Camila Cabello, one of her favourites. The drink was starting to fully hit her, her head swimming and her muscles loosening as she grinded her ass against Sooyoung’s hips. And in a really strange way she’d missed this. She’d missed feeling this relaxed, there really was nothing else she was worrying about in that moment other than making sure she was matching Sooyoung’s movements properly.

Then the song ended and it was over, Jimin sauntered over pulling Sooyoung away from her talking about something along the lines of a ‘Park sibling drink off’, and then they were both gone. But at that point, Sana was too drunk to care.

Heavy bass ripped through the room and all of a sudden she was being pulled into a dance off with Hwang Eunbi from modern dance class; the pair dancing like their life depended on it as people howled with laughter around them, laughing at their focussed facial expressions. Sana was having the time of her life, she felt as if she was on top of the world.

Until her eyes drifted across the room and landed on something she really didn’t want to see. She must’ve seen Momo and Jihyo making out countless times by now, the couple having little to no shame, but her heart always tugged in exactly the same way and that lump always formed in her throat at the sight. Sana froze for a second as she watched Momo pull Jihyo into her lap and join their lips in a slow kiss; her heart aching as she watched them. 

She really needed another drink.

  
  


It was nearly 2am when Sana finally saw Nayeon again, the girl significantly drunker than when she’d last seen her, with a whole lot more hickeys; but in fairness Sana was a whole lot drunker too. The other girl latched herself onto Sana’s arm, tugging at the sleeve of the cardigan Sana had somehow acquired over the course of the evening as she led her towards one of the many side rooms.

“We’re playing ‘Truth or Dare’ Sana, c’mon you’ve gotta join us.” Nayeon slurred slowly. “It’s been really fun, Momo had to eat a whole head of lettuce.”

The mention of Momo’s name made her stomach turn, Momo being there meant Jihyo had to be there as well. Her heart was telling her it wasn’t a good idea to join, but she was far too intoxicated to care. There were a good 15 people sat in a circle in the room when they got there, including Momo, Sooyoung, Jimin, Chaeyoung, Jinsoul, Taehyung and of course Jihyo. Nayeon pulled her down to sit between her and Sooyoung, the pair immediately snuggling into her and cooing at her softly.

Sana struggled to pay much attention to what was going on in the game, she was getting kind of tired and it was too far from her turn for her to focus. She vaguely recalled someone doing bodyshots, someone else doing a strip tease (she’s pretty sure it was Hoseok, again) and then Jihyo giving Momo a lap dance; the way her chest seized at the sight was hard to forget. And then all of a sudden Nayeon was pulling away from sucking hickeys into Yerin’s neck and everyone was looking at her.

“Sana, truth or dare.” Jimin asked her, struggling to get the words out as he was giggling like mad.

“Uhh.” Sana thought for a second, she really had no idea what was happening. “Fuck it, dare.”

“I’ve got one!” Chaeyoung piped up from where she was practically lying in Lalisa’s lap. “Spin this bottle, whoever it lands on you’ve got to kiss for 5 seconds.”

“5 seconds? C’mon now Chae, we raised you better than to be a prude.” Sooyoung whined grumpily.

“Fuck off Soo, fine make it 10 seconds then.” Chaeyoung frowned grumpily, rolling the bottle into the centre of the circle. “There you go Sana, spin that.”

Sana shrugged and unsteadily got to her feet, stumbling towards the bottle and kneeling down next to it. There were a whole lot of people in this circle she really, _ really _didn’t want to kiss; but at this point of the night nothing really mattered anymore and she couldn’t find it in herself to care. She steadied herself, clutching the cardigan closer around herself as a chill ran down her spine, before spinning the bottle as hard as she could and watched it spin, almost making her feel dizzy. All eyes were on the bottle as it started to slow, Sana felt her heart drop as she saw who it was heading towards, and then it stopped and Nayeon was howling with laughter behind her.

It landed on Jihyo, of fucking course it was Jihyo.

“Oh shit, Momo, I can spin it again if you want.” Sana quickly went to grab at the bottle again, she looked over at Momo apologetically only to see the other girl smiling lazily.

“I don’t care, if you two don’t mind I don’t mind.” Momo shrugged casually.

Sana turned to meet Jihyo’s eyes, it was almost like they were silently daring her; felt much like the two were locked in a strange dance, neither one wanting to admit they either did or didn’t want to kiss the other. Then Nayeon shouted “Pussy!” at them, and the spell was broken.

“I don’t care.” Jihyo quirked a daring eyebrow at Sana, silently egging her on.

“Me neither, it’s just a kiss.” Sana agreed nonchalantly.

Her heart hammered in her chest as she watched Jihyo slowly walk over towards the centre of the circle, where Sana was still kneeling. She could feel everyone’s eyes on them as Jihyo knelt down in front of her, and she felt so unbelievably anxious. Sana’s hands moved with a mind of their own, moving to cup Jihyo’s cheeks as Jihyo’s hands rested on her waist. Sana leant in first, closing her eyes just before hers and Jihyo’s lips met.

Something in her chest exploded as their lips first touched, warmth spreading over her body as their lips melded together perfectly. Hands tugged at her waist drawing them closer together and Sana brushed her along Jihyo’s cheek. Time slowed as she drew Jihyo’s bottom lip between her own, eliciting a hum of approval from the other girl that reverberated against her lips. Seconds felt like hours, and Sana could’ve stayed in that moment forever.

“10 seconds is up! Break it up you two!” Jimin shouted out at them, Nayeon whooped loudly from somewhere.

A deep pain ruptured behind her eyes the second their lips parted, Sana winced slightly, squeezing her eyes further shut the pain reverberated around her skull.

Sana opened her eyes slowly, the terrible pain in her head not going away. Something was different, and if the way Jihyo was staring at her with wide eyes and lips parted in shock told her anything, it was that Jihyo noticed it to.

Then she took her eyes of Jihyo for a second and it hit her.

The walls weren’t grey anymore.


	2. can i go back to being blind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sana lay a hand over her chest and felt her heart pound against her ribcage, at times feeling as though it was going to break through, and it hurt; it really fucking hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first half of chapter 2, it got wayyy too long while I was writing it and decided to split it into 2! Part 2 will be posted very soon, do not worry!  
This is Un-BETA'd, and I edited it on 4 hours sleep and really hungover, so I apologise for any mistakes.  
Hope you enjoy!!

_ It was hard not to feel all the eyes in the room on her as Sana moved back to her seat next to Nayeon and Sooyoung. But it was even harder to ignore how one person was refusing to look at her. Jihyo had her gaze set on one person only as she clambered into Momo's lap and pulled her into a deep, passionate kiss that shattered Sana's heart into a thousand pieces. _

_ Everyone else had already moved on, were already shouting dare ideas at Sooyoung, but Sana's gaze remained on the couple across from her, and the brightly coloured wall that acted as a backdrop for their moment of intimacy. _

_ "Lighten up a little Sana, you don't need to worry." Nayeon slurred directly into her ear, but she sounded so far away. "Clearly Momo isn't mad, it was just a kiss. Was just a bit of fun, it’s really not a big deal." _

  
  
  


Sana’s bed had never felt so cold before that night, and she’d never felt so sober and alone. So many thoughts were clattering around her brain for her to focus on a single one, but the general consensus was confusion. She lay there, eyes fixed on a singular spot on the ceiling, and all she wanted to do was cry. Her emotions were all over the place and nothing really made sense; maybe she  _ was  _ still drunk.

Sana’s heart felt heavy and her head was throbbing in pain, she was forcing back the tears that threatened to spill and she didn’t know why; it wasn’t as if anyone was going to hear her crying, Jeongyeon and Mina were dead to the world right now, and Jihyo and Momo had gone back to Jihyo’s dorm, but crying felt like admitting a loss. She lay a hand over her chest and felt her heart pound against her ribcage, at times feeling as though it was going to break through, and it hurt; it really fucking  _ hurt _ .

The pain that suddenly struck her, both physical and mental, was like nothing she’d ever experienced before. Pain was shooting through every inch of her body, it felt like all the air had left her lungs and she couldn’t breath all of a sudden. All she wanted to do was cry out, scream at the pain and die; but she couldn’t, so she just lay there and let it wash over her. Sana couldn’t help but wonder if Jihyo was feeling the same, if she was also in agony at that moment.

None of it made any sense, she was racking her brain trying to come up with an explanation for it all but she couldn’t think of anything. Meeting your soulmate was supposed to be a joyous thing, she couldn’t recall anyone talking about the pain that followed after they met their soulmate - only the excitement and happiness; but Sana hadn’t had any of that.

The sight of Jihyo turning away from her and stumbling back to Momo, curling up on the other girls lap, was in the forefront of her memory. She’d been so taken aback by everything that had happened in that split second, the kiss, the wall and Jihyo’s terrified face, she’d forgotten where she was and how to move; completely frozen in place as she stared blankly at Jihyo and Momo, the pair immediately becoming too wrapped up in each other to even notice her staring at them. Had Nayeon not started shouting at her, she probably would’ve stayed there all night.

It’d been hard to not be hurt by Jihyo and Momo immediately proclaiming they were leaving, going back to Jihyo’s dorm; and even harder to not be hurt by the unreadable look Jihyo shot her as she left the room with Momo leaning against her.

Sana glanced over at her clock, it was around half 4 in the morning; just over 2 hours after she and Jihyo kissed. The colour of that wall behind Jihyo was going to forever be imprinted in her brain, she really wished she knew what it was, it was bright and pretty and Sana could see why Jihyo will like it so much.

It was hard to think about the positives of this situation right now, but seeing in colour was exciting; it was one of the many things about having a soulmate that had really enticed Sana. She’d read so many articles and stories that had talked about all the different colours, broken down their meanings and common feelings often tied to each one; she’d always wanted to see them all and build her own associations with each of them. But right now, it was hard to think of any positive associations she’d be able to form.

Sana closed her eyes, desperate for sleep to take her. The physical pain had subsided slightly, but was still present in her chest and as a dull ache in her extremities - no longer so bad it had her paralysed, thankfully. But, whilst the physical pain had lessened, her head was still alive and loud with thoughts and questions.

What if Jihyo wasn’t her soulmate, what if it had just been her mind playing tricks on her and the wall really  _ had _ been grey? It was entirely possible that, in her drunken state, she had imagined the walls changing colour; she’d read about it before, it was a regular occurence with drunk college students, thus it wasn’t that unreasonable to say it had happened to her.

But then she remembered the look on Jihyo’s face, the way her eyes had widened in fear as she stared at Sana as if she was carrying some horrendous disease, the way her lips had parted in shock and how she was panting loudly. There was no doubt in her mind that Jihyo had seen a colour as well, it was near impossible for two people to both imagine seeing in colour.

She hadn’t imagined anything, surely that was the only explanation. But that meant Jihyo, her best friend’s girlfriend, the girl her best friend was near  _ certain  _ was the love of her life, was Sana’s soulmate.

Sana covered her face with her hands, this was too much to be going through at nearly 5am; it was way too late for this. She couldn’t stop the floods of tears this time, couldn’t stop herself from sobbing quietly as she realised the gravity of the situation she’d managed to get herself in.

_ Fuck. _

If only Momo hadn’t let them kiss, if only Jihyo had said she didn’t want to. It was hard to think about how so many different factors could’ve been altered slightly, and she would’ve been lying in bed right now, sleeping soundly instead of wide awake and crying.

She’d never asked for this, she’d never wanted this, what the fuck had she done to deserve it?

  
  
  
  


Sana’s head was still aching when she woke up, only this time she was pretty sure it was because of a hangover and not about Jihyo. Or, at least, it wasn’t only about Jihyo this time. This was far from her first hangover, and most likely far from her last, but today was different; Sana had never struggled this much with getting out of bed before, her head felt heavy and it was almost as if she’d lost all strength in her limbs; she couldn't even sit up let alone actually get out of the bed.

She groaned loudly and rubbed her eyes before rolling over to look at the clock, it was around 9am; she'd gotten a record breaking 4 hours of sleep, it wasn’t a lot but it was still more than she'd been expecting.

It'd easily been one of the worst nights of Sana's life, let alone just being one of the worst nights sleep she'd ever gotten. It had been 4 hours of restless and fitful sleep, plagued with a painfully vivid dream replaying the party in excruciating detail; every millisecond being played back to her from a third person perspective. Watching herself amble around the house, dance sloppily and attempt to hold conversations with random people had been strange; but the way her heart had ached knowing what was coming had been far too distracting.

Her kiss with Jihyo looked different to how she remembered it, it was over a whole lot sooner than she recalled as well. Jihyo’s hands hadn’t gripped her waist as firmly as she thought, more or less gently resting there; a stark contrast to the way Sana had firmly cupped Jihyo’s cheeks. Maybe in her drunken state she’d imagined this perfect kiss, she’d imagined Jihyo being as in to it as Sana had been.

Loud laughter and the clatter of pots falling drew Sana from her thoughts, Jeongyeon’s loud howl of laughter followed by the quiet sound of Mina shushing her allowed a soft smile to grace Sana’s lips - at least they seemed to be in a significantly better mood than her.

Sana huffed, slowly pushing herself up off the bed so she was sitting up. Her whole body ached, her muscles felt weak and her neck felt as though it could snap under the weight of her head; but Sana was already sick of wallowing alone in her room. She stood up cautiously, holding on to her the end of her bed to help steady herself - this was definitely the worst hangover she’d ever had.

As she shuffled towards her bedroom door, the noises from the kitchen grew louder, Jeongyeon’s distinctive laugh penetrating through the door along with the sound of Mina cursing loudly. Sana chuckled to herself as she slowly exited her room and made her way towards the kitchen.

“Mina, you’re absolutely the worst cook I’ve ever met.” Jeongyeon teased. “How did you manage to burn the eggs?”

“In my defence, someone,” Mina shooting Jeongyeon an accusatory glare, “keeps trying to distract me.”

“Don’t blame me, it’s not my fault you- Oh, hey Sana.” Jeongyeon waved Sana over, smiling brightly. “You look like shit, by the way.”

“I’m so hungover, leave me alone.” Sana groaned, sitting down at the dining table and face-planting it. “How come you two are both so chirpy?”

“We left at like 1am, got McDonald’s and then came back here and went to bed.” Jeongyeon explained. “Plus, we didn’t massively overdo it like you.”

“I did not  _ massively  _ overdo it.” Sana grumbled into the table. “I overdid it an acceptable amount.”

“Was Sooyoung making your drinks?” Mina asked.

“I honestly don’t really remember, I know she made me at least two.” Sana lifted her head of the table slightly, squinting as she tried to recall. “I know she made me a drink when we got there, and then she just handed me another one at some point in the night. Honestly, the whole evening was a blur.” She lied, she could remember the last hour of the party in extremely vivid detail.

“That explains it, Sooyoung has those death drinks she likes to give people.” Jeongyeon shrugged. “Y’know the one Seulgi came up with once, by accident?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get the taste of them out of my mouth.” Sana whined. “What happened at the party then, do you remember anything?”

“Oh there’s some really good gossip to come from that party.” Jeongyeon took the seat opposite her, smiling mischievously. “Apparently two people made out in a game of spin the bottle and discovered they were soulmates.”

Sana jolted upright suddenly, her whole body protested loudly at the action as pain ripped through her skull again; but Sana really could not give less of a shit about the pain. Had Jihyo blabbed about them, did someone else in the game notice what happened and start spreading the rumour. The shit eating grin on Jeongyeon’s face was doing nothing to settle her pounding heart; she really wasn’t ready for people to know yet.

“Who?” Sana asked timidly, silently praying to herself.

“You know Jung Jinsoul, right?” Jeongyeon started, and Sana visibly deflated before nodding back at Jeongyeon. “According to Soobin, her and Ha Sooyoung kissed during spin the bottle and  _ boom!  _ They’re soulmates.”

Sana ran a hand through her hair, trying to not act suspicious; the odds of two couples discovering they were soulmates on the same night at the same party wasn’t unheard of; but both couples finding out in the same way was unusual and had served to give Sana a heart attack.

“That’s fucking crazy.” Sana whistled lowly.

“I know right? They’ve been best friends for years and that was the first time they’d kissed, during spin the bottle. Crazy.” Jeongyeon clicked her tongue, leaning back in her chair. “Did you know they met at math camp when they were 15?”

“No fucking way.” Sana giggled. “Jinsoul I can totally get, but Sooyoung? Math camp?”

“It’s kinda cute, I dunno.” Jeongyeon shrugged. “I mean, it’s not as cute as how Mina and I met but it’s cute.”

“What’s it like kissing your soulmate for the first time?” Sana asked sheepishly as Mina sat down next to her, a bowl of cereal in her hands. The bowl was practically glowing a bright colour against all the grey surrounding it, Sana tried her best to not stare at it.

This wasn’t the first time she’d asked them what it was like for them when they’d first kissed, she’d always been curious about how it felt, but now it felt different for Sana. Now she’d experienced it herself, she wanted to compare how it was for others; find out if it was normal for people to feel pain after.

“You’ve asked us this before, Sana.” Mina chuckled, watching Sana curiously.

“I know, I know.” Sana rolled her eyes, acting as casual as she could. “But what was it like immediately after? You’ve never told me that before.”

“Well,” Jeongyeon started, pausing to gather her words. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just felt really  _ warm _ and it was like all the air left my lungs, as if we’d been kissing for ages when it had only really been a peck.”

“You get a small sharp pain behind your eyes too, or at least  _ I  _ did anyway.” Mina paused when she saw Sana wince slightly. “Don’t worry about it, it’s really not that bad a pain and it goes away the second you see the first colour.”

“Is that the same for everyone, or just you guys?” Sana asked, trying really hard to ignore the way her throat was closing and her heart ached the more she dwelled on how the pain was supposed to have stopped quickly, when hers had lasted for hours. “Do all soulmates get the same feelings?”

“I think it depends on the couple? I’m not totally sure.” Jeongyeon admitted.

“When did you guys first see the first colour?” Sana continued, it both hurt to hear about how wonderful everything had gone for them and also gave her a semblance of hope for herself.

“I’m not sure if it was destiny of just luck.” Mina giggled. “Jeongyeon was wearing this ugly lime green jacket.”

“And Mina was carrying a light blue folder.” Jeongyeon smiled softly at Mina. “It was definitely destiny, I brought that jacket to school by accident; I’d wanted to take a different one. And it's not an ugly jacket, clearly you know nothing about fashion.”

“Wow, that’s definitely destiny.” Sana agreed quietly. “The universe works in mysterious ways sometimes.”

“I can’t wait for you to meet your soulmate, Sana.” Jeongyeon smiled at her happily, Sana’s heart skipped a beat at that and she grimaced. “Don’t make that face, you’ll meet her one day and get to experience all this for yourself.”

“Yeah.” Sana nodded, desperately trying to force back the tears that were threatening to spill. It was amazing how one simple sentence that was meant to be comforting and kind could break her heart like that. “I can’t wait.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


It was yellow. The first colour Sana ever saw was yellow.

She stared at the colour chart on her laptop screen, it was merely an array of various shades of grey, but with one colour standing out. Yellow.

The colour yellow was bright, it exuded happiness and warmth; Sana could absolutely see why Jihyo would grow to love it so much. The more she read through the meaning of the colour, the more she could see how it related to Jihyo, but also how drastically parts of it contrasted to the situation they were currently in.

The colour yellow was described as ‘the happiest of colours’, the colour of optimism and sunshine. It truly fit Jihyo, as much as she wanted to disagree with it. Jihyo was a bright, charismatic and warm person - there’s no way she and Momo would’ve fallen in love had she not been. As much as it pained her to see Momo and Jihyo together, she would’ve had to have been blind to not see how Jihyo brought the best out in Momo, they were truly at their happiest when they were together.

The irony of yellow representing ‘communication’ was not lost on Sana, and she let out an airy chuckle as she read further down the webpage. The colour was supposed to spark happiness and increase energy, but at the moment it seemed to have the opposite effect.

Sana couldn’t help but wonder if Jihyo was doing the same thing as her right now, if Jihyo was also trawling the internet looking up different colours and their meanings; if she liked Sana’s favourite colour as much as she liked Jihyo’s. Perhaps they had the same favourite colour, or at least something similar, because, despite the negative connotations it brought at current, Sana was really fond of the colour yellow. 

As she stared back at the colour chart, Sana wondered what colour she’d get to see next and how long it would be until she got to see it.

It could be any amount of time, truthfully. Whilst Sana and Momo did live in the same apartment, and Jihyo was frequently there as a result of Momo living there, it wouldn’t shock Sana if the couple spent more time at Jihyo’s instead; admittedly, if Sana was in Jihyo’s shoes she’d probably do that herself. Granted, she could always seek Jihyo out herself, in the pursuit of seeing more colours, but she was also far too scared to face Jihyo yet.

How fitting it was that the colour yellow also represented cowardice.

  
  
  
  
  


Momo didn’t return to their apartment until monday afternoon, Sana didn’t realise how anxious she’d been to see Momo again until she casually strolled into the apartment and all the air left Sana's lungs at the sight of her. She was wearing a yellow t-shirt, and it made Sana feel unbelievably guilty. The colour yellow seemed to be everywhere.

She shot Momo an awkward smile from where she was sat on the couch, Momo eagerly returning it and then making a b-line over to where Sana was sat. The proximity was making Sana feel incredibly anxious, unable to shake the feeling of betrayal despite the fact she hadn’t done anything wrong. At least, not deliberately.

“Feels like I haven’t spoken to you in forever, even though it’s been like 2 days.” Momo sighed, sitting down next to Sana and cuddling into her side. “How have you been?”

“Good, I’m doing good.” Sana nodded neutrally, wrapping an arm around Momo easily. “How are you?”

“Great.” Momo hummed happily. “Had the best day with Jihyo yesterday, we had a picnic in the park.”

Sana’s stomach lurched at the mention of Jihyo’s name. Jihyo had always seemed to have that effect on her, but this time it felt different; she felt more uncomfortable at the mention of her name. Sana figured it was likely the guilt.

“That’s nice, it was good weather for it.” Sana agreed quietly.

“Did you enjoy the party? I didn’t see much of you.” Momo peered up at her curiously.

_ “That’s because you spent the entire evening with your tongue down Jihyo’s throat.”  _ Sana thought to herself grumpily, but she did her best to not let it show. “Yeah it was great, drank way too much and had the worst hangover though.”

“Yeah me too, honestly don’t remember most of the party.” Momo giggled. “I remember stumbling into an uber with Jihyo and going back to hers, and I remember doing body shots at some point, but that’s about it.”

“Yeah, it was a really crazy night.” Sana hummed in agreement.

“Oh shit I just remembered,” Momo sat up slightly so she was looking Sana dead in the eyes, “You and Jihyo had to kiss in a game of truth or dare.”

“Oh yeah, I totally forgot.” Sana gulped, palms sweating as her heart hammered in her chest - she’d really hoped Momo would’ve forgotten. “Yeah, that was kinda funny I guess.”

“You should’ve seen your face after, you looked so shocked.” Momo laughed, poking Sana’s cheek, settling back into Sana’s side. “It was so funny, Jihyo thought so too.”

Sana wanted nothing more than to escape the conversation, make up some bullshit excuse for why she had to leave and just run away. Of course Jihyo had found it funny, she had a girlfriend she loved so why would she give a shit she’d found her soulmate? The thought of Jihyo dismissing it as a joke so quickly hurt way more than Sana imagined.

“Speaking of Jihyo, she mentioned you two were meeting up for coffee tomorrow?” Momo interrupted Sana’s thoughts, looking at Sana so happily. “She even said it was  _ your  _ idea.”

“Oh yeah, about that- ” Sana started.

“Honestly Sana, I really appreciate you making the effort. You have no idea how much this means to me.” Momo interjected before Sana was able to make up an excuse for why she could no longer go for coffee. “I know you and her aren’t exactly best friends, so you organising this really means the world to me.”

Momo smiled up at Sana, using her big puppy dog eyes that always melted Sana’s heart - it really wasn’t possible to say no to Momo. Sana couldn’t help the soft smile that graced her features at the sight of Momo looking so happy.

“It’s nothing Momo, I know how much you want us to get along so I’ll try my best.” Sana relented, ignoring the way her stomach lurched in protest. 

“You’re the best Sana, I just know you two will get on like a house on fire.” Momo chirped excitedly. “Promise me you won’t share  _ too  _ many embarrassing stories about me? I don’t want you to scare her away.” Momo teased with a giggle.

“I promise I’ll won’t share the worst ones, the tissue story will stay between us don’t worry.” Sana laughed, ignoring the way her stomach turned with remorse. “I’ll be on my best behaviour tomorrow.”

“Phew, knew I could trust you.” Momo sighed dramatically.

Sana smiled nervously to herself, trying to squash any feelings of doubt and guilt as she pressed a kiss to the crown of Momo’s head. 

  
  
  
  
  


Sana [15:35pm]

hey jihyo, it’s sana

just thought i’d text you to remind

you about coffee tomorrow

i’ve already reassured momo its

happening so

Jihyo [15:39pm]

hey sana

thanks for reminding me

i hadn’t forgotten tho

had kind of been hoping you

had tbh lmaooo

Sana [15:40pm]

yeah i honestly had until momo

reminded me lmao

Jihyo [15:41pm]

well that’s momo haha

as much as im dreading it we

defo need to talk

Sana [15:42pm]

yeah for sure

we can’t avoid the convo forever

unless?

Jihyo [15:42pm]

lmao idk if that's possible

you live with my gf

Sana [15:43pm]

right yeah

lmaoo was just kidding anyway

i guess that’s something we’ll

discuss tomorrow

Jihyo [15:44pm]

yeah i think this whole convo is an

in person kinda convo

can’t have it over text

Sana [15:45pm]

yeah you’re defo right

there's a whole bean by the library

that work for you?

Jihyo [15:46pm]

yup fine by me

see you tomorrow

don’t be late!! 

Sana [15:47pm]

i’ll be perfectly punctual dw

see ya

  
  
  
  
  


Sana hadn’t intended to be 20 minutes early to coffee, but her anxiety had gotten the best of her making her paranoid about being late. So now there she was, sat in the corner of the coffee shop delicately sipping on her second coffee.

She had barely slept the night before, her mind running rampant as she tossed and turned the whole night only getting like 2 hours sleep in total; dance class had been exceedingly difficult that morning as a result. She’d thought up every single possible scenario of what could happen, even gone as far as to rank each one in terms of which was most likely to occur. It was near absurd just how much she was dreading this, she was seeing her soulmate for the first time since they discovered they were soulmates, she should be excited.

Sana took a long gulp from her mug of coffee, ignoring the way it scolded the insides of her mouth and instead focussing on the sweet taste, the caffeine boost was both needed and greatly appreciated, the last thing she needed right now was for her brain to stop working. A quick glance told her she still had 5 minutes before Jihyo was supposed to arrive, 5 minutes to figure out what the fuck her game plan was.

There were 2 directions she could try to steer this: she could either try to persuade Jihyo to leave Momo and give them a try, or she could step aside and let Momo and Jihyo be together. Admittedly, neither one seemed massively appealing right now.

Her feelings towards Jihyo were nonexistent. She didn’t have this deep seated love for the girl that she’d tried to suppress, she was just some girl her best friend was dating, who happened to be her soulmate. Not once had she pictured being in this situation, not once had she ever imagined that Jihyo would be her soulmate and she’d never really hoped she was either.

But, this was something she’d dreamt of her entire life and it had actually happened. She had actually found her soulmate. Granted, this was far from how she’d imagined it happening, in her dreams she’d meet her soulmate in some movie esque way; the sort of meet cute that people would envy, that could be turned into the perfect romcom. The perfect love story.

This was far from that.

Having your best friend, the epitome of a platonic soulmate, be the one your soulmate loves and then also become her  _ girlfriend  _ was far from how she’d wanted things to go. Matters were made so much worse knowing how much that Momo loved Jihyo too, she’d have felt a little bit less guilty if Momo and Jihyo weren’t that smitten with each other; but thinking about that fact only serves to make her stomach clench in guilt.

The selfish part of Sana really wanted to say fuck it and just beg Jihyo to choose her, but she loved Momo with every fibre of her being, and she just couldn’t do that to her - Momo didn’t deserve that.

The gentle sound of a bell chime drew her attention, and she peered over at the doorway to see Jihyo cautiously walk in, her eyes searching for someone and then settling on Sana; Jihyo visibly tensed when the pair made eye contact. The slight pain behind Sana’s eyes returned.

“Hey, I’m gonna grab a coffee, do you want anything?” Jihyo set her bag down on chair opposite Sana, pulling her wallet out. “We can talk about everything, I just need caffeine first.”

“An americano is fine, thank you.” Sana nodded stiltedly, trying not to let her anxiousness show as she watched Jihyo nod back and leave to go order.

Sana rung out her hands as she watched Jihyo stand by the counter, the other girls gaze darting around the small shop, looking at everything but Sana; a weird feeling bubbled up in her chest as she thought about it. Jihyo was practically shaking as she carried the two mugs of coffee back to their table, at least she clearly wasn’t the only person who was nervous about this whole meet-up.

“There you go.” Jihyo muttered as she handed Sana the coffee, taking the seat opposite her.

“Thank you.” Sana smiled awkwardly at her, setting her coffee on the table to allow it to cool before she drank any. “Don’t worry, I promise I’ll pay you back.”

“It’s just a coffee, Sana.” Jihyo chuckled, shaking her head at her. “You don’t have to pay me back.”   
  


“Yeah I know, but you’re a broke little freshman. It’s my duty to help.” Sana teased, tension already seeming to slip away.

“I am near certain I have more money than you, if those 2 empty coffee mugs tell me anything.” Jihyo retaliated easily, smiling at Sana smugly. “This broke little freshman knows how to manage her money better than the broke little sophomore, I can afford to pay for your coffee.”

“This broke little sophomore isn’t  _ that  _ bad at managing her money persé, she’s just very bad at getting any sleep so runs on caffeine.” Sana giggled, pointing a stirrer at Jihyo as if to punctuate her point. “Plus I’m taller than you, so you don’t get to call me ‘little’.”

“Oh come on, you’re barely taller than me.” Jihyo pouted.

“My guess would be like at least 2 inches, which is significant enough for me.” Sana shrugged, smirking cheekily at a pouting Jihyo. “So I’ll call that a victory.”

“2 inches is nothing, you should see some of the girls I went to highschool with, there was one girl who was like 5’8 and her best friends were 5’3.” Jihyo chuckled. “She was younger than both of them as well, and just towered over them. It was so cute.”

“That is cute.” Sana hummed in agreement, taking a sip of her coffee.

“It really was. I miss them, you guys will have to meet them sometime.” Jihyo continued. “They’re seniors now, Nayeon is really fond of them too.”

“Bring them to the New Years party,” Sana suggested, Jihyo’s eyes lit up at that, “Nayeon has already started bragging about how great it’ll be.”

“Nayeon has the  _ best  _ New Years parties, we usually hold them over both of our houses so they’re massive.” Jihyo explained. “I’ll definitely bring them, I think they’re free this year.”

“They better be great if you speak so highly of them.” Sana teased.

“Oh, they’re the best. The two short ones, Dahyun and Chaeyoung, are just  _ so  _ cute they’re actually- ” Jihyo froze suddenly, gripping the coffee mug in her hand tighter and grimacing. “Soulmates. They’re soulmates.”

“Oh… cool.” Sana swallowed down the lump in her throat. She'd actually been enjoying their discussion and had momentarily forgotten why she’d been so anxious for this meetup in the first place. They couldn’t avoid the subject forever. “Yeah… we need to talk about what happened.”

“We really do.” Jihyo agreed sullenly, taking a long gulp of her coffee. “I just don’t know where to start.”

“Me neither.” Sana mumbled, running a hand through her hair. “What colour did you see first?”

“Pink.” Jihyo replied almost immediately. “You had a pink cardigan on. At first I thought I was imagining things but it didn’t go back to being grey.”

“That’s kinda crazy, because I have no idea where that cardigan came from.” Sana laughed awkwardly, scratching at the back of her neck. “I didn’t come with a jacket, I guess someone just handed me one at some point.”

“Yeah, weird.” Jihyo nodded. “What colour did you see first?”

“Yellow, the wall behind you was yellow.” Sana answered. “It’s a really nice colour, I can see why it’ll be your favourite.”

“How so? What does it look like?”

“Well, I don’t know how to describe it. But it’s really bright, it’s the colour of the sun so it’s also really warm.” Sana explained. “I looked up what it means too, it’s the colour of happiness and optimism.”

“That’s really nice, I can’t wait to get to see it.” Jihyo smiled bashfully. “Pink is a really pretty colour too, I think it means love and affection which is- ”

“Ironic.”

“Yeah… definitely very ironic.” Jihyo winced, placing her mug on the table, blatantly avoiding eye contact. “We need to talk about what we’re gonna do now, we can’t avoid this conversation.”

“Well, you’re the one with a girlfriend.” Sana shrugged as nonchalantly as she could. “Maybe you should take the lead in this conversation.”

“Right, I don’t know what to say.” Jihyo sighed, covering her face with her hands and releasing a shaky breath. “I really love Momo, I don’t want to lose her, I  _ can’t  _ lose her Sana. You need to understand that.”

“I suppose I understand, you two are really good together.” Sana agreed quietly, hating the way her heart clenched and ached.

“I just really wish we’d never kissed in that stupid game, I would’ve been so happy living out the rest of my life not knowing we were soulmates.” Jihyo murmured, Sana could see the way she was fighting back tears and it made her whole body ache.

“Me too, but I guess getting to see in colour is cool.” Sana joked lightly, trying to lift the mood.

“Yeah, right.” Jihyo sniffled, wiping at her eyes. “At least that’s a silver lining.”

“So.” Sana started, unsure of how to word what she wanted to say without sounding like she wanted to split up Jihyo and Momo. “What about  _ us _ ? Where do we fit into this whole mess?”

“There is no  _ us,  _ Sana.” Jihyo refuted quickly, sitting up straight to look at Sana, unshed tears making her eyes sparkle - it was slightly distracting. “Momo is my girlfriend, I love  _ her _ , I’m not about to ruin that because of what the universe wants.”

“No offence Jihyo, but you two have only been dating, like, 4 months.” Sana scoffed. “Seems kind of stupid to throw away your literal  _ soulmate. _ ”

“Sana, don’t say that. You don’t know shit about me and Momo, because you avoided me like the fucking plague for months.” Jihyo growled, eyeing Sana angrily. “I’m not going to throw away what I have with Momo for a girl I’ve had 3 conversations with because the universe wants me to.”

“Yeah, but- ”

“My parents aren’t soulmates, and they’re unbelievably happy together.” Jihyo interjected before Sana could continue. “If you think I’m going to listen to the universe, let the universe tell me who will make me happy, you’re fucking crazy. Because clearly the universe doesn’t know  _ shit. _ ”

“Okay, fine. I guess that’s fair” Sana conceded before Jihyo could get too angry, the other girl relaxing slightly at her words. “But how do we tell Momo about this?”

“Tell Momo what?” Jihyo asked, moving to take a drink.

“Tell Momo that we’re, y’know, soulmates.” Sana replied, as if it was the only obvious answer.

“What?” Jihyo nearly choked on her coffee in shock, staring at Sana as if she was crazy. “We can  _ not  _ tell Momo about this, are you fucking crazy?”

“What’s so crazy about telling Momo?”

“Imagine hearing that your girlfriend and your best friend, who is also obsessed with the idea of soulmates, are actually soulmates?” Jihyo rolled her eyes. “It’d break her heart. And you know Momo, she’d step aside immediately no matter how much it would hurt her.”

“Okay, so no telling Momo then.” Sana sighed, she had no idea how they were supposed to keep it hidden, but she really didn’t want to start an argument. “How are we going to keep it a secret, this is kind of a huge thing?”

“Fuck, you’re probably right.” Jihyo groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose as she racked her brain for an idea. “Well, obviously we can’t talk about colours  _ ever,  _ and I guess we just hang out less? So I’ll spend more time at my dorm or warn you when we’re at yours so you can go to the library?”

“That works, but if we’re never in the same room Momo will get suspicious.” Jihyo pointed out. “Or even worse, Jeongyeon will get suspicious and she’ll tell Mina and Nayeon. And what about at parties and don’t forget Momo’s birthday dinner.”

“Shit, why does this have to be so complicated.” Jihyo whined, choking back a sob that made a bubble form in Sana’s throat. “This is just all so fucked up, I never wanted this.”

Sana stared at Jihyo as the other girl started to cry, unsure of how to react, what to do or what to say. This whole situation was a disaster, of all the ways she’d expected this to go she’d never expected Jihyo to start crying. Sana had always prided herself on being great at comforting people, had often been complimented on her ability to always know what to say to cheer someone up; but right now she was stumped. Jihyo’s whole body shook as she sobbed, she’d covered her face with her hands in an attempt to muffle her cries - but Sana could hear each and every sob loud and clear, each cry only serving to break Sana’s heart even more.

Jihyo was a short person, that wasn’t a secret, jokes had frequently been made about how tiny Jihyo was. But, Sana didn’t think she’d ever seen a person look so small.

She didn’t know what to say, so Sana just wordlessly extended her hand, an invitation for Jihyo to hold it. There was no ignoring the electricity that shot down her arm when Jihyo sheepishly linked their fingers, and the way Jihyo winced indicated she felt it too.

“Momo’s going to hate me when she finds out.” Jihyo spoke barely above a whisper, the tears spilling from her eyes not ceasing. “I’m going to lose the best person I’ve ever met over a stupid kiss in truth or dare.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Momo could  _ never  _ hate anyone least of all you.” Sana reassured her, squeezing her hand gently. “She doesn’t have to find out if we’re careful, I promise I’ll do my absolute best to keep my mouth shut.”

“I don’t want your friendship with Momo to be ruined by this either, I know how much she loves you.” Jihyo sniffled, looking up at Sana with wide, guilty eyes. “It’s bad enough knowing this is putting our relationship in jeopardy, but knowing it’s also putting your friendship at risk too is just too much.”

Sana squeezed Jihyo’s hand again, unsure what to say but also not really wanting to speak in fear of starting to cry as well. In truth it hadn’t really crossed her mind that she was at risk of losing Momo, despite how the summer and the start of the new school year had gone with them, she’d never pictured her future without Momo in it; so the thought she could now lose that was a bitter pill to swallow.

“You should hear how she talks about you, Sana.” Jihyo smiled at her sadly, breath hitching as she spoke. “She talks about you as if you’ve known each other your whole lives, I was so surprised to find out you only met last year.”

“When Momo loves someone she really loves them with her everything.” Sana agreed solemnly. “Everything will be okay, Jihyo. Even if she does find out, which I’m sure she won’t unless we choose to tell her, I’m almost certain she’ll be understanding and won’t get angry at us. She really doesn’t have a bad bone in her body.”

“She really doesn’t, she doesn’t deserve any of this.” Jihyo sighed, releasing Sana’s hand to brush her hand through her hair; Sana immediately missing the way their hands fit together. “I really don’t deserve her, she’s too good for this; for me.”

“I don’t know you that well, but I know Momo; and I know that she must see something great in you or else she wouldn’t have fallen in love with you.” Sana replied honestly, relishing in the shy smile that graced Jihyo’s lips. “She’s just the  _ pickiest  _ person I’ve ever met.”

“You really think so? You think she’s in love with me?” Jihyo asked hopefully, her eyes sparkled when they met Sana’s, and Sana’s breath caught in her throat; rendering her momentarily speechless.

“I can just tell.” Sana smiled warmly at Jihyo, a stark contrast to how cold her chest felt. “It may not feel like it right now, but I just know you two will be okay.”

“Thank you, I really needed to hear you say that.” Jihyo sighed in relief, wiping away the tear tracks staining her cheeks. “But, no offence Sana, kissing you is still the biggest mistake of my life. And I really wish it’d never happened.”

“Am I really that bad a kisser?” Sana joked, her teasing smile a stark contrast to the way her heart was breaking, as for some strange reason she couldn’t explain, she didn’t regret anything.

“Sana, stop it.” Jihyo raised a warning eyebrow at her.

“You’ve really bruised my ego here, Jihyo” Sana clutched at her chest dramatically, but she could feel the way her heart was beating against her ribcage. “My heart, it’s breaking.”

“Sana.”

“I mean, I’ve only ever heard great things before.” Sana continued, spurred on by the small smile she could see Jihyo trying to fight back. “This is what hurts the most, you saying that I’m a bad kisser.”

“Sana, I will leave.” Jihyo sighed. Unable to hide her smile. “You know what I mean.”

“I know, I know.” Sana grinned innocently. “Just wanted to lighten the mood a bit.”

“Well, thank you.” Jihyo beamed back at her, the sadness that had remained in her eyes disappearing, and Sana really wished her heart would stop beating so hard. “You definitely helped a little.”

“I’ll take that, better than nothing.” Sana cheered triumphantly, it was surprising even to herself how much she wanted to keep seeing Jihyo smile.

“Hate to bring the mood down so quickly,” Jihyo started anxiously, slight grimace visible. “What  _ do  _ we tell Momo about today, are we gonna tell her it went well or badly?”

“Well, the way I see it, either option could either work in our favour or against us. But, knowing Momo, both options will likely end up with us having to hang out more with her.” Sana pointed out, Jihyo groaned tiredly. “I’d say we tell her today went well, it’ll make her really happy if she hears we got on well.”

“That’s true.” Jihyo agreed, bobbing her head slightly as she spoke. “She’d be over the moon if we told her we had a good time.”

“Well, I mean, all things considered, I’d call this a success.” Sana hesitated, eyes searching Jihyo’s face for any signs of disagreement. “This could’ve ended with us arguing the whole time, I’d say we got on alright.”

“Yeah, I’d say this was pretty okay - all things considered.” Jihyo affirmed. “You’re not as bad as feared, so.”

“That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Sana sang happily, Jihyo merely rolling her eyes at her antics.

“Don’t ruin it, Sana.” Jihyo chided teasingly. “I will tell Momo this went terribly.”

“I just have one final question, that’s it.” Sana promised, tone as neutral as she could manage.

“What is it?” Jihyo asked sceptically.

“How would you rate my kissing ability, on a scale of 1 to 10?”

“Fuck off.”

* * *

  
  


Red, that was the second colour Sana saw.

It didn’t hit her until after Jihyo left the café, but the second Jihyo was out of her sight that pain behind her eyes returned with a vengeance.

Sana squeezed her eyes shut as the sharp pain reverberated around her skull, but at least this time Sana knew why and what to expect when she opened her eyes. She massaged her temples gently, hissing quietly as the pain seemed to grow.

When she opened her eyes, she didn’t have to look too far before she saw the new colour; one of the mugs on the coffee table in front of her illuminated in a bright colour contrasting against the cool grey of everything surrounding it. Whilst the colour yellow was a light and happy colour, this new colour was so much more dramatic and intense. They both exuded warmth, but in completely different ways Sana just couldn’t explain.

The colour was beautiful, and Sana immediately wondered if this was the colour pink; perhaps  _ this  _ was to be her favourite colour.

As Sana rushed home, anxious to further research this new colour from the sanctity of her bedroom, she realised how this new colour was everywhere. From the stop signs along the road, to the wait lights from traffic lights and the brake lights of cars; anything to do with stopping or waiting, this colour represented it and it felt oddly fitting that this was the colour she should see now.

The colour red was the colour of passion, symbolising love, energy, anger, danger and courage. Like the colour yellow it was warm, but this time it was a far more intense feeling than before; much like how everything just seemed to be more intense around Jihyo than before. Red being associated with drama was exceedingly appropriate, as this whole situation felt like a plot from one of the kdramas she liked to watch.

It was painfully ironic how this new colour also represented love, and Sana felt a pang in her chest as she continued her research; red was the colour used most prevalently during Valentine’s Day as a representative for not only love but also lust, so often associated with a person’s infatuation with another. Nothing about her situation seemed to fit this, she had never felt so far from being in love than she did right now; had never felt so far from her happy ending.

A part of her knew what she was doing likely wasn’t wise, that studying every little meaning about the colour and researching different everyday things that were yellow would only serve to cause her more pain; but this was something she’d  _ always  _ planned to do when she met her soulmate. When she was a child she’d dreamed about doing this and slowly discovering all the colours of the world; Sana wasn’t about to lose that dream too.

Sana wondered what colour Jihyo was seeing at that moment, if she too could see the colour red or if she’d learned a new colour. She couldn’t help but wonder if there was a deliberate pattern to how colours cropped up, or if it was just random as there didn’t seem to be any distinct pattern to it. At least, not yet.

The colour pink, that was the one she was most anticipating now she’d learnt it was to be her favourite. She couldn’t help but wonder what it looked like, because so far she’d really liked all the colours she’d seen.

  
  
  
  
  


Momo strolled into their apartment a couple hours after Sana got home, unable to contain the happiness that was radiating off her. Sana paused her hunt for colourful items in their kitchen when she heard the door open, knowing instantly it was Momo purely from the way she was whistling happily. It was relatively safe to assume that Momo had likely already spoken to Jihyo if her obvious good mood was anything to go by.

“Sana~” Momo’s practically sang, her voice ringing out throughout the apartment and Sana sheepishly put away the red bowl she’d been inspecting before she was caught.

“Hey Momoring.” Sana chirped happily, standing up from where she’d been sat on the floor so she could be seen. “Good day?”

“Got my history essay back, and got an A-.” Momo presented the document to her excitedly, so perhaps she  _ hadn’t  _ spoken to Jihyo yet.

“Oh shit, nice one.” Sana congratulated her, inspecting the paper briefly. “And on European history too, I know how much you hate that topic. I’m so proud of my little genius.” Sana praised her earnestly, pulling her into a warm embrace.

“Thank you, darling.” Momo giggled. “How about you, how was your day? Oh wait! How was coffee with Jihyo? Was it okay? Did you guys argue again?”

“Don’t fret Momo, it went really well.” Sana reassured her, smiling at how Momo sank further into her embrace in relief. “We got on really well, not going to lie to you it was kind of surprising how easily we got on.”

“You have no idea how good that is to hear, Sana. I knew you two would get on well!” Momo sighed, pressing a kiss to Sana’s cheek. “I’m not going to lie, I would’ve been gutted if you hadn’t gotten along. At least now we can hang out as a group again and I don’t have to worry if you’re uncomfortable or unhappy.”

Sana felt a small lump in her throat form at Momo’s words, she hadn’t realised how much Momo had worried about her happiness throughout this whole mess - she’d just assumed Momo had been to focused on Jihyo to think about Sana. It made her feel even more guilty when she remembered Jihyo wanted them to limit the amount of time they spent together, and here Momo was already planning big group hangouts.

“As tempting as that sounds Momo,” Sana started, trying to think up a reasonable excuse for why they couldn’t do that as quickly as she could; one that wouldn’t raise suspicions, “my idea of fun definitely isn’t hanging out with two very gross couples and Nayeon.” Sana chuckled, hoping she didn’t sound as unconvincing as the whole thing felt. But then Momo started laughing, and Sana relaxed slightly.

“What’s wrong with Nayeon?” Momo asked between loud laughs. “She’s not that bad is she?”

“Have you just met Nayeon? She’d spend the whole hangout complaining, trying to start a fight with either Jeong or Jihyo and then round it off with trying to kiss me.” Sana laughed. “I love the girl to pieces, she’s one of my closest friends, but she really is a nightmare around Jeongyeon and Jihyo.”

“No arguments from me, you raise a great point.” Momo agreed, pulling back from their hug to lean against the counter. “You can’t run from group hangouts forever though, you and I both know that if Jeongyeon doesn’t drag you along, Nayeon definitely will.”

“I will, I promise.” Sana insisted, raising her hand in a scouts honour. “When finals are over and party season has started, you won’t be able to keep me away from you guys.”

“Finals don’t start for over a month, Sana.” Momo rolled her eyes at her.

“It’s never too early to start studying, Momo.” Sana pointed out with a wink. “How do you think I maintain my  _ amazing  _ grades.”

“You literally become a recluse and talk to no one for like a good month prior to exams.” Momo countered teasingly.

“Listen, you can’t argue with results.” Sana quipped, giggling at the exasperated sigh Momo let out.

“Whatever, nerd.” Momo teased, sticking her tongue out at her for good measure. “Tell me more about coffee with Ji, what did you guys talk about? Did you talk about me?”

“Wow, so self obsessed.” Sana tutted, punctuated with an over-the-top roll of her eyes. “We talked about a lot of stuff.”

“Give me details, I’m nosy.” Momo pressed, that curious glint in her eyes.

Sana was stumped, she and Jihyo  _ had  _ talked about a lot of stuff at coffee - but most of that had involved them being soulmates and how they were planning on dealing with that information; thus a substantial portion of their meetup was strictly off limits, she couldn’t talk about it. Granted they’d joked around for the first 5 minutes or so about each other, but that was hardly noteworthy and definitely wouldn’t satiate Momo’s curiosity.

“Well, we talked about her friends from highschool for a bit, I forget their names.” Sana started, trying her best to make it up as she went along.

“Dahyun, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu?” Momo offered, Sana nodded in confirmation.

“Yes, the giant and then the two tiny ones that are soulmates.” Sana confirmed, Momo laughed at her descriptions of them.

“That’s them, she keeps meaning to introduce me to them but timing is always off.” Momo explained. “They seem like really funny girls though.”

“That’s a good point actually, we talked about Nayeon’s New Year Party and I told her to invite them to that so we could all meet them properly.” Sana added.

“Oh good idea, what else did you talk about then?” Momo asked as innocently as she could muster, not fooling Sana in the slightest.

“You really  _ are  _ nosy, Momoring.” Sana scolded her jokingly, Momo just shrugged with a grin. “She asked about my highschool friends, so I gave her a quick rundown. And then we talked about,” Sana paused, wincing slightly as she thought of what else she could say. She’d already lied once about what they’d talked about and she was already completely out of things to say, “I can’t tell you the rest, it’s a secret.”

It wasn’t a lie, and to most people she was sure that would’ve been enough for them and they’d back off; not try to squeeze more information out of her. But, Momo was not most people and the way her eyes lit up at the mention of the word ‘secret’ told Sana she’d just said the wrong thing.

“What secret? Why can’t you tell me? Oh, please just give me a hint!” Momo pleaded desperately.

“I can’t tell you, Momoring.” Sana shrugged nonchalantly. “Jihyo will get pissed at me if I do, so I’m keeping my mouth zipped shut.”

“Please, Sana.” Momo whined, pouting at her stubbornly. “Just the tiniest hint, I’ll die if you don’t tell me  _ something _ .”

“God, you’re so dramatic sometimes.” Sana mumbled. “Fine, your only hint is that it  _ did  _ involve you.” Sana stated cooly, it wasn’t a lie; but it was likely not what Momo was thinking.

“What does that mean? Wait.” Momo paused, an excited grin spread across her face. “Is it about my birthday? Did you talk about my birthday?”

“I’m not saying anything else Momo, you got your hint.” Sana explained, hoping that would be enough to settle Momo’s curiosity. She was very wrong.

“Where you planning a party, discussing presents?” Momo quizzed, eyes wide with excitement as she continued her barrage of questions. “Please give me another hint, Sana!”

“Nope, I’m not telling you shit.” Sana maintained, rolling her eyes at how Momo whined grumpily at her. “I’m not about to get in trouble with your girlfriend over this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go for a nap.”

Momo’s pouted at her as she turned to make her way to her bedroom, Sana turned simply winked at her before she disappeared into the safety of her own room. As soon as her door was closed, Sana covered her face with her hands and groaned - she’d really dug herself into a hole now. She pulled her phone from her pocket, she was definitely going to have to warn Jihyo about this before Momo asked her and their whole story fell apart.

  
  


Sana [17:15pm]

just a quick heads up

told momo i told you about my

highschool friends so if she

asks their names were sakura

yuta, viian and eunha

eunha was a korean exchange

Jihyo [17:17pm]

okay ty for letting me know lmao

doesn’t eunha go to our uni?

Sana [17:20pm]

yeah she does she friends w/

yerin eunbi sojung and that lot

Jihyo [17:21pm]

oke i'll do my best to remember ty

anything else?

Sana [17:22pm]

oh fuck yes actually

momo thinks we’re planning

something for her bday

Jihyo [17:23pm]

oh fuck why does she think that??

Sana [17:23pm]

i told her i couldn’t tell her

what we were talking about bcs

it was a secret and she

immediately thought of her bday

Jihyo [17:24pm]

aren’t you and nayeon planning it

Sana [17:25pm]

we are indeed

well it’s mostly nayeon tbh

we’re just going

to her fave restaurant for a meal

Jihyo [17:26pm]

okay it should be fine we can

just say we were talking about that

wait what have you gotten her?

to double check we haven’t got the

same thing

Sana [17:27pm]

got her a big stuffed raccoon she

was eyeing the other day

Jihyo [17:27pm]

oke cool i got her a cook book

she said she wanted to learn to cook

so

Sana [17:28pm]

okay sweet

we’re in the clear lmaoo

anyway imma go for a nap

just thought i’d give you a heads up

ttyl.

Jihyo [17:28pm]

ttyl, sleep well

  
  
  
  
  


It was Momo’s birthday, and as Sana sat on the bus on the way to the restaurant all she could think was how she  _ should  _ be excited; but she really wasn’t. She had never felt dread like this before, the pit in her stomach seemingly bottomless as the bus brought her closer and closer to her stop.

This was going to be the first time they’d all been together as a group since the party, it’d been a whole week since she and Jihyo kissed, discovered they were soulmates, and Sana had used the same excuse to get out of 3 group meetups; but there was no getting out of this one. This was going to be the first time she’d been in the same room as Momo  _ and  _ Jihyo since the incident, and if the guilt of it all didn’t kill her she was certain the awkwardness would. Her palms were already sweating, it felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest any second and she was still around 10 minutes from her stop.

Momo had spent the day at Jihyo’s dorm room, and a week ago Sana would’ve been mad Momo wasn’t spending the morning of her birthday with her, but right now she was thrilled. She’d had the whole day to prepare herself for the dinner, but she knew she’d never really be ready for it. She’d always been good at winging things anyways.

It had been particularly difficult to prepare as she’d spent a large part of the morning and afternoon in pure agony, unable to do anything but cry and beg for it to end.

For a Saturday evening, the bus was surprisingly quiet and it gave Sana a chance to think and take in her surroundings. The reds and yellows interspersed with the various shades of grey were a strangely beautiful sight, and Sana wondered what colour she’d get to see after tonight. She’d done extensive research on the colour theory, many people gave differing opinions on it - some adamant the pattern was completely random, while others said each colour had a meaning. The only thing that was set in stone was that 10 colours would have to appear before the person could see them all, but the 10 colours differed with each person.

She wondered what colours she’d get to see, what Jihyo would get to see.

A quick glance out the window and Sana could see she was nearing the restaurant, she pressed the button to get off and stood up from her seat. This was it. The cool autumn air hit her the second she stepped off the bus, winding her a bit as she tried to get her bearings, it was a short walk from the bus stop to the restaurant but it’d be enough time for Sana to relax a little.

It was a little before 7pm, meaning she had a little bit of time before their reservation, so she was in no rush to get to the restaurant; which was a relief as it was difficult to not be distracted by the mesmerising lights that illuminated the street, near impossible to not be left breathless at how they truly made the dark night so much more magical. Sana may have been given a really shitty deal with her soulmate, but at least she got to see such beauty.

_ “Sana!”  _ The call of her name drew her gaze away from the colours, and she looked forward to see Nayeon waving frantically at her. She was wearing a red dress, the colour really suited her.

“Hey, I’m not late am I?” Sana jogged up to Nayeon, careful not to trip in her heels.

“No you’re good, they let us check in early though which was nice, I just came outside for some fresh air while I waited for you, and Jihyo and Momo.” Nayeon reassured her calmly. “Jeongyeon and Mina are being really lovey dovey inside so, no way was I waiting with them.”

“Yeah they do that a lot, you should see them in the apartment.” Sana chuckled, leaning against the wall next to Nayeon. “Jihyo and Momo not here yet?”

“Nope, and they’re probably going to be late, I mean it’s Momo’s birthday so they’re probably fucking.” Nayeon shrugged nonchalantly, Sana flinched at the thought of Jihyo and Momo together intimately.

“What is the plan after dinner, are we going out or?” Sana asked, desperate to change the subject.

“It’s up to Momo really, you know me I’m  _ always  _ down for a night out, but she may want to just go home and ‘sleep’.” Nayeon pointed out, then nodded at two people approaching. “Speak of the devil. Surprised to see you two  _ actually _ here on time.”

“What do you mean? We’re never late.” Momo defended, arm wrapped loosely around Jihyo’s shoulders as they walked. “It’s usually you that’s late to everything, Nayeon.”

“Just figured you’d be busy, that hickey Jihyo’s sporting tells me you guys definitely were at least a little bit  _ busy _ .” Nayeon quipped with a wink, both Momo and Jihyo blushed as Jihyo went to place a hand over the mark. Sana felt sick to her stomach, there was no way she was surviving this dinner. “Anyway, c’mon, Mina and Jeongyeon are already inside waiting and I’m hungry.”

“Why aren’t you inside with them then?” Jihyo asked.

“Why do you think.” Nayeon rolled her eyes, gesturing to the couple cuddled up together at their table.

  
  
  
  
  


Dinner went better than Sana had expected, but when you expect the worst that likely is the case. She’d sat next to Mina and opposite Nayeon, and had talked to them the whole meal. It’d been nice, Jeongyeon and Nayeon had been sat far enough apart that they couldn’t start arguing and thus everyone had enjoyed themselves.

But she’d felt a pair of eyes watching her for a large part of the meal. The second she opened her mouth, whether she was about to speak or not, they were watching her again. Sana couldn’t get too annoyed, because she’d been watching them too.

That hickey on Jihyo’s neck had been drawing her attention the whole evening, no matter how hard she tried to focus on whatever the others were talking about she couldn’t stop staring at it. She knew she had no right to be upset by the sight of it, but she just couldn’t help the way her stomach churned and how her appetite vanished the second she thought about how it was Momo who’d left that mark. Momo was Jihyo’s girlfriend, Momo was the one she was in love with - of course she’d be the one who’d get to suck marks into Jihyo’s neck and wherever else she pleased.

Sana’s neck burned slightly at the same spot where Jihyo’s hickey was, and her throat scratched in a way that no amount of water seemed to remedy.

It was probably just a soulmate thing.

By the end of the meal, it seemed like everyone was already drunk apart from Mina and Sana; it wasn’t abnormal for Mina to abstain from drinking, but it was difficult to remember a time when Sana went out with them as a group and  _ didn’t  _ get drunk. She told them she was tired, didn’t want to get too messy, but in reality she just didn’t trust her mouth when she got drunk; couldn’t risk anyone finding out about her and Jihyo being soulmates from her running her mouth. But from the way Jihyo was slurring her words, giggling into Momo’s neck with an unfocused gaze, she clearly didn’t have the same concerns.

Sana was the only one to call it an early night, having suddenly lost all energy and made up some bullshit excuse about an essay being due at midnight she’d forgotten about, before calling an Uber and letting them continue their night without her. Mina was the only one concerned by her behaviour, shooting her a worried glance as Sana waved them off; she knew she’d definitely be hearing from Mina come morning.

She watched her group of friends stumble down the road in search of a cheap bar and then later a shitty club, Sana sighed to herself as she awaited the inevitable.

The second the group was out of her sight, having turned down onto another street, the pain behind her eyes struck her and Sana cursed under her breath, squeezing her eyes shut in a fruitless attempt to minimise the pain. She’d known it was coming this time, but that didn’t make it any less painful.

Sana opened her eyes slightly, just as a car pulled up in front of the restaurant; her uber was here. Something was off about the car, and it took her a couple of seconds to realise the car wasn’t grey. The colour was dark, completely different to any she’d ever seen before, and she almost hadn’t noticed it due to how dark it was outside. 

She hurriedly clambered into the back seat of the car, saying a quick hello to her uber driver, quietly thankful it was a woman, and tried to guess what colour it was she’d just seen.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Dark blue was the third colour she saw. 

The colour had many different names, it was also often referred to as navy or indigo, and could not have been more different to red and yellow.

Where the previous two colours had been warm, bright and vibrant; dark blue was much cooler and calmer. While red and yellow always seemed to energise her, make her more excited, this new colour had the opposite effect - it was much more relaxing, more subdued than the others. But, she still loved it all the same; each of these colours she was discovering were beautiful in their own way and it made Sana more and more excited to discover them all.

It was the colour of trust, dignity, intelligence, authority but was also used to represent sadness. It made perfect sense to Sana, for whilst it was merely a colour, it seemed more professional than the others, it was a beautiful but in a new way; it seemed to ooze class and Sana was exceedingly fond of it already.

Yet, it also seemed oddly fitting for it to represent sadness; the colour itself being much colder than the others, made it feel more empty and pitiful. Sana had always boasted her positive attitude, been admired for her unwavering positivity and hopefulness no matter the situation. But in this moment, with the image of that hickey blemishing Jihyo’s skin, she’d never felt so connected to a colour emotionally.

Her optimism for the future was wavering for the first time and she didn’t like it.

Sana hoped Jihyo was having a better time than her, silently prayed that the new colour she was seeing was much happier than hers; no matter how bitter and sad she was feeling at that moment, she truly hoped Jihyo was happy.

And that night, as Sana was awoken at 3am in indescribable agony once again, she also hoped Jihyo wasn’t feeling the same pain as well.

  
  
  
  
  


Mina was already waiting for her when Sana arrived at the cafe for their coffee chat, she was eyeing her curiously as Sana casually traipsed through the door, as if she wasn’t already 5 minutes late. She waved over to Mina, signalling she’d seen her before queuing up to order. She could feel Mina’s glare on her and immediately knew she was in trouble; in fairness, when Mina  _ hadn’t  _ grilled her the morning after Momo’s birthday she’d known this was coming.

“Good morning, I can already tell you’re in a great mood this morning, Mina.” Sana greeted her as cheerfully as she could, but Mina’s neutral stare didn’t waiver. “What did I do this time?”

“You’ve been acting weird the past couple weeks.” Mina stated simply, taking a casual sip from her coffee as Sana shuffled awkwardly.

“What do you mean, how have I been acting weird?” Sana asked, she’d pulled out her best acting the past few weeks in an attempt to not raise suspicions, so this was a slight blow to her ego.

“You’ve been more distant than normal, I don’t know how to explain it.” Mina started, pausing to gather her thoughts. “For example, at Momo’s dinner, you were weirdly quiet the whole evening and you didn’t even drink, which is so unlike you.”

“Can’t a girl want to cut down on her drinking  _ without  _ everyone thinking there’s something wrong?” Sana offered weakly.

“Of course, but when have you ever shown any drive to cut down on your drinking.” Mina scoffed. “We all saw you at Sooyoung’s party, there’s no way you’re trying to cut down on your drinking.”

“You also saw how hungover I was the next morning, never doing that again.” Sana insisted, but she could already tell this was a losing battle.

“Please, I’m not an idiot Sana. What’s going on with you?” Mina implored, eyeing her worriedly. “Is this still about Momo and Jihyo?”

“No, I mean,” Sana winced, it was about Momo and Jihyo but there was no way she was telling Mina about that. “Sort of? I’m still not totally onboard with their relationship but it’s whatever, Jihyo and I had a good talk last week and I think we’re good now.”

“Oh shit, I totally forgot you two were doing that.” Mina nodded to herself. “So it went well? That’s kind of surprising.”

“What do you mean it’s surprising? Did you not think we’d get along?” Sana frowned slightly, somewhat surprised at Mina’s words.

“Well, no not really. I was pretty sure you hated her.” Mina shrugged, taking a sip of her coffee as Sana stared at her, shocked.

“Why does everyone always assume I hate her? I never hated her.” Sana whined, pouting at Mina.

“In fairness Sana, you avoided her for months, trash talked about their relationship to me  _ constantly _ and I’m pretty sure you told me you didn’t like her.” Mina pointed out. “So sue me for thinking you hated her.”

“Okay, yeah, you raise an excellent point there.” Sana conceded, grimacing slightly as she thought back on her actions. “Whatever, not important, point is we had a really nice chat over coffee last week and we’re cool now. I dunno, she’s not as bad as I thought, plus she makes Momo really happy so.”

“So if it’s not Jihyo, why have you been acting so strange?” Mina reiterated, she had that glint in her eyes again and Sana knew she wasn’t getting out of this without a convincing answer. “Sana, you can tell me anything.”

“It’s complicated, I guess I’ve just been thinking about this whole soulmate spiel again.” Sana started anxiously. “I don’t know, maybe I’m starting to think I don’t need a soulmate to be happy.” Sana answered as casually as she could, Mina choked on her coffee in disbelief.

“Fuck off, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“I’m serious I swear!” Sana asserted, holding her hands up in surrender. “I admit I’ve been a bit obsessive in the past- ”

“‘A bit obsessive’ yeah alright.” Mina interrupted with an eyeroll.

“Let me finish. I know I’ve been a bit obsessive with the whole thing in the past, but after speaking with Jihyo. I don’t know, her parents seem really happy and they’re not soulmates.” Sana reasoned, hoping it was enough to convince Mina. “Obviously I would much,  _ much  _ rather be with my soulmate, but I guess I’m open to it.”

It was a lie, despite her current situation with Jihyo being far from ideal, she still couldn’t picture herself being with anyone but her soulmate. But, right now she loved Momo more than she wanted to be with Jihyo, so she was at peace with being with no one.

“Never thought I’d see the day you became open to dating someone other than your soulmate, I’m honestly shocked.” Mina exclaimed excitedly. “Jeong and I have  _ so  _ many friends to set you up with. There’s Haseul from my psych class, Soobin from Jeong’s journalism class, Chungha from- ”

“Hold on a second, I said I’m  _ open  _ to it not that I want to start dating right now.” Sana clarified quickly. “Finals are right around the corner, I’m way too busy studying.”

“Finals aren’t for another month, Sana.” Mina countered. “You have plenty of time to go on a couple of dates.”

“Mina, I’m sorry.” Sana sighed. “I’m open to it, but I’m just not ready. It was a big step for me to even admit I could be open to it.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.” Mina apologised. “I’m proud of you though, this really  _ is  _ a big step and I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you, promise you won’t tell anyone about it, though?” Sana pleaded, the last thing she needed was Momo and Jeongyeon breathing down her neck about dating, least of all Nayeon. That girl was  _ itching  _ to set her up with people.

“I promise, this’ll be our little secret.” Mina assured her, beaming at her softly and Sana relaxed at the sight.

  
  
  
  
  


Sana could hear the sound of Jeongyeon and Momo fighting before she even opened the door to her apartment, it was muffled but the distinctive shrieks were still audible. The amount of times she’d come home to Jeongyeon and Momo fighting was so many that she was nearly used to it, barely flinched when a shrill screech pierced her eardrums the second she opened the door and didn’t flinch when a pillow was hurtled in her direction the second she was in view of the living room.

Jeongyeon had Momo pinned to the sofa as the other girl writhed and screamed for mercy, Sana simply rolled her eyes, took her coat off and set it on the back of one of the dining chairs before giving the pair her full attention. Jeongyeon, forever shameless, simply pointed at the cushion lying pitifully on the floor in the corridor.

“Can you throw that back, if I release her she’ll kick me again.” Jeongyeon asked, Sana simply sighed before chucking the cushion back to Jeongyeon.

“Did you start fighting because Momo kicked you?” Sana questioned casually, completely unphased by how Jeongyeon was hitting Momo with the pillow as the other girl frantically tried to grab it off her.

“No, this time it was my fault.” Jeongyeon panted, not ceasing her attack no matter how much Momo whined. “She was just watching cartoons, and I was bored so.”

“Right, how long are you gonna be fighting because I want to watch TV and you’ve kind of commandeered the whole couch here” Sana sighed, rolling her eyes when Jeongyeon gestured to the TV remote. “It’s also really hard to hear the TV over the sound of Momo’s screams. Seriously, how are you not deaf by now.”

“No idea, but I do think my hearing is going because of her.” Jeongyeon chuckled, before moving to sit next to Momo on the couch, effectively ending their fight. “And I’m tired now, so we’re done fighting.”

“We’ll call this one a draw then.” Momo spluttered, completely out of breath as she struggled to sit up on the couch.

“A draw seems fair, no doubt in another half an hour you would’ve had her Momoring.” Sana commented sarcastically, laughing at the angry pout Momo fixed her with as she sat down on the other side of Jeongyeon.

“You laugh now, but you and I both know I could easily beat you both in a fight when I’m ready for it.” Momo grumbled, folding her arms over her chest. “You’re both too scared of my power so you  _ always  _ go for the surprise attack.”

“In our defence Momoring, it’s always a surprise attack with you because you don’t pay attention.” Jeongyeon pointed out, Sana howled with laughter as Momo whined as Jeongyeon continued, unable to fight the cheeky grin. “I could literally tell you ‘I’m about to slap you now’ and you’d  _ still  _ be surprised when I did it, and then say you weren’t listening.”

“I’m bored of this conversation now.” Momo moaned, frowning at Jeongyeon and Sana who were still laughing at her. “Fight me in the ring, see what happens.”

“You’d be a lot more threatening if you weren’t pouting right now.” Sana wheezed in between laughs, laughing even harder when Jeongyeon started poking at Momo’s cheeks and cooing at her.

“Get your grubby hands away from me, Yoo.” Momo hissed, smacking her hand away. “If you wanna fight again let’s go, I’m all rested up.”

“Sana do you wanna join my team?” Jeongyeon turned to face Sana, smiling at her sweetly.

“I feel like that’s a fair 2v1, especially with all that trash talk.” Sana agreed, unable to suppress her snort when Momo started to protest loudly.

“Wait no! That’s absolutely not fair!” Momo shouted in disagreement. “Sana is  _ fully  _ rested, she wasn’t part of the fight earlier so- ”

The sound of someone knocking on the door distracted from the argument, and from the way Momo excitedly jumped off the back of the couch and skipped over to the door it wasn’t difficult to tell who was likely on the other side. Fuck, why hadn’t she text Sana she was coming over?

“Ji baby, they’re bullying me again.” Momo whined, and Sana cringed when inwardly when she heard Jihyo start to coo at her.

“Poor Momo baby~” Jihyo cooed affectionately. Sana heard the door close and the sound of shoes being taken off, and she knew she was  _ fucked.  _

“They’re threatening to team up against me in a fight.” Momo complained, grumbling when Jihyo giggled.

“Well we’ll show em don’t worry.” Jihyo chuckled. “Hey guys.” 

Jihyo rounded the corner and froze when her and Sana locked eyes, clearly she’d thought she’d been someone else and hadn’t expected her to be home. Sana shot her an apologetic look, neither of them were particularly thrilled about this predicament but it wasn’t like either of them had an excuse to leave.

“Hey Jihyo, you joining us tonight then?” Jeongyeon asked, clearly unaware of the inner turmoil both Sana and Jihyo were going through at that moment.

“Yeah, if that’s okay? Momo asked me to come over and I had nothing else better to do so.” Jihyo explained, shooting Sana a subtly pleading stare.

“That’s fine, the more the merrier.” Sana shrugged as nonchalantly as she could manage.

Sana was fucked, well and truly fucked. She didn’t have any reason to not hang out with them, had no excuse to escape off somewhere else as she had already told Momo she was free for today. So it looked like this was going to be her evening, watching TV with her two best friends and her soulmate; in another universe that would be perfect, but in this one that couldn’t be further from the case.

But, then Sana’s phone buzzed in her pocket and it was as if the gods had seen her dilemma and decided to bless her with an out.

“ _ Typical. _ ” Sana muttered, trying to sound as annoyed as she possibly could despite being thrilled. “Yerin just texted me, they need a 4th for their beer pong team tonight.”

“It’s a wednesday night?” Jeongyeon scoffed incredulously, watching Sana unconvinced as she pulled her jacket on and disappeared into her bedroom in search of her makeup bag.

“Don’t ask me, she just said Yuna is sick and now they’re a player short.” Sana called out to them from her room, while she silently rejoiced that she’d been saved and texted Yerin telling her she’d be there in 10. “You know how weirdly serious Sojung and Eunbi get about beer pong tournaments. I’m gonna join them, if that’s alright with you guys?”

“Yeah that’s fine, just don’t expect me to come pick you up if you get too wasted to walk.” Jeongyeon waved her off casually.

“I’ll probably just crash at Sojung’s, because that’ll probably happen.” Sana chuckled, it was hard to miss just how relieved Jihyo looked. It hurt a little bit, but Sana couldn’t pinpoint why. “Don’t wait up nerds.”

She pulled the door closed behind her, the pain behind her eyes hit her once again and Sana hissed as the sharp pain worsened, squeezing her eyes shut in a fruitless attempt to minimise the pain. She’d known it was coming this time, but that didn’t make it any less painful.

Sana opened her eyes slightly, eyes immediately searching for any change in colour around her. It took her a minute before she saw it, the doormat in front of their neighbours door mat wasn’t grey, and shone brightly against it’s grey surroundings.

* * *

It was light green. The 4th colour she saw was light green.

Sana was slumped against the couch in Sojung’s living room, slightly tipsy, as she scrolled through various colour charts on her phone. She remembered hearing about this colour, it was Jeongyeon’s favourite.

The colour light green came with two meanings for 2 different shades, lime green being one of them and the one she most saw in Jeongyeon, was the colour of youthfulness, naivety and playfulness. Much like yellow, it was bright and happy, but it wasn’t as warm as yellow; it was cooler, more like dark blue. Lime green was such an exciting colour, being closely associated with high energy, confidence and nature meaning it was often used to promote feelings of creativity and liveliness. She could see how Jeongyeon loved it so much, it just fit the girl perfectly; for no one was quiet as positive and playful as Jeongyeon.

It was the first colour Sana had discovered that was the product of two colours, it was formed from the combination of yellow and light blue which explained why it reminded Sana so much of the colour yellow. It explained why Jeongyeon and Jihyo were so similar, yet so different. With them both having loud and excitable personalities, both having the ability to improve the mood of a room when they wanted to; but Jihyo was far more rational than Jeongyeon, and Jeongyeon was braver than Jihyo in every sense.

Thus, the irony of the other shade of light green, yellow-green, being the colour of cowardice, conflict and fear was not lost on Sana. Despite being made up of two largely positive colours, yellow and green both representing happiness and so many other wonderful things, yellow-green represented all the negatives of them both.

It was the colour Sana most associated to herself, to her situation with Jihyo and how they were both dealing with it. They were both cowards, driven by their own fear and desperation to keep things how they were; not accepting that they were soulmates, and thus  _ supposed  _ to be together, with one motivation in common: not losing Momo.

Where lime green was bright and happy, yellow-green was the opposite - it was ugly. But if fit them perfectly.

Sana slipped her phone into her pocket when Yerin called her up to the beer pong table, plastering on a fake smile as she silently prayed for a loss - she could really use a drink.

  
  
  
  


Jihyo was everywhere.

It was one thing to communicate when they’d both be at the apartment, discuss who would take turns not attending group hangouts and then orchestrate perfect excuses for why one of them  _ couldn’t  _ attend these group hangouts. For a few weeks this worked fine, they had one slip up when Jihyo came over while Sana was still at the apartment, but that seemed to be it; it seemed that they had a handle things.

For weeks Sana and Jihyo’s text conversations consisted purely of them exchanging their locations, they didn’t lay eyes on each other for weeks and Sana was both relieved and incredibly lonely.

Despite her and Jihyo never really forming much of a connection, they had never been particularly close, Sana couldn’t help but miss her now they weren’t seeing each other at all. Every text message telling her to stay away from the apartment because Jihyo was already there, every time Jihyo would beg her to stay in her room when she accidentally showed up without asking if Sana was already there. It broke her heart a whole lot more than she’d ever admit, knowing how far Jihyo would go to avoid her made her feel so unwanted.

She’d spent so long doing her best to avoid Jihyo, had spent nearly 2 months doing everything in her power to stay away from Jihyo and keep her out of her life, and all she’d felt back then was guilt and relief. But now, with both of them working so hard to avoid each other, Sana felt empty and alone - there was nothing more lonely and heart wrenching than your own  _ soulmate  _ desperately trying to stay away from you.

The universe wanted for them to be together, but Jihyo was desperate to keep them so far apart; and that was what made Sana feel so unloveable and lonely.

But of course, nothing was ever to be as simple as a few texts telling Sana to stay away from the apartment. It’d been so incredible naive of them to assume they could manufacture them not seeing each other, because Jihyo was  _ everywhere _ .

Because, in reality, they shared so much more space than just the apartment - they went to the same university after all. Truly it was a miracle they’d never really run into each other on campus before, a surprise that during those 2 months where Sana was desperate to not see Jihyo she hadn’t accidentally bumped into her somewhere. Because right now, that seemed to be the only thing Sana could do.

The first incident occurred a little under two weeks after their run in at the apartment, they’d survived almost two weeks without seeing each other. Until Jihyo nearly collided with her at the library.

Jihyo had let out a little yelp of surprise as she halted in her tracks, dropping a stack of large text books on music theory as she recoiled away from Sana out of instinct. It didn’t initially hit Sana who it was knelt down in front of her, frantically gathering up all these textbooks until she herself knelt down to help. Jihyo muttered a quiet apology and thanked her for helping, and it was if the glass shattered; her heart sank when she realised it was Jihyo. The pair stared at each other for a moment, before Jihyo let out a quiet whimper and Sana nearly melted at the sound.

“Shit,  _ shit _ , I’ll go.” Sana muttered, scrambling to get away from Jihyo and tripped over her own feet in the process. Thankfully, Jihyo reached out and grabbed her arm before she could fall.

“There’s no point rushing away, Sana.” Jihyo sighed, eyeing Sana tiredly. It was strange how unbothered Jihyo seemed about them bumping into each other, when in the past it had stressed her out greatly. “We’ve already seen each other, you and I both know we’re already fucked and we’re going to see a new colour.”

“Right, so what now?” Sana asked carefully, her heart begged her to be near Jihyo but her brain screamed for her to run. 

“We can always just study together, then we get to tell Momo we hung out today and that’ll make her really happy.” Jihyo explained with a shrug. Of course this was for Momo, it felt as though everything Sana was doing nowadays was for the sake of Momo and Jihyo as a couple and it was really starting to get tiring. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to though. If you’d prefer we can just go our separate ways and pretend we never saw each other.”

“No,” Sana answered far too quickly, internally cringing at how unintentionally desperate she sounded, “you’re right, there’s no point in just running away - we’re already gonna see a colour. Plus, some company would be nice, studying the history of ballet can get really boring.”

“Sounds good to me.” Jihyo nodded happily, momentarily mesmerised by the way Jihyo’s eyes seemed to sparkle. “C’mon, we can sit at my usual table.”

Sana’s breath hitched slightly as Jihyo softly took her hand and lead her through the library. Her mind ran rampant as she internally berated herself for continuing to allow herself to get close to Jihyo, despite knowing this was a dangerous game she was playing and she was risking everything doing this; by continuing to hang out with Jihyo she was risking everyone finding out about them being soulmates. But, Sana couldn’t help but be distracted by how perfectly Jihyo’s hand fit in her own.

“This is where I usually sit, thank god no one’s stolen it today.” Jihyo hummed, letting go of Sana’s hand and taking a seat at the table as Sana just stood still, in shock.

“Wait, this is  _ your  _ table?” Sana asked, a singular eyebrow quirked in surprise and curiosity.

“Yeah, I always sit here.” Jihyo shrugged, setting out her textbooks and getting her notes ready whilst Sana remained rooted to the floor, having not yet moved.

“This is  _ my  _ table.” Sana murmured, no anger evident in her tone - just disbelief. “I’ve always sat at this exact table.”

It really shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was, it wasn’t an obscure phenomenon having two people both favour the same table, even a table as secluded and hidden as this one. But, Sana had always been a big believer in fate and had always said that everything happened for a reason; had always favoured determinism over free will. So this probably meant a whole lot more to Sana than it did to Jihyo, based on the way Jihyo was looking at her as if she had said something crazy.

“I guess I’ll have to fight you for it then.” Jihyo teased. “Why are you just standing there? C’mon, sit down.” Jihyo gestured at the seat opposite her, trying to snap Sana out of her apparent trance. 

“Sorry, was just thinking about something.” Sana mumbled, sheepishly taking the seat opposite Jihyo. “Kind of funny though, that we both favour this table.”

“I know what you’re trying to get at, Sana. It’s just a coincidence it’s not a big deal at all.” Jihyo sighed, brushing her hair out of her face and fixing Sana with a warning look. “Just because we’re ‘soulmates’, or whatever, doesn’t mean every single similarity is down to destiny.”

“I know, I was just saying.” Sana conceded, wincing slightly. “Whatever, let’s talk about something else.”

Sana wracked her brain for a topic of conversation, the silence was uncomfortable and she was desperate to fill it with something. They hadn’t been alone together a lot and it was painfully apparent in that moment.

“What’s your favourite colour so far?” Sana asked, as innocently as she could. Her brain berated her for her question choice, she hadn’t really thought before speaking.

“Is that really a subject change?” Jihyo chuckled, continuing to scribble down notes.

“What? I’m curious.” Sana defended, shrugging when Jihyo shot her a suspicious look. “Fine, I’ll go first. I think red is my favourite colour so far, but I like all of them.”

“Red? I’ve not seen that one yet.” Jihyo hummed thoughtfully. “I’ll take your word for it, though. When did you see it?”

“After our coffee chat. Did you know a lot of road signs are red, like stop signs etcetera.” Sana explained, her heart doing flips when Jihyo smiled at her.

“You’re very welcome then.” Jihyo chuckled. “My favourite colour so far is probably light blue or pink. I saw light blue after I accidentally came over to yours without checking. It’s really pretty, the sky is light blue and it’s so beautiful.”

“I can’t wait to see it, maybe I’ll even see it after today.” Sana smiled at her softly. “Can I ask, why pink then?”

“For someone who can’t see colour, Momo  _ really  _ does wear a lot of pink.” Jihyo replied, a warm smile graced her lips and a faraway look in her eyes; Sana couldn’t help the tinge of jealousy she felt in her chest. “The turtleneck you’re wearing right now is pink, it really suits you.”

“Thank you.” Sana couldn’t help the slight blush that dusted her cheeks at the compliment. “I can’t see what colour your shirt is, unless it is meant to be light grey.”

“It’s a light blue shirt.” Jihyo explained, pulling at the sleeves slightly. “I don’t know, I think the colour really suits me.

“I’m sure it does, so far I bet you’d look great in any colour I saw you in.” Sana reassured her, her heart rate sped up when she saw the shy smile on Jihyo’s lips and how she ducked her head to avoid eye contact.

They fell into silence after that, both of them turning their attention to their respective work, the only sound being the quiet scratch of pen against paper and the turning of pages. But, the silence wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward this time, Sana found an odd comfort in just sitting with Jihyo as they quietly worked. That dull ache in her chest that usually persisted vanished and was replaced with a subtle warmth - she hadn’t felt so calm in a while. She’d never found Jihyo’s presence so calming before, had always found being around her stressful, especially in recent weeks.

But right now, as she watched Jihyo study, her nose crinkled ever so slightly in concentration; Sana had never felt so at peace, a person’s presence had never felt so natural. And, that in itself was unnerving and Sana wished she could go back to being anxious around Jihyo.

“We’ll be halfway done with discovering colours after we part today.” Jihyo commented casually, breaking Sana out of her inner turmoil. “What colour do you think you’ll see next?”

“No idea.” Sana stated neutrally. “There’s so many colours out there, it’s near impossible to nail down one particular colour I think I’ll see next.”

“Okay buzzkill,” Jihyo teased, pointing her pen at Sana as she rolled her eyes at Jihyo, “what colour do you  _ want  _ to see next?”

“Obviously I want to see pink, it’s going to be my favourite colour.” Sana answered thoughtfully, chewing at the end of her pen as she tried to recall all the different colours she could think of. “You made light blue sound amazing, so I hope I see that one next.”

“Likewise, you made red sound pretty cool so I hope I get to see that one next.” Jihyo hummed in agreement. “Fingers crossed whatever we see, it’s really pretty.”

* * *

The 5th colour Sana saw wasn’t pink, nor was it light blue, but it really was beautiful.

Purple was the colour of royalty, symbolising power, luxury and ambition. The meanings truly fit the colour, something about it just felt regal and extravagant. Aspects of the colour reminded her of dark blue, how it didn’t exude the same warmth as red and yellow and it felt powerful and important, but in a different and more subtle way. It was a calming colour, much like dark blue, only it held more energy and wasn’t as cold. Learning it came from the combination of red and blue made perfect sense.

Purple was most often associated with wisdom, sensuality, creativity, magic but also mystery and frustration. It never ceased to surprise Sana just how connected she felt to each new colour she’d see; all the small details within their meanings related so deeply to her feelings and the shitty situation she was in.

For Sana had never been so frustrated in her entire life, no matter how much she tried to play off the whole dilemma as something minor, every second of every day she was thinking about what she was supposed to do. Everyone in her life had always told her that when she met her soulmate they’d fall in love instantly; that nothing else would matter but them being together. Only now, that could not have been further from the truth.

She didn’t love Jihyo, and Jihyo didn’t love her either.

But it was near impossible to ignore the way her heart fluttered when she thought of Jihyo, which was almost 24/7, and how it skipped a beat whenever she saw her of heard her voice. They weren’t in love, they weren’t even close to being in love; but a small part of Sana really thought they could be if they gave it a chance.

Every colour she saw was a reminder of Jihyo and everything she represented, no matter how beautiful and  _ magical  _ they all were, each time she saw a colour that dull ache in her chest returned.. Her fairytale ending slipping away, that if it was possible for her soulmate to not love her despite the universe saying they were perfect for each other, what chance did she have with anyone else?

And now she was to be reminded of that every night, she couldn’t escape it even in the solace of her bedroom. 

Because the walls of her room were painted purple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!  
Follow me on twitter @hasubongi  
Send me CC's, link in pinned, and check out my Mihyo social media AU (also in pinned) if you haven't already!  
Leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed, I'd really appreciate it!  
Thank you, and see you again soon!


	3. ask myself why one too many times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The really selfish part of Sana’s brain wanted Momo and Jihyo to break up so everything could be as it was; but Sana did her best to squash that thought down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, part 2 of chapter 2 is here!! Sorry for the bit of a wait, I got really busy with other stuff.  
This is Un-BETA'd, and I edited it very much distracted by an injured finger and getting ready for uni so I apologise for any mistakes, I did my best to find them all!  
Hope you enjoy!

“Do you ever think you’ll settle down, Nayeon?” Sana wondered aloud between sips of her beer. Nayeon hummed loudly at her question, leaning back on her bar stool as she thought. Nayeon was wearing a red cocktail dress, and all Sana could think about was how perfectly the colour suited her.

It had been a while since Sana and Nayeon had done anything just the two of them, but as the last remaining single pair of their little group, it made sense they’d form a duo of their own. Nayeon was the one who had the idea of them going to a bar for a couple drinks, it was something they had frequently done with Momo before Jihyo came into the picture; at least once a week they would go to bars and Sana would play wingwoman for both Momo and Nayeon. After Momo and Jihyo started talking more, Momo had become less interested in the whole thing, she stopped joining Sana and Nayeon when they went to bars.

Sana had missed this, she missed the days before Jihyo - even now when she _ really _ should be cursing the days when Jihyo wasn’t in her life - she missed when it felt like it was her, Momo and Nayeon against the world. Maybe starting to go to bars with Nayeon again was the right step to getting those days back.

The really selfish part of Sana’s brain wanted Momo and Jihyo to break up so everything could be as it was; but Sana did her best to squash that thought down.

“It’s hard to say really. Right now I’m definitely enjoying being single way too much to ever want to settle down.” Nayeon shrugged, taking a long swig of her beer as if to punctuate her point. “I mean, look at Momo. She was our third musketeer, now we’re lucky if she stays out past midnight. I don’t think I want to become like that just yet.”

“That’s fair enough.” Sana agreed. One day her heart wouldn’t clench at the mention of Momo and Jihyo’s relationship, she was sure of it. “It is totally your fault Momo is a recluse now, you do know that right?” Sana teased, prodding at Nayeon’s shoulder playfully.

“No way, you can’t blame me for that.” Nayeon giggled, pressing a hand to her own chest in protest.

“I absolutely can, and I absolutely will.” Sana defended lightheartedly. “You’re the one that introduced us to Jihyo _ and _gave Momo her phone number. Therefore, I’m totally blaming you.”

“Had I known Jihyo was gonna domesticate her, I would’ve never introduced them.” Nayeon joked, sipping at her beer as Sana laughed. “Can’t believe we lost party girl Momo to her, and so quickly too!”

The tipsy part of Sana’s brain was pleading with her to tell Nayeon all about how Jihyo was her soulmate, that she couldn’t believe Momo got their first and she truly wished she’d been the one to wander off at that party and meet Jihyo first. How it should’ve been _ her _that got introduced to Jihyo, not Momo. That every second of every day she was replaying the first time she saw Jihyo, and hating herself for being so jealous of her for captivating Momo that she hadn’t even tried to talk to her. Because she knew that if they had, they could’ve been the ones to hit it off and fall in love - like they were supposed to.

All she wanted to do was cry into Nayeon’s shoulder as she rambled about how Jihyo was her soulmate but Momo was the one Jihyo wanted, not her; wail about how much it hurt and how keeping the secret was killing her.

But she couldn’t.

“Do you really mean that?” Sana asked quietly, not trusting her voice to not break if she spoke any louder.

“No, I’m just kidding.” Nayeon chuckled, shaking her head lightly. “Jihyo is at her happiest when she’s with Momo, I could never wish that away no matter how much I miss party girl Momo - she’s like a little sister to me.”

“Right of course, Momo definitely seems happier with Jihyo too.” Sana nodded softly, chugging the rest of her beer and signalling for another. “Anyway, enough of this sappy talk, I’m here to wingwoman you just like all times. Got your eye on anyone?”

“I think I saw Sorn, so I’m probably just gonna go back with her like normal.” Nayeon shrugged, before turning her full attention to Sana. “Hey, why don’t I wingwoman you for once?”

“Because you know I’m not looking to date.” Sana rolled her eyes at Nayeon, as if it was obvious.

“I’m not looking to date either, getting laid and looking for a girlfriend are two very different things.” Nayeon explained, gesturing at a very pretty brunette that was watching them. “I know for a fact it’s been way too long since you last had sex.”

“I’ve never had sex, Nayeon.” Sana grumbled, taking a swig of her beer. “I’m waiting for my soulmate.”

“Exactly, and we really need to change that.” Nayeon corrected teasingly, laughing when Sana rolled her eyes at her. “C’mon, I can promise you your soulmate has probably already had sex. It’s really not a big deal, Sana.”

“Not tonight Nayeon.” Sana shook her head more firmly, shooting Nayeon a look to show her how serious she was. Nayeon pouted at her but conceded regardless. “Now c’mon, let’s go find Sorn.”

  
  
  
  


The lead up to finals meant one thing, Sana spent more time hold up in her room or the library doing anything _ but _sleeping and socialising. It was a terrible habit she always got into, especially seeing as she still had around 3 weeks until finals started - more than enough time to study. Momo and Jeongyeon would scold her each morning when she trudged into the kitchen, having only gotten a few hours of sleep, with bags under her eyes and her brain struggling to process anything. It was a terrible routine, but it hadn’t been a deliberate one.

Jihyo was getting more and more careless, she stopped giving Sana warnings for when she was planning to stop by their apartment meaning Sana would often be left trapped in her room until Jihyo, and more often than not Momo as well, finally left the apartment. She was left spending hours upon hours trapped in her bedroom, and with finals slowly approaching it had just made sense for her to do some school work.

Studying acted as a distraction, stopped her from dwelling on the fact Jihyo was only visiting their apartment to see Momo, never her. It was a gut wrenching reality that stopped Sana from sleeping at night. It had been over 4 weeks since the party, she’d had a soulmate for over 4 weeks and she was still no closer to her happy ending; what made it infinitely worse was that she had no way of getting her happy ending without losing her best friend in the process.

It had been the longest 4 weeks of Sana’s life, she felt like everything was slowly slipping away from her because she had no idea what she was supposed to do. Every article, every book, every podcast had told her that when you met your soulmate you were supposed to drop everything for them; and yet she remained sat at her desk, scribbling down notes on the themes in Of Mice and Men, whilst Momo was out fucking _ her _ soulmate.

The bitterness came slowly but surely, at first it was channeled as anger towards the universe and Jihyo. Initially, Sana was only mad about the fact her soulmate was Momo’s, furious at the universe for dealing her the shittiest hand in the universe; she stayed up late at night sobbing into her pillow as she cursed the gods for putting her in this situation.

But now she was starting to get angry at Momo, and _ that _was really harrowing.

Momo was like a sister to her, she loved her with her entire heart and she wanted nothing but the best for her. But, recently, all it took was Jihyo’s name passing Momo’s lips, or even just an implication, and Sana was silently seething to herself; cursing out her best friend for stealing Jihyo from her. It was uncontrollable, if she could make the anger go away she would in a heartbeat, but she couldn’t stop it. The thought of Sana resenting her best friend to the point of her not wanting to be around Momo anymore was terrifying.

Sana didn’t want it to get to the point where she hated Momo as much as she hated herself.

It was past 2am, and Sana was nearly an hour into a 2 hour documentary on the history of contemporary dance, and she was losing her mind. To say the documentary was dull would be an understatement, but the information in it was vital and she’d been assured by their teacher the topic _ would _be on the final, so she powered through and did her best to make notes.

She was really struggling to stay awake, but she was determined to at least finish the video before she went to bed. Her brain protested furiously, the caffeine from her last coffee had long worn off and Sana was running on fumes at that point.

Her purple walls were starting to get to her again, the yellow leotard the dancer in the video was wearing was making her chest constrict and Sana’s mind was starting to race.

It was definitely time for a break, she needed fresh air before her lungs collapsed.

Sana threw a hoodie over her pajama top, not even bothering to change out of her pajama pants as she slipped her trainers on, grabbed her keys and slipped out of the apartment as quietly as she could.

The cool autumn air pricked at her skin as she walked briskly through the streets, she allowed herself to be mesmerised by the street lights that illuminated the pavement beneath her feet. It was just a short trip to 7/11 to grab some snacks, and then back to the apartment to finish her work.

The door beeped as she traipsed through, shooting an awkward smile to the tired cashier leant against the counter as she quickly made her way over to the snack aisle. This was far from her first late night trip to 7/11, and it was likely equally far from her last as well, she knew exactly what snacks she was getting and thus exactly how much it would cost. 

Since she found her soulmate, since colours started to crop up, coming to 7/11 was more magical and depressing than ever before. The shelves were illuminated with bright colours, red and purple being surprisingly prevalent, and each time so far for every new colour she’d taken a trip there the next day to see if any of her favourite snacks had a colour.

Sana rounded the corner and was met with the back of someone’s head, she halted quickly to avoid collision and held her breath as the other person turned around. 

“Sana?” Jihyo gasped in disbelief and Sana really wanted the earth to swallow her whole in that moment, her heart sank as she watched as Jihyo’s wide eyes studied her carefully. “What the fuck are you doing here at half 2 in the morning?”

“I could be asking you the same question.” Sana grumbled, gesturing weakly at the packets of Reese’s Pieces Jihyo was standing in the way of. “I was studying and I ran out of snacks, why are you here?”

“Same reason as you.” Jihyo shrugged, handing Sana a packet of Reese’s Pieces and grabbing one for herself. “I have an essay due at 11am, and I started it like 3 hours ago, needed some sugar for some quick energy.”

“We keep running into each other, no matter how hard we try to meticulously plan everything so we don’t see each other,” Sana sighed tiredly, fiddling with the candy packet in her hands, “it’s like you’re everywhere all of a sudden.”

“It’s just coincidences, stop trying to hint at this being some destiny bullshit.” Jihyo was quick to interject.

“I was gonna say it’s really fucking annoying, but I guess that works too.” Sana muttered frustratedly, rolling her eyes at Jihyo.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so defensive about all this.” Jihyo murmured, scratching at the back of her neck awkwardly. “I guess this whole thing still hasn’t really sunk in.”

“That’s because you’re blatantly avoiding it, Jihyo.” Sana pointed out, moving passed Jihyo to get the rest of her snacks. “You can’t avoid the fact that we’re soulmates forever, it’s not going to work.”

“I know.” Jihyo whispered sadly, she smiled at Sana sadly, her eyes seemingly empty and devoid of emotion. “I know I need to face up to it someday but I’m so scared.”

“It hasn’t really sunk in for me either if that helps at all.” Sana sighed tiredly, rubbing at her eyes as she yawned.

“You should really get more sleep Sana, Momo is really worried about you. She talks about how you’re not taking care of yourself a lot and, to be honest, I’m worried too.” Jihyo advised her gently, she was eyeing Sana so carefully and honestly - it was making her hurt.

“How do you feel when Momo talks about me? Do you feel as shitty as I feel when Momo talks about you?” Sana snapped, she wasn’t sure why she was lashing out but something within her just cracked and she couldn’t stop herself from jumping down Jihyo’s throat.

The way Jihyo immediately retreated, her eyes wide in fear and confusion, made Sana want to cry out of exhaustion and guilt; Jihyo looked genuinely scared of her, she never wanted that. For some reason, knowing Jihyo cared about her _ hurt _.

Sana sighed, she was tired and her patience was running thin; the last thing she wanted was to yell at Jihyo in the snack aisle of a 7/11. Now wasn’t the best time for this conversation. No matter how desperately Sana wanted to beg Jihyo to face up to the reality of their situation and stop trying to ignore it; it was a delicate topic that had to be discussed when it wasn’t almost 3am, when both they weren’t exhausted.

“Now isn’t the right time for this conversation, Jihyo.” Sana replied quietly, she smiled at her as reassuringly as she could manage. “But, we do need to talk. Clearly what we decided over coffee isn’t gonna cut it anymore.”

“Right, yeah, you’re right.” Jihyo nodded, pulling various packets of sweets off the shelf hurriedly. “I should go, I need to finish that essay.”

“I should get going too, but I’m glad we had this talk.” Sana agreed, grabbing a few more packets of sweets herself, and a yoghurt drink, and following Jihyo to the counter. 

“It’s fine, I’ve got this.” Sana interjected before Jihyo could pay for her snacks, dumping her own haul on the counter as well. “Think of it as me paying you back for coffee, I’m not _ that _poor a sophomore.” Sana joked, relishing in the quiet giggle that slipped past Jihyo’s lips.

“Thank you, Sana.” Jihyo hummed happily, shoving her snacks into a shopping bag she pulled from her pocket. 

Jihyo paused for a moment, almost as if she was hesitating, before pulling Sana into a warm hug. It was brief, barely giving Sana enough time to realise what was happening before Jihyo was pulling away, her cheeks dusted a light red to perfectly match Sana’s own blush, but it was long enough for sparks to shoot up Sana’s limbs. It was a strange feeling, they were no longer in embrace, but Sana could still feel the light electricity tingling throughout her extremities.

“It was really nice to see you.” Jihyo affirmed quietly, almost shyly. “It’s always nice to see you.”

“Thank you, it was nice to see you too.” Sana agreed, her voice barely above a whisper as she watched Jihyo leave.

The pain behind her eyes hit her the second Jihyo left her sights again, Sana hissed and massaged her fingers against her temples. This was the 6th time she’d had to go through this, and yet the pain never seemed to get any better.

Sana opened her eyes slowly and cautiously, the cashier hadn’t even noticed what had just happened. Her eyes scanned the store frantically, trying to isolate the new colour; it wasn’t until she looked down at the snacks in her hands that she noticed what was different. Her Reese’s Pieces weren’t grey.

  
  
  


The colour was orange, the sixth colour Sana saw was orange.

As Sana rushed home, excited to find out about this new colour she was awestruck by how the streetlights shone differently in this new colour. The lights were warmer now, they made Sana feel more safe and relaxed as she practically skipped home.

Orange was a perfect mix of red and yellow, bringing together all the best things of each colour. It combined the happiness of yellow with the energy of red to produce this warmth and content Sana wasn’t sure she’d seen in a colour yet. It was hot like red, but without the same level of intensity, the perfect temperature. It was beautiful, every time she discovered a new colour, Sana was sure it’d be her new favourite; but there was something about orange that felt off.

The colour reminded her of Jihyo, more than most of the other colours she’d seen but not quite as much as yellow. There was just something about it that made her think of Jihyo, perhaps it was the warmth and freshness of the colour, the way it just stood out so clearly amongst the other colours and greys surrounding her. Sana was never going to be able to eat a Reese's Pieces again

It represented enthusiasm, rejuvenation, vitality and courage; she kept seeing all these happy colours and they just didn’t fit her, none of them felt right at all. Orange was supposed to be the combination of all of red and yellows good traits, but all Sana could see was the negative ones.

She hated this. Hated how discovering new colours was supposed to be a joyous and exciting part of meeting your soulmate, but Sana could only feel more miserable with each new colour that cropped up; every colour reminded her of Jihyo and how she wanted nothing to do with her if she could manage it.

Sana wondered if Jihyo felt the same way, if she felt that pang of dread every time she saw a colour shine through the grey like she did. No matter how hard she tried to be excited by the colours, no matter how desperately Sana wanted to love them - she couldn’t.

The colour orange was supposedly used to symbolise strength and endurance, the painful irony struck her like a ton of bricks. Sana was quickly running out of energy, she’d never even fought for Jihyo and she was already surrendering the fight.

  
  


Sana slumped down in the seat opposite Mina, the whole situation felt oddly similar to the position they’d been in just over a month ago, before the Halloween party. Mina looked effortlessly elegant as usual, even with no makeup on and a casual outfit, whilst Sana looked as though she hadn’t slept in years; she definitely felt like she hadn’t. Over the past week she’d been averaging around 3 hours of sleep a night and living off of caffeine and ramen, a very stereotypical student routine, but of course Mina would never let her use that excuse.

“No offence Sana, but you look like shit.” Mina commented casually, raising an eyebrow at her disapprovingly as she sipped her coffee.

“Well, thank you for sugar coating it.” Sana grumbled sarcastically, not even bothering to try and defend herself.

“I could’ve said a lot worse.” Mina shrugged. “You need to take better care of yourself Sana.”

“When I have enough time, and I’m not busy studying for finals, maybe I’ll try some of that self-care.” Sana joked.

“You make jokes now, Sana, but I’m genuinely worried about your health if you keep this up.” Mina pressed, her tone serious and her eyes were anxious. “You need to stop being so stubborn, it wouldn’t hurt you to get some more sleep.”

“I know, I just have a lot on my mind at the moment.” Sana admitted tiredly, she gulped at her coffee, ignoring how it scalded her tongue. “When finals are over I’ll have less to worry about, then I’ll work at bettering myself I promise.”

“You better, I will be enlisting Jeong to keep an eye on you.” Mina warned.

“Noooo not Jeong, please I swear I’ll behave.” Sana pleaded dramatically, pouting desperately at Mina as the girl just watched her unamused.

“If you stop showing up to our coffee mornings looking like death, then she won’t have to keep watch and make sure you’re sleeping.” Mina pointed out casually. “This is for your own good.”

“I’m not a child, I can take care of myself.” Sana huffed, rolling her eyes frustratedly and crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” Mina scoffed. “You can be mad now, but you’ll be thanking me later when you no longer feel like shit.”

“You’re really trying to make an enemy of ‘no sleep Sana’, aren’t you?” Sana teased, relaxing when Mina laughed and shook her head at her.

“That’s the goal, maybe then she’ll stop pestering me.” Mina quipped in return, giggling when Sana gasped loudly. “Stop being so melodramatic, you know I’m only teasing.”

“You’re so cruel Miguri, sometimes I forget why we’re friends.” Sana continued sarcastically, teasing grin painting her lips.

“Because I’m the only person who can give you good dirt on Jeongyeon.” Mina replied easily, as if it was the obvious reason, trying to keep a straight face.

“You make an excellent point.” Sana concurred with a chuckle. Mina was smiling at her warmly, but it didn’t match her eyes; her gaze was sympathetic and concerned and Sana knew what was coming next.

“Do you want to talk about what else is on your mind, Sana?” Mina asked attentively.

Sana paused for a moment, there was a lot on her mind all the time that she was desperate to talk about, and Mina was the person she’d usually go to with problems. However, she knew if Jihyo found out she’d told Mina _ anything _about what was going on she’d likely freak out; and Sana really didn’t want to put her under any more stress.

There was always the option of being ambiguous with her issues, skirt around the real problem by using a fake one to get advice; or even just tell Mina what was going on but not name Jihyo as her soulmate. But, Mina wasn’t stupid, and the risk of Mina finding out what was going on was too great. So, the only real option was to lie.

“Don’t worry about it Mina, it’s just random stuff you don’t need to worry about.” Sana reassured her, smiling as convincingly as she could manage. “Sometimes it’s just little stuff piling on.”

“Well, just remember you can tell me anything, Sana.” Mina smiled at her, she still looked worried, not that Sana could blame her, but slightly more content than before. “How are you coping with Momo and Jihyo?”

“I don’t know why you insist on asking me about this _ everytime _we meet up.” Sana grumbled, rolling her eyes. “We’re fine, Jihyo seems lovely, and she makes Momo happy, so I can’t complain.”

“Never thought I’d see the day where you willingly complimented Jihyo.” Mina teased with a giggle. “So you’re no longer frustrated with them dating despite not being soulmates?”

All the air left Sana’s lungs as a lump formed in her throat, she hated talking about this because she hated lying to Mina. It would be so easy to tell her she disapproved of them dating because Jihyo was her soulmate, not Momo’s, instead of having to pretend she was that unreasonable a person. That dull ache in her chest was worsening the more she thought about it, she just wanted to change the subject and move on; wanted Jihyo out of her head.

“I was never frustrated, just don’t really get it.” Sana explained tiredly, sighing as she brushed her hair out of her face. “I’ll never get it, but Momo is my best friend, and I love her, so whatever makes her happy is fine with me.”

“I’m glad to hear that, not to be condescending, but I’m genuinely happy you can put your qualms behind you.” Mina spoke with genuine relief, but Sana was exhausted of the conversation already.

“Yeah, yeah. I am an adult Mina, I’m not that immature.” Sana replied, tone half joking and half serious. “Anyway, moving on, you’ll never guess who I ran into the other day.”

  
  


It had been a really difficult month to say the least, and it showed no signs of getting any better. November had dragged, every second felt like an hour and every hour a day, and each second was painful. 

The worst part was that she couldn’t even talk to anyone about what was going on, she’d been sworn to secrecy by Jihyo meaning she couldn’t seek advice from anyone; not even Mina. Jihyo hadn’t texted her since their meeting at 7/11, she’d heard nothing from the girl, and when she inquired with Momo about it, she’d just said Jihyo was busy studying for finals. Momo was spending a lot of time at Jihyo’s dorm, it was like Sana was losing her best friend again only this time it was almost as if she didn’t even _ care _. She’d get a quick text from Momo telling her she was at Jihyo’s and that she’d be staying the night and Sana wouldn’t feel that same pinch of jealousy like she had before.

It was different now, because it wasn’t a ‘pinch of jealousy’, it felt more like she was going to choke on the bile that rose in her throat at the simple mention of Jihyo’s name. Her feelings towards Jihyo as a person were pretty indifferent, which is what made her involuntarily jealousy even worse - she didn’t want Jihyo, she was adamant about that, she just wanted a soulmate who wanted her too. Hearing Momo talk about Jihyo so lovingly and happily was a constant reminder she didn’t have that.

But Sana finally had a peaceful weekend to herself, one she’d been silently craving for months now. Momo was out with Nayeon on a 3 day long bender, attending various house parties like they had during the days before Jihyo; for Jihyo was back home for the weekend for her younger sisters birthday. They had extended the offer to Sana as well, but she really needed the time alone - plus she really didn’t feel like drinking lately.

Jeongyeon was visiting home, alongside Mina, for her parents' wedding anniversary, she’d spent the entire week before she left complaining about how overly extravagant these events always were whilst Mina just sighed and told her she was being overdramatic.

Sana was alone in the apartment for an extended period of time for the first time in a while, but she felt no more lonely than she did normally.

The silence that filled the apartment was near deafening, and for once she didn’t feel as though it was about to swallow her whole; for once she enjoyed the piercing sound of nothing, because for 3 whole days her mind didn’t need to be on what Momo and Jihyo were doing, she needn’t worry about what her best friend was doing with her soulmate because she knew they were apart. The thought process was near psychotic and far from healthy, but Sana couldn’t find it in her to care.

It was Sunday night, and Sana should’ve been studying for finals as they were due to start in a week, but she felt like treating herself instead. So she sat on their couch, a warm blanket wrapped around her shoulders as she ate cereal and watched cartoons. The activity itself was far from exciting, it was something she regularly did, especially on weekend nights when she was hungry but didn’t want to cook. Only this time, she didn’t have Momo lying in her lap like a puppy begging for food or Jeongyeon complaining about whatever cartoons she’d chosen to watch.

This time she got to eat the whole bowl of cereal to herself, without anyone whining at her for not sharing, and no one was there to complain about what cartoons she was watching. It was strange, and she honestly wasn’t sure which she preferred.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket, a snapchat from Momo. Sana smiled to herself as she opened the image, it was the same sort of picture everytime Momo and Nayeon went out without her: Nayeon making out with someone in a dingy bar with the caption “wish you were here :(“ and it never failed to make her laugh; mostly because she knew that she would nearly always get a picture of Momo passed out somewhere random later in the night, from Nayeon, in retaliation.

Sana was midway through typing out her reply when there was a knock at the door, she frowned to herself as she tried to think who it could be. There was no way it was Momo or Nayeon, she hadn’t ordered any food and she was pretty confident Jeongyeon had said she and Mina weren’t going to be back until tomorrow afternoon. Sana was about to ignore it, under the assumption it likely wasn’t important, when they knocked again - much louder and more insistent than before.

Sana groaned and stood up from the sofa, shedding the blanket she’d had wrapped over her shoulders and let it fall to the floor before trudging over to the front door. It was way too late for people to be knocking on their front door, she swung it open ready to tell them to fuck off but the words were caught in her throat when she saw who was behind the door.

Jihyo had always been short, it was something Jeongyeon and Nayeon would constantly tease her for and something Momo would coo at her, frequently complimenting Jihyo for being ‘so cute and tiny’ despite not being much taller than her. It had never been a secret Jihyo was small, but Sana had first been made truly aware of it when they’d gone for coffee - she’d never seen a person look that tiny before. Until she opened the door and saw Jihyo behind it.

The whole scene felt like something out of a romance movie, she opens the door late at night to find her soulmate behind it, soaked from the rain and ready to profess her love to her. Only this wasn’t a movie, Jihyo wasn’t there to profess her love to Sana and her face was wet with tears not rain water.

“Is Momo here?” Jihyo inquired, her voice weak and hoarse from crying as she stumbled over the three simple words.

“No she’s out with Nayeon, she won’t be back until tomorrow morning.” Sana answered apologetically, her heart aching as she watched fresh tears roll over Jihyo’s cheeks. “I can call her if you want? She’s really drunk right now but I can if you want me to.”

“No, don’t bother her it’s fine, it’s just- ” Jihyo tried to speak, but she was stumbling over her words too much and just broke out into uncontrollable sobs as her entire body shook. She buried her face into her hands as she sobbed, Sana wasn’t sure she’d ever seen someone look so small and defenceless in her entire life.

“You look freezing, come inside I’ll make you some hot chocolate if you want?” Sana offered, placing a comforting hand on Jihyo’s shoulder and squeezing it gently. Jihyo nodded silently, her sobs not ceasing as Sana gently lead her into the apartment.

This wasn’t the first time she’d seen Jihyo cry, but this time everything felt so different. As she carefully sat Jihyo down on the couch, the girl immediately curling up into a ball and continuing to just cry her eyes out, Sana had the most overwhelming urge to protect her and fix everything. Whereas before she’d felt so lost of what to do, now Sana was listing all the different things she could do to make Jihyo feel better; for each sob that wracked Jihyo’s body broke Sana’s heart more and more.

She wrapped Jihyo in her blanket, pressing a delicate kiss to the crown of her head, before walking into the kitchen to make her some hot chocolate. It was only then that she realised it had been a good year since she’d last made any, and she wasn’t even certain they had any hot chocolate powder. After rummaging through all of her cupboards for what felt like ages, she finally found some cocoa powder.

Jihyo seemed to have stopped momentarily stopped crying by the time Sana was finished in the kitchen, she was just staring at the TV emotionlessly - it appeared to be somewhat of an improvement but it didn’t feel like it. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying for so long, still wet tear tracks soaked her cheeks; it made her look younger somehow. Sana carefully set the mug of hot chocolate on the coffee table opposite Jihyo and perched on the edge of the sofa carefully, she wanted to say something but she wasn’t sure what.

“I didn’t know you liked ‘We Bare Bears’” Jihyo noted quietly, the subtle shake of her voice ever present. “My younger sisters really like it too.”

“It was just kind of background noise.” Sana justified shyly, Jihyo just chuckled as she reached for the mug of hot chocolate. “I wasn’t really watching it.”

“I don’t know why you’re embarrassed, Sana.” Jihyo muttered, sipping the hot chocolate and sinking back into the sofa. “It’s a good show, you’re allowed to watch it. I used to watch it with my sisters all the time after school.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I lied to be honest. I guess you just make me nervous.” Sana conceded easily, she watched Jihyo carefully as the girl slowly drank from her mug. She looked infinitely tiny and defenceless as the blanket wrapped around her perfectly. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“I don’t know what to say.” Jihyo muttered defeatedly, bringing the mug away from her lips to rest in her lap. “That’s a lie, I know what to say. It’s just… a lot I guess.”

“I’m all ears if you just want to rant, we’ve got all the time in the world.” Sana smiled comfortingly at Jihyo. But, the way Jihyo bit her lip anxiously as her eyes shook and her demeanor faulted, made Sana lose her nerve. “Wait, it’s not about me is it?”

“No, well, not entirely.” Jihyo tried to explain, Sana saw the tears start to well up in Jihyo’s eyes again and instinctively reached out to hold her hand. “I just had probably the worst weekend of my life, and I guess I just needed Momo to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.”

All it took was a singular fresh tear to roll over her cheek before the dam was broken and Jihyo was fully breaking down. Sana carefully extracted the mug of hot chocolate from Jihyo’s grasp and set it on the table, before moving to envelope Jihyo in a hug. The angle was awkward, the way Jihyo had initially folded in on herself made it difficult for Sana to properly hold her, but as Jihyo’s body shook with her sobs, Sana really couldn’t give less of a shit that Jihyo’s shoulder was pressed against her ribs uncomfortably.

She’d never seen someone this broken before, and she’d never expected that person to be Jihyo. With everything they’d been through, everything they were still trying to navigate around, Sana never thought they’d get here; with Jihyo sobbing into her chest as Sana tried to fight back her own tears. Her whole life Sana had prided herself on her ability to comfort people, had so often acted as a shoulder for someone else to cry on and given advice where necessary; but she’d never been so heartbroken over someone else being in pain.

Her and Jihyo had never been close, even before the whole mess they were currently in, Sana would’ve never called Jihyo her friend. Now, in that moment with the girl wetting her shirt with her tears, all Sana could think was that she’d sooner die than see her like this again.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Jihyo.” Sana whispered quietly, pulling Jihyo more securely against her until she was practically in her lap. She could feel Jihyo shaking her head against her chest.

“No it’s not, nothing's ever going to be okay again.” Jihyo hiccuped, her voice hoarse as she struggled to get the words out. She clawed at Sana’s back, trying to grab at _ something _, as her body was wracked with sobs that were near screams, her face now buried into Sana’s shoulder, soaking her shirt.

Sana could do nothing but nod solemnly, press a chaste kiss to the side of Jihyo’s head and rub soothing circles down Jihyo’s back; crying to herself silently as she waited patiently for Jihyo to calm down again. Her entire body was alive with electricity as Jihyo pressed against her, but it didn’t matter, and Sana barely noticed.

_ “You’re loved, you’re okay” _Sana chanted like a mantra, her voice cracking with every word as her heart broke.

  
  


It took around half an hour for Jihyo to stop crying, by which point the girl was exhausted and unable to speak; any word that tried to pass her lips was released as a hiccup followed by a sharp intake of breath. Sana hushed her gently, turned off the TV and delicately stroked her back in an attempt to lull her into sleep. Jihyo didn’t tell her why she’d shown up at their door, near midnight, crying. But, she didn’t need to, because Sana had a strange inkling she knew why. 

Jihyo fell asleep on her lap, face resting against her neck the whole night. Sana barely slept at all, the position they were in was uncomfortable and she was afraid to readjust in case she accidentally woke Jihyo from her slumber. The position they were in was far from ideal, and Sana couldn’t help but wonder if Jihyo would prefer to be lying down on the sofa or in Momo’s bed. But, she fell asleep so quickly, so easily, and Sana was fine with whatever as long as Jihyo was resting.

Everything about the situation was foreign, for two people who had never gotten along and had spent so much time and effort on trying to avoid each other, having Jihyo so close to her felt so natural. It was abnormal and almost alarming how unbothered Sana was to have the girl she’d spent so long wanted to hate finding comfort in her, so relaxed curled up in her lap; it was almost worrying how little she cared that she’d been rendered immobile by the girl who would do anything to avoid her.

The sound of Jihyo’s muffled breathing was all that could be heard throughout the otherwise silent apartment, and Sana found it oddly therapeutic; almost enough to put her to sleep herself. It was a stark contrast to how loud Jihyo had been crying only an hour ago, how she’d screamed with so much anguish as she wept, but it still made Sana’s heart ache all the same.

There was something oddly painful about knowing how well Jihyo fit against her, how warm she was in her lap with her cool breath against her neck, because now Sana knew it’d be something she’d never be able to get out of her mind. Jihyo felt so small and vulnerable, and all of her instincts told her to hold her close and never let her go.

But that was never an option, because when Momo stumbled in that morning, and found them in that position still, Sana had to watch and pretend she was relieved to have Jihyo lifted out of her lap and carried into Momo’s room. Had to pretend her heart wasn’t shattered by the crushing reality that she’d just been a placeholder until Momo eventually came home. Had to lie and tell Momo she was thankful Momo had come and stolen Jihyo from her, once again, when all she wanted was the ability to hold Jihyo forever. Had to swallow the pain that followed when Momo thanked her for looking after Jihyo for _ her, _ she had to pretend she’d looked after Jihyo _ for Momo. _

The pain that erupted in her skull when Momo shut her bedroom door behind her was nothing compared to the pain that bloomed in her chest as she was made to realise she’d never truly have her soulmate, she was always going to be second best.

Why did she even care this much? It wasn’t like she had any feelings for Jihyo.

  
  
  


The seventh colour Sana saw was light blue.

She knew what the colour was even before she looked it up online, because all she had to do was look outside and see the morning sky was no longer grey for her to know. Jihyo was right, it truly was beautiful.

Looking at the meaning of new colours had become somewhat of a tradition, it was something she’d always said she’d do when she met her soulmate, but her heart still ached that morning. Sana had no motivation to look at all the great qualities the colour had, all the positive things it symbolised, because all she could associate it with was Jihyo, sat in her lap, sobbing at gone midnight whilst We Bare Bears played quietly in the background.

Perhaps she was becoming too pessimistic, she was losing her hopes and dreams and it was finally starting to sink in. But, at least she could still hold on to some traditions and hopes she’d had when she was younger.

Sana sat in front of her laptop, staring blankly at the screen, as she skim read some webpage about the different meanings of different shades of the colour blue. None of it really mattered, because none of it resonated anymore. She was struggling to find meaning in the colours.

Light blue was often associated with healing and fidelity, and Sana could only hope for both.

  
  
  
  


Finals were finally over, the week of hell had officially finished and Sana really should be excited. The end of finals made way for a weekend of freedom and parties as people celebrated surviving the exams, it was the weekend Nayeon had been excitedly telling them about for well over a month now, having even made an itinerary for them. Sana was pretty sure Nayeon had put more work into planning what they’d do post finals than studying. However, Sana was far from excited.

The lead up to finals week, and then finals week itself, had acted as the perfect distraction from everything going on in her life. The second she had started to dwell on how bleak her love life was, Sana would throw herself into studying something that required her full attention and her mind was no longer plagued with those agonizing thoughts. Finals were over, Sana was losing her distraction. That was the last thing she needed right now.

Sleep had been avoided as much as possible, favouring watching endless documentaries about classic authors, and calling it revision, instead of getting enough rest. Jihyo had truly invaded her dreams and it was becoming a problem. Ever since Jihyo had turned up at Sana’s door, ever since Sana had held her as she had sobbed, Jihyo was all Sana could dream of. It had been nearly 2 weeks since that night, 2 weeks of little to no sleep and Sana could feel her body screaming in protest every night she spent sat at her desk, eyes fixed on her laptop screen as she counted every colour that cropped up.

It was almost as if the universe was trying to make up for Jihyo’s absence in her real life by forcing her into her dreams instead; but Sana wished she didn’t have to see her anywhere.

Everything would’ve been so much easier if she and Jihyo didn’t have that strange chemistry that meant they could just fall into conversations so easily. If only they’d been so vastly different that all interactions were stilted and awkward, then Sana could’ve had a chance of believing in love beyond soulmates.

She wanted nothing more than to move on from the idea of soulmates and find someone else, but her heart just wasn’t in it.

The end of finals also meant christmas break, and Sana was painfully anxious about having to face her parents. She had no idea what to tell them, whether it would be wise to tell them about Jihyo and what was going on with them. Sana was near certain that’d just make things more complicated, but then another part of her just wanted to fall into their embrace and cry as she told them all about her dilemma.

Christmas was going to be strange this year.

But, at least she had New Years to look forward to. It was going to be her first time spending New Year’s Day in Korea, because this was the first time she had somewhere to be, people to be around. Nayeon had been meticulously planning the perfect party for well over 4 weeks, it was absurd just how much thought she was putting into it.

It was going to be the first real houseparty she’d been to since Halloween, Sana could only hope this one didn’t end with heartbreak again.

  
  
  
  


“This is exactly why you weren’t on my party planning committee, Yoo Jeongyeon.” Nayeon hissed, smacking the girl upside the head as Jeongyeon just giggled mischievously. “What kind of moron spend’s 70,000 won on pool inflatables at a New Year’s party?”

“A genius like me.” Jeongyeon jeered, sticking her tongue out at Nayeon. “It’s a great use of money, they’ll be great fun!”

“We don’t have a pool!” Nayeon countered frustratedly, waving her hands at Jeongyeon exasperatedly.

“You don’t need a pool for them to be fun.” Jeongyeon shrugged indifferently.

“Remind me, why did I let you help?” Nayeon groaned. “You’ve caused me so much pain and you’ve only done _ one _thing.”

“Because you needed someone who can see in colour.” Jeongyeon reminded her smugly. “It’s not like Sana can see in colour.”

Sana flinched slightly, trying not to give away that she was anxious, as Nayeon and Jeongyeon continued to argue next to her.

“Yeah, but I could’ve just got Mina to help me.” Nayeon pointed out, glaring at Jeongyeon angrily. “Mina would’ve never spent 70,000 won on fucking pool inflatables.”

“Listen, be angry all you want now, people _ will _ use them, they’ll be the talk of the whole party!” Jeongyeon reasoned nonchalantly.

“I’m gonna take those fucking inflatables, shove ‘em so far up your- ”

“Okay! I think it’s time to move on now!” Sana interrupted quickly before Nayeon could finish her sentence, extending her arms between the pair of them, just in case either one tried anything - wouldn’t be the first time. “What’s done is done, not a whole lot we can do now to remedy it. Maybe we just make your living room into a tropical theme, or something to that effect?”

“See? Genius idea. You’re welcome Nayeon.” Jeongyeon bragged self-righteously, folding her arms over her chest and smirking at a seething Nayeon.

“You’re so lucky Sana is here, or I would’ve killed you.” Nayeon scowled, before turning to Sana fully and smiling sweetly. “I actually really like that idea, have my house more of a tropical beach theme, and Jihyo’s totally different.”

“If we get some cheap sun loungers, beach balls and stuff like that we can totally do a beach theme.” Sana smiled triumphantly, pulling out her phone to look for more ideas. “Look we can put snacks and shit in little buckets.”

“You can buy huge bags of sand at Home Depot.” Jeongyeon added cheerily.

“One more word out of you and you’re off the party planning committee.” Nayeon warned her sternly, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

“I was forced to join the party planning committee, see if I care.” Jeongyeon fired back. “And this is hardly a ‘committee’, it’s three people sat at our dining table arguing. This literally happens nearly every night at our apartment.”

“I’m going to tell Mina you’re bullying me.” Nayeon huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and slouching in her chair. “She’ll have my back.”

“Please, as _ if _Mina has any control over me.” Jeongyeon scoffed, before smirking at Nayeon devilishly. “Unless no-one’s home, then she has lots of control over me when we- ”

“You’re _ disgusting _, Yoo Jeongyeon.” Nayeon interjected with a loud shout, smacking at Jeongyeon’s arms aggressively as the girl giggled evilly.

Sana sighed and leant back in her chair, massaging her temples as she watched Jeongyeon and Nayeon argue; literally throwing punches at each other. This ‘meeting’ was never going to be productive, and now she had a headache. She scrolled through the pinterest page on her phone, marvelling at all the blues, yellows and light greens that stood out amongst the greys; as much as they made her ache, they were beautiful.

A knock at the door wasn’t enough to distract Nayeon and Jeongyeon from their argument, but it was enough to draw Sana’s attention. She glanced at the pair aggressively arguing over the stupid pool inflatables (again), rolled her eyes and stood up to go see who was at the door, though it was likely their neighbour complaining about the noise.

“I’ll get it guys, don’t worry.” Sana muttered sarcastically, dragging her feet slightly as she trudged over to the front door. She pulled the door open tiredly, ready to apologise on behalf of Nayeon and Jeongyeon, when she met Jihyo’s eyes and froze. Jihyo _ definitely _ hadn’t texted her about her coming over. “Shit, Jihyo.”

What was particularly abnormal was how unbothered Jihyo seemed by her being the one to open the door; she just smiled at her warmly, before trying to look past her into the apartment. She was wearing a light blue dress with a black jacket, Jihyo had been right; light blue definitely suited her really well.

“Hey Sana, is Momo here? We’re supposed to be meeting for our date.” Jihyo chirped happily, she was either oblivious to the way Sana visibly winced or just chose to ignore it. “Is she here?”

“She just finished her history exam, so she should be back in like 10 minutes.” Sana explained mutedly. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t keep her eyes off Jihyo. “You can wait here if you want?”

“Sure, what are you up to?” Jihyo asked as she stepped into the apartment, waving at Nayeon and Jeongyeon, who had paused their fight when they’d heard the voices at the front door.

“This is the official planning committee for our New Years party.” Nayeon resounded proudly, gesturing between herself, Jeongyeon and Sana.

“It’s at _ my _house as well, why aren’t I on the ‘committee’?” Jihyo asked suspiciously, taking the seat between Jeongyeon and Nayeon, opposite Sana.

“Firstly, I did offer, but you were too busy so you were replaced with Sana.” Nayeon shrugged noncommittally, Sana shot Jihyo an apologetic glance. “Secondly, you’re worse than Jeongyeon at planning parties - and that’s saying something.”

“If it helps, you’re really not missing out on anything.” Sana reassured her. “This entire meeting has just been Jeongyeon and Nayeon arguing for nearly an hour.”

“That doesn’t surprise me to be honest.” Jihyo chuckled, shrugging when Nayeon glared at her. “You two are always arguing, you’re like an old married couple.”

“This time it wasn’t my fault though, Jeongyeon spent 70,000 won of _ my money _ on like 5 pool inflatables.” Nayeon fumed, scowling at Jeongyeon as the girl rolled her eyes.

“In my defence, I don’t have 70,000 won, or else I would’ve bought them with my own money.” Jeongyeon shrugged. “Plus, it all worked out in the end, we’ve got a great theme for your house now Nayeon.”

“Yeah we’re doing a beach theme for Nayeon’s place, don’t know what to do for yours though.” Sana interjected quickly, before Nayeon could get another word in. “Didn’t have an opportunity to try to plan what we were gonna do at yours because they started fighting again.”

“I’d offer to help, but apparently I’m terrible at planning parties so.” Jihyo joked teasing, eliciting a giggle from Sana and an eye roll from Nayeon.

“When’s Momo getting here, I want you gone.” Nayeon grumbled, sticking her tongue out at Jihyo grumpily.

“Please, when Momo gets here it’ll be a 4v1 against you, Nayeon.” Jeongyeon pointed out. 

“That’s it, none of you are invited to my New Years party.” Nayeon snapped, frown only deepening when everyone else around her erupted into laughter. “I better not see any of you snakes at my house.”

“Nayeon, you do realise the party is at _ my _house as well as yours.” Jihyo pointed out, in between fits of giggles. “You can’t uninvite me from the party at my house.”

“Once again, Park Jihyo, you severely underestimate my abilities.” Nayeon sighed, making a point to study her nails as if she was a super villain. “I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it.”

“Like that time you nearly burnt our apartment down trying to cook tteokbokki?” Sana interjected quickly.

“Or that time you crashed your bike trying to prove me you could do a wheelie?” Jihyo added immediately after Sana.

“And the time you got clocked by Yooa for hitting on her soulmate?” Sana reminded her, Jihyo howled with laughter in front of her as Nayeon groaned and hid her face in shame.

“Nayeon got punched and I wasn’t there to see it? Please tell me someone recorded it?” Jihyo laughed, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Listen, you’re making it sound way more exciting than it was.” Nayeon protested, waving Sana off before she could disagree. “We were all very drunk, so it was a really weak punch. I barely felt it.”

“You had a black eye for a week.” Sana pointed out.

“Sana, I’m going to have to ask you to shut the fuck up.” Nayeon warned her calmly.

“Do you have a photo of Nayeon with a black eye?” Jihyo asked Sana, completely ignoring how Nayeon started to protest her request.

“I used to, but Nayeon got really mad when she saw them and forced me to delete the pictures.” Sana explained sadly, rolling her eyes when Nayeon stuck her tongue out at her and Jihyo in triumph.

“What pictures?”

Sana froze when she heard Momo’s voice, her heart sinking when she appeared round the corner and sauntered over to where Jihyo was sat to press a kiss to the top of her head. What hurt even more was the way Jihyo’s whole face lit up the second Momo’s presence was made aware to them; it was almost as if she hadn’t seen Momo for weeks, the smile she broke into was so bright and loving it made Sana want to throw up. Sana tried her best to not let her upset show when Jihyo turned her head to pull Momo into a kiss; she really tried to not sink into her chair and die at how lovestruck Momo looked when she pulled back from their kiss.

“The pictures of Nayeon with a black eye after Yooa punched her.” Jeongyeon explained when no one else piped up. “She made Sana delete them remember? She sat on Sana’s back and tickled her until she relented, was _ hilarious. _”

“Oh yeah I remember, I also remember how Nayeon complained for that whole week about how much her eye hurt.” Momo chuckled, the way she was casually massaging Jihyo’s shoulders was unbelievably distracting for Sana. “As much as I’d love to hang around and share more funny Nayeon stories, Jihyo and I have a reservation to make so I’m gonna go get changed and we’ll be off.”

“Good riddance.” Nayeon grumbled under her breath, Jihyo smacked her arm half-heartedly.

“Shut up, Nay. You _ love _me really.” Jihyo cooed, leaning over to press a loud kiss on her cheek. It was nearly shocking the way Sana’s stomach turned with jealousy at the action.

Truly that was all it took for Sana’s focus to be stolen, just as how Jihyo’s focus was also gone. The second Momo disappeared into her room, Jihyo’s eyes stayed fixed on her bedroom door and Sana’s eyes remained fixed anywhere but Jihyo. Her head was alive was loud thoughts that blocked out any other noise coming from her surroundings, she couldn’t hear Jeongyeon and Nayeon’s loud laughs as they teased Jihyo for staring after Momo like a lovesick puppy; not that she’d want to anyway.

This was never going to work in the long run and Sana knew it, she was made more and more aware of this everyday. The way her heart lurched at the sight of Momo and Jihyo together, the way she felt so sick at the thought of them together was making it more and more difficult to be Momo’s friend - nothing scared her more than the thought of being too hurt by Momo’s presence to be around her.

Momo and Jihyo left at some point, Sana had no idea how much time had passed between Momo disappearing into her room and the couple leaving, she likely wouldn’t have even noticed if it wasn’t for that telltale pain erupting behind her eyes. Sana didn’t even flinch that time, despite being caught off guard by the pain, she didn’t even squint; the pain in her chest was far worse than that in her head.

  
  
  


The eighth colour Sana saw was dark green.

Nayeon was wearing the most hideous dark green jacket, and Sana’s first thought when she saw it was what Jeongyeon must’ve thought when she saw Nayeon wearing it, because Sana was truly taken aback by how distractingly ugly it was.

Dark green wasn’t an ugly colour itself, Sana truly believed on the right things it was truly beautiful. The beauty of the dark green spines on fir trees was mesmerising, she couldn’t even imagine them looking as magical in any other colour - Sana couldn’t wait to see the christmas tree her parents would have ready for her when she got home, excited to see how differently coloured ornaments looked against the dark green of the tree.

No, dark green wasn’t an ugly colour in itself, but it stood for so many ugly feelings - and for once Sana wasn’t bitter when she read about what it meant.

Dark green was associated with jealousy and resentment, which seemed to be most of what Sana had been feeling recently; all it was missing was loneliness and just general hopelessness for it to represent exactly how Sana felt at any given moment. She hated herself for feeling all of it, but it was involuntary and she couldn’t stop it even if she wanted to. If she could make that small feeling of envy she felt any time she saw Momo go away, she would in a heartbeat.

It was a strangely harrowing feeling seeing a large portion of your feelings represented in a colour; maybe in another life she’d enjoy it. But seeing it now, reading about it, made Sana feel unbelievably guilty.

  
  
  
  


They were leaving for Japan on monday, and here they were on the saturday night with nothing packed. A small part of Sana was freaking out slightly at the realisation she had less than 48 hours to pack everything for her week back home in Japan, but she was also far too distracted by the fact that Mina had hooked up her Nintendo Switch to their TV and was loading up Mario Kart.

Mario Kart night was something that’d once been intended as a tradition, but as with most things in life, that routine fell apart relatively quickly and now they only played together on very rare occasions; like that night. As much as Sana really needed to start packing, she needed this night off, playing games with her friends, more.

Nothing had quite been the same since Jihyo, even before Halloween, there had always been this strange energy between the two that had made Sana so anxious to be around her. It had been so easy to chalk it all up to jealousy, convince herself it was just that she didn’t like Jihyo, blame it all on how Jihyo was ‘stealing’ Momo from her, and make up excuses to never be around her - because that feeling she’d gotten in her chest had been so distracting and strangely painful, but not painful in the physical sense.

So nights where it was just the four of them fucking around and enjoying themselves, like how things had been for so long, were always the nights Sana most looked forward to. As much as she loved Nayeon, she longed for nights of peace like this.

Jeongyeon was already trying to wind up Momo whilst Mina struggled with the TV and complained, making very unsubtle comments about how they’d _ ‘already be playing right now if Jeongyeon had helped her set it up’ _, whilst everyone else pretended to ignore her in fear of doing something wrong and breaking everything.

It was just like old times, it was perfect.

“Jeongyeon if you don't stop poking my ear I swear to god.” Momo snapped, shoving Jeongyeon away from her as the girl laughed. “It’s not even funny, you’re just being annoying.”

“That’s exactly what makes it so funny, how annoyed you get.” Jeongyeon jeered, licking the palm of her hand before bringing it towards Momo’s face as the other girl let out a bloodcurdling scream, trying to get away from Jeongyeon’s hand as quickly as possible.

“I swear to _ god _ if you two don’t behave, I will pack this all up and go home.” Mina whipped around to point an accusatory finger at them and glare. “Jeongyeon, stop being annoying and Momo, for the love of god, stop screaming.”

“It’s literally not possible for Jeongyeon to be anything but annoying, would’ve thought you of all people would know this Mina.” Sana scoffed, sitting on the sofa, deliberately in between Jeongyeon and Momo. “Annoying is basically her default setting.”

“I’ll have you know, Miss Minatozaki, that I am a wonderful girlfriend and an even better soulmate. I’m never annoying.” Jeongyeon protested, jokingly pretending to go wipe her hand on Sana’s leg, before she smacked it away. “Isn’t that right, Mina? Aren’t I just a delight.”

“You have your moments, I guess.” Mina grumbled, Sana didn’t have to see her face to know she was rolling her eyes.

“If we asked your parents they’d say I was wonderful, a ‘truly amazing girl’.” Jeongyeon boasted smugly.

“Certainly helps that you’re such a kissass around them.” Momo muttered, rolling her eyes and huffing at Jeongyeon who was eyeing her angrily.

“Anyway, you can all shut up now because I’ve got it all connected up, so we can finally play now.” Mina interrupted before Jeongyeon could say anything else.

The three of them cheered loudly, thanking Mina profusely for doing it all without their help, making a point to ignore how Mina just sighed as she handed out the controllers. They selected their regular characters, Mina as Peach, Sana as Rosalina, Jeongyeon as Waluigi and Momo as Yoshi, and finally started the game.

Every game of Mario Kart ended up the exact same way, Sana and Momo would form an alliance against Jeongyeon, only for it to fall apart when Momo inevitably accidentally hit Sana with a red shell within the first lap. Jeongyeon would try really hard to do well up until she got hit with something, then she’d completely change her tune and would spend the whole game trying to sabotage Momo. Sana would get stuck somewhere, get mad, threaten to quit, then remember to reverse and be very quickly back on course. All the while Mina was quietly coasting in first place, while the other three battled it out against the NPC’s and each other.

Each and every game they played went a similar way, Mina quietly winning while the other 3 passionately battled it out for second place.

By the end of the fourth game, Sana had Momo in a headlock as she screamed for mercy after she’d ‘accidentally’ hit her with three red shells in a row just before the finish line, Jeongyeon was egging Sana on excitedly while Mina calmly waited for them to pick a map; scrolling through twitter on her phone.

“Sana I’m sorry, I swear I thought you were Mina!” Momo pleaded, fighting desperately to get out of Sana’s hold.

“You were in 9th place and I was in 8th, _ no way _ did you think I was Mina - she’d already finished.” Sana objected, snaking her other arm round to tickle Momo’s ribs. “Just admit you’re a snake and I’ll let you go.”

“I’d sooner _ die. _ ” Momo practically howled, sputtering her words in between fits of giggles as Sana tickled her side more aggressively. “Have mercy Satang, _ please. _”

“Can you guys hurry this up, and pick Dolphin Shoals we haven’t played that map yet.” Mina sighed. “You guys do this every single time, Sana fights with Momo and then forms an alliance against Jeongyeon again.”

“Yeah, c’mon now guys this is just so immature.” Jeongyeon tutted at them disappointedly. “Be a _ bit _ more original.”

“Shut up, Jeong.” Sana grumbled, releasing Momo from her headlock to smack Jeongyeon upside the head. “Momo, let’s form another alliance against Jeongyeon.”

“Hell yeah, we’re gonna take you _ down, _Yoo Jeongyeon.” Momo sneered, sticking her tongue out at Jeong and high-fiving Sana.

“Lord please give me strength.” Mina mumbled to herself tiredly as she watched the game start to load.

  
  


The evening was perfect, that sense of normality, that feeling that nothing had changed, was exactly what Sana had been craving, even if it did come with the sacrifice of Mina’s sanity. Sana had been worrying about how her friendship with Momo would survive with everything that was going on, all those thoughts in her head, but that just reassured her that she and Momo could remain friends - Sana could spend an evening with Momo and not feel that jealousy, that weird feeling of resentment that was usually bubbling in her chest around Momo.

For the first time in a long while, Sana slept without nightmares and without a heavy heart; she felt well rested for the first time in a long time.

But it was only natural for the perfect night to be just that, a perfect night that ended when it became morning.

Sana couldn’t help but feel a bit foolish that she’d genuinely allowed herself to believe one good night would change anything, that one good night was all it took for all the pain to go away. Her friends had always made jokes about her naivety, calling her painfully optimistic about everything, she’d always believed the optimistic part but never truly understood how it could be painful until recently. Especially in that moment as Sana stood in the hallway, out of view of the kitchen, and listened to Jeongyeon and Momo’s muted conversation.

_ “You’ve not packed to go back to Kyoto? Don’t you leave pretty early tomorrow?” _Jeongyeon asked Momo incredulously, Sana could practically hear her judging expression in her voice.

_ “No, not yet, but it’s fine I’m only going back for a week so it’s not like I have a whole lot to pack.” _Momo responded easily.

_ “That’s such a dumb mentality to have, what if you don’t get done in time?” _Jeongyeon scoffed, her disappointment in Momo evident in her tone.

_ “Chill Jeong, Jihyo is gonna be here in about an hour to help me pack, because she doesn’t trust me to not forget something.” _ Momo explained, the news made if feel as though one of Sana’s heart strings physically snapped. There was that feeling of jealousy, she had been so stupid to think everything was better, so naive to believe the night before had meant she was getting better. _ “Plus, she wanted to see me once again before I leave.” _

_ “Well, I trust Jihyo ever so slightly more than you.” _ Jeongyeon relented with a quiet chuckle. _ “She really can’t go a week without seeing you?” _

_ “She’s still kind of grumpy that our 6 month anniversary falls on the day I go back to Japan.” _ Momo pointed out. _ “We had to have our anniversary date friday night instead of tomorrow.” _

_ “Oh yeah I vaguely remember her telling us about that actually, I didn’t know it was your _ anniversary date _ though. What did you do? How was it?” _Jeongyeon queried.

_ “Amazing, we went to our favourite restaurant for a meal, had a nice, calming walk back to her place and we just talked the whole way back to hers about everything and anything.” _ Momo gushed dreamily, Sana could just picture the smile on Momo’s face - she just knew it was the smile once reserved for only Tiffany Young. The smile now withheld only for Park Jihyo. _ “She told me she loved me for the first time, I genuinely started crying when I said it back.” _

Sana didn’t know why she was still listening, the reminder of just how long Momo and Jihyo had been dating was not a welcomed one, and the reminder of them going on cute anniversary dates was even harder to hear, but for some reason she couldn’t move. It physically hurt her listening to Momo gush about Jihyo, she’d never felt such a strong resentment towards Momo before and that feeling of unbelievable jealousy was tearing at her insides and making her ache.

But, the worst part was that she knew she had no reason to be jealous; no right to feel so jealous when she heard Jihyo be referred to as Momo’s girlfriend. Because, Jihyo had never been hers in the first place - seemingly no matter what the universe wanted.

So why did she feel as though she’d die if Momo didn’t stop talking about Jihyo? She’d never wanted Jihyo before, never had any sort of positive feelings towards the girl before; and now she couldn’t stand the thought of her best friend having her.

It must just be a soulmate thing.

Because Jihyo loved Momo, and Momo loved Jihyo too. There was no denying that fact any longer, because now it had been vocalised to one another. Beforehand she could pretend it wasn’t true, no matter what Momo and Jihyo told her, she could just pretend they were a temporary relationship until Jihyo realised she was meant to be with her soulmate.

But, Jihyo had seen her soulmate, she’d seen and spoken to Sana, seen a new colour and still made the decision to tell Momo she was in love with her that very same night. And it hurt, it really _ fucking _hurt to think about.

Sana couldn’t take it any longer, no longer had the guts to face Jeongyeon and Momo, no longer able to interrupt their conversation as if she hadn’t heard - because she knew there was no way she wouldn’t burst into tears the second Momo told her the ‘good news’.

So Sana did what she’d spent most of the semester doing. She hid in her room and tried her best to go back to sleep so she wouldn’t have to look at her purple walls.

  
  
  


Despite her best efforts, the second the first sound of Jihyo’s laughter penetrated her bedroom walls, Sana knew sleep was never going to come to her. She felt so helpless and alone lying on her bed, staring up at her grey ceiling as the sounds of Jihyo’s laughter seemed to bounce off every wall in their apartment. Jihyo was becoming very difficult to ignore.

Sana knew she should be packing, her flight to Osaka was at 6am and she had yet to pack anything; but she had no motivation to do anything but lie in her bed and cry. She felt pathetic, well and truly useless as she just lay there doing nothing - almost the perfect representation of how she’d spent the past month and a half: avoiding her responsibilities and feeling like shit.

The sounds of Momo and Jihyo being happy felt like a cruel taunt. Throughout all the times she’d spent camped out in her room whilst Jihyo and Momo were hanging out at their apartment, she’d never heard them so clearly, their voices had never been so coherent and their laughs so loud. It felt as though they were projecting their voices to mock her, make her feel even more unloved and alone than she already did - as if they knew how Sana felt as if there was a knife puncturing her heart with every laugh and excited squeal she heard, and they wanted to add to her pain.

Perhaps it was because a small, masochistic part of Sana’s brain was forcing her to concentrate purely on the sounds of their happiness.

Throughout everything, no matter how much she wanted to blame her misery on others, be mad at Momo for being in love and happy and blame Jihyo for not loving her; she knew she was her worst enemy. It felt as though the universe was out to punish her for not trying hard enough to win Jihyo over by making her more depressed than she’d ever been before.

There was a knock at her door, and all Sana wanted to do was pretend to be asleep so she didn’t have to face it - praying that if she lay silent for long enough they’d go away because there were only two other people in the apartment, and she didn’t want to see either of them. But, the knocking persisted and she could hear Momo’s quiet voice calling out to her from the other side of the door, and Sana knew avoidance wasn’t going to work this time.

“What is it Momo?” Sana sighed tiredly as she opened her bedroom door to face a far too cheery looking Momo. “I was trying to take a nap.”

“Sorry to bother you, but Jihyo and I can’t find my favourite hoodie, the one with the Yankees logo on it.” Momo explained, Sana knew what hoodie she was referring to - it was dark blue - but continued to stare at her blankly, unsure of her point, so Momo continued. “We were wondering if you had it? Or at least knew where it was?”

“No idea, I’ve not seen it. Sorry Momoring.” Sana apologised with a shrug. “Are you sure Jihyo doesn’t have it? She’s always stealing your clothes.”

The comment came a lot harsher, much more bitter than she’d wanted it to; clearly more blunt than Momo had been expecting as well. Sana flinched slightly as Momo recoiled a bit at her tone, she didn’t want to Momo to think she had any problem with Jihyo wearing Momo’s clothes; even though she absolutely did.

“I was banned from stealing that hoodie, so I don’t have it.” Jihyo piped up from behind Momo, moving so she was standing next to Momo and in Sana’s line of sight.

What the fuck was she doing? What happened to her trying to stay away from Sana?

“Yeah, so are you absolutely sure you don’t have it?” Momo tried again, pouting at Sana to try and get her pity.

“I’m near positive I don’t have it.” Sana assured her, raising a judging eyebrow, unaffected by Momo’s pout and puppy-dog eyes.

“Can you check, please?” Jihyo inquired desperately. No matter how hard Sana had tried to avoid eye contact with her, the way her eyes sparkled as she stared at Sana pleadingly was too eye catching and Sana couldn’t stop herself from looking.

It was almost embarrassing how her heart did somersaults when they locked eyes.

“Fine, Momo you can check my wardrobe and my dresser but I promise you I don’t have it.” Sana sighed, rolling her eyes at the way Momo squealed excitedly. “Just don’t make a mess while you’re looking.”

Momo practically sprinted across her room to fling the doors to her wardrobe open, leaving Sana and Jihyo standing by the doorway. The air in the room was tense, but neither Momo or Jihyo seemed to mind, it was almost as if Sana was only one feeling uncomfortable; but, perhaps she was. Jihyo leant to the side slightly to see into Sana’s room, eyes immediately landing on the opened, empty suitcase in the middle of Sana’s floor.

“You’ve not packed yet?” Jihyo noted curiously, pointing at her empty suitcase.

“Not yet, I was kind of tired and wanted to nap first.” Sana lied, when in reality she just hadn’t had the energy to do anything but lay in bed. “I’ll pack a bit later.”

“Do you want me to help?” Jihyo offered innocently, it was a friendly gesture, Sana knew that, and she would’ve greatly appreciated it and even accepted it had it been anyone other than Jihyo. “It would definitely help you speed the process along, plus I’m pretty good at packing.”

“That’s a weird thing to brag about.” Sana joked lightly, her heart really shouldn’t be racing so fast at the way Jihyo giggled.

“Everyone’s got to have at least one weird skill to brag about.” Jihyo responded casually. “But, seriously, I’m more than happy to help.”

“I appreciate that, but it’s probably better if you don’t.” Sana whispered, praying that Momo didn’t hear. “I can pack by myself, plus, I thought you didn’t want to be around me.”

“We’re going to need to learn to coexist as friends if this is ever gonna work, Sana.” Jihyo whispered in reply, a slight scoff to her voice as if it was obvious. “Me helping you pack your stuff up is hardly scandalous.”

“Right, friends, whatever.” Sana sighed exhaustedly, she desperately wanted Momo to hurry up so she could be left alone again. “I can pack by myself fine, and I don’t want to intrude on your time alone with Momo.”

Jihyo’s eyes softened slightly, almost with a hint of pity that Sana _ really _ wanted to make go away; she _ hated _the thought that Jihyo had the audacity to pity her but she wasn’t completely sure why. The pair were almost in a weird staring contest, neither one daring to speak first in case they said something that would fuck everything up even further.

_ “You wouldn’t be intruding.” _Jihyo spoke, voice barely above a whisper, and Sana’s entire heart shattered into a thousand pieces at the sight of Jihyo looking at her so sadly. This was too hard.

“Can’t find it.” Momo interrupted the silence, Sana wasn’t sure she’d ever been so relieved to hear Momo’s voice.

“Maybe Jeong has it?” Jihyo queried, her voice slightly weaker than before. “We can look in her room?”

“Good idea, sorry to bother you Satang. You can get back to your nap now.” Momo apologised, Sana merely waved her off, no longer trusting her voice.

The look Jihyo shot her over her shoulder before Sana closed her bedroom door behind them was one she couldn’t read - but it was also one Sana wasn’t sure she wanted to read either.

  
  
  


The ninth colour Sana saw was brown, and it was really fucking _ ugly _.

It was the first time Sana discovered a colour and immediately hated it.

The jacket that was resting on the back of her desk chair was this deep brown, and Sana had never been so tempted to throw out an item of clothing before - she just really hated it, hated the weird way it made her feel.

But, brown was also the colour of so many beautiful things, Sana was amazed by how a colour so hideous could make up so many gorgeous things. The brown tree trunks coupled with the dark green of their leaves, made them so much more mesmerising and eye catching than ever before. The richness of chocolate had so much more power to it now it was in colour.

Sana didn’t even want to look at what the colour meant, what it symbolized, because she didn’t want to feel that same pain again. More recently, colours were starting to lose their meanings, she was losing her ability to associate them with anything positive because all they reminded her of were different encounters with Jihyo; how much each one hurt but in a different way.

All she could wonder was whether Jihyo was feeling the same pain as her, and if so, whether Momo knew Jihyo was feeling this pain; was she worried about her or was Jihyo playing it down as a small ache? Clearly Jihyo was an excellent actress if she did feel the same ache Sana always did, because she always seemed so casual about their meeting lately. The thought of that made her entire body throb with this dull pain yet again.

Brown was the colour most associated with stability, protection, comfort and nature. The bitter irony in all these colours was really starting to get to her, really starting to affect her the more she stared at the webpage. It felt as though the universe was out to get her, cause her as much agony as physically possible. First giving her a soulmate that doesn’t want her, then making her see all these colours that represented everything a person would dream to find in a soulmate.

Sana had never felt so unstable in her whole life, it was as if she was standing on a rocking boat that kept threatening to capsize at any moment, as if she’d be taken by the water at any second; but Sana wasn’t sure if she cared if she drowned any longer.

  
  
  
  


The sheer relief Sana felt when she saw her parents waiting for her at the airport, painfully cheesy welcome board in their hands, was unmatched by any semblance of joy she’d felt the past term; it was the happiest she’d felt in months because she finally knew for certain she was far away from the things that were causing her the most pain. She had a whole week of freedom ahead of her, she could only hope that was enough time to get herself together in preparation to see Jihyo again.

Her home felt so warm, no longer made up of such cold whites and various shades greys, she never imagined she’d be so happy to see colour surrounding her - it was blatantly evident her parents had been seeing in colour for a long time now, everything was colour matched to perfection and it was a truly beautiful sight.

It just felt like christmas, she was seeing all these bright, vibrant decorations for the first time - she’d never been able to associate christmas with any sort of colour before and now she could it was amazing. The reds and greens were most prominent colours she could pick out, they were the ones most used to decorate the christmas tree and used as other decorations strung up around the house. It was magical, and Sana could nearly forget about why it was she was actually able to see these colours in the first place.

Christmas was about being with her family, being happy and relaxed and forgetting about school and all the drama that came with it - Sana had never craved it so badly. It took only a few hours of Sana being home for her to regress into that mindset, everything was forgotten apart from those precious moments she spent with her parents.

The group-chat was alive with activity, Nayeon and Jeongyeon asking Sana, Momo and Mina about their flights and making sure they were all okay. She fired off a quick response before muting the group-chat and putting her phone away; this was a week for self care and happiness, and all that group-chat served as was a constant reminder that she wasn’t going to find that happiness and calmness back in Seoul.

Sana could tell her parents sensed something wasn’t quite right with her, she wasn’t as excitable and bubbly as she had been the last time they saw her - especially seeing as it was christmas time and also nearing her birthday. For, no matter how much happier she was being back at home, she still wasn’t ‘happy’ per sé. She was drained, both physically and mentally; the past term truly depleting her of any energy she needed to be her bubbly self again. It was only a matter of time before her mother or father brought it up with her.

Christmas itself passed without a hitch, it truly was the most incredible day of the year so far. Her parents spoiled her like crazy, as they did every year, managing to pinpoint exactly what gifts she both wanted and needed, gushing about the small yet meaningful gifts Sana had managed to get them and then showering her with their undivided love and affection for the whole day. It was the first time in a long few months Sana had felt truly wanted and loved, she never realised just how difficult and lonely life was without that feeling.

Her grandparents and cousins came over to their home, as they did each year, to spend the afternoon and early evening with them as a whole family. All the small traditions that came with Christmas in Osaka that she’d never really given much thought to, such as her extended family visiting, felt so much more meaningful this year.

A small, selfish part of Sana’s brain allowed herself to believe that they had all come over to see her, that they were only visiting their home for christmas because of Sana and not because it was a tradition. Deep down she knew it wasn’t true and that it was almost childish to believe as such, but it was a nice feeling, believing these people loved her so much they’d go to such effort just to see her. It made her feel important and significant for the first time in so long.

She knew she was deluding herself, knew that she could only fool herself for so long before reality came crashing down on her again and she had to face the brutal truth that none of her fantasies were real.

  
  


Her mother waited until the day after Boxing day, the 27th of December, before she confronted Sana. Sana had known this was coming ever since she first stepped foot off the plane - her mother could read her like a book, she knew better than anyone when Sana was upset and trying to hide it. And, despite her best efforts to act happy and mean it, her mother had caught on and knew it was all a lie.

Whilst a small part of her was relieved her mother had noticed she was miserable, it finally giving her the chance to ask for much needed advice and vent all of her issues to someone who wasn’t caught up in the drama; she was also terrified of what would spill over her lips once she started talking. She just needed some more time to plan what she would allow herself to tell her mother.

But when her mother silently opened her bedroom door and slipped inside, facing her with a concerned look that was a perfect picture of both empathy and compassion, Sana knew she’d run out of time to plan what to say.

“Satang, what’s wrong?” Her mother asked her so delicately, as if were her tone to show even the slightest hint of apathy Sana would fall to pieces.

“I’m fine, just a bit tired.” Sana shrugged coolly, trying her best to lie as convincingly as possible, she wasn’t completely sure why though.

“I can tell when you’re lying to me, Sana.” Her mother reminded her, raising a suspicious eyebrow as she watched Sana carefully. She was hovering by Sana’s bed near awkwardly, as if she had yet to decide her place in the room yet. “You haven’t been yourself at all lately, I noticed it the second you walked through those airport gates and my eyes landed on you. You looked tired, but a different kind of tired. What’s wrong?”

“School is just really stressful right now, mom.” Sana sighed, the slight shake to her voice evident as she exhaled a deep breath. “I’m just under a lot of stress right now, but being home has really helped a lot I promise.”

Her mother looked her up and down, carefully studying every aspect of her body language before gently perching on the end of Sana’s bed - as if she’d finally settled on what her place in the room was. She gently wrapped her hand around Sana’s ankle and squeezed it gently, her face was unreadable but all her body language was telling Sana she wasn’t convinced by her lie, nor was she satisfied with it either.

“Are you sure that’s everything?” She challenged calmly, as if she was trying to coax more information out of Sana. “There’s nothing else going on that’s bothering you?”

“No, just school stuff.” Sana reiterated smoothly, she wasn’t sure why she was lying to her mother - she wanted nothing more than to talk about the soulmate situation, cry in her mother's arms and beg for advice, but doing so almost felt like she was betraying Jihyo. So she kept her mouth shut. “I never realised how heavy a workload dance majors have, but I’m getting the hang of it all.”

There was a pause, all she heard was her mother’s soft sigh as she stared down at her lap, not yet meeting Sana’s eyes, and Sana knew she was fucked.

“Sana, I know you can see colours.” She declared easily, raising her gaze from her lap to meet Sana’s shocked and panicked expression. “Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?”

“How?” Sana whispered, stunned and in disbelief - she truly thought she’d been careful.

“It’s all the little things, the way you stared at all the decorations with a little more amazement, that same sparkle in your eye your father had when he first saw christmas decorations in colour. When we first got back from the airport, you walked around the house looking at everything as if it was brand new, like you’d never seen any of it before.The way you dress, for the first time you stepped out of that gate wearing non clashing clothes and you have yet to wear a mismatched outfit.” Her mother listed.

Sana flinched slightly at each thing her mother said because she knew what was to come - and she really wasn’t ready for those gates to open fully.

“I have just one more question, Satang.” Her mother’s tone changed completely, she sounded worried and confused; Sana knew what words were to leave her mother’s mouth before she even spoke them. “If you have a soulmate, why didn’t you tell us? Why keep it a secret?”

Sana couldn’t stop herself from immediately bursting into tears, she’d been holding everything in for so long, desperate to talk to someone about what she was going through but never having the guts to do it. Her mother wordlessly pulled her into her arms, gently hushing her as Sana just melted into her touch continuing to sob.

“She doesn’t want me, mom.” Sana was practically bawling by that point, her cries loud and unrestrained. “She loves someone else and doesn’t want to be with me.”

“But she’s _ your _soulmate, she’s supposed to be with you?” Her mother queried, clearly confused by the whole situation.

“She doesn’t even believe in soulmates, mom, she’s so adamantly against them it’s so _ frustrating. _” Sana wept, hiccuping as she spoke. “She’s just so confusing, first she didn’t want to be around me at all and now she’s saying ‘we need to get used to each other if we’re gonna be friends’. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“I’m so sorry Sana, I’m so _ so _sorry.” Her mother consoled her calmly, gently rubbing soothing circles down her back. “I’m just as confused as you are.”

“I can’t take seeing her all the time, it’s _ killing _ me, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. Seeing her, hearing about her just _ thinking _ about her makes me ache all over and want to cry.” Sana sobbed, hugging her mom as tight as she possibly could.

“Is there no chance of you convincing her to change her mind, make her see that she's supposed to be with you?” Her mother offered, Sana shook her head frantically.

“I can’t, god, it’s all so complicated.” Sana blubbered, barely able to form coherent sentences with how hard she was crying.

“Why, tell me everything Sana.”

“Because I risk losing _ everything _ if I do that and fuck it up.” Sana hiccuped, trying to control her breathing so she could just speak. “She’s dating someone else, and they love each other. God, she’s dating _ Momo _mom.”

“Momo? As in your best friend?” Her mother gasped, shocked.

“My best friend in the whole world is in love with my soulmate, and my soulmate loves her back, and it just _ hurts _so much.” Sana nodded against her mom’s chest, bawling harder than before.

“Sana, I know this may be difficult to ask right now, but _ are you _ in love with Jihyo? Or the idea of her.” Her mother questioned gently, truthfully Sana had never really thought about that before.

“The idea of her, I guess?” Sana asked, unsure. “I don’t know Jihyo very well, but I think about her all the time and when we talk, everything just feels so easy like we could be in love someday. But I always just assumed it was a soulmate thing.”

“Oh sweetheart.” Her mother cooed empathetically, sighing sadly. “That’s not just a soulmate thing.”

  
  
  
  


It was the evening of Sana’s 20th birthday, and she was beyond exhausted. The day had been wonderful, her parents had looked after her so kindly and carefully; ensuring she got the best birthday they could possibly offer. They’d given her plenty of different options for activities they could do together, but truly all Sana had wanted to do was relax the whole day; spend time just being with her parents in a calm setting before she left for Seoul the next day.

Her mother had been treading eggshells around her ever since she found out about the whole soulmate situation, being extra attentive to make sure there was never a hint of a possibility Sana could be at all uncomfortable or unhappy. Her father had started doing it as well, every 5 seconds he was asking if there was anything she wanted, offering to let her watch the cartoons she’d been so fond of when she was younger; Sana could only assume her mother had told her dad about Jihyo. As much as she appreciated all the love and warmth they were showing her, all it served was to do was make her feel like she was a burden, almost a lost cause.

They were treating her as if the door had already been closed on the prospect of Sana ending up with her soulmate. And Sana liked to think that Jihyo could still fall in love with her if she gave it a chance.

She’d been home for nearly a week, and despite how badly she’d wanted to relax, she felt no less stressed and anxious about seeing Jihyo than she had when she’d left. The first few days, she’d managed to successfully keep Momo and Jihyo out of her thoughts, had barely talked to them at all since they all split up to go home for the holidays and done everything she could to distract herself from thinking about them; she’d tried so hard to get Jihyo out of her mind for just one week.

But now she couldn’t get Jihyo out of her head, no matter how hard she tried to preoccupy her mind with other things, Jihyo had officially set up camp in a small part of her brain and Sana couldn’t decide what she thought about it.

All she could think about was what her mother had said to her, she was trying to make sense of what it meant and what that therefore signified for her stance on Momo and Jihyo as a couple. _ “That’s not just a soulmate thing.” _the meaning should be obvious, she should be able to easily decipher what that meant for her but it was as if she had a mental block, something within her didn’t want her to figure it out definitively. At least, not yet.

Her thoughts on Jihyo had been changing rapidly, it felt as though every few seconds she had a new opinion on the girl and she just wished her mind could settle on something for once. All she could deduce was that she no longer disliked her, the thought of her no longer made her feel that strange feeling of anger and resentment; as if the girl had done anything wrong. There was a pit in her stomach that opened up at the thought of Jihyo, and all she could feel was sheer emptiness.

Sana only wanted Jihyo out of her head, or for her to at least find a place in her brain where she fit.

The loud ringing of Sana’s phone on her bedside table brought her out of her thoughts, she peered over to check the caller ID; check if it was someone she actually wanted to talk to. Relief flooded her whole body when she saw who it was.

“Hey Miguri~” Sana chirped happily down the phone, she’d truly missed her.

_ “Happy birthday Satang! Did you have a good day?” _Mina excitedly asked, a near musical lilt to her voice.

“I had the best birthday, thank you! Thank you for your present, I swear I was good and didn’t open it until this morning.” Sana promised, smiling proudly to herself when she heard Mina’s classic airy giggle down the other line. “The sweater is gorgeous and really warm, and your letter nearly made me _ cry _.”

_ “I’m glad you liked them, and I’m especially glad you didn’t open them before your actual birthday.” _ Mina teased jokingly. _ “What did you get up to today? Anything exciting?” _

“Not at all, decided to save all my energy.” Sana replied with a slight hum. “With the flight tomorrow evening and then Nayeon’s huge New Years party, decided to have a relaxing day just with my parents instead of doing anything too big.”

_ “I get that, Nayeon has been hyping up this party non-stop all week in the group chat. Have you seen? It’s like every 20 seconds she’s bragging about it again.” _Mina laughed, Sana could nearly hear the eyeroll in her voice.

“That’s exactly why I’ve had the group chat muted all week. The first time she brought it up, I knew that was just the beginning of it.” Sana explained with a faux serious tone, unable to force back a smile. 

_ “You’re not the only person who’s been really inactive in the group chat all week, Jihyo has barely said a word past the classic ‘Merry Christmas guys’ on Christmas day.” _ Mina pointed out, it was clear she meant nothing by it, but Sana couldn’t help that weird tightness in her chest that arose again at the mention of the other girl. _ “She’s probably busy sorting out her side of the party to be fair.” _

“Yeah for sure, they’ve got a big job ahead of them.” Sana agreed quietly, loudly clearing her voice to avoid any suspicion.

_ “You mentioned you’ve got an evening flight tomorrow? How come, I thought you, me and Momo were planning to get flights at similar times in the afternoon?” _Mina inquired, evidently confused by the sudden change of plans.

“Oh, my parents booked my return flights for me and they chose the evening flight.” Sana lied, not wanting to tell the truth that she’d deliberately booked a later flight in an attempt to avoid seeing Momo until Nayeon’s party; where she’d hopefully be drunk. “I forgot to tell them what time to book, I honestly didn’t expect them to pick an evening flight of all times. I won’t be getting into Seoul until like gone midnight.”

_ “That kind of sucks, but I understand, I had to remind my dad like 4 times to book an afternoon flight and not a morning one.” _ Mina huffed. _ “Like, it really shouldn’t be so difficult for them to remember and yet they always get it wrong.” _

“It’s really annoying.” Sana hummed in agreement. “They never learn.”

_ “They really don’t, it’s the same every single term.” _ Mina sighed. _ “Anyway, moving on to a whole new topic. What are you planning on wearing to Nayeon’s party? Because it’s fucking freezing, and I don’t trust that I won’t get hypothermia if I wear a crop top and shorts like Nayeon is planning to wear.” _

  
  


Mina always acted as the perfect distraction from any and all of her problems, it was as if the girl had a super power and just knew when Sana was starting to spiral; she always seemed to call or text at the exact right moments to save Sana from herself. 

They talked on the phone for nearly 2 hours, talked about everything and anything that came to mind - it was like a strange form of therapy almost. Mina had the most calming voice, every word that passed her lips just seemed so well thought out and important. Before her phone call Sana had felt far from ready to return to Seoul, but now she actually felt like she could face it all.

It was an amazing phenomenon how little it can take for everything to be thrown out of balance.

Jihyo [23:49pm]

hey sana

i know it’s really late and idk where

we stand rn

because i'm pretty sure u hate me

but i just wanted to say happy

birthday!!

hope you had a really great

day!

Sana [23:50pm]

thanks jihyo i did have a nice day

Jihyo [23:51pm]

im glad to hear that!!

sorry im so late, i didnt know if it

was a good idea to text you but

i just thought id be mad if i didnt

Sana [23:51pm]

im glad you did it means a lot

ill see you at new years i guess?

Jihyo [23:52pm]

see you at new years!!

sleep well

It was a text conversation, the kind casual friends had all the time - it really shouldn’t bother Sana the way it did; she had no reason to try to read into it as much as she was. As she lay in bed, way past midnight rereading the conversation over and over again, the word “hate” continued to stick out to her no matter how much she tried to ignore it.

Why was her heart aching so much at the thought of Jihyo thinking Sana hated her? After everything, Jihyo still believed Sana actually hated her?

  
  
  


She’d only been at Nayeon’s house for 30 seconds before she realised just how immense the whole event was going to be, and they hadn’t even finished setting up the decorations. Nayeon was storming around the house like some form of tyrant, barking orders at people and then getting frustrated when things weren’t done as she wished - this kind of Nayeon was a whole new side to her that Sana hadn’t really seen before. Nayeon had always had somewhat of a bossy streak, but she’d never seen it truly come out before.

However, credit where credit was due for the house looked truly incredible, Nayeon really did put a lot of effort into planning the party and it absolutely showed. In spite of her reservations, and blatant annoyance, the pool inflatables were a nice touch for the beach theme Nayeon had decided on. But, Sana only had a few minutes after arriving to marvel at how great the house looked before being spotted by Nayeon and given plenty of jobs to ensure everything was done before 9pm.

Neither Jihyo nor Momo were anywhere to be seen, Jeongyeon and Mina were in the kitchen setting up the drinks table and snack bar, but Jihyo and Momo didn’t appear to be at Nayeon’s at all. 

It shouldn’t bother her, really there was no reason for it to bother her, especially as she’d just spent the past week trying as hard as she possibly could to keep the couple out of her mind due to the anguish she felt when she saw them or even just thought of them. Yet now, Sana was whipping her head around at the sound of any voice that sounded even the slightest bit similar to either one of them.

Even she had to admit, no matter how hard she seemed to be trying to give in to her irrational thoughts and resentments, that it should be normal for her to be looking forward to seeing Momo. The girl was supposed to be her best friend so it really shouldn’t come as such a shock to her that she was seeking out her best friends voice, anticipating finally seeing her again after. It really shouldn’t feel as though she was doing something wrong waiting to see Momo.

It was 9pm and everything had been finished, and everything looking incredible. Jeongyeon and Mina had done an impeccable job with colour matching everything, nothing clashed and the whole house had a cool, warm tropical feel to it. Nayeon’s vision had truly come to life and it was definitely worth the effort she’d put into it. Speaking of, Nayeon was sat in the kitchen drinking from a bottle of red wine as she leant against the counter top; they had around an hour before people started to show up and clearly this was Nayeon’s form of preparation.

“Everything looks great, Nay.” Sana told her as she leant against the counter next to her. “You did a great job planning this.”

“Thank you, I can’t take full credit though. A beach theme was your idea to stop me from killing Jeongyeon.” Nayeon pointed out, taking a particularly long swig from the bottle.

“Everyday I regret making that suggestion, can’t believe I actually saved Jeongyeon. What a fatal error on my part.” Sana sighed melodramatically, grabbing a beer can from behind her and opening it to take a sip. “She’s done nothing but annoy me since.”

“Swear to god that girl exists to be an annoyance.” Nayeon chuckled, shaking her head slightly. “Really, you’ve just got to both pity and admire Mina for having her as a soulmate _ and _sticking with her. To be honest, I would’ve just hung around her enough to see all colours and then dipped.”

It was a joke, one that had been made many times before and Sana had always just laughed and played along before; but, this time, it really hurt to hear. Sana quickly chugged the entirety of her beer, there was no way she was gonna survive the night sober.

  
  


By 11pm, the party was in full swing and Sana was in the midst of an intense beer pong game against Yerin. She’d had more drinks than she could remember, and she really wasn’t aware of her surroundings, beyond the fact that Jeongyeon was cheering loudly behind her and Sojung was yelling at Yerin somewhere in front of her. It was the most pitiful game of beer pong ever, both of them being far too drunk to really see properly, yet that only seemed to make it even more exciting.

Sana had yet to see Momo and Jihyo, having made the conscious decision to stay at Nayeon’s house instead of going and seeing what was going on at Jihyo’s. The party was excellent, the music was loud, the drinks were good and all the pretty people Nayeon kept introducing her to were serving as somewhat of a distraction from Jihyo.

Only they weren’t, because with each beautiful girl Sana kindly shot down, her mind always wandered back to Jihyo and the fact Jihyo wouldn’t even let down _ one _girl for her. All she wanted was one evening where she was happy again, where she was drunk enough to not think about Jihyo but that was clearly never going to happen.

At some point, Sana managed to successfully land the ping-pong ball in Yerin’s final cup, and she was finally freed from the game. All Sana wanted was a second to sit down and catch her bearings before she went off to do something else, but clearly someone else had other plans; a firm arm was wrapped around her waist and was tugging her off towards the kitchen. She knew exactly who it was the second she heard them tell people to get out of her way.

“Why are you dragging me Momo?” Sana slurred, she could barely recognise the own words leaving her mouth.

“Because I know how drunk you are right now.” Momo laughed, squeezing her waist as she continued to pull her along. “Don’t want you to fall over like you usually do.”

“Why are you dragging me around then?” Sana wondered aloud. Momo just chuckled and pulled her into the kitchen, spun around and wrapped Sana in a warm hug.

“Because I wanted to say hi! I missed you over christmas, it was weird not calling you like I did last year.” Momo cheered happily, humming calmly when Sana melted into her embrace. “Did you have a good birthday?”

“I had the best day, I missed you too though.” Sana replied, voice muffled by Momo’s embrace. Her head was swimming and she couldn’t really make out Momo by her face but she smelled like her - it was the perfume Momo always wore to parties and on nights out. “You smell really nice, Momo.”

“Thank you.” Momo giggled, stroking a hand through Sana’s hair. “You smell like vodka and beer, but I don’t mind.”

“Eunha tripped and spilled her beer all over me.” Sana explained.

“And the vodka?”

“I’ve had a lot to drink, and a lot of vodka.” Sana snickered, as if she’d done something devious.

“I can see that.” Momo smiled softly.

“I missed this.” Sana sighed, hugging Momo tighter. It was strange, despite all the drunken yelling around them and people stumbling past noisily, it was as if they were in their own little world.

“Hugging at parties?” Momo questioned, chuckling quietly.

“When it was just you and me, it almost feels like I’m second best at the moment.” Sana whispered sadly. “I never see you anymore, you’re always with her instead.”

“...Jihyo?” Momo asked, as if it wasn’t obvious who Sana was referring to.

“I miss you, I miss how it was before everything changed.” Sana muttered, not answering the question but Momo knew what she was referring to. Momo just sighed and pulled away from the hug carefully, eyeing Sana up and down with an unreadable gaze.

“I’m sorry Sana, I really am sorry that you feel that way.” Momo murmured apologetically. “Come over to Jihyo’s party, I really want you to see that you can be around Jihyo and I, and it’s just like how it was before - just with another person. I don’t want to lose either of you, Sana, trust me I love you both far too much for that.”

“Does Jihyo want to see me, though?” Sana asked sadly, blatantly avoiding eye contact with Momo.

“Of course she does, why wouldn’t she?” Momo rolled her eyes at her, acting as though her words were spoken out of drunken ridiculousness and not genuine worry; as if Sana was being truly ridiculous to think that Jihyo wouldn’t want to see her.

Her drunken mind wanted so badly to tell Momo everything, risk her whole friendship with the girl and everyone else within their tight knit group just for the tiniest of chances Momo may step aside to let her pursue things with Jihyo; with her soulmate. Her heart was hammering against her ribcage, bile rising in her throat as she forced back the words that so desperately wished to slip past her lips. Sana would do anything to keep Momo in her life forever, would do anything to not lose the best friend she’d ever had; and yet here she was, willing to risk everything for a girl she hadn’t even _ liked _two months ago.

Perhaps it was the effect of the alcohol coursing through her system, stopping her mind from thinking clearly. Perhaps it really was just a soulmate thing, something the universe was trying to force her to do in order for her to be with Jihyo, in spite of what her mother had told her. 

All Sana knew for certain was that, no matter how badly she wanted to tell Momo her girlfriend was Sana’s soulmate, it simply wasn’t an option; no matter how confusing her thoughts on Jihyo were.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like she doesn’t like me very much.” Sana grumbled sheepishly, shrugging her shoulders as if to punctuate her point. “It’s her party, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sana. Of course she likes you, she wants to introduce you to her friends from high school, in fact!” Momo reassured her, wrapping her arm securely around her waist comfortingly. “C’mon, let me take you over to Jihyo’s - she worked really hard on the decorations, I think you’ll like it.”

“Momo, I can walk over myself don’t worry.” Sana slurred unconvincingly, standing up as straight as she could to try to convince Momo to leave her.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind taking you.”

“Momoring, I am 20 years old now, I can walk the 15ft to Jihyo’s house by myself.” Sana insisted, her words ever so slightly garbled but Momo seemed to understand. “Jeongyeon and Mina are in the living room, Nayeon was in the dining room last I saw. Go have fun Momoring, I’ll be fine.”

“If you need me at all, please just scream and I’ll know it’s for me. Okay?” Momo relented reluctantly, rolling her eyes at how Sana cheered lightly.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Sana shot Momo a teasing wink before disappearing into the crowds of people again. She knew she didn’t have to go to Jihyo’s, could easily lie and say she got distracted or pulled away by someone else; thus she was unable to find Jihyo. Nevertheless, despite how easy it would be for her to keep away from Jihyo, she couldn’t stop herself from stumblinding into Nayeon’s garden and thus over into Jihyo’s garden.

The small, rational part of her brain was begging for her to stop, as if it had some form of sixth sense that told her that nothing good could ever come from seeing Jihyo. Every single encounter the pair had shared so far had ended with Sana being miserable and confused; with Jihyo changing with every meeting and never seeming to stay consistent with her views.

No matter how unhappy and stressed Jihyo always seemed to leave her feeling, that clearly wasn’t enough to stop her from seeking her out.

Jihyo’s house was a stark contrast to Nayeon’s, but it was still incredibly beautiful in it’s own right. Where Nayeon’s was a beach themed, with cool calming blues interspersed with warm and bright yellows; Jihyo’s was more of a winter wonderland. It was also largely based around cool blues, but instead of yellows, it was mainly interspersed with whites, dark blues and dark greens. It was near unbelievable how they’d managed to plan two vastly different parties without either one being boring.

The house was alive with music and drunken people shouting at one another, but Sana just wanted to find Jihyo. She had no idea why she was so desperate to see her, had no real plan for what she wanted to say or do when she actually saw Jihyo; all that she knew was that she had to see her.

She couldn’t stop thinking about what Jihyo had said to her in her texts, Jihyo thought she hated her. It shouldn’t bother her, she really shouldn’t be so taken aback and disheartened by the fact Jihyo _ still _thought she hated her.

Sana didn’t think she could ever hate Jihyo, no matter how much she hurt her.

She heard Jihyo’s laugh before she saw her, it was almost as if Jihyo’s laugh existed as an audio file in her brain, she was certain she could identify it from miles away at this point. It was a sound she didn’t think she could get tired of. Sana followed the sound as if it was calling out to her, she was able to zero in on it even in her drunken state.

Jihyo was in the dining room with a few other people she didn’t recognise, they were all laughing loudly as the taller one just watched them smugly. There was a lot happening in such a small room, lots of people trying to move past her to get around the house, but Sana couldn’t move; her eyes fixed on Jihyo.

“Hey Sana, good to see you!” Jihyo called over to her, her words were slurred and her eyes unfocused as she waved at Sana.

“You got a haircut.” Sana blurted out before she could stop herself. Jihyo smiled widely at her, moving to card a hand through her own hair, hair which had once flowed down her back but now rested on her shoulders. It framed her face perfectly, and Sana’s heart was going into overdrive. “It looks really great.”

“Thank you, I cut it myself at like 1am a few nights ago and then my mom took me to a proper professional to get it tidied up.” Jihyo explained with a giggle, smiling at Sana warmly. “Oh! Sana these are my friends, Dahyun, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu. Guys this is Sana, she’s… Momo’s best friend and roommate.”

“It’s nice to meet you all, I’ve heard quite a bit about you.” Sana greeted them shyly, smiling at them all as warmly as she could imagine.

They all sheepishly greeted her back, smiling shyly at her as Sana carefully walked further into the room, drinking in all the colours of her surroundings. The walls were a light brown, it was warm and comforting and Sana was amazed that a colour so ugly could fit in so many different settings and not be ugly.

She turned her attention back to Jihyo, smiling at her as confidently as she could muster as she slowly inched closer to where the group of them were huddled.

“Your house looks great.” Sana hummed, continuing to nonchalantly look around. “You did a really amazing job with the decorations.”

“Thank you, it was my idea to do a winter wonderland.” Jihyo beamed proudly. “It turned out really well don’t you think?”

“Yeah, it looks incredible.” Sana agreed enthusiastically, she turned to fully face Jihyo and a breath caught in her throat the second they locked eyes.

They were brown, Jihyo’s eyes were a deep brown and Sana was getting lost in them.

She’d seen Jihyo’s eyes before and they’d always been beautiful, but they’d never made her heart skip a beat like that before. Perhaps it was her drunken mind playing tricks on her, making her feel all these different things, making her heart crazy. But, all she could think was how it felt like time had frozen as she just stared into Jihyo’s eyes as if they were a window to another universe.

This wasn’t the first time she’d seen people’s eyes in colour before, and it’d never held much meaning to her until then. Eyes had always been pretty to her, they’d always told her so much about a person, but this was the very first time she’d been rendered speechless.

Jihyo’s eyes were one of her new favourite sights, and it felt as if she was getting drunk on them; getting drunk all over again.

Her mind was running rampant, with different thoughts crashing over her every millisecond but there were only two things she was absolutely certain about.

Sana was absolutely in love with Park Jihyo.

And the pain in her chest kept getting worse and worse with every second she continued to stare into Jihyo’s big, brown eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
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	4. my thoughts vs my feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It no longer bothered her how complicated her life had become, she no longer gave a shit that Jihyo had a clamp on her heart she couldn't seem to get rid of, because now all Sana wanted was to be with Jihyo wholly and truly, she didn’t want that vice grip Jihyo had on her heart to loosen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here, so sorry for such a long wait - life kinda got in the way and finding motivation was tough - but here's a 36k chapter to make up for it! The final chapter will (HOPEFULLY) be up within the week, but it very much depends on how busy I am.  
If you also have a Twitter account, feel free to tweet your reactions using #ThoughtsOnSahyo I don't trust my notifications and I really do want to see all your reactions.  
This is actually BETA'd (thank you Kenny, aka @specialkman44!!)  
Hope you enjoy!

_ “Is Jihyo okay?” _

_ Sana froze in her tracks at the sound of Momo’s worried voice, she’d ventured upstairs in search of the bathroom and it seemed she wasn’t the only person in search of something. _

_ “She’s fine, Momo, I just put her to bed - she got way too drunk.” Someone responded, their voice was hushed so Sana couldn’t quite make out who it was, but their voice was extremely familiar - it sounded like one of Jihyo’s friends from school. “I think it’s best if you don’t disturb her, Momo.” _

_ “She’s my girlfriend, Tzuyu, and I’m worried about her.” Momo near hissed at the other girl, Sana felt a small pang of guilt, knowing she really shouldn’t be eavesdropping but she couldn’t move away. “I just want to go in and check on her, please.” _

_ “Go back downstairs and enjoy the party, Momo. Trust me, she’s fine she just needs some rest and peace and quiet.” Tzuyu reiterated, speaking more forcefully than before. “She’s had a stressful day, please don’t think this is about you.” _

_ “I know, I’m sorry, I’m just worried about her. I’ve never seen her like this before and it’s kind of scary.” _

_ “I know, I’ve never seen her like this either.” _

  
  
  


Everything about this felt so familiar, yet also so different.

As Sana lay in bed, her heart felt just as heavy as it had those few months ago. She felt just as cold, just as sober, and definitely just as lonely. It felt like a sign she should stop going to parties, a sign that nothing good could come from being around Park Jihyo, and yet Sana knew deep down in her heart that it was about more than just Jihyo. It felt like a cop out to just be blaming all of her issues on Jihyo’s mere existence, but it was much easier than admitting she’d made her own life so much worse.

It’d been so much easier when she didn’t like Jihyo, and when she’d been indifferent towards her, because at least then Sana hadn’t felt that guilt when she’d wished ill on the girl - she hadn’t felt so bad when she’d deliberately done everything in her power to avoid Jihyo like the plague, make Jihyo feel unwanted whenever they did have to see each other. But now, as Sana lay in bed, still tipsy at 5am, it felt like the guilt and regret was going to eat her alive.

Her mind was alive with thoughts, Sana hadn’t been able to escape her brain lately - it never seemed to shut off and leave her alone - all the thoughts in her head making her feel like the worst human being alive. How she’d tried so hard to make her _ best friend’s girlfriend _feel hated, make her feel as if Sana couldn’t stand to be around her, and blamed her for everything wrong in her life. And now, all Sana could feel was regret, because deep down she knew she’d ruined her shot at happiness by being petty and cruel.

That pain in her chest hadn’t subsided either, she could still feel each and every time her heart beat - as if it was physically slamming against her ribcage - and Sana was trying really hard to focus on that feeling of physical pain; a fruitless attempt at distracting herself from the deep sadness that radiated throughout her whole torso.

Tonight was just like last time in so many ways, but it was also so different. Because Jihyo had been different.

There was something seriously off with the girl, she hadn’t been quite the same since she went home for her sisters birthday - but she seemed even worse at the party. That aura of happiness and warmth that had once surrounded her was gone, the smiles that seemed plastered on her lips didn’t feel right - they weren’t the same as they had once been.

She’d never seen Jihyo get so drunk, the way she’d hung off of a very concerned looking Tzuyu for the better part of an hour. Sana wasn’t sure she’d seen Jihyo so out of control before, hadn’t seen her ever get so wasted she couldn’t stand up without help or formulate a proper sentence. Had Sana not been so drunk herself, she liked to think she would have offered Tzuyu some help dealing with Jihyo.

But, a large part of her knew that Jihyo wouldn’t have accepted her help.

Her heart had ached for Momo at the way Jihyo had flinched at any contact Momo made with her, how any time she tried to show Jihyo any affection she’d gotten this strange faraway look in her eyes and recoiled - almost as if she didn’t even recognise Momo any more, treating her like she was a stranger and not her girlfriend.

Truly the only person she’d seemed comfortable with had been Tzuyu, and whilst that small selfish part of Sana’s brain had been glad Jihyo hadn’t been showing Momo any attention or affection - it felt like the first time she’d seen Momo and Jihyo in the same room together when they weren’t all over each other - but Sana knew this ran deeper than anything she understood; and it was definitely more about Jihyo herself than about Jihyo’s relationship with Momo.

Admittedly, Sana felt disgusted by the relief she felt at the thought of Jihyo and Momo’s relationship souring. She really was starting to wish for her best friend to be miserable, and it was frightening how little control she had over those wishes.

The last time Sana had been here, she’d just found her soulmate and had been devastated at the thought of it - she’d had her dreams torn away and stomped on and she’d truly thought it couldn’t get any worse for her. Now, she lay in bed having just realised she had fallen in love with her soulmate, but her soulmate still didn’t love her back. The pretty colours that made up this bedroom, that made up _ everything _around her didn’t seem like quite enough to make this whole situation any less tragic.

And yet, no matter how miserable she was, it didn’t matter how many nights she spent awake until the early hours trying to stop the sadness from swallowing her whole, Sana no longer wished she could turn back time and undo that kiss she and Jihyo shared at the Halloween party. It no longer bothered her how complicated life had become, she no longer gave a shit that Jihyo had a clamp on her heart she couldn’t seem to get rid of, because now all Sana wanted was to be with Jihyo wholly and truly, she didn’t want that vice grip Jihyo had on her heart to loosen.

Sana just wished she could tell if Jihyo wanted that as well, or if her heart still belonged to Momo.

That agonising pain she’d felt on those several occasions, starting the night after Sana and Jihyo shared their kiss, hadn’t been felt for a good few weeks; and Sana could only assume that was a good sign.

As Sana lay in bed, stared up at the ceiling of Nayeon’s spare bedroom, she thought about how much had changed since that Halloween night, how similar this night felt when compared to that infamous night that’d changed her entire life forever, but also how different it was. Because in that moment Momo, who was fast asleep lying next to her in bed, started snoring.

So much of the night felt so familiar, but it also felt so completely different - because Jihyo was different.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The colour pink truly was beautiful, it was like nothing she’d ever expected it to be, but it was still already her favourite colour, the second she laid her eyes on it for the first time she fell in love with it.

Pink was the colour of love, it signified romance and affection - all the things missing in Sana’s life, but Sana tried her best not to dwell on that fact too much. It was a mixture of red and white, with it definitely feeling like a slightly less intense red. The colour was still warm, it still exuded passion and energy, but it was slightly calmer, much less dramatic than red; that was probably one of her favourite things about it.

Words couldn’t describe just how pretty the colour was, the excitement bubbling in her chest as she rummaged through her wardrobe and picked out all of the brightly colour garments, unable to hide her happiness at finally being able to see all the colours of the rainbow. The world really felt different when it wasn’t in black and white, no matter how bleak everything seemed at the moment - at least Sana was starting to feel excited about colours again.

She wondered if Jihyo felt the same, couldn’t stop her mind from flitting back to Jihyo - wondering about the girls wellbeing and if she felt the same joy as Sana from finally seeing her favourite colour.

Her phone resting on her desk beside her laptop was far too tempting, the urge to call Jihyo and ask how she was doing was overwhelming, but there were still far too many variables stopping Sana from doing that. The fear she felt at the prospect of Momo being the one to pick up the phone - the fact she had no excuse for calling Jihyo if Momo were to ask was enough for Sana to slide her phone away in order to ward off temptation.

It wasn’t fair, Jihyo wanted them to try to be friends - be more comfortable being around each other platonically - but if this guilt persisted, that was never going to be possible; if her heart didn’t stop skipping a beat everytime Jihyo looked her way, they were never going to be able to be friends.

And yet, Sana didn’t want to be just friends, she wasn’t sure that’d ever be quite enough for her. Sana felt so overwhelmingly selfish, because she didn’t think she could survive around Jihyo if they weren’t lovers. Any possibility of Sana being able to cope with just friends had been thrown out the window the second she looked into Jihyo’s big, beautiful brown eyes for the first time. It wasn’t fair that she had to be the one to settle for less when Jihyo was _ her _soulmate; she should be the one who got to fall asleep next to Jihyo every night and wake up in her arms. Not Momo.

Sana’s mind was constantly at war with itself, because she knew these weren’t feelings she should be having about her best friends girlfriend - the person Momo loved so dearly - but she also knew it wasn’t right her best friend got to sleep with Sana’s soulmate, when she herself didn’t get to.

In a strange way, Sana _ wanted _to feel guilty about Jihyo being her soulmate - at least that would make it easier to let Jihyo go - but now, Sana couldn’t imagine having anyone else as her soulmate. No matter how difficult it made her life, how much it was complicating everything, she didn’t want anyone else as her soulmate.

She could only wish that one day Jihyo would feel the same.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Mina was eyeing Sana cautiously as she sat down in the seat opposite her, as if Sana was doing something out of the ordinary - doing something stupid that Mina disapproved of. Sana furrowed her brows at the girl, pouting slightly in an attempt to get her to explain why she was watching her so strangely.

“You look different, but I can’t tell what’s different about you.” Mina answered her silent question, she sipped her coffee suspiciously with her gaze never leaving Sana. There really was no reason for Sana to be so anxious about what Mina was going to say next. “There’s just something that doesn’t feel quite right, did you do something with your hair?”

“No, I haven’t done anything with it.” Sana replied calmly, if her mother had figured out about her having a soulmate from her mannerisms - it wasn’t too unreasonable to assume Mina could also figure it out. “I was thinking about dyeing it though, getting kind of bored of having dark hair.”

“Dyeing it?” Mina quirked a curious eyebrow at her. “What’s the point in spending money on dyeing your hair if you can’t even see it’s colour?”

“I can see it’s dark grey, if I bleach it then I get to see it much lighter - that’s good enough for me.” Sana explained, silently praising herself for not floundering her reasoning. “Bleaching your hair is a very ‘college student going through an existential crisis’ thing to do, seems appropriate.”

“You’re going through an existential crisis?” Mina asked her a hint of concern in her voice, frowning at her slightly.

“Something like that.” Sana hummed calmly, blowing on her coffee nonchalantly in a silent gesture to show Mina she had nothing to worry about.

“Why bleach your hair though? That’s really bad for your scalp and could badly damage your hair.” Mina reasoned with her, seemingly satisfied she didn’t need to worry about Sana too much. “Why not just do what Jihyo did and chop off half your hair in the middle of the night.”

“No way, I couldn’t possibly pull off a bob cut like Jihyo. I’d look like a poor imitation.” Sana scoffed, as if it was obvious, rolling her eyes at Mina. “I’m sure my scalp will survive, as long as my hair looks cool I don’t really care all that much.”

“Jihyo does look really pretty with her short hair, she mentioned wanting to get it cut a little while ago but I never thought she’d actually go through with it.” Mina mused, a small smile on her lips. “You should’ve seen Momo’s face when she first saw Jihyo with her short hair, I thought she’d have a heart attack.”

“Can’t say I blame her, I nearly went into shock the first time I saw it too.” Sana sighed to herself, her heart clenching uncomfortably in her chest as she thought about Jihyo and how truly stunning she looked with her short hair. She shouldn’t feel so jealous knowing Momo saw Jihyo first, especially not when she knew it was her own fault she hadn’t seen Jihyo until much later into the party. “You better have the same reaction when you see me with my bleached hair for the first time.”

“If it looks bad, I won’t hesitate to tell you.” Mina smirked at her cheekily. “And you better be prepared for Jeongyeon to tease the shit out of you as well, no matter how good it looks.”

“As if I’m scared of Jeongyeon, she can try to make fun of me and see what happens.” Sana winked at Mina, the girl simply sighed and let out a low laugh. “If she gets to be mean to me, I get to fight back.”

“Can you please make sure I’m not there when you first show Jeongyeon your hair, I really don’t want to have to break up yet another fight, it’s Momo’s turn.” Mina pleaded, faux disappointment laced her voice but the smile on her lips gave her away. “Last time I had to break up a tickle war between you and Jeong, I nearly got kicked in the face.”

“You should know how seriously we take our tickle fights by now, it’s best you don’t get involved.” Sana shrugged, clicking her tongue thoughtfully. “You’re not going to try to convince me to not bleach my hair anymore then?”

“I’m not your mother Sana, you can do whatever you want.” Mina chuckled to herself, shaking her head lightly. “I think it’s a bad idea and it can only end poorly, but if you want to bleach your hair there’s nothing I can do to stop you. You’re unbelievably stubborn, and if you want something you usually won’t stop until you get it, no matter how self destructive your efforts may be.”

Something about what Mina said made Sana’s stomach turn, she flinched slightly despite herself. She’d never really thought of herself as stubborn before, and even though she knew there was no possible way Mina knew about what was going on with her and Jihyo, and Momo by association, she couldn’t help but feel like Mina’s comment was directed towards her feelings about that.

“I’m not that stubborn, I’m just usually right and want to make sure you all see just how right I am.” Sana huffed, pouting at Mina dramatically. “I’m going to look great with blonde hair, turn loads of heads, just you wait and see.”

“I’m sure you will, Satang.” Mina rolled her eyes teasingly, small smirk playing on her lips. “Why not just get bangs, like Momo? That’s also a very ‘student going through an existential crisis’ kind of thing to do.”

“Bangs feels like too much of a commitment whilst also being too easy, having bleach blonde hair feels more dramatic; if that makes sense.” Sana explained thoughtfully, Mina was watching her like she was crazy, with that slightly amused smile on her face with an eyebrow raised judgmentally. “Plus, bleaching my hair opens up to the possibility of dyeing it a really bright colour - that’s peak ‘university student mid crisis’.”

“I guess, but there’s _ literally no point _in you dyeing your hair a crazy colour - because you can’t see in colour and can’t see if it looks good or not?” Mina pointed out, frowning at Sana clearly confused and Sana’s heart started pounding against her ribcage at how suspicious Mina looked. “That’s just you damaging your hair so a small number of people at our school can see what it looks like, not including you.”

“That’s exactly why it’s peak university student mid crisis, all you’re doing is making it sound more tempting.” Sana giggled, sipping at her now lukewarm coffee, anxiety still bubbling in her stomach.

“How are you even planning on picking a hair colour if you don’t know what colours look like?” Mina pressed, clearly not satisfied with Sana’s answers.

“I’d likely go to a professional hairdresser if I wanted to get it dyed a bright colour, let them choose what would suit me best.” Sana lied, she already knew exactly what colour she wanted to dye her hair. “Or I’d go to you or Jeong for advice, or pester another soulmate couple. I hear Jihyo’s soulmate friends, Dahyun and Chaeyoung, dye their hair a lot.”

The millisecond after Sana finished speaking, she was already trying to subtly study Mina’s features to gage whether her lies were convincing enough or not. The last thing she needed right now was someone else knowing she had found her soulmate, her mother had not stopped texting her since she’d landed in Seoul; constantly asking about Jihyo and Momo, whether Sana had spoken to either one of them yet and what her plan was for the long term. It took exactly 6 seconds after Sana finished speaking for Mina to shrug slightly, nodding in silent approval, and Sana felt like she could finally breathe again after 6 minutes under water.

“That’s a good point, I guess I’d forgotten you could always just go to a hairdresser.” Mina conceded, seemingly convinced by Sana’s lies. “What will your mom say when she sees?”

“What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, Miguri.” Sana laughed, unbelievably relieved she’d saved herself from spilling everything - but she did her best to not let that show.

“That really feels like your mindset for most things, Sana.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Coffee with Mina had always felt like a free cleanse of Sana’s soul, as if she could ignore everything else for a little while and just enjoy time with her friend. There was just something about Mina that could put her mind at ease, even if only for a couple of hours, and lately those few hours had become something Sana craved and looked forward to more than anything else in the world.

Everything in her life was starting to change, Sana was losing her grip on all the things she’d held so close to her heart as what kept her sane - and the worst part was that she knew she wasn’t doing anything to stop it from happening. Having Mina as a constant was a small thing that made such a big difference on her sanity.

But lately, even that was beginning to change. Having such a huge secret looming over her at all times was exhausting, and having to lie to Mina and come up with so many excuses for all the things she was doing or wanted to do, having to lie about such a huge part of her life to someone who Sana had always believed to be her confidant was draining beyond belief.

She wanted to tell Mina everything, that little voice in her head wouldn’t stop begging her to just open up about all the shit that was going on. Sana so desperately needed Mina’s advice - needed an impartial voice of reason to help her through this living nightmare, to tell her what to do.

But Mina could never know, Sana knew there was no chance she could ever tell Mina about any of what was going on because there was so much at stake. She risked losing everything she held near and dear to her heart if someone found out about her and Jihyo being soulmates.

A part of her still felt as though she was being overdramatic, being overly cautious about who could and couldn’t know that she and Jihyo were soulmates, as there was definitely a possibility of their friends being understanding and respecting their decision to be secretive about the whole ordeal, allowing Sana’s life to continue as normal without losing any of her friends in the process.

But, the ugly reality was that news like that would always force people to pick sides - there was no way for Sana to coexist with Momo and Jihyo forever; it just wasn’t realistic to expect Sana and Jihyo to be able to be around each other all the time without issues arising. For one, Sana had already been struggling with seeing Momo and Jihyo act like a couple around her, and with her recently developed feelings for Jihyo, it was becoming more and more impossible to be around the two when they were together.

The sound of Jihyo’s name passing Momo’s lips had never sounded so hideous.

Momo was already home when Sana got back from coffee with Mina. It was strange to see her at their apartment at this time, on the days she was free from classes she’s usually spend most of her time at Jihyo’s dorm - or out somewhere with the girl - so to see her at their apartment, watching TV near silently was odd. There was a strange feeling in Sana’s gut she couldn’t quite identify, it was one she hadn’t felt before and it didn’t feel right at all.

All the quiet, bitter feelings she’d been feeling about Momo recently were silent, that strange feeling of envy and discomfort was no longer pooling at the base of her throat, and as Sana watched her best friend quietly eat cereal while she sat on their sofa, all she could wonder was what had changed - worry that this was somehow her doing.

The second Momo turned around and faced her, as soon as Sana laid eyes on her expression, her distress was painfully evident. It was crudely masked by an unconvincing smile and a pitiful wave, but Sana knew Momo well enough to be able to see past it all instantly. There was a strange wave of relief that washed over her whole body at the sight, but Sana chalked it up to being relieved she was no longer thinking such negative thoughts about her best friend.

“Hey Momoring, wasn’t expecting to see you here this afternoon.” Sana greeted her casually, almost as if she wasn’t painstakingly studying her best friends face for any sort of indication of anything. “You’re never usually around when I get back from coffee with Mina.”

“Yeah, I know I’m usually with Jihyo at this time but something came up and she’s busy.” Momo shrugged, taking another bite of her cereal. “So I’m gonna be around all day, fortunately for you.”

“You’re so very generous to grace me with your presence.” Sana played along as best she could, but Momo’s words didn’t sit right with her. “Wait, Jihyo’s busy already? Classes haven’t even started up again, what’s got her so busy?”

“Beats me.” Momo scoffed, words muffled by her mouthful of cereal, but it didn’t disgust Sana like it normally would. “She said something about how she had to talk to her sister, but didn’t elaborate on it at all, so I just kind of left her to it.”

“That’s kinda odd, not gonna lie to you Momoring.” Sana frowned slightly, moving to slump down on the sofa next to Momo. “But I’m sure it’s important whatever it is she’s doing, no way would she willingly blow you off if she wasn’t genuinely busy.”

Sana ignored the way her heart clenched at her own words in favour of watching how Momo flinched at what she said, her eyes devoid of any emotion with her lips downturned slightly. Something wasn’t right.

“Yeah, I guess.” Momo monotoned, her brows ever so slightly furrowed as she stared down at her bowl of cereal.

There was a pause, the air between them thick with this strange tension that had never been there before - both of them desperate to say something to break the silence, but unsure of what to say and how to appropriately say it. Sana held her breath, hating how it sounded in the silence, and she could practically hear Momo’s brain ticking.

“Have you spoken to Jihyo recently?” Momo asked nervously, not even looking up from her bowl of cereal as she spoke.

“I spoke to her a bit at the New Year’s party, but beyond that I haven’t spoken to her at all recently.” Sana answered honestly. “Why?”

“There’s just something not right with her at the moment. It’s been like this ever since I got back from home. God, she was acting different whilst I _ was _ at home too; taking ages to reply to my texts, not wanting to FaceTime before bed like we normally do.” Momo explained, Sana could tell from the frantic way she spoke that she’d been desperate to talk about this with someone. “I wish I knew what it was but she just refuses to talk about it, keeps telling me she’s fine. She’s keeping something from me, I can just _ feel _it.”

“What do you think it is?” Sana inquired gently, trying to hide her panic from her tone and remain as nonchalant as possible, her heart beating so erratically in her chest she was worried it was audible.

“I have no idea, she won’t give anything up. I have no idea what’s going on in that girls head.” Momo sighed, biting down on her lower lip _ hard _.

“I’m really sorry, Momoring, I wish I could help.” Sana comforted her as best she could, her anxiety through the roof as she tried to figure out what to do.

“Do you think you could talk to her?” Momo queried hopefully. “Try to figure out what’s going on with her, because I know I’m not just being paranoid - something definitely isn’t right.”

“I don’t know Momo, what makes you think she’ll open up to _ me _ of all people?” Sana pointed out, wincing slightly when she saw how dejected Momo looked. “Wouldn’t Mina or Nayeon be better? Nayeon and her are best friends, and Mina is the _ best _at getting people to admit stuff.”

“Nayeon would never tell me what was going on with Jihyo, even if she did know. And, anyway, I genuinely think you’ve got the best shot at getting her to open up _ because _you’re not all that close.” Momo reasoned with her desperately, Sana could physically feel herself caving in. “Please Sana, I’m beyond desperate at this point. I just want to fix whatever is wrong, and I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Admittedly, Sana had been secretly desperate to see Jihyo again. Her heart ached at the thought of the girl, and she’d become convinced that the only remedy was being with Jihyo herself. But, she didn’t want to have to spend time with her like this. Meeting up with her soulmate in order to find out why her soulmate was avoiding their girlfriend was far from her idea of fun - and definitely felt like the opposite of a cure to the pain in her heart.

There was no way of doing this where it would end positively for Sana, but this was for Momo.

“Okay, I’ll text her and see what I can do.”

  
  
  


Sana [19:12pm]

hey jihyo, it’s sana

just thought i’d check in

see how you’re doing

it’s been a while since we spoke

so

Jihyo [19:14pm]

we spoke at new years its not

been that long lmao

but im doing good, how are

you? 

Sana [19:15pm]

im doing good

tired already and school hasn’t

even started yet lol

Jihyo [19:16pm]

yeah lol me too

why did you message me sana?

Sana [19:16pm]

just wanted to have a chat

that’s all

isn’t that what friends do?

Jihyo [19:17pm]

you’ve never once shown any

interest in being my friend sana

even before we knew we were

soulmates you always hated me

Sana [19:17pm]

i never hated you jihyo

Jihyo [19:17pm]

sure did make it seem like you did

Sana [19:18pm]

i know and im sorry about that

listen can we meet up for coffee

or something?

we need to talk, in person

Jihyo [19:19pm]

yeah sure, why not

you free thursday, like 1pm?

Sana [19:19pm]

that works for me

Jihyo [19:20pm]

same coffee shop as last time

that okay for you?

Sana [19:21pm]

whatever works best for you

i really don't mind

Jihyo [19:21pm]

cool cool

make sure you’re ‘perfectly punctual’

Sana [19:21pm]

i will dw, see you x

  
  


Sana stared at that little kiss at the end of her text as if it was the worst thing in the universe, it felt equivalent to her outright asking Jihyo to fuck her. Her heart thudded in her chest as she anxiously waited for Jihyo to see the text, for something so minute it sure did make Sana feel as though she was awaiting her judgement, all she’d done was send a text to a ‘friend’ but she already felt guilty.

The little ‘read’ sign popped up and Sana’s heart was in her throat. This was the moment where Jihyo sent a screenshot of the text to Momo, proclaiming that Sana was flirting with her and trying to steal Jihyo away from Momo - which was only half true - and then Sana would have to plead with Momo to not hate her and just understand she’d done it by accident.

Those 3 dots popped up, Jihyo was typing back. Every possible response flashed through Sana’s mind in milliseconds, ranging from paragraphs of accusatory words to simple one word answers. Jihyo had been typing for a while now, over 20 seconds, and Sana was starting to fear the worst.

Jihyo [19:21pm]

see ya x

Oh.

  
  
  


The singular day that separated Sana arranging to meet Jihyo and her actually meeting up with her was long and arduous. Every millisecond was spent with Jihyo running laps around Sana’s mind as she tried to decide what she was even going to say to the girl, trying to decipher why she’d even decided to _ meet _ with the girl in the first place. There was no question she wanted to see Jihyo, as no matter how much she hated seeing Jihyo with Momo, somehow it was better than not seeing Jihyo at all.

Jihyo had become somewhat elusive since the New Year’s party, Momo had been exceedingly impressed that Sana had managed to arrange a meetup with Jihyo at all - as even Momo herself had struggled to pin Jihyo down, even for an hour. Something wasn’t right, it didn’t take a genius to see that something had changed within Jihyo’s head and everything was falling away as a result.

Sana had just never expected that Momo wouldn’t be something she’d cling onto.

It’d been a week since New Year’s, a whole week since they’d last seen Jihyo and it was taking a toll on Momo. The girl was snappier than usual, would spend all day just lying on the sofa doing nothing, ignoring Sana’s attempts to get her to vacate her spot and then angrily shutting down all of Jeongyeon’s attempts to cheer her up. Sana had never seen Momo liked this, and it was more than a little bit concerning.

That small part of Sana’s brain was silently rejoicing the apparent troubles Jihyo and Momo were going through, but Sana did everything in her power to shut it up for once so she could focus her energy on comforting her best friend; but it was really difficult to when Momo didn’t seem to want to do anything but stare at Jihyo’s instagram, spending extended amounts of time studying every single photo Jihyo had posted of the pair of them together.

Sana wanted to be selfish and utilise her private meetup with Jihyo to try to get her to breakup with Momo once and for all, but as she watched her best friend mope around their apartment as if she’d lost a war and was suffering from countless injuries, she knew there was no way she could do that; at least not now.

Jihyo had been right, Momo wore a lot of pink.

The girl couldn’t see anything but black and white, yet almost 80% of her wardrobe seemed to consist of varying shades of pink. The colour suited her, there was no denying that the colour looked amazing on her, but Sana couldn’t help that twinge of resentment she felt in her stomach every time Momo trudged out of her bedroom wearing yet another pink sweatshirt.

Being around Momo was becoming more and more complicated, it was getting more and more difficult to decipher how Sana truly felt about her - where she stood on their friendship.

She adored Momo more than she could put into words, but it was getting harder to be around her.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The coffee shop was surprisingly quiet for a Thursday afternoon, Sana had been worried about it being too busy for her and Jihyo to get a table, and had therefore shown up at the coffee shop almost a full 30 minutes earlier than they’d originally agreed on. But the place was nearly empty save for a few other customers dotted around the cafe.

It felt as though Sana spent a lot of her time waiting for Jihyo lately, whether that be in the literal or figurative sense, but Sana knew she’d wait forever if she had to.

Time ticked on slower than Sana had imagined possible, it was almost unbearable how long each second felt, she just wanted to see Jihyo again so they could talk and she could begin to understand what was going on - find out why Jihyo was acting so out of the ordinary - because all she wanted to do was fix it. Sana couldn’t decide if she wanted for things to go back to normal or not, but she definitely couldn’t stand them remaining as they were currently.

It was almost 1pm on the dot when someone strolled into the cafe, the small bell on the door ringing softly as they entered.

They were the first person to enter in the past 10 minutes, so Sana’s first reaction was to sit bolt upright under the assumption it was likely Jihyo, trying to maneuver herself so she was easier for Jihyo to spot. But the second she locked eyes on the back of the person’s head, she frowned to herself dejectedly - for there was no way that could be Jihyo.

Whilst they definitely matched Jihyo’s height, the oversized black hoodie with the hood up was like nothing Sana had ever seen Jihyo wear before - even the way the person held themselves was nothing like Jihyo. Sana slumped back in her seat grumpily, outwardly frustrated that Jihyo hadn’t arrived yet and was now officially late. She down stared at her mug of coffee pouting slightly as she huffed childishly.

Another mug of coffee was delicately set down on the table in front of her as someone took the seat facing her. Sana jolted slightly, sitting bolt upright ready to tell whoever it was to move as she was awaiting company, but the words were caught in her throat the second she laid eyes on the girl in front of her.

She’d never seen someone look so tired and _ broken _ in her entire life.

Jihyo stared back at her, eyes lidded and devoid of any emotion, with the hood of her sweatshirt up, it barely covering her mussed hair. There were deep bags under her beautiful brown eyes, it looked like she hadn’t slept in days and Sana could only sigh pitifully as she continued to study the girls features. Her lips were dry and chapped, Sana allowing herself more than a few seconds to stare at them shamefully, convincing herself she was looking at them out of concern and nothing more. Even Jihyo’s beautiful tanned skin had lost some of its colour.

If she hadn’t been worried before, she definitely was now.

“Hey, how are you?” Jihyo croaked out, her voice rough and quiet.

“I’m doing okay.” Sana responded with a hint of uncertainty, her eyes still studying Jihyo’s face carefully. “How are you?”

“Bit tired, but other than that I’m fine.” Jihyo answered monotonously, gently lifting her mug of coffee and blowing on it gently.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Sana pressed lightly, spurred on by how Jihyo didn’t even react to her question. “Because you definitely don’t look fine.”

“Saying I look ugly?” Jihyo hummed, eyeing Sana teasingly as she cautiously sipped her coffee.

“Those are your words not mine.” Sana shrugged, raising her hands defensively and smiling to herself when she heard Jihyo chuckle. “No but seriously, you look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“That’s probably because I haven’t.” Jihyo grumbled, punctuating her statement with a yawn. “I’ve just been really busy the past week, haven’t really had time.”

“Busy? What have you been doing?” Sana asked, not missing the way something in Jihyo’s eyes glimmered at her question. “School doesn’t start until Monday, what’s got you so busy?”

“Personal stuff, you wouldn’t understand.” Jihyo stated simply, shrugging slightly as she continued to sip at her scalding hot coffee.

“Try me.”

“No offence Sana, but it really isn’t any of your business and I don’t want to talk about it with anyone other than my family, right now.” Jihyo replied quickly and seriously, looking up from her drink to shoot Sana a look that very clearly told her the topic was off limits. “All you need to know is that I’m dealing with it, but it’s very time consuming.”

“Right, got it.” Sana conceded, bobbing her head slightly as she clicked her tongue awkwardly - unsure of what to say next. “Sorry for asking.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m not mad at you.” Jihyo reassured her casually, pausing for a second holding her mug millimetres from her lips as she released a steady breath. “I’ve never been mad at you, Sana. I know you’re mad at me a lot, but I want you to know I’ve never _ ever _been angry at you.”

That sparkle in Jihyo’s eyes was back, but it didn’t shine as bright and joyous as it had before. As Jihyo stared at Sana with those big brown eyes that seemed to bore into her soul, eyes searching for some sort of understanding from Sana, not a single word seemed to enter Sana’s mind. It wasn’t the first time Jihyo had rendered her speechless.

“I know, I’m sorry I make you feel so shitty all the time.” Sana responded, her voice quiet and shameful as she gazed into Jihyo’s eyes. “I don’t know why I do it, I think it’s just a defence mechanism.”

“It’s okay, I understand.” Jihyo hummed calmly, gently setting her coffee mug down on the table in front of them. “I mean, you did make me feel really shitty but I don’t blame you.”

“Honestly, sometimes it’s just really hard to see you with Momo.” Sana admitted tiredly, slumping back in her chair defeatedly. “And it sucks, because Momo is my best friend and I guess we’re kind of friends now, so I really want to be happy for you two but… I just can’t”

Jihyo visibly stiffened at the mention of Momo’s name and Sana could see her breathing start to pick up, her eyes twitching slightly as she fiddled with her hands. It looked like Jihyo was about to start crying.

“Are you okay? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Sana apologised quickly sitting bolt upright in her seat, attempting fruitlessly to meet Jihyo’s gaze. “Jihyo?”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have said that.” Jihyo commented, her voice hoarse and strained as if she was physically forcing back tears.

“Is everything okay with you and Momo? She’s really worried about you, Jihyo.” Sana inquired gently, reaching out to hold Jihyo’s hand.

The last thing she expected was for Jihyo to suddenly stand up from her seat and start to move away, almost as if she was scrambling to get away from Sana. She yanked her hands away from Sana’s, and only then did Sana notice just how violently Jihyo was physically shaking.

“What goes on between Momo and I is none of your _ fucking business, _ Sana.” Jihyo hissed, Sana wanted to be frustrated and angry but she could see the tears start to pour from Jihyo’s eyes and all she could feel was concern. “I’ll see you later, it was great seeing you.”

Sana couldn’t do anything but sit there and watch in shock and disbelief as Jihyo practically bolted out of the coffee shop, the girl wiping at her eyes frantically as tears rolled down her cheeks. It had all been going so well, and it had taken less than a minute for everything to fall apart and for Jihyo to break.

As Sana stared at Jihyo’s half finished coffee, countless thoughts ran through her head; what the fuck was she supposed to tell Momo, and how on earth was she going to fix this?

* * *

  
  


The way Momo perked up on the sofa the second she appeared in the living room after coffee with Jihyo was unbelievably heartbreaking - she hadn’t seen Momo look this excited all week and now she had to tell her it had gone really badly, and that everything had fallen apart the second she’d mentioned Momo’s name. Sana gazed into her best friends wide, hopeful brown eyes and tried her best to silently convey how poorly their meetup had gone.

The day was barely halfway done, and it had already been nothing but disappointments, and the way Momo’s eyes faulterd, gaze shifting from Sana to the floor, as she visibly released a shaky exhale perfectly encapsulated Sana’s feelings as well.

“I’m sorry, Momo.” Sana sighed sadly, moving to sit down next to her best friend on the sofa and take her into her arms. “I promise I tried.”

“I know, it’s not your fault.” Momo murmured sadly, nuzzling against Sana’s shoulder as she tried to steady her breathing. “I should’ve known it went badly because you’ve barely been gone an hour.”

“I don’t know what happened, one second we were just talking and it was fine, and then the next she was storming out.” Sana lied, she knew exactly what had happened, but it felt cruel and insensitive to tell Momo what had been said to drastically change Jihyo’s mood. “She really _ is _ a confusing one.”

“What did you talk about? Did you find out why she’s being so distant and weird?” Momo questioned timidly, looking up at Sana expectantly.

“We just talked about… stuff.” Sana answered, furrowing her brows slightly as she tried to think back to what had just happened. “I apologised for being rude to her when you two first started dating, she accepted my apology. I did ask what was going on and why she was so busy and she just instantly shut me down, said it was personal and none of my business.”

“Oh, okay.” Momo muttered under her breath, huffing quietly to herself. “Thank you for apologising to her, I know you weren’t cold with her on purpose.”

“Yeah, right.” Sana winced slightly, knowing full well she’d gone to extreme lengths to shut Jihyo out completely on purpose - but that didn’t really matter right now.

“It’s only been a week since I last saw her and I already miss her like fucking _ crazy _ .” Momo whimpered quietly, Sana could feel her heart throbbing in her chest as she listened to how devastated Momo sounded. “And I know it’s ridiculous, and I must sound so clingy right now, but I just love her _ so much _, Sana. She’s one of the best people I’ve ever met and not being around her fucking sucks.”

“I know, but I think you just need to give her a little bit of space right now, Momo.” Sana comforted her softly, trying her best to ignore the way it felt like her heart was folding in on itself in her chest - it hadn’t hurt this much in a while, and the lump in her throat was so big it felt like it was constricting her breath. “She seems to be dealing with a lot right now, she’s not sleeping because she’s so preoccupied with dealing with whatever is going on.”

Momo only sniffled in response, turning her head more fully into Sana’s shoulder and wetting Sana’s shirt with her tears. She could almost hear Momo’s heart thudding dully against her ribcage, but it wasn’t quite audible of the sound of Momo crying.

“There’s no doubt in my mind she still loves you and wants to be with you, she just needs some time to get her head back together.” Sana stated earnestly, no matter how much it physically broke her to say it - she knew it was what Momo needed to hear.

“Did she talk about me?” Momo spoke barely above her whisper, her tone laced with the kind of hopefulness Sana couldn’t bear to ruin.

“No.” Sana lied. “She stormed out before I could ask about you.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Nayeon really suited the colour red.

There was just something about how the colour that fit her perfectly. It didn’t matter what the item of clothing was, as long as it was red it would always look amazing on her. The way the bold, vibrant yet rich colour looked against her pale skin and jet black hair never failed to look stunning and completely captivate Sana’s attention. Even in a dimly lit bar she stood out.

“Is there something wrong with my dress?” Nayeon’s cautious voice cut through Sana’s thoughts, Sana blinked rapidly and looked up to meet Nayeon’s eyes as if she’d not done anything at all.

“What?”

“My dress, is there something wrong with it?” Nayeon reiterated, frowning at Sana slightly, clearly confused. “You were staring at me.”

“Oh! No, your dress is fine, sorry, I didn’t even realise I was staring.” Sana clarified quickly, a light flush tingeing her cheeks at the realisation she had indeed been staring for seemingly no reason. “It just looks really good on you, that’s all, I really like it.”

“Thank you, my dear.” Nayeon sang happily, smirking and striking a pose to properly show off how well the dress hugged her figure. “Got it on sale in Urban Outfitters, can you believe it?”

“No, it looks really good on you. I can’t believe that’s from Urban Outfitters.” Sana chuckled, linking arms with Nayeon to drag her to the bar. “I’ll have to start shopping there more often it seems.”

“They’ve got some really nice stuff there, but it’s honestly only worth going if there’s a sale - otherwise you end up spending like well over 200,000won on stuff you can get for like 50,000.”

“I’ll remember that, thank you.” Sana hummed contentedly, leaning on the bar and batting her eyelids at the bartender as she ordered 2 double vodka and lemonades, she’d never had to put so little effort into getting free drinks before.

“Okay, tell me.” Nayeon started as soon as they took their seats in front of the bar, she was eyeing Sana with that look, and Sana immediately knew what was coming. “What’s going on with your love life, Satang?”

“Absolutely nothing is going on with my love life, you know this.” Sana sighed with a roll of her eyes, it was a partial lie - but enough of a truth she didn’t feel too guilty saying it.

“Exactly my point, I refuse to let you have such a boring love life when you’re _ this _hot.” Nayeon stated matter-of-factly, shoving Sana’s shoulder gently when the girl started to laugh at her. “I’m serious! You have no idea how disappointed in you I was when you didn’t kiss a single person at my New Year’s party when the clock struck midnight.”

“There was no one there I wanted to kiss.” Sana shrugged, another lie - she’d spent the better part of 20 minutes just staring at Jihyo’s lips, both before and after she watched Momo kiss them, wanting nothing more than to feel them against her own once again. “I’m not just gonna kiss someone I don’t like just because it’s New Years.”

“But it’s tradition Sana! Plus, most importantly, LOTS of people wanted to kiss you.” Nayeon continued enthusiastically, seemingly spurred on by how Sana rolled her eyes at her. “There were at least 6 girls who were asking me if you were single because they wanted to kiss you.”

“Sorry to disappoint, Nayeon, but kissing strangers really isn’t my idea of fun.” Sana laughed exasperatedly, making a point of rolling her eyes at her friend again to show her how ridiculous she thought she was being.

“But you’re the last single person in our group, other than me, so it’s my job to wingwoman you!” Nayeon protested, pouting at Sana overdramatically in a fruitless attempt to get pity from the girl. It was almost comical. “Stop being so lame and let me help you get laid.”

“I’ve already told you, I’m waiting for my soulmate, sorry.” Sana pointed out, sipping her drink - suddenly much more keen on getting drunk than she had been 5 minutes ago. “I’d rather my first time be with my soulmate than just some random girl you set me up with, no offence Nayeon.”

“None was taken until you said that.” Nayeon huffed grumpily. “I don’t know why you’re so adamantly against me hooking you up with someone though, I’m an excellent matchmaker - or have you forgotten that I’m the person who set Momo and Jihyo up?”

“You may not be able to use that one as one of your matchmaking successes for much longer.” Sana grumbled under breath, she really hadn’t meant for it to be audible but the way Nayeon was eyeing her told her she’d definitely heard her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nayeon scoffed incredulously, looking at Sana as if she was crazy and Sana had to bite her tongue to resist the overwhelming urge to just spill _ everything _. “Those two are disgustingly in love. You live with Momo, you of all people should know this.”

“It’s not my place to speculate, but they haven’t seen each other all week and Jihyo is being distant and weird with Momo.” Sana defended herself as best she could, trying to stop herself from sounding hopeful. “I’m not saying for sure they’re gonna breakup, but things aren’t looking too good and Momo definitely sees it too.”

“It’s _ definitely _ not your place to speculate, you’re right about that Sana.” Nayeon near snapped at her, immediately recoiling slightly as soon as the words left her mouth. “Look, there’s just a whole lot going on right now, I don’t know the full extent because Jihyo won’t tell me anything, but I know for a fact it has nothing to do with Momo.”

“Well, Jihyo really needs to tell Momo that - because Momo doesn’t seem to believe me when I tell her.” Sana sighed, taking a big gulp of her drink and wincing slightly as the vodka burned her throat, but it burned a whole lot nicer than the burn of the bile that was slowly crawling up her throat the more they talked about Momo and Jihyo together. “Hate seeing her so mopey, it doesn’t suit her.”

“It doesn’t suit Jihyo either.” Nayeon grumbled, downing her drink in a mere few gulps and signalling for the bartender to bring her another. “Anyway, back to more pressing matters: I am absolutely positive I could find the perfect woman for you who you would want to fuck.”

“There’s just no way you could do that.” Sana outwardly laughed at that, the overly confident smirk on Nayeon’s lips making her laugh even harder. It was a bittersweet comment however, because Nayeon had already found the perfect woman for Sana, she just didn’t know she had. “I’m extremely picky, I do not believe for one second you could find me ‘the perfect woman who I’d want to fuck’.”

“Never underestimate me Minatozaki, that’s your first mistake.” Nayeon protested melodramatically, but her tone was lighthearted and joking. “If I found you the perfect girl, do you promise you’d at least make an attempt at getting to know her?”

“Sure,” Sana shrugged, rolling her eyes and chuckling when Nayeon started cheering in triumph, “but you’re not going to find me the ‘perfect girl’, so I’ve got nothing to lose by agreeing.”

“That’s where you’re wrong Minatozaki.” Nayeon disagreed confidently, she was that evil smirk yet again - Sana could tell she was already scheming. “The Son’s are having a party tomorrow night, the last big one before classes start up again.”

“I’m aware, Seungwan already invited me.” Sana interrupted, giggling at how Nayeon shot her a disapproving look.

“As I was saying, I know for a fact there’s gonna be a lot of very pretty, very single girls there who would love to meet you.” Nayeon continued. “And I’m willing to bet there’s going to be at least one who will peak your interest.”

“I guess we’ll have to see, because I’m pretty confident that, unless they’re my soulmate, I won’t be persuaded.” Sana hummed confidently. “I’m willing to bet money you’re not gonna succeed in playing matchmaker, Im.”

“Oh, you’re so _ on _.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Momo and Jeongyeon were already up and making breakfast when Sana trudged out of her bedroom, it was nearing 11am and she was still disgustingly hungover. Most of the night was a blur, not remembering much beyond midnight other than her and Nayeon somehow managing to convince the bouncer of some club that they definitely _ weren’t _too drunk to go inside. But, she remembered every word of her conversation with Nayeon in that bar, the guilt she felt knowing how adamant she’d been that her best friend’s relationship was nearing its end - and how relieved she’d felt at that thought.

She could see Jeongyeon’s shit eating grin from a mile away, and immediately knew the girl was going to try and annoy her; truly Jeongyeon had no idea how lucky she was that she was dating Mina, because had she not been Sana would’ve definitely not kept her around this long - Sana even making sure to inform Jeongyeon of this fact nearly daily.

“Good morning sleepyhead, you truly look like shit this morning.” Jeongyeon chirpsed loudly, waving at Sana happily as the girl sat at their dining room table.

“Fuck off Jeong, you know I’m hungover.” Sana fired back grumpily, pulling her the hood of her sweatshirt over her head and pouting at Jeongyeon who just laughed at her.

“Can’t believe you went clubbing last night when we’re going to a party tonight anyway.” Momo called over to her, far too preoccupied with whisking eggs to look over at her. “Your liver is going to _ hate _you sunday morning.”

“Well, that’s future me’s problem, I’ll deal with that on sunday.” Sana responded casually, smiling to herself smugly when both Momo and Jeongyeon started laughing. “Blame Nayeon, she’s the one who wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed to go on a night out with her.”

“You do know she’s only pestering you about nights out because you’re the only other person in this group that’s still single.” Jeongyeon pointed out, taking the seat opposite Sana.

“She really doesn’t even bother asking me or Jeong anymore because we’ll just say no.” Momo added on, Sana could hear the smirk in her voice.

“Fuck you guys, can’t believe having girlfriends has aged you like 20 years and you’re boring now.” Sana huffed frustratedly. “My liver can’t cope with Nayeon nights out, someone else has to step up next time.”

“No way, she’s your problem Sana.” Jeongyeon chuckled. “We both have wonderful girlfriends who we have to look after, you get to look after Nayeon.”

“Everytime we go out she spends half the night trying to set me up with someone, or at least trying to convince me to go home with someone, and then the other half ditching me to make out with someone.” Sana whined, covering her face with her hands in annoyance.

“Why _ don’t _ you let her set you up with someone? It can’t hurt, can it?” Momo questioned, leaning her head over the kitchen counter to raise an eyebrow at Sana.

“Well yeah, potentially.” Sana stated confidently, frowning when both Jeongyeon and Momo looked at her skeptically. “Whatever, that’s not the point. What’s got you in such a good mood anyway, Momoring, you’ve been sulky all week?”

“Jihyo is going to be at the party tonight, I’m finally going to get to see her again after over a week.” Momo practically sang, she was smiling so genuinely and widely - it made Sana feel sick with guilt. “So I’m in a good mood.”

“Stop changing the subject, why won’t you let Nayeon set you up with someone.” Jeongyeon interjected before Sana could say anything, looking at her suspiciously. “I know Nayeon may not seem like it, but she’s actually pretty good at setting people up from what I’ve heard. I mean, she worked wonders with Momo and Jihyo.”

“Momo and Jihyo don’t count because she accidentally set them up, she didn’t know Momo would be so smitten with her.” Sana pointed out, Jeongyeon just scoffing and rolling her eyes at her. “And, I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.”

“Yeah, but why not? Having a girlfriend it great, _ trust me _.” Momo piped up, Sana really wanted this conversation to end.

“Because I don’t, I’m perfectly happy staying single and focussing on my studies.” Sana reiterated, unable to hide the bitterness and frustration in her tone, sighing when she saw Momo visibly flinch at her words. “I don’t want to get into this again, let’s change the subject. I want to bleach my hair before the party and I’m going to need you two to help me do it.”

“Bleach your hair? Why?” Jeongyeon asked, looking puzzled.

“I don’t know, I’ve always wanted blonde hair and now seems like as good a time as any.” Sana explained with a shrug, acting as if her answer was obvious.

“But you can’t even _ see _what blonde hair looks like, so what’s the point?” Momo queried, pointing her whisk at her with a befuddled look on her face. “You’re just damaging your hair for no reason.”

“I can’t see blonde as a colour, but I’ll be able to see that it’s lighter - and that’s good enough for me to be honest.” Sana pointed out. “Look, I already got the disapproving talk from Mina and I still want to bleach it, so can we just skip past you trying to convince me that it's a bad idea and just do it?”

Momo and Jeongyeon turned to each other, silently discussing with each other their stance on what they wanted to do as Sana watched them and rolled her eyes.

“Do we need to go to the store to buy the bleach?” Momo inquired, narrowing her eyes at Sana.

“No, I bought it the other day on the way back from coffee with Mina.” Sana answered casually.

“Okay we’ll do it, but only because we really want to see how you’ll look with blonde hair.” Jeongyeon conceded, giggling at Sana as she cheered happily.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Getting Jeongyeon and Momo to bleach her hair absolutely hadn’t been her wisest decision she’d ever made. Momo not being able to see in colour meant the first 15 minutes had been spent with Jeongyeon and Momo passionately arguing over whether or not Momo should even be involved in the actual bleaching process - all while Sana sat on a stool in their tiny bathroom watching them fight and rethinking all of her life choices.

In the end they’d decided that Jeongyeon would do the bleaching and Momo would just stand to the side and read out any information when necessary. It took well over 20 minutes for Jeongyeon to properly cover Sana’s hair with the dye, and Jeongyeon had managed to find something to complain about for the whole time she was bleaching Sana’s hair; most often switching between how much hair Sana had, and the fact she could be hanging out with Mina right now instead of ‘aiding in her roommates existential crisis’.

But, despite their rocky start and how much time had been wasted with Jeongyeon complaining and threatening to stop, and thus leave Sana’s hair patchy, the end product was everything Sana had been hoping for - it looked _ surprisingly _good.

Both Jeongyeon and Momo had agreed she suited blonde hair, and that was how Sana knew for certain that it looked good - Jeongyeon was always completely honest with her, and she knew that if it looked bad Jeongyeon would be the first person to tell her; but with how shamelessly Jeong was bragging about how good a job she’d done, it was clear she liked it. Sana couldn’t stop smiling as she stared at her reflection, periodically tilting her head so she could look at it from a slightly different angle, near giddy with excitement at the thought of people seeing her with blonde hair at the party.

Sana wasn’t sure she’d ever gotten ready so quickly before, usually she’d spend at least 30 minutes deciding on an outfit, it’d gotten even harder to choose what to wear as she started seeing colour, because now she had the possibility of her outfit’s colours clashing to worry about; but Sana was dressed with a full face of makeup on in under an hour; impressing both Jeongyeon and Momo.

“I’ve never seen you so excited to go to a party before.” Jeongyeon chuckled, sitting at their dining room table as she carefully applied her makeup. “It’s not even as if it’s gonna be _ that _amazing, it’s just a pretty standard houseparty.”

“I’m just really excited to see everyone again and show them my new blonde hair.” Sana hummed happily, rocking slightly in her seat as she scrolled through her phone aimlessly. “It does look good right? It looks good in black and white, it does look okay in colour too?”

“Sana it looks great trust me, I did an amazing job.” Jeongyeon reassured her, rolling her eyes at her own reflection in her mirror. “If it looked bad I would have told you, you definitely look good blonde.”

“Okay good, I’d be really disappointed if it looked bad.” Sana sighed happily. “I really want to look good tonight, so if my hair looked like shit that’d make it really hard.”

“Wanting to look good for someone in particular? Are you finally warming up to the idea of Nayeon setting you up with someone?” Jeongyeon teased, pointing her mascara at Sana accusatorily. “Or is there someone at the party you want to impress already?”

“Fuck off, Jeong.” Sana grumbled, her cheeks tinged a light pink out of embarrassment. There was going to be someone at the party she wanted to impress, someone she wanted to look good for, but she was never going to be able to admit that outloud.

“Oh my god! There totally is, look at you you’re blushing!”

“I’m not blushing, shut the fuck up.” Sana hissed, narrowing her eyes at Jeongyeon threateningly. “I just want to look nice for myself, I have zero interest in getting it on anyone tonight.”

“What a waste honestly.” Jeongyeon sighed, tutting at Sana disappointedly. “Mina and I both agreed that you really need to get laid at least once, we both think it’ll help you relax.”

“I don’t need to have sex to relax, I need a less nosy roommate.” Sana retorted teasingly, eyeing Jeongyeon pointedly. “I will never get everyone’s obsession with my love life, I’m perfectly happy being single and focussing on myself.”

“Firstly, our obsession is with your _ lack _ of a love life.” Jeongyeon started, unable to force back the devilish grin that spread across her features. “And second of all, we _ do _genuinely care about you Sana - a lot - and it doesn’t take a genius to see that you haven’t been happy the past few months. We don’t know why, and we’re not about to demand answers from you, but Mina and I just figured that you getting a girlfriend could help at least a little bit.”

The gesture was really sweet, and Sana truly was touched by their genuinely good intentions, but Sana just didn’t want them to set her up with some random girl; she didn’t want a girlfriend. All she wanted was Jihyo, she just wanted her soulmate, the girl she loved, but she couldn’t have her so she’d rather have no one. Sana gazed at Jeongyeon sadly, the girl mirroring her expression back at her, only with more pity.

She could feel that dull thud against her ribcage again as Sana mulled over the possibility of her telling Jeongyeon everything. It felt as though this was something she thought about on a near daily basis; pondering the repercussions of telling people about her and Jihyo. Sana had never been good at keeping secrets, least of all secrets of her own, so to say it was eating her alive felt like an understatement. She just craved some form of relief, telling her mother had done nothing to lift the weight off her shoulders, for her mother was still in Japan whilst she was in Korea, and Sana so desperately _ needed _to get this secret off her chest.

But she couldn’t, she knew it wasn’t an option.

Sana wondered if Jihyo felt like this too, if she also felt burdened by the weight of their secret, if she also felt trapped in her own head. She hoped not.

“I appreciate your concern Jeong, I honestly didn’t realise you cared this much about me.” Sana started, chuckling to herself lightly.

“Of course I do, Satang. You’re one of my best friends.” Jeongyeon interrupted Sana before she could continue, Sana smiled softly to herself as she looked over at Jeongyeon’s concerned, but loving, expression.

“I didn’t know you were so worried about me, but trust me Jeong, I’m doing okay. It was just a blip, and I definitely don’t need a girlfriend.” Sana continued, she was lying through her teeth but she knew Jeongyeon couldn’t tell. “You guys are really funny and sweet trying to set me up with people, but you really don’t have to. I’m fine.”

“Good luck convincing Nayeon to stop trying to set you up with people.” Jeongyeon giggled, seemingly satisfied with Sana’s words. “I promise Mina and I will lay off, but you know what Nayeon is like when she gets an idea in her head.”

“I’m sure she’ll lay off eventually, she’s bound to get bored sometime soon and find something else to do; someone else to bother.” Sana laughed. “I’ll talk to her tonight though, hopefully I’ll be able to catch her before she gets _ too _wasted, and then this’ll be the last party she tries to play matchmaker at.”

“If it is, you know she’s definitely going to go all out.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


By the time they got to the party Sana was already far too drunk, way more drunk than anyone should ever get from pre-drinks, and it truly was a miracle she was still able to stand and walk around without falling over. Her intention had been to drink a little bit more than she usually would before they left, the anxiety bubbling in her chest had left her desperate for some liquid courage, but the more she’d drunk the more she’d gotten into her own head - and thus the more anxious she’d feel.

It seemed as though drunk Sana could only think about Jihyo, but then again that wasn’t too different from sober Sana either.

Not even Mina excitedly gushing about her blonde hair had calmed her nerves, norbeen enough to distract her from all her thoughts about Jihyo. Sana had found herself so lost in her own head that she didn’t even register when they left the apartment, didn’t realise they weren’t still sat on their sofa until she felt the cold air hit her face as they exited their uber outside Seungwan’s house.

It was just after 10pm and the house was very much alive with music and movement. There were people already laid out in Seungwan’s front garden, hollering at them excitedly as they walked up the driveway. Jeongyeon was eyeing them angrily, Mina tightening her grip around Jeong’s waist as they passed them, both clearly angry at something they’d said, but Sana couldn’t make out a single word that was being said - it just sounded like white noise.

Momo disappeared the second they walked through the front door, a mumbled excuse about wanting to find Jihyo before vanishing into the crowds of people. A part of Sana’s still functioning mind wanted so badly to follow her, allow Momo to lead her to Jihyo as well, but then a hand enclosed around her wrist and she was being whisked away herself. Realistically, it could be anyone’s hand holding her wrist with an ironclad grip, but equally, Sana knew there was only one person it could be.

“There’s someone I want you to meet, I think I’ve found your perfect girl.” Nayeon shouted at her over the blaring music - barely audible but just loud enough that Sana could make it out. “You look fucking _ hot _with your lighter hair by the way, I almost didn’t recognise you.”

If she wanted to, Sana knew she could very easily pry Nayeon’s hand off her wrist, dig her feet into the floor to stop Nayeon from being able to drag her or even just scream and vehemently protest meeting whoever this girl was - Sana already knew she wasn’t going to be her ‘perfect girl’ after all - but instead Sana let it happen. She let Nayeon navigate the pair effortlessly through crowds of people with practiced ease, it was almost as if she was parting the Red Sea the way people would just move out of Nayeon’s way.

“I can sense your hesitance, but trust me, I think you’re really gonna like this girl.” Nayeon added, seemingly dragging Sana’s thoughts from her head the second they entered the kitchen. “She’s really pretty, smart, funny, caring- ”

“Sounds almost like you want to get with her.” Sana interrupted teasingly, her words were slurred and she shamelessly giggled at her own joke despite Nayeon’s disapproving look.

“Jesus christ, you’re already hammered.” Nayeon groaned, rolling her eyes and pinching the skin between her brows as she took a deep breath. “Whatever, you’re probably going to be more cooperative now than you would be sober.”

“Fuck off, I’m always very cooperative and helpful.” Sana refuted, stumbling over her words to the point they were almost unintelligible, but Nayeon seemed to understand her perfectly.

“Good to see you can still make jokes even when you’re this drunk.” Nayeon calmly replied. “Anyway, she’s a really great girl and if you give her a chance, I think you two could be a really good match. She _ is _a freshman, but she’s really mature to the point I thought she was a senior when I first met her. She’s a music major and- ”

“She’s a freshman and a music major?” Sana’s heart skipped a beat, she knew there was no possible way it was Jihyo - but the similarities felt too coincidental.

“Yeah, and I know what you’re thinking, I actually met her through Jihyo.” Nayeon explained, the way Nayeon quirked an eyebrow at her made Sana’s stomach churn with anxiety. She could already tell this wasn’t going to work. “Her name is Haseul, she’s actually got a bunch of mutual friends with us, I can’t believe we’ve never encountered her before.”

“Who is she friends with?” Sana asked, only half listening to what Nayeon was saying - the mere mention of Jihyo’s name had her trying to subtly find the girl in the crowd.

“Remember Jung Jinsoul? The girl you showed around at freshman orientation? She’s like best friends with her and also Jinsoul’s soulmate, Sooyoung.” Nayeon answered. “Apparently they’ve all been friends since they were like 15, and _ all _their friends and family were convinced she and Jinsoul were soulmates, crazy how that turned out, right?”

“Right, crazy.” Sana agreed monotonously, mindlessly reaching out and swiping a beer off the table of drinks, practically ripping the top off and taking a long swig. “When is she getting here?”

“Alright, try not to sound too excited.” Nayeon huffed sarcastically, folding her arms over her chest as she pointedly looked away from Sana.

“I just want to get this whole meet-and-greet over and done with so I can go back to the party and dance.” Sana shrugged, clearly bored by the whole conversation. “I don’t want to waste half the party standing around, losing my buzz.”

“She should be here any minute, you don’t need to be all moody.” Nayeon chastised, looking at Sana with a questioning gaze. “You _ never _get grumpy drunk, what’s with you?”

“Nothing, I would just rather be enjoying the party than indulging in you trying to play matchmaker _ again _.” Sana responded, the bitterness evident in her tone not missed by Nayeon.

She could hear Nayeon talking, the girl most likely berating her for being rude and unappreciative of her ‘efforts to find Sana a girlfriend’, but Sana couldn’t make out a single word that was being said.

Jihyo was leaning against the dining room table talking to a couple people Sana couldn’t make out, she was wearing a short black dress that hugged her figure perfectly - she looked amazing in it, but Jihyo always looked stunning no matter what she wore. The girl was only just in her peripheral vision, just past Nayeon’s head, but suddenly she was all Sana could see. It only took around 10 seconds before Jihyo was turning to look her way, clearly sensing Sana’s stare and trying to find out who it was.

The second they locked eyes, and Jihyo recognised who she was, Jihyo’s lips spread into a wide gummy smile - easily one of Sana’s favourite sights in the whole universe. She could see Jihyo point to her own hair and then to Sana, giving her a thumbs up to show her approval, and Sana’s heart nearly lept out of her chest. It was almost pathetic how little it took for her to be so flustered.

“Sana? Are you even listening?” Nayeon’s voice broke through her thoughts, there were fingers snapping in front of her face. “What are you looking at?”

“Hmm?” Sana looked back at Nayeon, in something of a daze as she tried to get her head together. “Oh, I just saw Jihyo in the dining room and she waved at me and then started pointing at something, so I got distracted.”

“Okay…” Nayeon frowned slightly, looking over her shoulder and waving at Jihyo slightly. “What was she pointing at?”

“My hair, I think. She gave me a thumbs up, so I think that means she likes it.” Sana smiled lopsidedly, running a hand through her hair absentmindedly.

“It does really suit you, I have to agree.” Nayeon nodded, reaching over to play with the ends of Sana’s hair. “When did you get this done? You definitely didn’t have hair this light last night.”

“Jeongyeon bleached it for me this afternoon, I’ve been wanting to get it done for a while now though.” Sana explained.

“You trusted Jeongyeon with bleaching your hair? You’ve got to be the bravest person I’ve ever met. Or the dumbest.” Nayeon chuckled.

“I think I prefer being the bravest.” Sana decided, giggling to herself happily as Nayeon mindlessly ran her fingers through Sana’s hair. “She did a really great job though, both her and Mina said I looked really good blonde.”

“You definitely do, Haseul is really going to love it.” Nayeon commented, completely unaware of how Sana’s heart sank at the mention of the girls name. “Most people who haven’t met their soulmate don’t even bother dyeing their hair, so I’m really surprised you did it.”

The word ‘soulmate’ seemed to have been brought up an inordinate amount as of late, Sana could’ve sworn the topic had never been talked about this much before - or at least not talked about by people who weren’t Sana or Mina. That paranoid and irrational, part of her head was seemingly convinced that everyone knew about her Jihyo - that they kept talking about soulmates as a way of mocking her, making her remember she wasn’t with hers every second of every day.

Strange how she’d once loved that word so much, loved the way it rolled off her tongue, and now it only made her feel physically sick.

“I can see it’s changed, it may just be light grey now but that’s enough for me.” Sana shrugged, feigning nonchalance - or at least hoping any strangeness to her tone would be chalked up to how drunk she was.

“That’s fair enough, I get that.” Nayeon agreed, voice kind of farraway as she continued to play with Sana’s hair. “Hey, maybe Haseul will be your soulmate and then you’ll get to see what it looks like in colour.”

“Haseul won’t be my soulmate.” Sana refuted far too quickly and with far too much certainty, Nayeon recoiled slightly at the harshness of Sana’s tone, removing her hand from Sana’s hair as she frowned at her clearly taken aback.

“How do you know that?” Nayeon questioned, clearly defensive about her statement. “She could very easily be your soulmate, _ anyone _ could be.”

“I know she’s not my soulmate, I can just tell.” Sana explained with an air of confidence Nayeon clearly couldn’t wrap her head around. “I’m sure she’s a nice girl, but she won’t be my soulmate.”

“You don’t know for certain she’s not your soulmate, don’t be so difficult.” Nayeon argued, evidently frustrated by Sana’s stubbornness. “There’s no way to be certain unless you’ve already kissed her _ or _you’ve already met your soulmate.”

Sana opened her mouth to reply, but it was almost as if the lump that seemed ever present in her throat was blocking her airway and stopping her from saying anything or even breathing. Her mouth was dry and her head hurt, and Nayeon was looking at her all smug as if she’d won the argument, and the competitive and destructive part of Sana’s psyche really wanted to blurt out she _ had _met her soulmate if it would only wipe that look off Nayeon’s face - repercussions be damned - but Sana could still see Jihyo in her peripheral vision. The girl looked truly happy, and Sana didn’t want to risk ruining that.

“And I can tell from the look on your face, you’ve done neither of those.” Nayeon continued smugly, Sana could do nothing but stand there and pretend it was true. “So stop being so negative, and if Haseul _ is _your soulmate I better be your maid of honour at your wedding.”

“Okay, but- ”

“No buts!” Nayeon interjected before Sana could say anything. “Stop being so annoying, you better not be like this when Haseul- oh speak of the devil, hey Haseul, over here!”

Nayeon started waving Haseul over frantically, unable to hide her excitement and hopefulness. Sana turned to try to get a look behind her, try to spot Haseul, and her breath momentarily caught in her throat when she locked eyes with her.

Haseul really was beautiful, with such striking features that Sana couldn’t help but study.

Her earlier concerns of Haseul being too similar to Jihyo quickly dissipated, because it was evident the similarities ended with them both being freshman and music majors, the only other thing they seemed to have in common was them both having short brown hair - and Sana was more than relieved to see how different they looked from each other.

Where Jihyo’s eyes were big and round, soul bearing almost, Haseul’s were smaller and sharp. Haseul’s skin was fair whilst Jihyo was tan, and Haseul was also a good inch shorter than Jihyo; there truly wasn’t anything about her Sana didn’t find attractive, from her shy smile even to her cute ears she’d brushed her hair behind. Admittedly, Sana really did have to give it to Nayeon for picking Haseul to set Sana up with; had she’d met her 4 months ago things might’ve been different.

Had she met Haseul a few months earlier, maybe she would’ve wished for her to be her soulmate, but now Sana could only see a beautiful girl she wasn’t supposed to be with.

“Sana, this is Jo Haseul! Haseul, this is Minatozaki Sana, the girl I was telling you about.” Nayeon introduced them excitedly, Haseul extended a timid hand for Sana to shake; Sana giggling before accepting it.

“It’s nice to finally meet you! Nayeon has told me a lot about you, she was really determined to set us up.” Haseul greeted her shyly, lips quirking into a cautious smile that widened when she saw how brightly Sana was smiling at her.

“Nice to meet you too, hope Nayeon has only been saying good things?” Sana inquired, eyeing Nayeon suspiciously.

“Of course, how could you ever think anything different from me, Sana.” Nayeon gasped, placing a hand over her chest, feigning shock. “I’m going to leave you two to get acquainted, have fun! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

Sana rolled her eyes and sighed as she watched Nayeon wink at the pair before leaving, the girl looking unreasonably smug. She could sense Haseul’s nerves already, the way the girl was anxiously playing with her hands and looking anywhere but Sana. It was cute.

“Did you find Seungwan’s alright?” Sana asked, an attempt at breaking the ice.

“Yeah, Sooyoung know’s Seungwan’s sister, Juyeon, from track so she already knew how to get here. Didn’t expect so many people to be here to be honest.” Haseul answered, clicking her tongue nervously as she bobbed her head slightly.

“Oh that’s cool, yeah it’s really busy.” Sana agreed stiltedly. This absolutely wasn’t going to work if she wanted to have an actual conversation with Haseul. “Do you want something to drink?”

“God, yes please.” Haseul nodded in relief, smiling wider when Sana broke out into laughter. “I’m definitely _ way _too sober right now.”

“Agreed.” Sana hummed, grabbing two beers off the kitchen counter and passing one to Haseul before taking a sip from hers.

“Sorry, I’m really shit at meeting new people, especially when they look like you.” Haseul blushed, taking a long gulp of her drink.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment, I think.” Sana chuckled. “Thank you, it’s a good thing I’m already drunk or I’d be the same.”

The confidence and flirtatiousness came out of nowhere, but the guilt that followed was completely expected. She had absolutely no intention of having anything with Haseul beyond friendship, Sana knew flirting with her was cruel and could only cause problems for her and make her look bad; but she just couldn’t help herself, and she couldn’t understand why.

She looked away from Haseul for a moment to look at the scene in the dining room, unable to stop herself from seeking Jihyo out. But, it seemed Jihyo was already watching her. The girls eyes were fixed on her, boring into her soul the second they locked eyes, and she was frowning slightly. Something in Sana’s brain changed, her heart beat sped up, making her heart ache even more the longer she gazed at Jihyo.

“So, what do you do for fun?” Haseul’s question stole Sana’s attention, dragging her gaze away from Jihyo to look down at Haseul instead.

“I mainly just watch TV or dance, how about you?”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sana couldn’t exactly pinpoint when she’d lost track of Haseul, but at some point after midnight Jinsoul had come over, asked to ‘borrow’ Haseul and then vanished with her. It was rapidly approaching 2am now and Sana hadn’t seen the girl since; she’d somehow managed to lose track of all of her friends and spent the last hour wandering around the party aimlessly, taking shots whenever offered and let time wash over her.

There was no doubt Haseul was great; she was fun and interesting to talk to, smart but not to the point it was irritating, and was definitely very easy to talk to - credit where credit was due, Nayeon had definitely picked a great girl to set Sana up with.

But it didn’t matter how great Haseul was, because she wasn’t her soulmate. She wasn’t Jihyo.

No matter how long she talked to Haseul, no matter how much time she spent gazing at Haseul as she reeled off story after story, she couldn’t get Jihyo out of her mind. It was frustrating beyond belief, but Sana had known from the start that it was going to happen - the second she laid her eyes on Jihyo that was always going to be it, she was always going to be all she’d think about.

The image of Jihyo staring at her, watching her talk to Haseul with that peculiar look on her face was imprinted in her brain, and all Sana wanted was to understand what it meant. All she’d ever wanted was to understand what was going on in Jihyo’s head, but everyday she seemed to stray further from finding out. Sana had never known anyone as confusing as Jihyo.

Somehow Sana found herself stood in Seungwan’s back garden, unsure how she’d got there or _ why _she’d decided to go outside - it was below freezing, and Sana was hardly dressed to be outside in such temperatures. Sana looked up to the stars and inhaled deeply, hoping the fresh air would soothe her headache and help sober her up slightly. She could feel the heavy bass of the music pounding in time with her heart, she couldn’t help but wonder, once again, if that feeling would ever go away.

“Sana?” A voice to her left startled her, bringing her out of her daze. Sana smiled despite herself, she’d recognise that voice anywhere - she heard it every night in her dreams and in her nightmares.

“Hi Hyo.” Sana chirped happily, looking over to wear Jihyo was sat - frowning slightly when she saw the lit cigarette dangling between Jihyo’s fingers. “What are you doing? Since when do you smoke?”

“I don’t,” Jihyo muttered, ashing the cigarette and taking a long drag, “but tonight is different.”

“Yeah, well, smoking is fucking gross.” Sana grumbled, moving to sit next to her, removing the cigarette from between her fingers and putting it out beneath her shoe. “So maybe don’t, ever.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do Sana, I’m a fucking adult I can make my own choices.” Jihyo grumbled, even in her drunken state Sana immediately picked up on the shakiness to her tone. “I’ve had a shit night and I wanted a cigarette, I don’t need you to tell me how gross they are I already know, Momo tells me all the time.”

“I don’t get why you’d smoke if you know how gross it is, no matter how shit you feel.” Sana questioned, tone harsh and unsympathetic.

“Because I just feel so fucking _ sad _and alone, and I just wanted something to make me feel a little bit better because drinking isn’t helping anymore.” Jihyo croaked out, tears spilling from her eyes and running down her cheeks. “But it didn’t work, I don’t know how to fix it.”

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you with Momo?” Sana asked, wrapping an arm around Jihyo’s shoulders and pulling her close. Jihyo felt so warm pressed against her side, it was almost too distracting.

“Momo went home, back to your apartment.” Jihyo mumbled sadly, wiping at her tear stained cheeks.

“Why did she leave?” Sana frowned, perplexed by the situation at hand and just trying to make sense of what was going on. “Why didn’t you leave with her?”

The dam broke. Jihyo turned her whole body so she could bury her face into Sana’s neck and just sobbed, her body shaking violently as she kept trying to get closer to Sana by any means possible. Sana had never felt so shaken in her entire life, reacting immediately and wrapping an arm around Jihyo’s torso to hold her close and run her free hand through Jihyo’s hair - shushing her gently.

She could feel her heart breaking and wondered if Jihyo could too.

“I didn’t leave with her because I’m a _ shitty _girlfriend.” Jihyo choked out, breathing so hard she was near hyperventilating. “She got mad at me for not talking to her and left when I refused to tell her what’s wrong.”

“It’s okay, Jihyo.” Sana tried her best to comfort her, but couldn’t find the proper words to say - didn’t know how to make it better.

“No, it’s not okay Sana.” Jihyo hiccuped, shaking her head against Sana’s neck. “It’s never going to be okay, I just keep being shitty and doing shitty things because I’m so fucking _ scared _ and confused and I don’t know how to be good. I want to be a good person again but I don’t know _ how. _”

“You are a good person, Jihyo.” Sana reassured her, stroking her free hand down her back.

“No I’m not, I’m a shitty person who doesn’t deserve someone like Momo.” Jihyo insisted tirelessly.

The words were stuck in her throat, and no matter how drunk Sana was she knew she shouldn’t say them, knew it was a bad idea and wasn’t what Jihyo needed to hear right now. Sana wanted so badly to be selfish, just let herself fight for what she wants - even just one time, even if she knows it’ll end badly.

“Fuck, Jihyo.” Sana sighed, herheart was in her throat but she just couldn’t stop herself no matter how hard she tried. “Momo doesn’t deserve _you_!”

“...No.”

“Please, just listen to me.” Sana gently pulled Jihyo’s face away from her neck so she could look her in the eyes. “Momo has no fucking idea how lucky she is to have you, she doesn’t understand how much she has. You’re so _ good _ , Jihyo, and I’m so fucking in love with you to the point it _ hurts _.”

Jihyo was just staring at her, mouth slightly agape and eyes unreadable. The air between them was thick with tension and Sana’s mind was going into overdrive with ideas of how to break it. If only Jihyo would just say something, she just needed her to say anything so Sana could know what she was supposed to do next.

But Jihyo remained silent, completely unreadable, so Sana did something really stupid.

It felt like every nerve ending in Sana’s body was on fire when she pressed her lips against Jihyo, as if her head was going to explode with the intensity of the pain reverberating around her skull and her heart was going to break through her ribcage. Everything in her body was going into overdrive and she felt so _ alive _.

It would’ve been the perfect moment if Jihyo had kissed her back.

A hand pressed square against her chest and shoved hard, pushing Sana away from Jihyo and forcing her against the other arm of the bench. The guilt and regret that washed over Sana was indescribable, she couldn’t even bring herself to open her eyes and face the mess she’d just made.

“What the _ fuck _are you doing.” Jihyo croaked out, her voice rough from crying and sheer panic. Sana opened her eyes and drank in Jihyo’s features, the girl was flushed bright red, her eyes wide and unblinking and she was hyperventilating as she wiped at her lips furiously.

“I- I don’t know.” Sana admitted, her heartbeat was so hard it was painful - but Sana didn’t care, her chest throbbed where Jihyo had pushed her and her lips and throat burned as if she’d drank acid. “I just- I thought- ”

“Fucking hell Sana, I have a _ girlfriend _. Your best friend, I’m dating your fucking best friend, why did you kiss me?” Jihyo fumed, waving her hands around exasperatedly. “I’m not a fucking cheater Sana, you don’t get to confess your love to me and then kiss me that’s cruel and unfair.”

“Look I’m sorry, but what’s unfair is the fact that you’re _ my _ soulmate and I don’t get to kiss you.” Sana argued angrily, pointing an accusatory finger at Jihyo. “What’s cruel is that I have to watch _ my soulmate _be paraded around as someone else’s girlfriend.”

“Listen, I’m sorry for _ all _of this Sana, you have no fucking idea how unbelievably shitty I feel about being your soulmate and doing all this to you. I never fucking asked for this.” Jihyo pointed out, her face was red with anger. “But that doesn’t give you the right to kiss me when I’m already vulnerable, none of that changes the fact that I have a girlfriend.”

Sana was practically seething, she could practically feel the heat of her anger coursing through her veins and sense all her decision making abilities seeping away. She could really break Jihyo in that moment if she wanted to, say one thing to shift all of her guilt and regret from herself onto Jihyo.

“I’m fucking _ sorry _, okayy? But spare me that ‘I’ve got a girlfriend bullshit’, as if you and Momo aren’t about to break up anyway.” Sana spat, and the second the words left her mouth she already regretted them.

Jihyo’s face fell in an instant, all fight seemingly draining from her and Sana knew in that moment she’d really fucked everything up. Tears were already starting to spill from Jihyo’s eyes once again, rolling over her cheeks as Jihyo continued to stare at her in shock and disbelief. Sana didn’t even flinch when Jihyo’s palm connected with her cheek, she’d known it was coming and knew she fully deserved it.

The tension surrounding them was uncomfortable, but what made it worse was Sana knowing Jihyo was on the verge of breaking once again - but this time it was her fault, and she couldn’t fix it; couldn’t do anything but let her heart shatter the second that first sob passed Jihyo’s lips, and watch Jihyo turn and run away.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Lips pressed against hers in the back of an uber, hurried, frantic and heated.

The driver is quietly singing along to the radio, and if she were sober Sana would feel guilty for making the poor guy uncomfortable, but her head is still swimming and all she can think about is her face, how she’d looked at her and how soft her lips had felt. All she could think about was Jihyo, she could only ever think about Jihyo.

Hands looped behind the back of her neck pulling her closer, fingers playing with her hair and moving to tug it roughly - pulling a moan from deep within Sana’s throat.

She has no idea where she’s going, only that the driver seems desperate to get them there fast and Sana can’t wait to get there. An address had been mumbled when they’d gotten in the car, but Sana had been far too distracted by the hands clawing at her dress to even notice.

This wasn’t the first time Sana had been kissed, or even the first time she’d made out with someone, but she’d never been kissed this hard before - never had a girl lick into her mouth as thirstily before, as if the last drops of water on the earth were on her tongue and this girl hadn’t drunk in weeks. 

Teeth sunk into her bottom lip so hard she was certain they’d draw blood, or at least leave a bruise; but in a weird way she almost relished the dull ache it caused - finally a new pain to focus on so she didn’t fixate on the way her cheek still stung from Jihyo’s palm.

Now wasn’t the time to be thinking of Jihyo, now was the time to be thinking about how a beautiful girl was kissing her so thoroughly and passionately, their lips suddenly pulling apart as she was guided out of the back seat of the car and was practically dragged towards a building she vaguely recognised as university dorms; but then fingers were carding through her hair and they were tugging her into a kiss again.

Muffled laughter against her lips as Sana felt her struggle with her keycard, and Sana couldn’t help the throaty chuckle she let out as she pushed her through the doorway the millisecond after it was opened.

Then the laughter stopped and Sana’s back was being pressed up against the door as it closed behind them. Lips were pressed firmly against hers, wasting no time dipping a tongue into her mouth as they kissed her _ hard _.

Hands were wandering everywhere and Sana’s mind was going a mile a minute, the touch of such gentle hands down her back was electric. It was only when deft fingers started to tug at the zipper of her dress did Sana realise what was happening, only then did she realise what was happening; what was _ about _to happen.

Never once had it crossed Sana’s mind that her first time might go like this - a drunken hookup with some random girl from a party, a girl who wasn’t even her soulmate.

Lips latched onto the skin of her pulse point, sucking hard enough to leave a mark and the deep groan Sana released was truly vulgar. She could feel that familiar heat pooling in the pit of her stomach, the kind she was only really used to feeling on those dark nights alone in her room after she let her mind wander a little, and it only grew more intense by the second as the girl led her slowly towards her bed.

Her dress was off in an instant, pulled around her ankles for her to step out of, and her bra unhooked in the next second - there really was no turning back now. No turning back as she watched the girl slowly remove her own shirt, almost as if she was trying to tease Sana with how much she was taking her time undressing.

She was beautiful, god she was so beautiful.

But Haseul’s bedroom walls were a pale yellow, and now Sana couldn’t stop thinking about Jihyo.

Couldn’t get the image of Jihyo looking so devastated and betrayed out of her head, would never let herself forget it, the picture all the more gut wrenching the more Sana reminded herself that it was her who caused it. Sana wanted so badly to stop Jihyo from hurting, and all she seemed to do was make it worse.

Sana was gently pushed backwards until her head hit the pillow, she could only vaguely register what was happening - all she could feel was the fire gentle fingers left in their wake as they mapped Sana’s bare body.

She just wanted Jihyo out of her head for _ one _night, wanted to get just one night to feel okay - stop feeling so shitty about herself and every decision she made, and just be taken care of by the beautiful girl currently sucking another hickey into her neck.

Fingers were cautiously playing with the hem of her underwear, silently seeking position to dip beyond the fabric barrier, and Sana was too focussed on all her thoughts of Jihyo she didn’t even register them, not until they were taken away and everything just stopped.

“Sana?” A hoarse voice broke the silence, spoke above the endless noise in Sana’s head. “Sana are you okay?”

It was as if Sana’s throat was closed, she opened her mouth to speak but not a single sound passed her lips. Her whole body felt like it was on fire, burning hot to the point it was almost uncomfortable, but still her cheek hurt the most - could feel exactly where Jihyo’s palm had struck.

“Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry, shit I’m really sorry.” The warm body that had been hovering so close above her repositioned so they were straddling Sana’s hips, looking down at her worriedly. The room was near pitch black, but the moonlight that seeped in from through her window illuminated her silhouette beautifully. “Sana, why are you crying?”

Sana brought a cautious hand up to brush her own cheek, she hadn’t even realised that she’d started to cry. The guilt that consumed her entire being was overwhelming, and Sana didn’t have the strength in her soul to stop the floodgates from opening; allowing the tears to roll over her cheeks unabashedly. All of her emotions felt as though they were heightened, but she knew they all still boiled down to Jihyo.

“Sana I’m so sorry, I just got so caught up in everything I didn’t even notice you were crying.” The girl apologised profusely, brushing her hand over Sana’s cheeks to wipe her tears away. “I should’ve slowed down and been more careful I’m so sorry, I just- ”

“I’m not crying because of you.” Sana interrupted quickly, before the girl could start rambling. “You didn’t do anything wrong I just… I have a lot on my mind at the moment, there’s a lot going on. And I just can’t get any of it out of my head, no matter how hard I try; and I guess I just got overwhelmed.”

“Okay, I understand.” The girl breathed a quiet sigh of relief, Sana could see her nodding to herself slightly as she un-straddled Sana’s hips and got off the bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“_ Yes _.” Sana exhaled, covering her face with her hands as she breathed deeply. “You have no idea how badly I want to talk about this, I’ve had to keep it in for months.”

“I’m here if you want to talk, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to have sex tonight.” The girl offered, Sana unable to stop herself from blushing. “I may not be able to offer much advice, but talking to someone is often really nice and kinda therapeutic.”

“Do you promise to not tell _ any _of my friends?”

“I promise I won’t, I’ll take it to my grave.”

“Okay, so, I have a soulmate- ”

“Wait, what the fuck?” The girl interrupted her in shock. “You have a fucking soulmate and nearly had sex with me? You fucking cheated on your _ soulmate _??”

“We’re soulmates, but we’re not together.” Sana tried to explain, sighing when she saw the girls confused look. “It’s really complicated, but basically she’s my best friends girlfriend, and we had to kiss in a game of truth and dare way back during Halloween, and discovered we’re soulmates.”

“That really is messy.” The girl agreed, whistling lowly as she pulled a hoodie over her head. “I don’t really get it though, if she’s your soulmate, why aren’t you two together?”

“She doesn’t want me, she wants my best friend.” Sana mumbled sadly, fresh tears rolled over her cheeks the more she thought about how pitiful a situation she was in. “No matter what I do, how hard I try to change her mind, she doesn’t want me and I’m starting to get really worried she’s never going to want me.”

“I’m really sorry, just… I don’t know what to say, that’s really shit.” She muttered sympathetically, running a hand through her hair as she tried to find the right words to say. “Does your best friend know that you’re, y’know, her girlfriends soulmate?”

“No! No fucking way, she made it very clear Momo wasn’t allowed to know.” Sana was quick to clarify, waving her hands frantically in her defence.

“You’re soulmate is Jihyo? Park Jihyo?” The girl asked incredulously, eyes wide in shock, Sana could only nod sadly. “Holy shit, that’s really fucking messy.”

“God, tell me something I don’t know.” Sana whined, hiccuping slightly as she tried to force back the sobs that threatened to rip through her throat. “My soulmate is the girl who doesn’t believe in soulmates, who also happens to be in love with my best friend.”

“Just, I don’t know what to say other than keep saying how sorry I am.” The girl sighed, perching on the bed next to Sana.

“I just love her so much, and I keep hurting her and fucking up my chances with her.” Sana cried hopelessly, covering her face with her hands. “I don’t know what to do anymore, I just feel so fucking lost and just sad all the time lately.”

“You can’t keep bottling this all up forever, Sana.” The girl pointed out, stroking Sana’s hair gently. “I know you probably don’t think so, but telling a friend might actually help - because they may be able to offer you actual advice.”

“I want to tell them so badly, but I’m just so scared of it all falling apart when I do. I don’t want to lose everything, I’ve already lost my soulmate.” Sana practically bawled.

“You don’t know that, if they’re your friend they won’t leave you while you’re hurting.” She hushed Sana gently, voice calming and gentle. “You can’t bottle this up forever it’s not healthy.”

“Okay… okay I guess you’re right about that.” Sana couldn’t disagree, no matter how badly she wanted to be stubborn, she knew this girl was right. “Thank you for listening… shit… I’m really sorry, I’m still pretty drunk and I’ve completely forgotten your name.”

The girl just giggled and flicked Sana on the forehead lightly.

“It’s Haseul, Nayeon introduced us, remember?”

“Oh yes, Haseul of course!” Sana scolded herself internally, she couldn’t believe she’d forgotten her name. “God, Nayeon is going to be so fucking unbearable when she hears about me going home with you.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Her bed was warm and comfortable, heat radiated both from her body and her heart, but Sana still felt so cold and small as she lay in bed next to Haseul. She never would’ve expected to be here, lying in someone else's bed, still kind of tipsy and wearing pyjamas that didn’t belong to her - but at least she could rest easy knowing that nothing had happened.

Sana had never come so close to having sex with someone before, she’d only been a milisecond away from letting Haseul take her right then and there, but Sana could safely say she was glad that they hadn’t. The guilt she still felt from how she’d hurt Jihyo was all consuming enough, the last thing she needed was the guilt of letting Haseul take her virginity on top of that.

And god, _ Jihyo _.

The urge to cry was so overwhelming as Sana lay there in bed, the only thing stopping her was the fact that she was lying next to a sleeping Haseul, and she really didn’t want to wake her.

Sana remembered next to nothing from the party, everything was a blur with instersparced memories of doing shots and dancing, but she remembered everything from that encounter with Jihyo outside. Every single millisecond replaying in her mind, not a single detail missed in her memories no matter how badly she wanted to forget it.

It felt like all she was able to do right now was constantly hurt Jihyo, all she was doing was repeatedly fucking up her chances of ever being with her soulmate by being nothing but insensitive with her - and the worst part was she had no idea how she was supposed to fix it. All she wanted was to fix everything, but everytime she tried it felt like she was making things worse.

Sana glanced over at the clock adorning Haseul’s wall, it was nearing 7am and Sana had yet to fall asleep, she was beginning to doubt that she’d ever actually get any sleep if she stayed in Haseul’s dorm. Sneaking away before Haseul awoke felt cowardly, but then again Sana couldn’t recall a time she’d done anything brave, that wasn’t stupid, recently. So Sana felt a lot less guilty about slipping out from under the covers, careful to not make a sound and not disturb Haseul’s sleeping form.

She spared a glance to the girl sleeping so peacefully and couldn’t help the dejected sigh that passed her lips. In another life she could’ve fallen for her, but in this one her heart only belonged to one person - even if she wouldn’t ever have theirs.

Getting changed in the near pitch black of Haseul’s bedroom was a true challenge in its own right, but having to do it silently was near impossible. Sana’s head was still swimming, the lack of sleep had not aided in sobering her up at all and she was definitely still tipsy, but all she could focus on was getting out of there so she could go home.

A phone number and a short message of gratitude on a post-it was all the evidence that remained of Sana’s visit. Even though Sana had no intentions of being anything with Haseul, she really did hope she’d call.

  
  
  


The walk of shame was something she knew Nayeon had done frequently, the girl ensuring to send their groupchat videos of herself traipsing through town in her clothes from the night before, looking extremely worse for wear, as she knew just how entertaining they all found it; Nayeon almost relishing in the teasing comments they’d all make about her disheveled appearance.

Never once had Sana expected she’d ever be the one to have to do the walk of shame.

She couldn’t help but feel self conscious as she sat on the bus, still in her dress from the night before, with her hair a tangled mess, and, if the tenderness of the skin of her neck was anything to go by, at least a couple hickeys. Even though she knew that nothing had happened, that they hadn’t gone the whole way, the way a few people were eyeing her definitely implied it didn’t appear that was the case.

Nayeon was never going to let her hear the end of this.

It was almost 9am by the time she finally got back to her apartment, and, to her horror, Jeongyeon and Mina were already awake and eating breakfast in their living room when she got back. Sana had never seen a person go through such a range of different emotions in such a short space of time, Mina looking at her shocked and confused whilst Jeongyeon seemingly went through every emotion possible in the span of 10 seconds.

The roar of Jeongyeon’s laugh reverberated around the whole apartment, and Sana quickly retreated to her bedroom to avoid the barrage of questions she knew were bound to be fired her way any second. Her head was no longer swimming, the cold air had done wonders to sober up, but now it ached as her hangover set in.

It was scarily easy how Sana managed to convince herself she was only retreating to her room to avoid Jeongyeon and Mina’s questions, and not because she was afraid of Momo leaving her bedroom and Sana having to face her.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Mind telling me why you called this impromptu coffee chat?” Mina pried carefully, eyeing Sana with that ‘all knowing’ look of hers that always drove Sana crazy. It was 3pm, but Sana had only woken up an hour prior - still hungover and still feeling the effects of the night before. She’d wanted so badly to sleep the day away, but she needed to talk to Mina. “It hasn’t even been a week since our last coffee catch up.”

“I know, but some stuff happened and I really just needed to talk to you.” Sana grumbled, fingers toying with her teaspoon nervously as she tried to find the courage to speak. “You are the only person I trust this information with, or at least, the only person I feel like _ can _know.”

“Is this about you and Haseul ‘not having sex’ last night?” Mina asked, she’d been tirelessly interrogated by both Jeongyeon and Mina from the second she’d woken up, and had to explain to them that despite what it appeared, she had not had sex with Haseul; they’d done nothing beyond making out.

“I don’t like your tone, I already explained that we didn’t have sex.” Sana rolled her eyes, rubbing her neck where the hickeys were subconsciously. “All we did was make out, but I stopped it before it could go further.”

“Are you gonna call her? Try and arrange a date?” Mina queried excitedly, smiling at Sana so hopefully it almost made her feel guilty.

“No, I think we’re just going to stay friends.” Sana replied honestly, wincing slightly when she saw how disappointed Mina looked.

“Why not? Clearly you like her, otherwise you wouldn’t have gone back to her place.” Mina frowned, confused and dejected.

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk about.” Sana exhaled slowly, trying to regulate her breathing and stop herself from going into a full blown panic attack before she could even get the words out. “There’s something I’ve been keeping from everyone for a while now, and I’ve not had the courage to tell anyone about it until now. I wasn’t going to tell anyone _ ever _, but Haseul told me I needed to tell at least one of my friends.”

“I don’t understand.” Mina interjected, perplexed. She was eyeing Sana as if she were speaking in another language, and it only made Sana more anxious than before - but there was no turning back now. “What could you be keeping from us that would stop you from being able to be with Haseul? Is it something to do with your parents?”

“No, it has nothing to do with my parents.” Sana clarified quickly, the lump in her throat was pulsating as she felt her heart hammering against her ribcage. She had to say it now, or she knew she never would. “It’s just- I’ve found my soulmate.”

“I’m sorry, you’ve found WHAT?”

“Keep it down, please, I don’t want people to know.” Sana hissed at her, placing a finger over her lips and eyeing Mina warningly. Mina was staring at her like she’d just admitted to murder. “I’ve met my soulmate, it happened at a party a few months back.”

“Holy shit- wait, did you fucking _ cheat _on your soulmate?” Mina blurted angrily, pointing an accusatory finger at Sana as the girl shook her head frantically.

“No! No, it’s not like that!” Sana reassured her quickly. “We’re soulmates but we’re not together.”

“I can’t believe this.” Mina scoffed, sinking further into her chair and massaging her temples as she tried to collect her thoughts and make some sense of the bombshell Sana had dropped on her. “I have so many questions and I honestly have no _ fucking _idea where to start.”

“I know it’s a lot to take in.” Sana agreed calmly, trying so hard to not freak out as she watched Mina try to comprehend what she’d just told her. “Ask me any question and I’ll answer it.”

“Who is it, when did you find out and why didn’t you tell anyone?” Mina listed off rapidly, counting each question off on her finger.

“Well, I can’t tell you who it is.” Sana winced. “It’s a really complicated situation, you really have no idea just how messy this whole thing is. I found out at a party a few months ago, I can’t say when exactly or you might find out who it is.”

“I just… I don’t know what to say.” Mina sighed.

“Please don’t tell anyone Mina.”

“Why not, I just- I don’t understand why you didn’t tell anyone.”

“She doesn’t want anyone to know.” Sana muttered sadly, she could already feel her eyes starting to well up. “I don’t know how to explain it without giving everything away, but she doesn’t want anyone to know we’re soulmates because she wants someone else.”

“What?” Mina spluttered, sitting bolt upright in her seat as her mouth fell agape in shock. “Your soulmate doesn’t want you?”

“Yeah, she doesn’t believe in soulmates.” Sana mumbled wistfully, Mina’s gaze softened as she reached across the table to take Sana’s hand between her own. “She’s in love with someone else and doesn’t want me to tell anyone we’re soulmates in case they find out.”

“Fuck.” Mina muttered, toying her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to think of an appropriate response. “_ Fuck _.”

“I don’t know what to do, Mina.” Sana murmured helplessly, looking up to meet Mina’s eyes with eyes shining with unshed tears. “I tried to convince myself I’d be okay with not being with her, that seeing in colour would make up for all of it, but now every single colour reminds me of her and how she doesn’t love me back.”

“You love her?”

“Yeah, _ god _, I love her so much.” Sana croaked out, a single tear rolling over her cheek as if to punctuate her statement. “I love her with all my heart, but I keep hurting her and now she thinks I hate her.”

Sana could sense how Mina stiffened at that, as if what Sana had said was something of a clue to who she was talking about. Mina shuffled in her seat slightly, clearing her throat loudly and suspiciously, but she never let go of Sana’s hand.

“Do I know this girl?” Mina asked dubiously, Sana could practically hear the frown in her voice.

“No, at least I don’t think you do.” Sana lied, trying her best to sound as convincing as possible so to throw Mina off the scent. “She’s someone I met at a party and kissed during a drinking game, I had no idea she even went to our university.”

“Let me guess, you’d never met her before that night, but now you see her _ everywhere _.” Mina scoffed, Sana silently praising her own lying abilities.

“After that night, after we kissed, we met up and agreed to avoid each other because she didn’t want us to be together. But it was almost like the universe didn’t want that for us, because she’s everywhere I turn now.” Sana groaned dejectedly, running her free hand through her hair as she sighed. “I don’t know what to do anymore, I want to be with her so badly but I keep ruining my chances by hurting her.”

“Well, have you tried talking to her about your feelings?” Mina offered, running her thumb over Sana’s knuckles soothingly. “She needs to know how you feel, maybe things have changed for her over the past few months.”

“She’s not going to want to talk to me.” Sana grumbled guiltily. “I did something really _ really _stupid last night, she’s not going to want to see me ever again.”

“Have you apologised for whatever it is you did?”

“Well- no, no I haven’t. I got really defensive when she called me out because I was drunk and not thinking clearly.” Sana admitted. “I really need to apologise to her.”

“I’m sure she’ll be understanding if you just explain that you’re sorry and that you were drunk and not thinking clearly.” Mina reassured her gently, it was times like this Sana wondered what she’d done in a past life to deserve a friend like Mina. “No matter how bad your mistake, an honest apology and recognition of guilt can’t hurt.”

“I’ll talk to her when I get back. Thank you Mina, I really appreciate you more than you’ll ever know.” Sana smiled at her friend gratefully, her smile widening when she saw Mina’s gummy smile in return.

“It’s my pleasure, Satang. Thank you for telling me about this, I’m here if you ever need advice about anything, don’t hesitate to ask.” Mina vowed.

“I will, thank you, Miguri.”

“Now, onto a lighter topic of conversation.” Mina removed her hands from where they held Sana’s and clapping excitedly. “I want to hear _ all _ about your favourite colours.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


It felt as though her phone was mocking her.

As she lay in bed, just staring at hers and Jihyo’s last text conversation, her fingers hovering over the keyboard but not daring to type anything. She was almost waiting for those 3 little dots to appear, silently hoping that Jihyo would text her first but knowing the chances of that happening were near slim to none.

The countless emotions she was feeling were making her head hurt, everything ranging from embarrassment and guilt to pure excitement. The thought of Jihyo accepting her apology, agreeing to meet with her was making Sana’s heart race - all that was left to do was actually message Jihyo. But she’d been lying here for nearly an hour now, and she had yet to actually text her. 

She just had to hold her breath and do it, close her eyes and press send.

Sana [20:15pm]

hey jihyo, it’s sana

i just really wanted to text you

and apologise for last night

i have no excuse for my

behaviour

just know i was beyond

wasted

i’d NEVER do that sober

im just really really sorry

i hope you can forgive me

but i understand if you can’t

Sana [20:29pm]

i feel really guilty about all of it

i keep being shitty to you and

im just so so sorry

Jihyo [20:37pm]

hey

thanks for apologising

i really do appreciate it

but you had absolutely no

fucking right kissing me

and what you said about momo

and i was way over the line

you have no fucking idea whats

going on

really shitty of you guilt tripping

me like that

Sana [20:38pm]

i know and im really sorry i

have absolutely no excuse i

honestly don't know what came

over me

i know you and momo are happy

so im sorry for what i said about

you and momo

i totally crossed the line and it

wasn’t okay at all

i was just drunk and feeling really

down and i took it out on you and

that wasn’t fair

Jihyo [20:39pm]

thank you

you’re right it really wasnt fair

i was really hurt by that ngl

both the kiss and what you said

so thank you for apologising and

owning up to your mistakes

i don't think you’re a bad person

sana

you just do dumb shit

Sana [20:41pm]

yeah i keep doing dumb shit atm

but i want to stop

because i hate that i keep

hurting you

ive been feeling guilty all day

Jihyo [20:42pm]

if it helps i've been feeling shit all

day too haha

hey maybe its a soulmate thing lol

wait no thats not funny

im sorry

Sana [20:42pm]

its okay haha

it was kinda funny dw i laughed

Jihyo [20:42pm]

okay okay good

Sana [20:43pm]

i know this ended badly last time

and you probably don't want to

see me rn

but can we try meeting up for coffee

again?

i promise i’ll do my best to not

make you cry this time

Jihyo [20:44pm]

yeah id like that

i think we need to have a

proper conversation

ive got some stuff i need to

talk about if thats okay with

you?

Sana [20:44pm]

of course it is

when are you free?

Jihyo [20:45pm]

im busy until like wednesday sadly

that okay for you?

Sana [20:45pm]

umm can you do thursday?

ive got classes all day weds

Jihyo [20:46pm]

thursday works for me

same time and place as before?

Sana [20:46pm]

yeah that works for me :)

ill see you then

once again, im really sorry

Jihyo [20:47pm]

sana its okay im not mad

anymore

see you then

  
  


Going back to classes after all those weeks off school was nothing short of torture. It took so little to break the habit of studying and doing school work, but then took so much willpower to get back into it again. Having to get up so early every morning was painful, the first couple days of classes Sana had essentially just been running on fumes the whole day; her sleep schedule had been completely fucked up over the christmas holidays, despite it not being good in the first place Sana had still managed to make it worse.

Classes were a chore, everything was so difficult and Sana hated feeling like she was falling behind. But she wasn’t falling apart, because she had something to look forward to. 

Thursday at 1pm, she just had to survive until thursday at 1pm.

This was her second chance, she’d been given another opportunity to make things right with Jihyo; finally fix all the mistakes she’d made and apologise once again, in person this time. The pressure was on, because Sana knew she couldn’t afford to say something stupid and fuck everything up again, deep down Sana knew that this was her last chance to ammend all her wrong doings and perhaps make Jihyo fall for her in the process.

She wanted to feel bad for being so selfish, a part of her knew that hoping to steal your best friend’s girlfriend was a bad dream to have - but at this point she was starting to get desperate. The more time she spent with Jihyo the more she knew how much she really did love spending time with her, the more she knew that she could spend hours with her and still not get enough. And the more time she spent _ without _Jihyo the more she knew how life really wasn’t the same when she wasn’t there, even though Jihyo would remain as the focus of all her thoughts at all times.

Momo wasn’t moping around as much lately, her energy had fully returned and she was as happy and excitable as Sana remembered. It was a welcomed change, when Momo was in a bad mood the energy in the whole apartment shifted, but the change likely meant one thing: Momo and Jihyo were back on good terms again.

Feeling so dejected and grumpy that her best friend was so happy wasn’t something Sana had ever thought she’d be feeling.

All Sana wanted was the ability to not feel so bitter towards her best friend, Momo had been her rock for so long and it felt like she was losing her; and it was her own fault that Momo was slipping away. She didn’t want to lose Jihyo as her soulmate, the more time they spent together the more certain she felt that her and Jihyo could be in love if they only gave it a chance.

Sana remembered how Jihyo had looked at her when she’d seen her talking to Haseul at that party. The look had been so unreadable to the point Sana was near convinced it had to have been jealousy. Sana really hoped it was jealousy in Jihyo’s heart, even just so she could have a taste of what Sana felt near constantly when she saw Jihyo with Momo.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Once again, Sana had let her nerves get the better of her, and found herself sitting in the far corner of the coffee shop at least 20 minutes early. Anticipation for this meetup had Sana awake nearly the whole night, if felt almost as if she was headed to a really important meeting and not just a ‘casual’ coffee between two ‘friends’. She could already feel her hands shaking, and it wasn’t just from the copious amounts of coffee she’d already had to drink to stop herself from falling asleep.

The coffee shop was too warm, her seat far too comfortable and had it been anyone else she was meeting, Sana knew she would’ve been fast asleep in her chair by now. But it was Jihyo, and the thought of seeing Jihyo again made her feel wide awake. Almost as if falling asleep while waiting for Jihyo would’ve been exceedingly disrespectful and thus ruining any remaining chance she had with her.

So, Sana sat bold upright, slowly sipping her scalding hot coffee as her gaze remained fixed on the door to the café. There was still at least 10 minutes before Jihyo was due to arrive, but Sana feared that if she looked away, even for a second, she’d miss her - and that just didn’t feel like an option in Sana’s mind.

Time was moving almost painfully slow, but Sana didn’t mind too much. Jihyo was always going to be worth the wait, no matter how impatient Sana had always been, for Jihyo she’d wait forever if that’s what it took.

It was 5 minutes to 1pm when the door to the café swung open and Jihyo strolled inside, the girl already looked significantly better than she had when Sana had last seen her. It was a welcomed change, she’d hated seeing Jihyo look so miserable and broken - it’d made her feel so hopeless and guilty knowing she didn’t know how to fix it - but that pit in Sana’s stomach opened regardless, because now all she could think about was _ why _ Jihyo was doing so much better.

Jihyo turned around, coffee in hand and eyes wide as she scanned the coffeeshop in search of Sana, that precious gummy smile that spread across her features once they locked eyes was still Sana’s favourite sight in the whole world; Sana had a folder somewhere in her brain of every single time she’d seen that gummy smile.

“Hey,” Sana breathed as Jihyo set her coffee down on the table, taking the seat opposite her. Her heart was going a mile a minute, and she felt as if she’d just finished running a marathon. “It’s good to see you, how are you?”

“It’s good to see you too.” Jihyo echoed calmly, smoothing out her trousers as she tried to buy herself time to think. “I’ve kind of been going through a rough time lately, if I’m being honest, but I’m trying to not let it ruin all my relationships. Both platonic relationships and romantic ones. Anyway, how are you?”

“I’m good...” Sana answered, watching Jihyo cautiously, wanting to ask about what was going on but not wanting cross any boundaries.

“How’s Haseul? I heard you two hooked up at Seungwan’s party on saturday?” Jihyo inquired innocently, seemingly nonchalant but Sana noticed how her lip quirked and her voice waivederd slightly.

“We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Sana clarified, this wasn’t where she’d expected this conversation to go. “Who told you we hooked up?”

“Nayeon told me, she’s been bragging to a lot of people about her superior matchmaking skills.” Jihyo shrugged, rolling her eyes subtly. “Are you sure you two didn’t have sex? It really felt like you did.”

“Felt like it? What do you mean?”

“Y’know, felt like it.” Jihyo reiterated, looking at Sana as if she was missing something really obvious. “When your soulmate is having sex with someone but they’re,” Jihyo faultered for a moment, her face flushing slightly as she cleared her throat before continuing, “they’re thinking about _ you _, then you feel this really bad pain. I was just lying in bed and then all of a sudden I was in indescribable agony.”

“Oh.” Sana blushed, but then the weight of Jihyo’s words hit her - she thought back to all the times she’d gone through the exact same thing, Jihyo had been thinking about her all those times. “_ Oh _.”

“Yeah, I thought it was just a sex thing, but if you two didn’t have sex then maybe it’s for other stuff too.” Jihyo continued, cheeks still tinged a light pink - it was cute.

“Well, Haseul and I got about as close to having sex as you can without _ actually _going all the way. So maybe that’s why you were in pain.” Sana offered shyly, she could feel her own cheeks burning as she ducked her head so she didn’t have to meet Jihyo’s eyes. “I’m sorry, by the way, for making you feel that pain. I know it’s not fun.”

“Yeah, I guess I really do make you feel that pain a lot.” Jihyo winced, awkwardly running a hand through her hair and scratching at the back of her neck. “I’m really sorry about that, I only found out it was a thing recently, if I’d known beforehand I would’ve been more careful to- y’know, not let my mind wander during sex.”

“I’m not gonna lie I’m kinda flattered you think about me so much during sex.” Sana teased, heart racing when a small smile graced Jihyo’s features.

“Shut the fuck up, Sana.” Jihyo released a breathy giggle, it was music to Sana’s ears, her cheeks were stained bright red but she looked happy.

“It really is such an ego booster, so thank you for that.” Sana chirped happily. “Momo is really hot, so for me to cross your mind while you two are fucking really does make me feel amazing.”

“Please, the amount of times Momo and I have had sex compared to the amount of times you’ve crossed my mind during. I wouldn’t let your ego inflate too much if I were you.” Jihyo joked, but the way both their faces fell the second after Jihyo finished her comment showed well enough how awkward those kinds of jokes still were. Sana wanted to badly for her heart to not be breaking right now, she wanted to be able to joke around with Jihyo like this. 

“Shit, I’m sorry that really wasn’t funny.” Jihyo mumbled, her face was buried in her hands as she groaned loudly. “I don’t know why I said that, that really wasn’t appropriate at all, I’m sorry Sana.”

“It’s okay, that’s totally on me I started it.” Sana reassured her quickly, forcing a smile to try and show Jihyo she wasn’t upset.

“Yeah but I took it too far, I don’t know why I always do that.” Jihyo scolded herself frustratedly. “I keep saying all these stupid things without thinking, I don’t know what’s wrong with me at the moment.”

“Well, you said there’s a lot going on in your personal life right now.” Sana noted gently, Jihyo looked so disappointed in herself and it made Sana physically ache. “And I know for sure that we’re all likely not making things any easier for you, demanding information out of you and… confusing you by kissing you and stuff.”

“Sana’s it’s okay, you were drunk.”

“It’s not okay though, you don’t need to excuse what I did just because I was drunk.” Sana interjected, shaking her head in disapproval. The guilt over her actions that night was nearly all consuming and she needed to apologise again before she felt there was no way of coming back from it. “You were crying and heartbroken, and my solution was to profess my love to you and then kiss you. It was really shitty of me, and I’m so sorry Jihyo.”

“It’s okay Sana, I forgive you.” Jihyo assured her calmly, reaching out a hand to hold Sana’s with. Electricity, there was always electricity whenever they touched. “It’s not as if I haven’t been shitty towards you too, I keep putting you in difficult situations and that’s not fair on you.”

“I guess neither one of us are dealing with this well.” Sana mumbled, sighing deeply as her eyes remained fixed on their intertwined hands. “I never thought this would be so hard.”

“Me neither, I don’t know why I thought we could just be friends and everything would be easy, that was really naïve of me.” Jihyo grumbled, she looked up to gaze at Sana - her eyes soft and warm. “Did you mean it that night? When you said you were in love with me?”

Sana scoffed, shaking her head as her throat seized up. “Does it even matter?”

“I guess not.”

“Do you think, if you weren’t with Momo, you would’ve given us a chance?” Sana asked timidly. Something flickered in Jihyo’s eyes, something akin to reflection.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do, you just don’t want to say.”

“No, I really don’t know Sana.” Jihyo reiterated firmly, her voice was harsher but she never once let go of Sana’s hand. “I don’t know because I don’t know if we would’ve even met if it wasn’t for Momo.”

“Right.”

“I love her Sana, I really do love Momo.” Jihyo whispered sadly. “I love her so much but I keep hurting her and I just feel so shitty all the time lately. I want to stop hurting her, but I can’t even stop hurting myself.”

“I understand, trust me I really do understand what you mean, I wish there was something I could do to help but I just don’t know how.” Sana sighed sadly, squeezing Jihyo’s hand gently. “I wish I could make everything bad go away.”

“I never thought it would be this difficult keeping the fact we’re soulmates a secret from everyone, I keep almost accidentally letting it slip. I nearly told my mom like 4 times over christmas.” Jihyo chuckled to herself quietly.

“Yeah, my mom actually found out we’re soulmates.” Sana winced, fully expecting Jihyo to recoil and back away in anger. But she didn’t, didn’t even release Sana’s hand. “She could tell almost immediately that I can see in colour, and I just kind of spilled the rest.”

“Does she hate me?” Jihyo muttered anxiously.

“No, she was kind of baffled by our situation but she doesn’t hate you at all.” Sana answered calmly. “If I’m being completely honest, because I feel like I owe you total transparency, Haseul also knows and Mina knows I have a soulmate - but she doesn’t know it’s you.”

Jihyo pulled back instantly, eyes wide and chest heaving as she hyperventilated, holding her hands close to her chest. Her eyes shone with unshed tears that threatened to spill and she was shaking slightly, the whole sight felt far to similar to the one she’d seen the week before. Sana didn’t want Jihyo to run away again, there was no way she’d survive watching Jihyo leaving again.

“Please don’t freak out, Mina has _ no _ idea it’s you; I told her it was someone she didn’t know that I’d met for the first time a few months ago and she bought it. I know Mina, and I _ know _she believed me.” Sana clarified quickly, reaching across the table to wrap her hand around Jihyo’s wrist and hold it gently. “As for Haseul, it’s totally fine - there’s no way she’ll tell Momo, she promised me. Besides, she knows you, she knows that you don’t believe in soulmates so she knows you still love Momo.”

“Sana you don’t understand.” Jihyo croaked out, tears were running over her cheeks now and Sana was starting to panic.

“Jihyo you don’t need to worry, please don’t worry, everyone, including me, knows that I don’t have a chance. We all know you don’t believe in soulmates and know that if your parents can make it work, you and Momo totally can.” Sana continued tirelessly, she could sense Jihyo was going to pull away and break again and she couldn’t let that happen. “Momo will never find out and if she does I _ promise _I’ll deny it, I know you want her and that’s okay - I’m okay with it.”

“Sana please- ”

“Please don’t run away, Jihyo. I can’t lose you again.” Sana pleaded desperately, her heart was about to leap out of her chest with how violently it was beating. She could feel the handprint burning against her cheek. “I just needed to tell someone so it didn’t eat me alive, I swear I’m not standing between you and Momo, I just- ”

“Sana, my parents are divorcing.”

Sana’s heart stopped, mouth falling open as the weight of Jihyo’s words struck her like a tonne of bricks. She exhaled slowly, letting go of Jihyo’s wrist and letting her hands fall limp at her sides as she sunk down further into her chair. All she could do was stare at Jihyo, watch the girl fall apart, completely paralysed as her brain tried to comprehend what she’d just been told.

Jihyo’s parents were separating, everything in Jihyo’s life was falling apart along with her everything she’d ever believed in. Suddenly it all made sense, why Jihyo had been so distant with everyone, but especially Momo, why she’d been so quiet over the christmas holidays, why she’d been so secretive about what was going on in her personal life.

She could see Jihyo breaking down before her very eyes, the gravity of her situation bearing down on her once again; it was only when Jihyo stood up on shaky legs, ready to run away, that Sana’s mind and body started cooperating.

“Hey, c’mere.” Sana hushed her gently, standing up and reaching over to gently grab Jihyo’s arm, the girl allowing herself to be pulled into a hug. “It’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.”

It felt like they’d been in this situation countless times in such a short space of time, Sana had almost grown used to the feeling of Jihyo’s tears wetting her shirt, accustomed to the way Jihyo’s whole body would shake as she cried. Sana would hold her in her arms for hours, days even, if that was what it took to heal her heart.

“Please don’t tell anyone, Sana.” Jihyo choked out, allowing Sana to gently pull them both downwards so Sana was sat on the chair and Jihyo in her lap. “_ Please _. I haven’t told anyone yet, not even Nayeon or Momo.”

“Okay, I promise I won’t.” Sana hummed softly, stroking a hand down Jihyo’s spine and rubbing soothing circles all down her back. “You don’t have to tell anyone until you’re ready, I understand. You didn’t have to tell me, but I appreciate you being honest with me. I’m so _ so _fucking sorry, Jihyo.”

“I don’t know what to do, Sana.” Jihyo sobbed quietly, tightening her grip around Sana’s neck as if she was about to fall - but Sana would never let that happen. “They were so _ happy _, I really thought they were happy.”

“When did you- ”

“When I went home for my sisters birthday, back in December, that’s when they told me.” Jihyo hiccuped, nuzzling into Sana’s neck. “They’d been fighting for _ months _ and hadn’t told me, they’d been fighting since before I’d even left for university. It didn’t really hit me that it was all real until christmas. My dad wasn’t even _ there _Sana, he wasn’t at home for christmas.”

“God I’m so sorry Jihyo, I can’t even imagine going through that.” Sana explained tenderly. “You’ll be okay, it’ll just take a little while to get used to.”

Jihyo shuddered in her arms and Sana immediately reacted by pulling her impossibly closer, pressing her lips to Jihyo’s head in a drawn out kiss in an attempt to warm her up. Tears were still pouring from her eyes, her breathing heavy as she tried so desperately to calm herself down. It was taking all of Sana’s will power to not fall apart as well - Jihyo needed her to be strong right now.

“What about me and Momo?” Jihyo pleaded, as if Sana held the key to fix anything.

Sana froze, it was a question she both didn’t want to answer and equally didn’t know what to answer. Jihyo’s parents divorcing was bound to bring big changes to Jihyo’s whole belief system; she was losing her argument against soulmates with her parents divorcing, surely she had to change her mind about soulmates as a result. She’d stiffened involuntarily, not even realising she had until she felt Jihyo start to pull away.

As she pulled Jihyo flush against her once again, she knew that despite all her hopes and dreams there was only one acceptable response.

“You and Momo aren’t them.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


The week after Sana’s meetup with Jihyo had been long and arduous.

Jihyo had started to pull away again, and had started to drag Momo with her as well. The couple spent nearly every waking moment together at Jihyo’s dorm. Whilst she was happy for her best friend, relieved to see her so happy once again, the whole situation was bittersweet. Momo being happy with Jihyo again meant Sana saw her a whole lot less, and when she did see her she was always with Jihyo or on her way to see Jihyo. She was losing her best friend _ again _, but that wasn’t even the worst part of it.

She was losing Jihyo and she missed her like crazy already.

It almost felt like Jihyo had gone into self preservation mode, shutting out all of her friends apart from Nayeon and Momo in a desperate attempt to keep herself safe and not complicate things. And Sana understood why, she knew why she was doing it, but it didn’t mean it hurt any less.

Being friends with Jihyo was both the most painful thing in existence, whilst also being something Sana knew she’d fight tirelessly for if she had to. She just _ needed _Jihyo in her life, it didn’t even matter to her how anymore.

Sana sipped on her gin and tonic leisurely, waiting for Nayeon to re emerge from the bathroom. The girl had practically begged Sana to go out clubbing with her, making up some bullshit excuse about how she was ‘going through alcohol withdrawals’ after not going clubbing or going to any parties for a whole week. Part of her had wanted to make up her own bullshit excuse for why she couldn’t go, cite an essay being due or choreography she needed to go over, but deep down, Sana knew she needed the night off as well, needed a night to just have fun and try to forget about Jihyo.

But the backlights that illuminated the bar were yellow, and Nayeon was wearing a pink crop top. It felt like the universe was determined to litter her world with reminders of her and Jihyo.

“You still haven’t told me all the details from your night of passion with Haseul a couple weeks back.” Nayeon stated matter-of-factly as soon as she took her seat next to Sana. “I need _ all _ the gossip Sana, Haseul keeps telling me to ask you if I want details and I’m _ dying _here.”

“I’ve already told you what happened. Nothing, nothing happened.” Sana answered casually.

“Please, we all saw those hickey’s Sana. You can’t honestly expect me to believe nothing happened.” Nayeon scoffed, eyeing Sana disbelievingly. “Just admit I’m an amazing matchmaker who found your perfect girl.”

“Why would I ‘admit’ something that wasn’t true? That’d just be lying.” Sana guffawed teasingly, laughing at Nayeon’s overdramatic pout. “I’ve told you like a million times already, Haseul and I made out, it got heated but I put a stop to it before it could go too far.”

“But why? Haseul is a great girl and you two would be perfect together.” Nayeon whined grumpily. “I mean, clearly you two have great chemistry.”

“She’s not who I want, Nayeon, you’re just going to have to accept that.” Sana maintained confidently.

“Oh yeah? Who _ do _ you want?”

The name was on the end of her tongue, desperate to be spoken and finally shared with the world.

“My soulmate.” Sana hummed, a smirk playing on her lips. The name remained unspoken, but at least Sana herself knew who she meant. “And Haseul isn’t my soulmate, so she can never be the perfect girl for me.”

“You really are infuriatingly stubborn, Minatozaki.” Nayeon grumbled frustratedly, taking a long gulp of her beer. “It is possible to love someone who isn’t your soulmate, live a long and happy life with someone other than your soulmate.”

“Well, that’s all well and good for them, but that’s not what I want.” Sana deflected easily, her heart ached as she thought back to Jihyo’s parents; if only Nayeon knew what was going on in the Park household, perhaps she would change her mind. “Everyone in my family is with their soulmate, I don’t see why I should be any different.”

“And you _ will _find your soulmate, but there’s nothing wrong with seeing someone else until then.” Nayeon proposed, this seemed like an argument with no clear ending. “Dating is so much fun, who knows you might find someone you really love.”

There was no reason for Sana to feel like this, there was no logical reason for her throat to feel so rough and her chest so bottomless, but soulmate and relationship conversations always hurt a lot more recently. Sana could have both, in another timeline Sana would be in a relationship _ with _her soulmate and would be so happy and in love; but this wasn’t another timeline, and instead Sana had neither.

“But what if I find my soulmate whilst I’m dating someone else?” Sana asked cautiously, part of her really didn’t want to hear the answer - knew that no matter what Nayeon said, she’d have her feelings hurt - but she just _ had _to know if what she felt was unreasonable. “What do I do then?”

“Well, it’s up to you I guess.” Nayeon responded, clearly confused by the question and unsure of her answer. “I guess most people would leave their partner for their soulmate, but I suppose it would depend on the situation. Why?”

“No reason, just a scenario I’ve often worried about.” Sana lied, stomach clenching uncomfortably as she tried to keep it together.

“God, imagine that. Finding your soulmate but they’re already dating someone.” Nayeon whistled lowly, taking a swig of her drink as Sana gulped hers down hurriedly, suddenly unable to stand being sober for another second. “What do you even do in a situation like that? Do things like that happen?”

“Probably.” Sana mumbled, doing her best to lie as convincingly as possible. “I honestly can’t even imagine being in a situation like that. I’d probably lose my mind.”

“I feel like I’d just do anything to keep them in my life.” Nayeon decided thoughtfully, seemingly unaware to Sana’s sudden dip in mood. “Like, even if we weren’t together in that sense, I’d do everything in my power to not lose them from my life.”

“Yeah.” Sana nodded solemnly, her heart thudding dully as she tried to regulate her breathing and force back tears. “I can’t imagine losing your soulmate from your life.”

“Me neither.” Nayeon agreed, clicking her tongue and suddenly clapping her hands together causing Sana to jolt suddenly. “Anyway! Where should we go tonight? We can’t go to 24/7 because Sorn is going to be there and I’m pretty sure she’s still mad at me.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Being just friends with Jihyo was difficult beyond belief, but it was also the only option at that moment. Realistically, Sana knew that for her and Jihyo, their only options were friends or nothing - because Momo and Jihyo were back to being disgustingly in love, and Sana had a sinking feeling she’d missed her chance.

The old Sana would’ve just run away, tried to push Jihyo away and hurt her as a defense mechanism to stop Jihyo from breaking her heart first. But things were different now, her heart had already been broken over a hundred times and the conversation she’d had with Nayeon had really stuck with her. Without her even knowing it, Nayeon had managed to give her some of the best advice she’d received so far for what to do with herself throughout this whole soulmate dilemma. 

No matter how much it hurt to be around Jihyo, having to hang out with the girl she was so painfully in love with and the girl she’d chosen to be with instead of Sana, at least Jihyo was sticking around this time. For the first time in a while, it felt like Jihyo was settled once again, she was no longer on edge at all times and thus no longer trying to shut her friends out of her life.

It was like something had switched in Jihyo’s brain over the past couple days, as if someone had said something to her because she was at their apartment more often again. Spending extended periods of time just hanging out with Jeongyeon in their living room just laughing loudly and having fun. Jihyo was smiling a lot more lately, Sana was getting more and more images of Jihyo’s gummy smile to store in her brain.

A few months ago and Sana would’ve recoiled herself at Jihyo advancing on their home - making herself scarce for hours on end just to avoid seeing Jihyo, whether that be Jihyo on her own or Jihyo with Momo. But it was different now, it was as if the whole dynamic in the group had changed and they were growing closer - all of them. It was a long overdo change, even Sana had admit that, but seeing everyone getting along so well made the wait worth it.

Being around Jihyo still hurt, seeing Jihyo and knowing she didn’t love her would never not pierce her very soul, it was almost as if there was a bottomless pit in her stomach permanently. But none of it mattered, Sana didn’t care that she was losing sleep once again from the pain, couldn’t give less of a shit that her performance in dance classes was taking a hit as a result of her muscles aching constantly and her lack of energy. She liked seeing Jihyo happy again.

But there was just something not right about all of it, no matter how happy and excitable everyone seemed together, no matter how loved up Jihyo and Momo were, it always felt like there was something waiting for them around the corner - that this wouldn’t work forever and it was only a matter of time before one of Jihyo’s secrets got out and everything fell apart again.

Sana was trying so hard to not be negative, she wanted so badly to enjoy the peace and set aside her own personal pain and struggling if it meant everything worked out in the end - but there was just something off in her mind, she couldn’t trust it.

As Sana leant against their kitchen counter, watching Momo, Jihyo and Jeongyeon laughing loudly in the living room as they played a game on their Wii, her entire body felt overwhelmingly conflicted, to the point it was uncomfortable and made her want to leave. No matter how happy the three of them looked, Sana could practically hear a timer ticking in her head - it just felt like they were all on borrowed time and it was frightening.

Every now and then, Jihyo would look over her shoulder to meet Sana’s gaze. Her soft smile was so warm and mesmerising, each time Sana could feel herself getting lost in her eyes. 

Then she saw it, that faint glint of something other than happiness in Jihyo’s eyes; something akin to fear, almost as if Jihyo could hear the timer ticking away as well.

  
  


* * *

  
  


_ “So, how’s ‘just friends’ going then?” _Haseul asked, Sana could hear the sarcasm dripping from her tone.

“It’s going really well actually, like surprisingly well.” Sana answered honestly, leaning back in her desk chair and humming quietly. “I didn’t know if we’d be able to make it work, to be honest, but it’s been like 2 weeks now and everything is going great, I honestly don’t have any complaints.”

“_ I’m surprised as well, I didn’t think you’d last this long to be honest.” _ Haseul whistled lowly, laughing shamelessly at her own teasing comment, Sana just scoffing incredulously. “ _ Don’t take it personally Sana, but I saw you that night when you were sobbing about Jihyo because you loved her but she didn’t want you. Honestly, I just didn’t expect you to be able to survive friends. _”

“Yeah, but I was super drunk and emotional that night, I’m mature enough to make it work.” Sana defended, she could practically hear Haseul’s eye roll through the phone. “We _ both _are, I honestly think this whole ‘just friends’ thing will last.”

“_ There’s nothing wrong with admitting you hate being just friends, Sana. _ ” Haseul pressed gently, Sana clenched her jaw and shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Having a confidant like Haseul outside of their intimate group of friends had proven incredibly crucial the past 2 weeks; but equally, she’d been nothing but an annoyance with how easily she could read Sana. “ _ What your doing _ is _ really mature and admirable, but you don’t have to pretend it’s perfect and you’re loving every second of it. We’ve been over this. _”

“I know.” Sana mumbled tiredly.

“_ Okay, so tell me how you’re really doing? How is ‘just friends’ actually going?” _Haseul restated her question and Sana knew there was no skipping details this time.

“I didn’t completely lie, ‘just friends’ is going well, I just don’t know how much longer that’s going to keep being the case.” Sana admitted reluctantly, wincing when she heard Haseul groan in disappointment over the phone. “Everything is going so well, _ too _well, it almost feels like it’s destined to go wrong, and soon. It just feels like some secret is going to come out and then it’ll all fall apart.”

“_ What do you mean? You’ve kept you and Jihyo being soulmates a secret for a while now, why would it all go to shit now?” _ Haseul questioned, confused but trying to understand as best as she could. “ _ Has Jihyo done something, or nearly let it slip?” _

“No, it’s not just us being soulmates that I’m worried about getting out, there’s some other stuff going on that I really can’t get into. It’s not my place.” Sana explained. “But hey! If it does end up getting out, I’m sure you’ll hear all about it.”

“_ Sana, it’s going to be okay. No matter what happens or what gets out, I’m sure it’ll all be resolvable.” _ Haseul soothed her softly. _ “You and Jihyo staying in each others lives but just as friends, if you want my honest opinion, is never going to work long term. I can tell how much of a toll it’s taking on you, even if you don’t want to admit it.” _

“I just can’t stand the thought of losing her, Haseul.” Sana whimpered sadly. “I’ll do anything to keep her in my life, I can’t lose her.”

“_ I know Sana, I know it’s hard. _ ” Haseul comforted her sympathetically. “ _ I can’t do a whole lot, I promised you I wouldn’t interfere. But, Sana,” _

“Yeah?”

“_ Be careful, because this whole thing feels like a timebomb, and you’re someone most at risk from the fallout.” _

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Mina I’m about to _ kill _your soulmate in a second, get her to give me my phone back!”

“You know I have absolutely no control over Jeongyeon, I wish I did, but she’s like a stubborn kid sometimes.”

“Yeah Jihyo, suck it, Mina has absolutely _ zero _control over me, so you have absolutely no chance.”

“Don’t push it Yoo, I work out and I won’t hesitate to beat the shit out of you.”

“Please don’t damage her face, it’s her best quality.”

“Minari! What about my amazing sense of humour?”

“No matter how much I love you, I will never pretend you’re funny, Jeongyeon.”

“It’s times like this I really do pity, Mina.” Nayeon piped up from next to Sana, startling her slightly. She’d been so distracted watching Jihyo and Jeongyeon fight on the sofa from the kitchen, she hadn’t even noticed Nayeon sidled up beside her. “Her soulmate really is just an overgrown kid.”

“That she absolutely is.” Sana hummed, tilting her head in indifference. She looked over at Mina, grinning to herself as she saw how Mina was watching Jeongyeon and Jihyo with such a fond expression. “I don’t think Mina minds though, you can tell just how much she really does love her.”

“She really does, it’d be cute if it wasn’t so disgusting.” Nayeon commented, deliberately making an over-exaggerated gagging noise as if to punctuate her statement.

“As long as they limit the PDA tonight, I’m fine with them.” Sana shrugged, pointedly raising her voice so Jeongyeon and Mina could hear - chuckling at how Jeongyeon paused where she’d been holding Jihyo’s phone over her head to glare at Sana.

“You and I _ both _know that Mina and I aren’t the problem when it comes to PDA.” Jeongyeon scoffed in disbelief, pointing Jihyo’s phone at Sana and shooting her an unconvinced look. “Momo and Jihyo are by far the worst when it comes to PDA.”

“No we’re not, you and Mina are way worse.” Jihyo pouted, snatching her phone out of Jeongyeon’s hand and sticking her tongue out at her childishly.

“That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.” Jeongyeon guffawed, shaking her head at Jihyo. “The sheer amount of times I’ve walked in on you two practically _ dry humping _on the sofa- ”

“_ It doesn’t count as PDA if we thought we were in private!” _ Jihyo countered quickly before Jeongyeon could continue, her face flushed deep red as she smacked at Jeongyeon’s arms.

Sana didn’t miss the apologetic look Jihyo shot her, it hurt way more than it should and Sana was really wishing she had missed it.

“I’d just like to add I’ve walked in on you and Momo fucking on several occasions, and I don’t even live with either of you.” Nayeon chimed in, the situation really should be funny especially if Sana and Jihyo were ‘just friends’, but the more Sana thought about Jihyo and Momo having sex, the more she wanted to be sick. “And I’d like to point one of those occasions was in a public toilet, so that absolutely counts as PDA.”

“What are we talking about?” Momo inquired innocently as she emerged from the hallway - having just got back class.

“Nothing! We were just about to change the subject anyway.” Jihyo interjected quickly, clearly sensing Jeongyeon and Nayeon were about to continue the conversation, sauntering over to press a gentle kiss to Momo’s lips, rolling her eyes when Nayeon started gagging loudly. “God, grow up Nayeon.”

“What movie does everyone want to watch?” Mina interrupted, desperate to change the subject and prevent further arguments. “We watched Love Rosie as per Nayeon’s request last time, so it’s someone else’s turn to choose.”

“I really don’t mind what we watch.” Momo shrugged, wrapping an arm around Jihyo’s shoulders and pulling her close. “As long as it’s not horror, sorry Satang.”

“Wuss.” Sana grumbled, folding her arms over her chest as she pouted at Momo.

“We could watch Coco?” Mina suggested.

“God, I love Coco, but that movie always makes me cry and I’m really not in the mood for that kind of emotional rollercoaster tonight.” Jihyo answered, Jeongyeon making some kind of sound of agreement from somewhere by the sofa.

“How about Maleficent?” Nayeon proposed, everyone immediately turning to look at one another and gauge each others reactions. “I’ve heard it’s really good, plus Angelina Jolie is crazy hot in it.”

“I’m good with that.” Jeongyeon chirped, everyone else humming in agreement.

“See? Once again I save the day with another one of my amazing ideas.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


It took 5 minutes into the movie before Momo and Jeongyeon started arguing over snacks. The pair were notorious for starting stupid arguments for the sake of it, and then vehemently proclaiming they were warranted. This time, according to Momo, Jeongyeon was apparently hogging the popcorn and not letting Momo get any, whilst Jeongyeon was quick to point out that if Momo got the bowl it’d take 3 seconds before all the popcorn was gone.

Sana sat on the armchair adjacent to the sofa and relaxed, watching it all unfold, if Momo and Jeongyeon poking at each other wasn’t entertaining enough - the looks of pure exhaustion on Mina and Jihyo’s faces was hilarious enough. Mina’s eyes remained fixed on the TV, frown perfectly etched onto her features; whilst Jihyo’s gaze flitted between Momo, the TV and the occasional glancing over at Sana as well.

The glances were nothing more than friendly, innocent silent communication that said “look at what I have to deal with”, but each time she and Jihyo locked eyes - Sana’s heart would flutter involuntarily; but then she’d see Momo’s arm secured around Jihyo’s shoulders, and her heart would just hurt instead.

Almost a full hour into the movie, after Mina smacked Jeongyeon on the side of the head and told her to shut up, everything had calmed down again and everyone was transfixed by the movie - watching it in near silence save for the quiet sounds of people eating.

It was a really great film and Sana was trying really hard to focus on it, but she couldn’t keep her eyes off Jihyo. She’d spent her whole life searching for her soulmate, had waited 19 years to find her and then almost lost her so many times; it almost felt like a waste to not look at her.

There wasn’t a single second where Jihyo wasn’t on her mind in some shape or form, and with everything going on in Jihyo’s life - she was thinking about her even more lately.

Jihyo was doing an excellent job of pretending to be okay, a stark contrast to how she’d been less than a month ago. It was almost surprising how well she seemed to be taking her parents divorce, given how much she’d idolised them for going against the status quo to be together instead of searching for their soulmates - they were the sole reason for why Jihyo was so adamantly against soulmates, their divorce should’ve driven her to change her outlook on soulmates. But, it seemed to have had an opposing effect.

She was only human, it would’ve been unreasonable for Sana to _ not _ get envious and bitter every time she saw Momo and Jihyo together. Whilst she knew it was something she was going to have to work on getting better at dealing with if she wanted to keep Jihyo in her life; she also knew she was never going to like it, it was never going to _ not _hurt.

That pang of jealousy in her gut at the sight of Jihyo and Momo cuddled up on the sofa was a feeling she seemed to always have lately.

“Hey, which bowl are the pretzels in?” Mina piped up suddenly, leaning over to try and peer into all of the nearly empty bowls.

“The blue one.” Jihyo replied casually.

No one reacted for almost a full minute, Sana could feel her heart hammering in her throat as panic spread throughout her body. Mina just simply reached over, grabbed the blue bowl off the table and started eating, it really felt for a split second that they’d gotten away with it.

“Wait, what the _ fuck _did you just say?”

The ticking in the back of Sana’s head stopped.

  
  


* * *

  
  


_ “You can see in colour?” _

_ “Wait, so you’ve met your soulmate?” _

_ “How long have you known who your soulmate was?” _

_ “Who is it?” _

_ “Is it someone we know?” _

_ “Why didn’t you tell us?” _

_ “When were you planning on telling us?” _

_ “Were you ever _ going _ to tell us?” _

_ “Jihyo, I can’t fucking _ believe _ you didn’t tell anyone you’d met your soulmate.” _

The room erupted into noise seconds after the meaning behind Jihyo’s words struck Jeongyeon, the girl had practically leapt out of her seat so she could properly look at Jihyo her facial expression the epitome of confusion. An inordinate number of questions were being fired at the girl at an extremely fast pace, and Sana couldn’t help but feel bad that she couldn’t help Jihyo deal with them all.

Nayeon looked like she was about to burst a blood vessel with how red her face was, whilst Jeongyeon was pacing around the living room as she continued to fire off questions at Jihyo - practically tearing her hair out. Mina was staring daggers at Sana, the glare told her so many different things but the main thing was that Mina now knew _ everything _ and thus Sana would be getting a phone call that night once everything had died down.

Momo looked like she’d just been shot. With her eyes wide and mouth agape as she stared at Jihyo helplessly, it was the most terrified Sana had ever seen Momo look before. All the colour had drained from her face, almost as if all the life had drained from her body as well, leaving her an empty shell.

And yet, no one looked as scared and defenceless as Jihyo. The girls shields were well and truly up as she covered her face with her hands, curled up into a ball and just sobbed. Not a single word able to pass her lips beyond the occasional choked up and desperate “I’m so sorry.”. 

This really was as if one of Sana’s worst nightmares had come true.

She didn’t know what to do, she felt truly petrified and useless as she watched the whole scene unfold before her very eyes. And Sana couldn’t stand watching anymore - it was too much for her to deal with.

No one batted an eyelid when Sana silently stood up from her chair, turning on her heel and near running towards the sanctity of her bedroom. It felt like the cowards choice, retreating to where she didn’t have to deal with the fallout, but there wasn’t anything Sana could say or do that would make this any better; her best option was to just get out of that situation before she did or said anything stupid that’d make everything worse.

Sana wanted to help, wanted so badly to wrap Jihyo into her warm embrace and wipe away all her tears as she shielded her from all the questions and the anger - but that just wasn’t an option. And sitting there silently almost seemed worse than escaping.

But Sana could still hear Jihyo’s broken sobs, even in the safety of her room, even with headphones in with music playing at maximum volume.

All she could hear was Jihyo.

  
  
  
  


Sana [21:52pm]

hey i hope you’re okay

i just

i wanted to help but i didnt know

how to

the yelling has stopped so i know

youve gone back to your dorm

i hope you’re okay

im sorry i couldnt do more

i really wanted to hug you

i know that wouldn’t have helped but

please message me when you see

this

Jihyo [23:21pm]

im an idiot im such a fucking idiot

god i just want to curl up in a ball

and die

im just the worst person ever putting

you and everyone in that situation

they probably all hate me

can’t even blame them

i ruin everything im so sorry sana

Sana [23:23pm]

stop saying that you’re not a bad

person

you’re a good person who made a

couple mistakes

it’ll be okay this is fixable

momo loves you and if you love her

too i doubt she’ll break up with you

you do love her, right?

Jihyo [23:24pm]

right, of course i do

She knew that answer was coming, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less to have to see it for herself. It was easy to pretend she still had a chance when she didn’t have to look at the confirmation herself.

Sana [23:24pm]

right

she’ll be kinda shocked but once

you explain that to her she’ll be

fine

momo isnt unreasonable and she

loves you too

Jihyo [23:25pm]

sana im so fucking sorry

i don't know whats wrong with me

my head is all over the place and

i just keep bothering you with my

problems and its not fair

i know you probably hate me given

how much i bother you

Sana [23:26pm]

stop apologising jihyo

you’re never a bother not even

when youre talking about momo

im always here for you

i don't hate you

i could never hate you

youre too wonderful

Jihyo [23:27pm]

i don't deserve someone like you

in my life

youre wonderful too

Sana [23:28pm]

well clearly the universe disagrees

with you

we’re soulmates for a reason hyo

now get some rest okay?

you’ve had a long, stressful day

Jihyo [23:28pm]

ill do my best to get some sleep

you should too

goodnight sana

see you soon?

Sana [23:29pm]

goodnight jihyo

ill see you soon :)

  
  
  


It was gone 3am and Sana was still wide awake. There was never any chance she’d be able to fall asleep, with everything that’d happened that evening it was near impossible for her to turn her brain off.

She was sat at her desk, scrolling through Jihyo’s instagram looking at all of the pretty pictures, reading all of the captions and letting her mind race and her heart ache. There were so many photos of Momo, so many loving captions and flirtatious comments. This was the life she wanted for herself, the relationship she’d dreamt of having with her soulmate. Sana had always been a hopeless romantic at heart, she’d always wanted to shower her soulmate with love and adoration.

Having to see Jihyo shower Momo with that kind of love was torturous.

Sana wondered if Jihyo and Momo could come back from this, wondered if Momo was going to be selfish and beg Jihyo to stay, or be selfless and tell Jihyo to go. Wondered how much longer these pretty pictures of Momo would remain on Jihyo’s instagram, hoped that someday they’d be replaced with pretty pictures of Sana instead - pictures of Sana sleeping soundly in Jihyo’s sheets, Jihyo wearing Sana’s hoodies and Sana pressing kisses to Jihyo’s cheeks. She wondered if those photos would hurt Momo in the same way they hurt Sana, wondered if Momo would leave cute and encouraging comments like Sana did.

But, Jihyo was scared and Sana could tell it. Sana knew that if Momo asked Jihyo to stay and be with her instead of Sana, that she’d do it without hesitation. There was no way to tell what was on Jihyo’s mind because she was too scared to share it.

Sana already knew she had no chance of being with Jihyo is Momo chose to be selfish, Momo truly controlled Sana’s fate and chance of happiness without even knowing it. If Momo would just be selfless and let Jihyo go.

Her phone buzzed on her desk next to her, and Sana knew who it was before she even checked - knew what the text would say instantly.

  
  


Jihyo [3:13am]

sana am i a good person?

i cant sleep and i just need to know

Sana [3:14am]

ive said it before and ill say it a

million times if you need me to

you’re a good person jihyo

the best even

  
  


* * *

  
  


“_ You’ve got some explaining to do, Minatozaki. _ ” Mina’s voice cut through her ear drums loud and sharp, Sana really regretted not checking caller ID before answering the phone. “ _ And I’m expecting proper answers, no more lies. _”

“Good morning, Minari.” Sana drawled sarcastically down the phone, her voice still rough from sleep. “How nice of you to call, may I ask what this is about?”

“_ Don’t act dumb Sana, it doesn’t suit you. _” Mina scoffed.

“No but seriously, I only just woke up and I’m kinda frazzled right now, so you’re going to have to be more specific.” Sana lied, she was stalling the inevitable conversation and she knew Mina could tell.

“_ Jihyo is your soulmate, isn’t she?” _ Mina stated, no question of a doubt in her tone and Sana audibly gulped. “ _ You two kissed at the Halloween party, and unless Jihyo has kissed someone after that and cheated on Momo or had a soulmate this whole time, you have to be her soulmate.” _

Sana was speechless, she knew that Mina knew - had known this conversation was coming ever since Jihyo had slipped up the night before - but she still had no idea how to respond. She’d spent the whole evening worrying about Jihyo and thinking about their potential future, she hadn’t even thought about Mina.

“_ Sana? Are you still there? _”

“Yeah, yeah I’m here.” Sana cleared her throat awkwardly, trying to clear any trace of sleep from her voice. “I just don’t know what to say.”

“_ Well, am I right? Or am I wrong and this is just all some crazy coincidence, and you and Jihyo aren’t soulmates?” _Mina pressed, tone dripping with sarcasm.

“No.” Sana whispered sadly, part of her had really wanted to lie and try to come up with some bullshit excuse for everything - but Sana was just so _ tired. _“You’re right, Jihyo and I are soulmates.”

“_ Fuck, Sana… just, _ fuck.” Mina muttered, audibly exhaling and groaning to herself. “ _ Fuck, I should’ve known. I’m just- god this is a fucking mess, Sana. _”

“I know, my whole life is kind of a fucking mess right now.” Sana whimpered, tears already streaming down her cheeks but she didn’t even bother to try and stop them. “It’s been the worst few months of my whole life, Mina, and it doesn’t seem to ever want to get better.”

“_ It will get better Sana, trust me it will. _ ” Mina hushed her gently. “ _ I don’t know what to say, I just can’t believe this, you’ve had to keep this a secret for like 3 months?” _

“It’s been so difficult, I told my mother when I went back for christmas and then Haseul that night at Seungwan’s party.” Sana explained, hiccuping over nearly every word she spoke as she slowly started to cry harder. “She’s the reason Haseul and I didn’t sleep together that night, I just couldn’t stop thinking about Jihyo. She’s all I think about all the time, I want to get her out of my head but I can’t.”

“_ You’re in love with Jihyo… you’re in love with Momo’s girlfriend. _ ” Mina mumbled to herself as Sana just cried harder into the phone. “ _ Does she- do you think she loves you back?” _

“No.” Sana sobbed, sniffling pathetically as she tried to speak. It felt like she was going to be sick with how violently her whole body was shaking, everything just _ hurt _. “She’s still in love with Momo, she’s never going to see me as anything more than a friend.”

“_ God, I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but,” _ Mina murmured in quiet disbelief, “ _ are you sure she doesn’t feel the same? _”

“She literally told me last night that she still loves and wants to be with Momo, she doesn’t want me Mina - _ no one _ wants me.” Sana wept hopelessly.

“_ Okay, but when was the last time you asked her how she feels about _ you _ ? _” Mina challenged, Sana froze for a second - tears still cascading over her cheeks, but her breathing stopped. 

“I don’t know.” Sana admitted slowly. “But, at the start, when we first found out, she made it very clear she didn’t want to be with me - ever.”

“_ This is a really difficult situation for Jihyo too, Sana. Yes, I’m sure after you first found out she probably didn’t want to be with you. But, feelings change - I mean, yours definitely did.” _ Mina explained gently, and for the first time in what felt like ages, Sana’s head wasn’t going crazy trying to figure out what it all meant. “ _ When you ask the easy questions, you’re only going to get simple answers. You ask her if she loves Momo, she’s going to say yes because of course she does, and she’s not going to say much more than that. But, you never bother to ask her how she feels about you. Her feelings for you could’ve changed, it’s very possible she likes both of you but doesn’t know how to deal with it. _”

“Oh.”

“_ Jihyo and Momo have a lot to work through right now, so maybe now isn’t the best time to be questioning her. And it’s _ definitely _ not the time for you to be trying to get Jihyo to choose you. _ ” Mina added. “ _ But, it’s just something for you to think about. You’re not unlovable, Sana, I know you probably think you are, but you’re not. _”

“Okay, thank you Mina.”

“_ I love you, Sana. _”

“Love you too.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sana didn’t leave her room until it was nearly 5pm, essentially going into a state of paralysis and just lying in bed for hours. She just felt so guilty, her heart was aching so badly and she just felt like the shittiest human being alive because all she wanted was to see Jihyo. All Sana wanted was to see Jihyo, hold Jihyo, _ kiss _Jihyo and just be with Jihyo always.

As Sana lay in bed, drinking in all the colours that made up her bedroom, her life, it physically pained her how easy it was for her to just draw associations with Jihyo for each and every single one. This wasn’t a life she could keep living for much longer, it was too hard. Her bedroom painted bright purple, and purple made her think of that purple sweatshirt of Momo’s that Jihyo would wear around their apartment; whenever she’d run into Jihyo during their late night kitchen encounters, she was always wearing that jumper.

Her bed sheets were pale blue, the colour of the sky and one of Jihyo’s favourite colours. As she pulled the duvet up tighter around her chest, inhaling deeply, it was strange how she could almost smell Jihyo’s perfume - despite her never actually being in Sana’s bed - but it didn’t matter, because it was enough already to make Sana’s head swim.

Her own home was full of reminders of Jihyo, and it wasn’t fair.

The front door slammed shut, and Sana jolted out of bed immediately. She had never really been able to hear the front door from her bed before, but she heard the way the door had been slammed loud and clear - Momo must be home from spending the day out, most likely at Jihyo’s.

She wondered how she was, wanted so badly to go and check on her best friend, but the guilt that settled in the pit of her stomach made her feel like she was unable to move. Sana wanted to comfort Momo, but it was more of a question of whether Momo would actually want comfort from her.

Momo wasn’t stupid, far from it, so it wasn’t unreasonable to assume Momo had probably figured out who Jihyo’s soulmate most likely was.

There were quiet voices in the living room, and Sana knew it was rude of her to want to eavesdrop, but she couldn’t stop herself from getting out of bed and tiptoeing over to her bedroom door - opening it ever so slightly so she could hear what was being said in the living room. It was Jeongyeon and Momo, it sounded like Momo was crying and Sana’s gut clenched with regret.

“Well, what did she say?” Jeongyeon asked Momo gently, Sana wished she could be a part of the conversation and see what was actually going on, but that just didn’t seem possible. “Did she say _ anything _.”

“She just cried, and cried and then I started crying and… God, I don’t know what to do Jeong.” Momo croaked out, sniffing as she tried to stop herself from crying. “I love her so much, I was so certain she was it for me, and she just kept telling me she loves me too- ”

“But it just felt like there was a ‘but’ coming the whole time?” Jeongyeon calmly finished Momo’s sentence for her as the girl broke out into loud sobs. “Do you no longer think she’s ‘it’ for you?”

“No, god no, it still feels like she’s the love of my life. She still makes me feel weightless and just _ so _ in love, but I don’t know if I’m it for _ her _anymore.” Momo answered sadly, Sana’s grip on her door handle tightened as she tried not to cry. “I just don’t know what to do, I wish I knew what to do, but she’s making it so difficult.”

“Well, Jihyo’s never believed in soulmates - she’s always made that adamantly clear.” Jeongyeon offered comfortingly. “And, she’s chosen you over her soulmate this whole time, that _ has _to mean something.”

“Do you think it does?” Momo pleaded hopefully. “When I got over there, god, she looked like she hadn’t slept all night and she was just staring at photos of her parents.”

“She’s always admired her parents, Momo.” Jeongyeon consoled her tenderly. “If they can make it work over all those years, despite not being soulmates, then I don’t see why you two can’t? If she wants you, then let her choose you.”

Sana couldn’t take it anymore, quietly closing her door and padding back over to her bed - tears already flowing from her eyes and a hand firmly clamped over her mouth to silence her sobs.

She was really about to lose Jihyo, and it was for all the wrong reasons.

They really had no idea about Jihyo’s parents divorce, and Momo was really about to beg Jihyo to stay without knowing Jihyo had likely already lost her faith. She was about to lose Jihyo to Momo before she’d even really had a chance to fight for her, and she couldn’t even complain about it. She really shouldn’t complain about it.

She really shouldn’t.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The apartment remained near empty the entire weekend, with Sana being the only person still there. Momo left late on friday night, no explanation of where she was going - not even a text to let Sana know what her plans were - whilst Jeongyeon left saturday morning, going to stay with Mina for the weekend. There was a strange emptiness to the apartment, she’d been alone there for extended periods of time before, but the apartment had never felt so empty, so cold and so alien - it just didn’t feel like home.

It was particularly strange because, in the past, Sana had relished her private time; looked forward to those days when Momo would get back from uni late and Jeongyeon had plans with Mina, leaving her alone in the apartment for a while to just relax and enjoy the peace. But that weekend was unbearable, being left alone to her thoughts for those painfully long two days.

Everytime Sana laid eyes on anything that reminded her of Jihyo, no matter how weak the connection or how trivial the item actually was, it made her feel physically sick, the ever present lump in her throat shifting uncomfortably and making her eyes well with tears. And of course, the apartment was full of reminders.

Each reminder made her think of how alone she truly was, and the silence that ricocheted off the walls of the apartment, striking her from all directions, did nothing to soothe her lonely heart.

But, Momo’s absence in particular was what left the whole apartment so quiet, and the silence was so deafeningly loud, with Sana having to plug her ears every time she walked past Momo’s bedroom door. No matter how conflicting her feelings surrounding Momo had been the past few months, when she wasn’t around Sana truly felt her absence in her heart. 

Sana was just so afraid of whether Momo knew or not, was terrified of the prospect of Momo hating her because the universe had chosen for her best friend and her girlfriend to be soulmates. She felt so selfish for wanting so badly for Momo to just do everything for Sana’s own benefit; desperate for Momo to leave Jihyo, but still choose to be around Sana, even if Jihyo then chose Sana.

She wanted so badly to be able to be selfish without consequences, without anyone else getting hurt.

The sheer excitement Sana felt when she heard keys being turned in the front door, just after midnight on Sunday night, was a type of joy she hadn’t felt in a while - the comfort she felt knowing she wasn’t going to be alone for much longer made her want to cry. And when it was Momo who emerged from the hallway, all shy smiles and hesitant waves, Sana released the deepest sigh of relief.

Momo was smiling so widely at her, she didn’t look angry or betrayed at all, she looked genuinely happy to see Sana.

“Hey Satang.” Momo breathed, exhaustion painfully obvious in her tone. “Sorry I’ve not been around this weekend, it’s been a long and stressful couple days.”

“I can only imagine, I missed you though Momoring.” Sana chirped happily, opening her arms in an invitation for Momo to join her on the sofa.

“I missed you too.” Momo hummed sleepily, cuddling up to Sana on the sofa.

“Are you okay?” Sana asked gently, toying her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to words to say. “Is everything okay with… y’know?”

“I think everything is okay, I hope it is at least.” Momo mumbled in response, Sana bit her tongue to stop herself from interrupting. “We just _ talked _all weekend long, I’ve never cried so much in my whole life, I’ve never seen Jihyo cry so much either. She just kept apologising, begging me to forgive her as if this had been her choice and she’d wanted for this to happen.”

“Well, how do you feel about it all?” Sana inquired calmly, expertly masking how anxious she felt and not letting her voice waver. “What are your thoughts, Momoring?”

“I don’t know, I honestly don’t know what to think or say to be honest. I just, I never once thought this would ever _ actually _ happen to me, like you discuss it as a possible scenario with your friends or your parents, but I never thought it would actually happen to me.” Momo rambled sadly, voice cracking slightly over different words. “It’s so easy to say you’d just ‘step aside, let them be with their soulmate’ but I just _ can’t, _ I just can’t do it Sana. I love her so much.”

“I know you do, Momo, I know.” Sana whispered, the way her heart was physically splintering was too painful to ignore. “What are you going to do?”

“We’re going to work through it.” Momo stated firmly, Sana had to bite down on her tongue _ hard _to stop herself from screaming out. “I love her and she loves me, fuck the universe, we can make it work.”

Sana’s lungs felt as if they were on fire, her whole throat burned with the overwhelming urge to say something. It took all of her willpower, every single selfless instinct she had left, to keep her jaw firmly clamped shut - now wasn’t the time for Sana to say anything, Momo had just had a really difficult weekend and now _ wasn’t the time _.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Sana questioned, trying to sound as innocent and nonchalant as possible.

“What?”

“I mean, are you sure it’s a good idea to keep seeing a girl who has already met her soulmate?” Sana rephrased, her brain was screaming at her to stop but she physically couldn’t. “Jihyo knows who her soulmate is, she’s already met them, kissed them and then likely spent enough time with them to be able to see more colours.”

“And she then _ still _chose me.” Momo retaliated, sitting upright, so she was no longer cuddled into Sana’s side, and staring at Sana in shock and disbelief. “So clearly, she doesn’t give a shit about soulmates.”

“Well, have you asked about how she feels about her soulmate?” Sana challenged, using Mina’s words to her advantage.

“What the _ fuck _is that supposed to mean?” Momo snarled, face contorted into an expression of pure incredulity and anger.

“I’m just saying that if you don't at least give her a chance of being with her soulmate, you could be robbing her of true happiness with the person she’s supposed to be with. The universe doesn’t make mistakes, Momo.” Sana continued, her insides were on fire - a mixture of anxiety and every single feeling she’d bottled up for months - there was no stopping her now. “What’s Jihyo’s soulmate supposed to do? They’re supposed to be alone without their soulmate just because you don’t want to let go?”

“God, you’re out of order right now Sana. What the _ fuck _ is wrong with you.” Momo practically growled, any lingering exhaustion had vanished from her tone. “You’d rather some _ stranger _ be happy over your _ best friend _? You really want me to be miserable because of your fucking stupid belief system? What the fuck, Sana.”

“It’s not about _ you, _Momo.” Sana rolled her eyes, trying desperately to keep her cool. “I just don’t think you and Jihyo can be truly happy together with her knowing she has a soulmate. How do you know she won’t resent you?”

“Because Jihyo fucking _ chose _ me.” Momo snapped, pressing a finger against her own sternum to punctuate her point as she glowered at Sana. “You have no fucking right telling me how I should be making my decisions, you’re just bitter you still don’t have _ anyone _.”

Sana nearly threw up in her mouth, heart throbbing in her chest and her eyes welling up with tears as she soaked up Momo’s words. She was right, Sana was bitter, but at least she didn’t know why.

“Fuck you Momo, I’d rather have no one than settle for a girl with a soulmate who’s probably just too scared to do anything about it, too fucking _ selfish _ and in denial to admit it’s not going to work.” Sana hissed, barely flinching when Momo’s palm collided with her cheek, her lip wobbling slightly at the sting it left but her stare remained unwavering.

“_ Fuck you, Sana. _” Momo seethed, standing up from the sofa and storming off towards her bedroom, slamming her bedroom door behind her.

It was only after the vibrations of the slam had finished shaking the apartment that Sana let herself cry.

The whole argument had been like an out of body experience, she barely remembered any of it happening and a part of her really wished it’d never happened. But a larger part of her knew it’d needed to happen.

As Sana stared down the hallway hopelessly, she could only pray it would all work out in the end.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Everything was already so different come monday morning, from the second Sana woke up, she just knew that everything had changed - could feel it in the air.

Momo had long left the apartment by 9am. There was no text, no note to say where she’d gone - but it didn’t take a genius to figure out she’d probably gone to Jihyo’s dorm; where she was likely going to tell Jihyo all about everything she’d said - how cruel her words had been and how she’d tried so hard, so pathetically, to get her best friend to break up with her girlfriend.

Sana really wished she could blame the whole fight on her being drunk and not thinking clearly, tell Momo as such and then have them go back to being best friends. But she couldn’t, and Sana knew that Momo was aware of how painfully sober she’d been that night; she hadn’t been thinking clearly, she never thought clearly when it came to Jihyo, but she didn’t have any excuse to tell Momo. There was no way for Sana to get out of this one.

Classes were the hardest part, Sana found herself just staring at Momo from across the dance studio - desperate for the girl to meet her eyes, acknowledge her existence. It had been less than a day, and she already missed her, wanted so badly for them to go back to being friends and for that argument to have never happened.

But in a weird way, Sana was also relieved that it had happened; a small part of her was thankful she’d summoned up the courage to try and convince Momo staying with Jihyo was pointless. There was no defending how she’d gone about attempting to achieve that, she regretted how cruel she’d been to Momo, but she was not ashamed to admit she was getting desperate. Sana knew that at this point there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do to make Jihyo hers.

Sana had been painfully naïve to think word wouldn’t travel fast, truly stupid to not realise that Momo would tell Jeongyeon and Nayeon about what Sana had said.

The second Sana entered the living room from the hallway, the tension of the room shifted near instantly. Jeongyeon and Nayeon turned around to check who had walked into the apartment, but immediately turned their backs on her when their gazes landed on her, Momo didn’t even look her way. It hurt, it really hurt, but Sana did her best to not show how badly it affected her. She quickly and quietly slunk off to her bedroom, shutting her door with as little noise as possible.

Only once her door shut did she let herself cry. It’d taken less than 24 hours for her to lose all her friends, it’d taken a mere few hours after her argument with Momo for all of her other relationships to splinter.

And yet, the biggest worry in her mind was still whether she’d lost Jihyo too.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“I’m honestly surprised you still wanted to have our fortnightly coffee catch up, I thought for certain you’d have cancelled.” Sana grumbled as she slumped in the chair opposite Mina, she was 10 minutes late and usually Mina would tease her for it - but Mina’s gaze was softer as it studied her that morning.

“Why would I have cancelled?” Mina inquired curiously, sipping her coffee with an ever present air of elegance. “I didn’t make any other plans.”

“I just figured you’d be mad at me like everyone else is.” Sana shrugged, pouting at Mina guiltily. “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d cancelled, I would’ve too.”

“Oh, I’m mad at you, but in a really weird way I also kind of understand why you did it, why your brain thought it was a good idea.” Mina stated simply. “You felt like if you convinced Momo her continuing to pursue things with Jihyo is a bad idea, they’d break it off amicably and then you’d get to be with Jihyo with minimal guilt.”

“I honestly don’t know why I did it, I just wasn’t thinking and it just sort of came out and then it just wouldn’t stop.” Sana groaned, burying her face in her hands. “But, that does make a lot of sense, really didn’t do a great job of it.”

“The way you went about it could not have been worse, and to be honest I don’t think you should have done that at all.” Mina replied calmly. It would never cease to amaze Sana how Mina could sound so threatening without even trying, when she didn’t even _ want _ to. “I’m as big an advocate for soulmates as anyone else, as annoying as Jeongyeon is, I honestly wouldn’t trade her for the world, but it just feels like you’re almost _ forcing _it Sana.”

“I don’t understand, aren’t I supposed to try to be with her?” Sana frowned, clearly perplexed by what Mina was getting at. “Didn’t you tell me over the phone to not let her go so easily?”

“And I also said that now _ isn’t _ the time to be interfering. If you’re going to be together, it’ll happen, if you’re not going to be together - if Jihyo _ genuinely _ does want to be with Momo over you - then there’s no point in forcing it. All you’re doing right now Sana is pushing everyone away for the chance to be with her.” Mina explained, her tone firm but fair as she watched Sana carefully. “You’re stupid if you think Jihyo isn’t also struggling with this, Sana. She spent her whole life not believing in soulmates, met a girl and fell in love with her, and then found out said girl’s best friend is _ actually _her soulmate.”

“I know that, I understand she’s going through a hard time, but- ”

“No, all you’re doing right now Sana is putting more pressure on her. Clearly, Jihyo is really fucking scared and unsure about this whole situation, she’s already got Momo putting pressure on her to stay, the last thing she needs right now is you putting pressure on her to go.” Mina interjected, raising her hand in a silent gesture that told Sana to shut up and quirking her eyebrow at her. 

“Just imagine the situation you’ve just put Jihyo in by having that argument with Momo. I can say with near certainty that Momo probably told her about how angry she is with you because of what you said, how you’d told her to break up with you because you’re not soulmates.” Mina paused, studying Sana’s confused expression carefully - waiting for the penny to drop. “Jihyo is likely worrying about how she’s affecting your friendship with Momo, fretting that she’s going to cause you two to stop being friends. Imagine how shitty you’d feel knowing it’s your fault there's a rift forming between your girlfriend and her best friend.”

“Fuck, _ fuck _.” Sana moaned, leaning further back into her chair as she clenched her hands into fists. “I’m making everything worse aren’t I?”

“You’re definitely not making it better.” Mina shrugged, taking a long drink from her coffee. “You know I love you Sana, and I really do want you to be happy, but you’re just going about this the wrong way. I know you mean well, and you don’t realise the consequences of your impatience, but I’m begging you to just think about what it is you’re doing. I don’t think you realise that if you lose Momo, you lose Jihyo too.”

“How do I fix this? There has to be a way for me to fix this, right.” Sana questioned with desperate hopefulness, but Mina grimaced slightly and Sana’s heart dropped. “Please don’t tell me I’ve fucked everything up beyond repair _ already _, there has to be a way for me to fix this?”

“Sana I’m not a psychologist, I can’t tell you how to fix all of the mistakes you’ve made, sometimes you have to figure out how to make things better by yourself.” Mina sighed. “You know more about what’s going on than I do, clearly you and Jihyo are way closer than I’d thought.”

“But whenever I try to make things better I just fuck it all up even more and make everything so much worse.” Sana whined frustratedly, pouting at how Mina simply rolled her eyes at her. “I know I need to apologise to Momo, but what do I even say? How do I say it and stop myself from blowing up again?”

“You have to figure that out on your own, Satang.” Mina replied calmly. “I’m always here if you ever need to talk, but I can’t fight all your battles for you.”

There was a pregnant pause and Sana could do nothing but release a deep sigh, sitting up slightly in her chair so she could better look Mina in the eyes. Mina was right, and Sana knew it - she just wanted to get it right, stop being so impulsive and fix her friendship with Momo before it was too late. No matter how much confused she was, she knew that Momo was the one constant in her life she didn’t ever want to lose.

“Does she- does Momo know that I’m Jihyo’s soulmate?” Sana asked timidly, sounding almost ashamed.

“I don’t know, she might do, but she hasn’t mentioned it.” Mina answered simply, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth before continuing. “Jeongyeon knows, and I have an inkling Nayeon does too. I didn’t tell either of them, by the way, but it just made sense that it was you.”

“Do they hate me?”

“No. Well, I can’t speak for Nayeon really, but I know Jeongyeon doesn’t.” Mina reassured her kindly, voice warm and her gaze far more gentle. “She understands you’re just going through a lot and you’re scared, but she’s worried about Momo too and she’s angry about how poorly you’re dealing with everything. But, she doesn’t hate you.”

“Sometimes I think about that first night we met Jihyo, how strange and uncomfortable I’d felt watching Momo hang off Jihyo like a lovesick puppy.” Sana muttered wistfully, staring off into space with a reflective glint in her eye. “I wonder if had I not been drunk would I have realised that maybe that feeling was less jealousy directed at her, and more jealousy directed at Momo. Would things have been different had I just _ talked _ to her? I wish I’d just spoken to her _ once _that night.”

“Things could’ve been different, it’s easy to wonder that.” Mina hummed in agreement. “But, things happen for a reason, yeah maybe you would’ve found your soulmate sooner - but had Momo not fallen so deeply in love with her so quickly, who’s to say we would’ve kept her around long enough for you to find out?”

“I doubt we would’ve ditched her.” Sana giggled quietly, shooting Mina a skeptical smile.

“We ditched most of Nayeon’s friends, Jihyo was the only one we kept around.” Mina pointed out, her words were serious but the wide smile painting her features offset them slightly. “It’s totally possible we would’ve just ditched Jihyo too, you can’t say for certain that we wouldn’t have had Momo not been so enamoured with her.”

“Well, maybe I would’ve been enamoured with her instead?” Sana offered, half joking and half serious. “I was definitely drunk enough.”

“All I’m saying is, it’s really easy to look back on the past and pick and choose what you’d change and what you’d do differently.” Mina explained, taking a quick sip of her coffee as she paused for thought. “Maybe you should be spending a little bit more time figuring out how you’re going to fix your future with Momo, and Jihyo, instead of wishing the past would change.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sana hated being at the apartment. Even though she was the only person staying there, the whole place felt hostile. The second she’d cross the threshold, taking that first step into the flat, she’d just feel everything again: the guilt, the hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling of pure loneliness. Spending any extended period of time outside of the sanctity of her bedroom was torturous, everytime she had to walk past Momo’s bedroom her stomach turned with guilt.

The whole place was silent, and so each quiet sound she’d make would pierce her eardrums as if it were deafeningly loud. Sana’s whole life felt quieter now Momo wasn’t talking to her.

Her phone was silent save for the occasional text from her mom or Mina, all their group chats remained unused - not a single person having sent anything since Jihyo had accidentally revealed she could see in colour - it felt like everyone else in the whole world knew what she’d done and hated her for it; not like Sana could really blame them. What she’d done had been truly cruel and uncalled for, people had every right to be angry at her.

She wanted so desperately to fix it, grovel to Momo - begging for forgiveness and for everything to go back to the way it was - because the silence truly was killing her, but there was only so much Sana could do if Momo wasn’t there. It was thursday evening now, almost 4 days since hers and Momo’s fight, and Sana hadn’t seen her since then; the more time she spent alone in the apartment, the more she worried how long until she’d be able to see Momo again.

Her head was a mess, Sana wasn’t sure what she wanted nor what was the right thing to do anymore, but all she seemed to be able to fixate on was how much she missed Momo, how much she’d truly taken their friendship for granted and how little thought she’d given her supposed best friend’s feelings throughout the past few months. All it had taken was the tiniest glimpse of hope that she and Jihyo may get to be together, and it’d been so easy for her to just disregard her best friend completely.

It was staggering how, in such a short space of time - from when Sana had first discovered she and Jihyo were soulmates to now - Sana’s priorities had shifted from not wanting to hurt her best friend, willing to have nothing if that meant Momo was happy, to being willing to ruin their friendship, and make Momo miserable, if that meant _ potentially _being with Jihyo. She’d always been aware of how time affects a person’s mindset, but she’d never thought it’d take such little time for hers to alter so drastically.

Sana would be the first person to say she hated who she’d become, but she just didn’t know how to switch that part of her brain off.

The urge to try calling Momo again was overwhelming, she’d left the girl over 10 voicemails already - each one equally apologetic and desperate. Sana lay in her bed, staring at her phone with her thumb hovering over the call button, there really wasn’t anything stopping her from calling beyond the knowledge that Momo likely wouldn’t pick up, would deliberately ignore the call or decline it so Sana knew she didn’t want to talk to her.

But, no matter how slim the chances, Sana would do anything for the silence to go away; she’d rather Momo yelled at her than keep ignoring her like this.

Her thumb was already hitting the ‘call’ button before Sana even had a chance to reevaluate what she was doing - she just had to try, even though she knew Momo wouldn’t pick up she just wanted to _ try _.

The familiar chirp of her phone ringing rang out throughout the silence of her bedroom, Sana pouted at her phone screen as she waited for it to start dialing. She already knew what was going to happen, and a part of her just wanted the call to be decline already so she her heart could stop beating hopefully.

She didn’t expect to hear Momo’s ringtone down the hallway.

The call was declined a mere few seconds after Sana’s phone started dialing, but Sana didn’t care because Momo’s phone was in the apartment - Momo was in the apartment.

Sana sprang out of bed, hurriedly throwing a hoodie on and exiting her bedroom in search of Momo. She had to see her, just needed the chance to apologise and make everything okay again. It didn’t matter that Momo likely didn’t want to see her, because she so desperately needed to see Momo.

Momo’s bedroom door was cracked open, just enough for Sana to look inside and see Momo sat on her bedroom floor - hunched over a suitcase as she delicately packed her clothes. Sana momentarily wondered _ how _the girl had snuck into the apartment without her even realising, but she really didn’t care enough to dwell on it.

“Momo?” Sana called out to her cautiously, peering into her room from the doorway; instantly recoiling when Momo’s whipped her head around and frowned at her. “I didn’t expect to see you tonight, hey.”

“What do you want, Sana?” Momo grumbled angrily, narrowing her eyes at her. “Here to tell me my relationship is a waste of time again?”

“No! The opposite, I wanted to apologise.” Sana clarified quickly, Momo’s expression didn’t change but she didn’t tell her to leave either - so Sana continued. “What I said was completely out of line, I have no right to try and interfere with your relationship. If you and Jihyo want to be together, then you have every right to be together.”

It hurt to say, her throat scratching agonisingly as she spoke and her head pulsating in dull pain, but she knew it was the right thing to do - it was what she should’ve said on sunday.

“Okay, thank you.” Momo replied simply, turning around and returning her attention to her packing.

“Do you still hate me?” Sana asked gingerly, not wanting to overstep and make things worse - but also desperate to make it better.

“I never hated you Sana, but I’m just not happy with you right now. I know you’re sorry, but what you said was really fucking hurtful, and I’m just not ready to forgive you.” Momo sighed sadly. “Now, if you don’t mind me, I need to finish packing.”

“Why are you packing?” Sana frowned, peering further into Momo’s room so she could better see what she was doing. “What’s going on?”

“Jihyo and I are going away for the weekend, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow so I thought I’d take her away to a hotel for a long weekend to celebrate.” Momo explained, she stopped packing and stiffened but still didn’t turn back and look at Sana. “Why, have you got a problem with that?”

“No,” Sana lied, she knew it was stupid for her to be so hurt by it - but things about Jihyo always seemed to hurt, “just surprised, you never told me you two were doing anything for Valentine’s Day?”

“It’s kind of a last minute thing, it’s been a… difficult week, and I thought some time away to ourselves would be good.” Momo answered, she sounded so exhausted it made Sana physically ache with guilt. She was supposed to be Momo’s best friend, supposed to be the one to help her through this; all she’d done was make it worse. “I found a really nice bed and breakfast just outside of Seoraksan, we’re getting a bus there tomorrow morning.”

“Why can’t you just spend tonight here then?” Sana inquired hopefully, but with how Momo released a shaky exhale as her whole body shook as well. 

“I want to be with my girlfriend right now, Sana, I want to be with Jihyo. I know you don’t approve of it, or understand, or whatever; but I want to be with Jihyo, and she wants to be with me… tonight, okay?” Momo insisted, her voice wavering slightly. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish packing in peace.”

The pause made Sana flinch, the pit at the bottom of her stomach seemed to only grow as she thought about the implications of what she said, why she refused to meet Sana’s gaze no matter how desperately Sana willed for her to turn around. A cold breeze brushed her face and Sana shivered slightly, it was only then that she realised Momo’s window was wide open.

“Momo, please know how sorry I am.” Sana whimpered quietly, but Momo didn’t reply - just ducked her head down and continued to silently fold her clothes and pack them into her suitcase.

Sana took that as her cue to leave, ducking out of Momo’s room and going back to her own - feeling no less hopeless than she had before speaking to Momo. It didn’t feel like anything was fixed, she felt further from Momo than ever before - as if she’d officially lost Momo to Jihyo.

She wanted so badly for Momo to forgive her, for them to go back to being best friends again and be as close and warm like they had before. But, it was different, everything was different now and it was all Sana’s fault. Jihyo had chosen Momo, she needed to accept it.

_ “ I’m sorry too. ” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed, once again I'm so sorry for such a long wait!  
Follow me on twitter @babysahyo (i changed my @, it was @hasubongi)  
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Thank you, and see you again soon for the grand finale!


	5. my thoughts on you (hit the ceiling)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sana missed Jihyo every second of everyday, so much it was almost making her lose all sense and reasoning, because she'd managed to convince herself that Jihyo might miss her too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here, the long awaited finale, so sorry for the wait - uni kinda got in the way and finding time to write was near impossible - but it's here now!  
I know I can't please everyone with how it ends, but I've made myself happy and really that's all that counts  
If you also have a Twitter account, feel free to tweet your reactions using #ThoughtsOnSahyo I don't trust my notifications and I really do want to see all your reactions.  
I hope you enjoy!!  
(Un-BETA'd, so all mistakes are mine)

_ “You’re taking Jihyo away for the weekend?” _

_ “Yeah, I think a short trip will be good for us.” Momo affirmed calmly, phone balancing between her shoulder and her ear as she tried to not fall down the stairs whilst pulling her rucsac on. “It’s been a hard week, Nayeon, I think we both need some time away.” _

_ “This just feels like, and please don’t hate me for saying this but… it just feels like you’re trying to cling onto something that’s already gone.” Nayeon sighed, Momo could practically hear the wince in her voice. “Both of you are.” _

_ “That’s not what’s happening.” Momo defended, releasing a shaky breath before continuing. “I’m not _ clinging _ onto anything, don’t act like you have any idea what’s going on, Nayeon; there’s so much more to everything that you have no idea about.” _

_ “Listen, obviously I don’t know _ everything _ that’s going on, I’m just worried that- ” _

_ Momo hung up the phone before Nayeon could say anything else; she didn’t want to hear anymore from her, she knew what she was doing. _

  
  
  


The bus to Seoraksan was long and cold, the driver had very quickly announced that the central heating on the bus was broken and thus they’d have to suffer the journey without warmth. But Momo didn’t mind, she’d felt cold for a whole week now.

Jihyo had just sighed, pouting cutely at Momo, and pulled her warm coat around her body tighter as she sunk further into her seat. She looked tired, Momo knew she hadn’t been sleeping - could feel her tossing and turning at night, getting out of bed multiple times to pace the length of her dorm room, muttering to herself quietly - and Momo knew that it was her fault. Something just wasn’t right at the moment, hadn’t been right for over a month now, and she hadn’t realised what it was until that night over a week ago.

But, it was Valentine’s Day - their first Valentine’s Day as a couple - and Momo just wanted one weekend where they could be happy and in love again.

She wanted that horrible guilt that was eating away at her stomach to just go away, just for this weekend - that’s all she wanted.

Momo spent the whole journey just watching Jihyo, she could spend her whole life just watching Jihyo and be content as she really was just the most beautiful sight to behold. There was this air of calm and warmth surrounding the girl as she slept so soundly, curled up in her seat with her lips parted slightly - only Jihyo could make something as simple as sleeping look so sweet and cute.

No matter how much was going on, Jihyo could always make Momo feel so at peace and happy - she could just forget everything that was going on and feel so painfully in love. This was definitely the feeling Momo wasn't sure she'd be able to cope without, that feeling of being so at peace and loved, that was definitely going to leave too if Jihyo left.

Part of her really wanted to wrap her arms around Jihyo, pull her closer and just hold her for that little bit longer - Momo both wanted and needed to memorise the feeling of Jihyo against her body - nobody had ever had the ability to make Momo feel quite as warm as Jihyo had. But she also knew it was a selfish wish, Jihyo looked so peaceful finally resting after spending days wide awake and stressed. Momo didn’t want to feel the guilt that came with being selfish any longer, wanted the weekend away from such feelings so she could be happy again.

The journey to Seoraksan was just under 4 hours, but the first 3 passed by in a heartbeat. One second Momo was watching them slowly leave the bus station, whilst Jihyo was wrapping herself up in her coat and whining quietly, and the next they were speeding along a motorway through the countryside. It felt like time was getting away from so fast lately and Momo really just wanted to cherish every single second she had.

The bus driver came over the intercom, excitedly announcing they were just outside Seoraksan, only 20 minutes left before they arrived, and Momo smiled softly to herself as she watched Jihyo be stirred awake - squinting cutely and pouting as she was slowly awakened. Jihyo met Momo’s eyes and smiled slightly, she looked so tired that it made Momo’s heart hurt. She just wanted Jihyo to be happy again.

(Momo knew in her heart how to make Jihyo happy, but she just wasn’t ready to do it just yet - she just _ couldn’t _.)

Jihyo was staring out the window, watching the world pass her by and humming quietly to herself as she remained mesmerised by the beauty of the countryside; this trip really was the perfect idea, Momo could only hope it’d bring Jihyo a little bit of peace.

None of their friends had thought it was a good idea for them to have a weekend away, both Jeongyeon and Mina tried to talk her out of it - reasoning that they needed to sort through their problems and not run from them. Nayeon had tried to find some double meaning in it, telling Momo she was clinging onto something she couldn’t have and she was only going to hurt herself by doing so. But, Sana had tried to be supportive - it pained Momo more than anyone would ever know seeing Sana’s heartbroken expression as she’d tried so hard to be supportive whilst missing Momo so badly.

There weren’t the right words to describe how much Momo missed how she and Sana once were, but now wasn’t the right time for her to try and get it back. There was a lot she had to do first, a lot of growing up needed to be done first.

Jihyo tugged on Momo’s sleeve gently, pulling her out of her thoughts so she could see they’d reached their destination. Momo smiled at her gratefully, rising from her seat and pressing a kiss to Jihyo’s forehead in thanks.

Jihyo didn’t melt into the touch like she usually would, and Momo tried so hard to pretend it didn’t hurt.

  
  
  
  


The bed and breakfast was gorgeous and just so romantic, everything Momo had hoped it would be and everything that Jihyo deserved. They’d both been so on edge in the past week with everything that had happened and all the implications that came as a result, they really needed this weekend to just be perfect.

The wave of relief that washed over Momo’s entire soul the first time she saw their room was almost enough to wash away all the bad feelings that plagued her heart - and the cheesy grin that spread across Jihyo’s features as she flopped backwards onto the bed was also nearly enough to make Momo forget all that had happened and just be in love.

_ Almost. _

That same small pool of guilt Momo felt in the pit of her stomach every time she looked at Jihyo was still there, she still couldn’t help but wonder if this was the right decision for her to be making; if there was a way she could’ve gone about this to hurt less people, to protect Jihyo from being hurt whilst also indulging her own selfish desires one last time. A part of Momo truly wished she’d talked to Sana more, explained her side of the story so that Sana wouldn’t be left feeling so alone.

But seeing Sana made Momo _ ache _, it really hurt to look at Sana and know everything she was hiding - everything she’d spent so many months trying to keep a secret from Momo and all their friends.

Momo wondered if Sana hurt every time she looked at her too, her chest tightened as she thought about how long she must’ve been feeling like that.

“Momo?”

Jihyo was sat on their bed, propped up by her elbows as she gazed at Momo confused and concerned; a singular eyebrow quirked as she tried to study her.

“Momo?” Jihyo reiterated, sitting upright on the bed and reaching a hand out for Momo to hold. It didn’t matter how cold the world felt, the second Momo came into contact with Jihyo her whole body felt warm and safe. “What’s wrong, baby?”

The pet name really shouldn’t have made Momo feel so strange, they’d been referring to each other by nicknames from before they even officially got together - by now it was almost second nature - but this time it felt different; felt like it didn’t belong to her.

“Nothing, Hyo.” Momo hummed quietly, not trusting her voice to cooperate if she spoke any louder, she clasped Jihyo’s hand with both of her own and relished in the warmth that spread across her whole body. “Everything is perfect, I’m really happy.”

“I’m really happy, too.” Jihyo murmured in agreement, small smile toying with her lips as she gazed into Momo’s eyes. She was lying, just as Momo had, and it took milliseconds for Momo to know that she was. 

Her eyes weren’t sparkling, Momo had never missed the glimmer of someone’s eyes before until now.

“You picked out a really good hotel, this room is so beautiful.” Jihyo gushed genuinely, eyes leaving Momo’s to gaze around their room and drink in the decor. “I can’t believe you could afford something like this, it still feels wrong that you’re the one paying for all of it, at least let me chip in a _ little _bit?”

“Never.” Momo replied simply, moving to sit next to Jihyo on the bed and wrap an arm around her waist comfortingly - pulling Jihyo securely against her side and sighing happily when Jihyo rested her head on her shoulder. “This whole weekend getaway was my idea, and I picked out the hotel so it’s only fair that I pay for it.”

“But this must’ve set you back a lot, what about your rent and food and stuff?” Jihyo inquired worriedly, Momo just chuckled quietly and shook her head. “You _ do _have to pay rent, Momo.”

“You worry too much, Jihyo.” Momo stated coolly. “Everything is going to be fine, you don’t have to worry about me not making rent.”

“I worry because I care.” Jihyo frowned slightly, looking up at Momo curiously - it was odd for her to be so calm and deflective about Jihyo’s concerns - but Momo still had that same slight smile on her lips.

“I know you do, Hyo.” Momo agreed easily.

There was a beat of silence, neither Momo nor Jihyo making any noise as they just sat together in pure silence - only the faint sound of people outside could be heard. But, it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, Momo could say with near certainty that there had never been a moment where she felt awkward around Jihyo - even with everything that was happening, Jihyo would always feel like home.

And that was what hurt the most.

“I love you, Momo.” Jihyo whispered softly. “Thank you for everything, you’re so good to me.”

“I know.” Momo uttered gently, leaning over to press a kiss on the side of Jihyo’s head. “I love you too.”

  
  
  
  


The afternoon was spent lazing around in bed, doing nothing but be with each other in quiet harmony. It was always silently amusing how their quiet time together, like this, highlighted their differences so perfectly.

Whilst Momo lay under the covers, eyes glued to her phone screen as she scrolled through Twitter - occasionally pausing and giggling to herself before showing Jihyo whatever amusing tweet she’d seen, beaming when Jihyo would giggle in return - Jihyo was diligently researching different things they could do tomorrow, mulling over the different selection of activities that were available to them.

Momo found pure joy in watching Jihyo while she worked, whether it be for something trivial such as planning a day out, or something more difficult and intensive such as an essay for class or studying for an exam - the look of sheer focus on her face was a precious sight.

She’d come to realise over the past months that it didn’t matter what Jihyo was doing, Momo would always want to be watching her - could find complete contentment in diligently watching Jihyo do anything. The bashful smile Jihyo would shoot Momo each time she caught her staring would do nothing but egg her on; living for the way Jihyo would continue to glance her way to see if she was still watching, her smile priceless when she saw that Momo was.

There was nothing about Jihyo she didn’t love wholeheartedly, and that fact made Momo’s heart physically ache with dread and guilt.

Jihyo didn’t drag Momo out of bed until it was almost 6pm, they both knew that they would’ve happily stayed in bed the whole evening had she not, but dinner was being served and neither Momo or Jihyo had ever been the type to turn down food - especially not when it was included in the cost of the hotel.

Momo had put up something of a fight when Jihyo had told her to get out of bed, pretended to be devastated at the prospect of having to get up in a teasing attempt at winding Jihyo up and getting the girl to scold her, but Jihyo had just smiled at her unconvinced and told her to get ready, before disappearing into the bathroom to do her makeup and get ready herself.

The hotel was far too nice for what they’d usually wear to their dates at small, hole in the wall restaurants in Seoul, plus it was Valentine’s day, so Momo had already taken the liberty in packing the little black dress she knew Jihyo loved on her and doing her makeup delicately and perfectly. She was excited to surprise Jihyo with her dress, keen to see how she'd react.

"Hey Momo, can you come in here a second?" Jihyo called out to Momo suddenly, and Momo just chuckled, smoothed out any creases in her dress and hummed out a 'yes' as she pushed the bathroom door open.

Never in her life had Momo ever quite been prepared for Jihyo. No matter how much she tried to prepare, convince herself that she was ready to be blown away and have her heart stolen again - Jihyo always managed to take her breath away and make her forget her own name.

“Do I look okay? Is this nice enough for dinner?” Jihyo asked nervously from where she stood in the bathroom, smoothing her hands over her dress obsessively as she stared at her reflection. “I have something else, another dress, if you don’t like this one?”

Momo just stared at Jihyo, mouth hanging open as she tried and failed to find the right words to accurately explain just how in love Momo felt in that moment - there was no question in her mind that Jihyo was perfect for her in every way imaginable, it was just a shame the universe didn’t agree.

“Baby,” Momo started, her voice rough and quiet as she slipped into the bathroom and wrapped her arms around Jihyo’s waist as she leant over and rested her chin on Jihyo’s shoulder. “You look _ fucking _amazing.”

“You don’t look too bad yourself, Momoring.” Jihyo chirped happily, turning around and loosely looping her arms around Momo's neck to pull her close to the point their lips were millimeters apart. “How did I get so lucky?”

“I ask myself that everyday.” Momo hummed in reply, allowing their lips to brush then pulled away before Jihyo could properly close the distance between them, giggling at the girls overexaggerated pout. “Now come on, it’s nearly 7 o’clock and I’m really hungry.”

  
  
  
  


“I still can’t believe you managed to plan a whole weekend getaway in under a week.” Jihyo muttered incredulously, Momo gazed up from her plate of food to shoot Jihyo a smirk that made Jihyo giggle. “I’m serious! It’s impressive, especially when you planned it so perfectly, like everything about this hotel is amazing I can’t believe you managed to book it for us.”

“I phoned my mom for help, she’s really good at that sort of thing - she planned all of our holidays growing up.” Momo explained, drinking in the way Jihyo was looking at her and blushing lightly at the intensity of Jihyo’s gaze. “She tried to make me have her pay, but honestly her just finding this place was enough for me. I really wanted to give you the perfect weekend getaway, you deserve it.”

Momo’s heart clenched in her chest as she watched Jihyo’s expression falter, going from admiration and awe to one of guilt and sadness - her gaze shifting from Momo to her lap. The air was tense as Jihyo shifted in her seat, clearly trying to find the right words to say, Momo wasn’t sure what she’d said wrong but she desperately wanted to fix it; Momo found herself desperate to fix Jihyo near constantly recently.

“Momo, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything.” Jihyo started, pausing to take a deep breath before continuing. “I know you keep telling me you’re not mad and that you’ve forgiven me, but I did a really fucking _ bad _thing not telling you I’d met my soulmate.”

“Jihyo, it’s okay I understand.” Momo interjected quickly, reaching over to try and hold Jihyo’s hand but Jihyo moved hers away before she could.

“No, it’s not okay, I’ve caused everyone so much stress by being selfish.” Jihyo insisted, her voice wavering slightly as she spoke. “I was so worried you’d leave me if you found out that I thought it was better to just keep it a secret, it was naive and careless of me. A part of me knew that you’d find out, I knew there was no way I’d be able to keep it a secret for the rest of our lives and that the longer I left it the more it’d hurt when you did find out. I’ve been a really shitty person lately, Momo, but I’m honestly trying to do better.”

“I would’ve done the same thing, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes Jihyo.” Momo tried to reason with her, this wasn’t a conversation for the dinner table but it didn’t seem like Jihyo wanted to end it. “You meant well, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“Why do you forgive me so easily, Momo.” Jihyo muttered sadly, a singular tear cascading down her cheek. “I’ve hurt so many people by putting myself first, I’ve hurt you, I’ve hurt my soulmate and I’ve hurt myself. By trying to protect myself I’ve managed to hurt myself countless times, how fucking pathetic is that?”

“I forgive you because I love you, Jihyo.” Momo answered earnestly, gazing at Jihyo with her whole heart on the table. “I love you so much that I physically _ can’t _be mad at you, it just isn’t possible and believe me I’ve tried. Remember when you lost my Boo doll?”

Jihyo nodded and giggled, Momo smiled slightly to herself and silently willed for Jihyo to look up and meet her gaze.

“I was so upset that it was gone, and I wanted to be angry at you for losing it, but then I looked at your face and saw just how sorry you were and my heart just _ hurt. _ Because the thought of you thinking I was angry at you made me feel worse than knowing the doll was gone.” Momo continued, she could see Jihyo’s shy smile and it made her heart feel warm. “Jihyo you are the love of my life, I know we’ve not even been together that long but I can just _ feel it. _”

“I love you too, please never forget that Momoring.” Jihyo mumbled quietly, lifting her head to meet Momo’s gaze and finally linking their fingers together. “No matter what happens, I’m always going to love you.”

“I know, don’t worry, I promise I’ll never forget that. Knowing you love me is what makes my world so much brighter.” Momo hummed happily. “And who can blame you, I really am the whole package, you totally lucked out.”

“Momo.” Jihyo warned teasingly, letting go of her hand so she could continue eating her dinner instead.

“To think, I had the ladies practically knocking down my door for a chance with me and I settled down so easily. You have no idea how lucky you are Park Jihyo.” Momo joked, winking at Jihyo as the other girl just chuckled to herself, shaking her head slightly. “Nayeon was so disappointed at how easily I was domesticated.”

“She still is.” Jihyo giggled, smirking proudly at Momo. “She complains to me all the time about how annoyed she is that I’ve stolen you away from her, good to know I really am _ that _powerful to have managed to tame miss Hirai Momo.”

“You really have no idea.” Momo sighed lovingly. “I was so drunk that night we met, but I still remember every single second I spent with you. I couldn’t get you out of my head if I tried.”

“You’re exaggerating.” Jihyo murmured bashfully, blushing wildly at Momo’s words.

“I’m really not, you’ve made a home in my head and my heart, and I don’t ever want you to move out.” Momo stated simply, a small lump forming in her throat as she watched Jihyo’s gaze soften. “I’ve never loved anyone quite like how I love you.”

“I think you need to stop drinking wine, you’re getting really sappy.” Jihyo giggled, Momo tried to not let herself be hurt by how quickly Jihyo disregarded her words. “I love you too, so much. I really do see a future with you.”

“You having a soulmate doesn’t have to change anything.” Momo pointed out, she was lying to herself and Jihyo - and she knew it. “I mean, if your parents can make it work, who’s to say we can’t?”

“Right.” Jihyo visibly stiffened, clenching her jaw _ hard _as she nodded stiltedly in uncertain agreement. It was strange, but Momo tried her best to ignore it.

“You being able to see in colour could be a blessing in disguise for us, at least now you can make sure that I’m never wearing clashing colours. I’d ask Jeongyeon, but I honestly don’t trust that she’s not lying to me.” Momo offered, trying to lift the mood but it was clear the atmosphere had shifted. Maybe Jihyo could tell she wasn’t being honest. “When we eventually move in together you can choose what colour we paint the walls as well.”

“Yeah, totally.” Jihyo agreed unconvincingly, there was something off about her gaze but Momo couldn’t place it. It was the same farraway look that often made its way into her gaze recently, Momo just wished she knew why. “But that’s a discussion for when we _ actually _move in together. I’m content with how we are right now.”

“Me too, I really couldn’t be happier with how we are right now.” Momo nodded in agreement, smiling at Jihyo with pure adoration and sighing internally when Jihyo returned it. “I’m having such an amazing time with you tonight, you look unbelievably beautiful as always.”

“Flatterer.” Jihyo smirked flirtatiously, brushing her hair behind her ear. “You look gorgeous tonight as well, I can’t take my eyes off you. Not that I’d want to anyway.”

“Now who’s the flatterer?” Momo teased with a wink and a chuckle.

“It’s so rare we get to get properly dressed up like this, trust me I love our low maintenance dates, but I’ll never get over just how _ stunning _ you look in a proper fitted dress.” Jihyo flirted shamelessly, making a point to rake her eyes over Momo slowly and deliberately. “We really should get dressed up more often.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Momo simpered, feeling the warmth in her cheeks as she allowed her gaze to settle on Jihyo’s exposed shoulders and collarbone. It was a crime how good she looked in her dress. 

“There’s this restaurant near my dorm, I know it’s a little bit pricey but, I was thinking for our anniversary that- ” Jihyo paused, her gaze shifting to somewhere past Momo and her expression immediately fell. “_ Oh _.”

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Momo frowned, Jihyo just gestured lacklusterly to a scene happening behind her.

That faraway look in Jihyo’s eyes had returned again, only this time it was full of nothing but regret and nostalgia. Momo turned around to try and see what had happened, what had caused Jihyo’s whole mood to shift.

There, a mere 3 tables behind them, was a couple in the process of getting engaged; the man down on one knee, a ring box opened in his hand, as his girlfriend sobbed tears of joy and nodded her head frantically. The scene was nothing short of heartwarming, the couple looked truly in love as they embraced each other excitedly - the chorus of people, including Momo, clapping to congratulate them acting as a backing track to their wonderful moment.

Everyone else in the restaurant looked happy for them, people gushing to their partners about how good the couple looked together and how excited they were on their behalf. And yet, Jihyo looked like she was about to cry; her lip quivering and her eyes losing all their sparkle as she continued to stare at the couple long after they’d returned to their seats.

Something was wrong, but in classic Jihyo fashion she was rising from her seat, muttering an excuse about needing to use the bathroom before Momo could ask what was wrong.

And just like that, their romantic spell was broken and dinner had been ruined.

  
  
  
  


Jihyo wasn’t right, she hadn’t been for a while now but Momo had tried so hard to ignore the signs so she could stay in her naive fantasy world where everything was perfect. That strange sad look had found its way onto Jihyo’s features far too often recently, it seemed no matter how much effort Momo put in to being the dream girlfriend, she couldn’t stop Jihyo from looking miserable. All she wanted, all Momo had ever wanted was for Jihyo to be happy but she couldn’t make her happy - nothing she was doing seemed to be enough.

(A part of Momo, a really large part of her, knew exactly why that was, but it was difficult to let go when you keep getting given excuses and reasons to be selfish)

There Jihyo was, lying curled up in a tiny ball on their bed, eyes glued to her phone screen as if she were staring at a still image. It was a sight Momo had grown familiar with over the past few weeks, but it still never failed to make her heart clench and a lump form in her throat. But then Jihyo would turn to face her and smile, that small and shy smile that portrayed so many different thoughts and feelings - but each and every one boiled down to Jihyo tirelessly trying to convince Momo, and likely herself, that everything was okay, that she was happy.

It was exhausting, Momo was exhausted and she knew Jihyo was too. They were both trying so hard to be happy, to make everything work, but there was something stopping them. At first she’d thought everything would be solved once Jihyo admitted that she’d met her soulmate, laid her heart out in front of Momo and told her earnestly that she truly loved Momo more than she loved her soulmate - Momo had known things would still be somewhat difficult afterwards, but she’d expected it to slowly get easier.

But, there was something else. Deep down Momo had known from the second Jihyo admitted to having a soulmate that that wasn’t the only problem, because Jihyo hadn’t been right since just before christmas.

Contrary to popular belief, despite what many of her friends would joke and strangers would assume, Momo wasn’t stupid - far from it in fact - she knew who Jihyo’s soulmate was, or at least had a relatively good idea of who it was. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself it wasn’t true, try to hold onto some sort of hope that Jihyo’s soulmate was just some stranger she’d met and kissed before she’d even met Momo, she knew in her heart what the truth was.

Part of her wanted to be angry at them for not telling her, but another part of her ultimately understood why they didn’t; had she been in either one’s position she was near certain she would’ve done exactly the same thing, even knowing how much the inevitable fallout hurt, being a coward was still always the easiest decision.

Even now, even after finding out what she did and knowing how many people were hurting and _ would _be hurt as a result of her actions; Momo kept allowing herself to be a coward.

“Baby?”

Momo startled slightly, she hadn’t realised she’d just been stood staring into space for an undetermined amount of time, but based on the way Jihyo was eyeing her curiously she’d been stood there a while.

“Shit sorry, I was just thinking.” Momo mumbled tiredly, shaking her head slightly and pressing her palm against her forehead. “Got lost in thought, forgot where I was.”

“Is everything okay?” Jihyo inquired softly, her eyes were wide with worry and it made Momo feel sick.

“_ I feel like I should be asking you that, not like you’ll even answer me. _” Momo grumbled under her breath, voice barely audible but the bitter tone was unmistakable.

“Sorry?” Jihyo frowned, sitting up slightly as if to aid her in hearing Momo better.

“Don’t worry, it’s not important. I’m just… I’m really tired Hyo.” Momo sighed sadly and Jihyo’s gaze immediately softened into once laced with guilt. “Maybe we should call it a night, get a good night sleep so we’re well rested for tomorrow?”

“Momo, it’s not even 10pm, are you really that tired?” Jihyo queried quietly, there was a double meaning to her question - it was unspoken, but Momo was certain they both knew what it was.

“It’s been a long day, what with us having to get up really early to catch the bus and traveling for hours, I’m just really drained of energy today.” Momo explained, that small pang of frustration in her chest worsened as the remorseful look remained on Jihyo’s face. She just wanted Jihyo to stop apologising. “You’ve got loads of plans for tomorrow, I’d hate it if I was too tired to want to do any of them.”

“You’re probably right, it has been a really long day.” Jihyo agreed, nodding slightly as she continued to eye Momo cautiously. 

Momo just smiled as convincingly as she could muster, but she could feel her eyelids drooping - she knew she just looked exhausted. She sluggishly got undressed, took off all her makeup and pulled on her pyjama shorts and sleep shirt, clumsily clambering into bed whilst still making sure she didn’t accidentally fall on top of Jihyo.

The bed was warm, just as warm as she remembered it being that afternoon and Momo was seriously questioning if she wanted to ever leave this bed at all. At least this one was big enough to fit them both comfortably, compared to Jihyo’s cramped twin bed, and wasn’t within the coldest apartment known to mankind. At least in this room, in that moment, she could wrap her arms around Jihyo’s middle and hold her close for as long as she wanted.

She wished the guilt didn’t persist.

“Tomorrow is going to be a good day, I can feel it.” Jihyo sighed sleepily, shifting so she was more securely pressed against Momo. “Tomorrow everything will be back to normal, how it should be.”

And god, Momo wanted to believe her so badly, but there was just something in her gut that told her not to.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Jihyo didn’t sleep at all that night.

Only an hour after Momo ‘fell asleep’, Jihyo was already delicately prying herself free of Momo’s hold on her and getting out of bed - just like she did when they slept at her dorm. Momo didn’t dare open her eyes, choosing to feign sleep, but she could hear Jihyo’s soft footsteps as she padded up and down the length of their room, muttering to herself and crying near silently.

Momo could feel her heart breaking as she listened to Jihyo’s muted sobs, tried so hard to not let Jihyo know she was awake and listening. It was cruel and selfish of her, and the worst part of it all was that she _ knew _she was being selfish. But it was easier to pretend she couldn’t hear her girlfriend crying than get out of bed and do something about it.

Pretend she didn’t hear the muttered pleas Jihyo cried, ignore how she begged to be a good person.

She wanted so badly to make everything okay, but now wasn’t the time to do that. The middle of the night wasn’t the right time for Momo to stop being a coward and do the right thing, so instead she just lay there and listened to Jihyo cry for hours on end.

And then, when morning came, it was almost scarily easy for Jihyo to pretend she’d slept the whole night and gotten a good night's rest. And it was equally easy for Momo to do the exact same.

  
  
  
  


Jihyo crashed after breakfast, the lack of sleep and general stress of living catching up to her and meaning the second her head hit the pillow she was already fast asleep. Even with the sunlight streaming through their parted curtains, illuminating their room and filling it with warmth, Jihyo still slept soundly - and that was how Momo knew just how tired Jihyo actually was.

She’d always used to be so light sensitive when sleeping, would immediately awaken and complain the second sunlight struck her face. But now, it was as if Jihyo could sleep through literally anything when she crashed out. It was almost endearing, Momo had always loved watching Jihyo sleep - she looked so precious and small with her face scrunched up and her eyes squeezed shut - but now it just kind of made Momo feel guilty and worried.

Jihyo had always had a habit of muttering in her sleep, before she’d just muttered nonsensical things, but now she slept silently.

There were a lot of changes happening in her life, Momo had never felt so out of control and lost in her whole life, but she’d always kind of hoped that Jihyo would remain the same - that she’d keep all her cute little quirks that had helped make Momo fall in love with her in the first place - but she’d been painfully naive, and it was becoming impossible to ignore that Jihyo wasn’t the same anymore; Jihyo was changing too, but not for the better.

Momo knew she needed to grow up, she was acting childish clinging onto everything she knew she couldn’t have but the thought of letting go seemed impossible. All she wanted was a sign from Jihyo she was doing the right thing, that was all she needed; but that seemed to be one of the countless things that just weren’t possible.

Because she wasn’t doing the right thing, everyone knew it, even her, but the thought of admitting it and accepting defeat was one she wasn’t ready to take.

All she wanted was for everyone to be happy, but the more she thought about it, the less that seemed possible. It really was just a matter of who she wanted to be happy more, and it was almost too easy to be selfish. But then she looked over at their bed and saw Jihyo sleeping so soundly, curled up into a tiny ball with the bedsheets pulled tight around her - and suddenly everything got a little bit clearer.

In all the countless times she’d watched Jihyo sleep, she’d never seen Jihyo look so small and vulnerable. But, maybe that was just because she was finally taking off her rose tinted glasses.

  
  
  
  


“Jihyo, can we talk?” Momo called out to her girlfriend the second she reentered their room, Jihyo had slept the whole day so Momo had gone for a walk so as to not disturb her. “Jihyo?”

“One second, I’m just in the bathroom.” Jihyo responded, pushing the bathroom door open to peak her head through and look at Momo - she looked better, actually sleeping seeming to have helped her. "I'm just getting ready for dinner, I was thinking we head over a bit earlier and than we went yesterday so we can go for a nice evening walk afterwards?”

“Can you come out here for a second because I think this is more of a face-to-face conversation, I was planning on talking to you earlier but then you were just so tired and slept all day,” Momo rambled pausing to take a deep breath when Jihyo fully emerged from the bathroom, her eyebrows raised in confusion and lips parted slightly, “but, Jihyo, what the _ hell _happened at dinner last night?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I thought dinner last night went fine - the meal was really nice and you looked beautiful, I don’t understand what you’re getting at.” Jihyo shrugged nonchalantly, but Momo tell from how she immediately averted her gaze and swallowed thickly that she was lying.

“Do you want me to start with how you got really strange about how I forgave you for everything, almost as if you wanted me to still be angry with you, or how you freaked out and left the second you saw a couple get engaged? Because I’m fine with talking about either one.” Momo offered, her tone harsher than intended but she couldn’t help herself. She just wanted answers. “You’ve been acting off for _ months _ Jihyo, and I know it’s not just about your soulmate, I just want to know what’s going on so I can fix it.”

“You don’t have to fix everything Momo, you _ can’t _ fix everything and it’s not fair to demand information from me like that.” Jihyo snapped immediately, but her tone was wavering and weak - as if she was uncertain. “Sometimes people go through off periods, I don’t know what you want me to say, but I’m _ trying _to be better and get back to normal.”

“I just want to know what’s going on in your life, because it feels like information is being deliberately kept from me and that’s not fair, Jihyo.” Momo pleaded tiredly, sighing outwardly when she saw Jihyo’s jaw clench and her head shake slightly. “I know I can’t fix everything, I’m not that naive, but I just want to be given the chance to at least try and lighten the load slightly. Isn’t that what girlfriends are for?”

“I thought it’d already been established we’re not exactly _ conventional _girlfriends.” Jihyo scoffed quietly, still doing everything to avoid looking in Momo’s eyes. “There’s just some things that I need to sort out myself because it’s just not fair to get you involved. I’m trying to deal with them myself, it’s just some days are harder than others.”

“How am I supposed to help on those hard days if you won’t tell me how?” Momo stressed tirelessly, placing a hand on Jihyo’s shoulder to twist her whole body so they were facing each other.

“There’s nothing you _ can _do, Momo, and that’s what fucking sucks the most. I don’t want to hurt you, telling you about this problem before I’ve got it sorted is only going to hurt both of us - that’s the last thing I want to do.” Jihyo mumbled sadly, she was trying not to cry - Momo could tell by how she was crinkling her nose and staring unblinking at the ground. “I don’t want to have this discussion now, can we please just go to dinner and talk after?”

“So you can shut down after seeing a couple be romantic again? No, Jihyo we need to talk now or we won’t ever.” Momo shook her head firmly, she was putting her foot down now.

“Momo.”

“You do not get to withhold information that affects our relationship just because you’re worried it ‘might’ hurt me, that’s not how you have a healthy relationship, it’s toxic.”

“Momo, please, you don’t understand.”

“How am I supposed to understand if you don’t tell me _ anything _ . All I want, all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, and right now I can tell that you’re not. I don’t know how to make you happy again Jihyo, it’s _ killing _ me already knowing just how miserable you are.” Momo emphasised pleadingly. “Neither of us are doing okay Jihyo, and I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. _ Please _.”

It was a lie, a blatant lie she knew exactly what she needed to do to make everything better but Momo was still holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that Jihyo would choose her again - tell her she still wanted her no matter what, that she still believed ‘soulmates’ were bullshit. But Jihyo was sat on the bed now, looking up at Momo with wide desperate eyes, and she already knew she’d lost the war.

“Momo, _ please _ .” Jihyo hiccuped, tears streaming over her cheeks as she shook her head emphatically. “ _ Please _ don’t make me say it, the second I say it everything becomes real and I can’t pretend anymore. I just need a little bit more time to pretend my life isn’t changing, I just want one more day to pretend everything is normal and I don’t have to change. _ Please, _Momo, I don’t want to admit it’s happening to you.”

“Jihyo…” Momo sighed, kneeling down so they were face to face as she took both of Jihyo’s hands in her own. “We can’t pretend anymore, this isn’t healthy.”

“Momo, my parents are getting a divorce.” Jihyo choked out, her breathing erratic as tears continued to spill from her eyes. “I was trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, I tried _ so hard _ to convince myself that this was temporary and they’d just get back together but they’re _ not, _ they’re not getting back together Momo. They don’t love each other anymore, my parents aren’t in love and it _ hurts so much _.”

Tears were rolling over Momo’s cheeks before she could even think to try and stop them, a small part of her had expected this - but she’d been so convinced that her and Jihyo would just follow in Jihyo’s parents footsteps she’d not wanted to believe it could be true. And it was seeming as though Jihyo had the exact same belief.

Momo couldn’t fix this.

Jihyo had been right, this really did fucking_ hurt _.

“You’re going to be okay, Jihyo.” Momo hushed her as convincingly as she could muster, her own tears and shattering heart were making it admittedly difficult. “Maybe not right now, maybe not for a while, but you will. You’re going to grow from this and learn how to deal with it, give it a few years and you'll be able to make jokes about it, you’re the bravest person I know.”

“Clearly you don’t know many people, because I’m just about the biggest coward there is.” Jihyo scoffed incredulously, breaking out into a coughing fit as she choked on her tears.

“You _ are _ brave Jihyo, you’ve been going through this alone for so long. But _ god _why didn’t you tell me sooner, I wish you’d told me sooner because then I could’ve helped.” Momo consoled Jihyo as best as she could, as if her own heart wasn’t shattering into a million pieces.

“You know why.” Jihyo blubbered, hiccuping as she tried desperately to regulate her breathing. “Momo, you know _ exactly _why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Jihyo- ”

“My whole life I grew up thinking I was some kind of poster child for the argument against soulmates, my whole belief system was based around them and how fucking _ proud _I was of them for going against what everyone wanted for them and marrying even though they weren’t soulmates - ‘proving’ you could be in love and make it work even if you weren’t soulmates.” Jihyo interrupted before Momo could continue, she was blubbering like a baby and stumbling over all of her words as she tried to speak.

This was it. All Momo could do was squeeze Jihyo’s hands that bit tighter as everything fell apart.

“And I was wrong, it was all wrong because they fell out of love so _ easily _ . It was so quick, so sudden and so _ easy _ , Momo. They couldn’t make it work, the two people I admire the most in the whole world couldn’t make it work, they couldn’t make love stick forever.” Jihyo bawled, tears flooding down her cheeks as she ugly cried - Momo had never seen Jihyo cry so hard before, and she knew the image was going to stay with her for her whole life. “I thought that if I ignored it, buried it down and tried to never uncover it that I could persuade myself that I could do it differently - that we weren’t going to end up like them because I’d already _ met _my soulmate.”

Jihyo paused to cry harder and the words she wanted to say remained unspoken, Momo ran her thumb over Jihyo’s knuckles soothingly and sucked in a deep breath before mustering the strength to speak.

“But we’re not going to be any different _ because _you’ve already met your soulmate.” Momo finished for her hoarsely, the way Jihyo nodded made her want to throw up.

“M-Momo, I love you s-so much.” Jihyo practically panted, and Momo almost wanted to laugh at how meaningless those words were now.

“But, you love her too, don’t you?”

Jihyo’s entire body was wracked with sobs as she wailed, squeezing Momo’s hands so hard to the point it hurt beyond belief - but Momo just felt numb.

“Momo I’m s-so s-s-sorry, I’m so _fucking _sorry.” Jihyo sobbed, Momo could practically hear the guilt and shame dripping from her voice. “I tried _so_ _hard_ not to fall for her, I tried _so hard _but I’m too weak and I let it happen and I’m just so _sorry_.”

“Stop apologising.”

“Momo, I'm- ”

“Jihyo. Stop apologising.” Momo interjected before Jihyo could say anything, apologises weren’t what she needed to hear - they weren’t going to stop her heart from breaking any further. “All I want, all I’ve ever wanted and all I will ever want is for you to be happy; because you deserve all the happiness in the _ fucking _world, Jihyo. But I’m not the person who’s supposed to make you happy.”

Wide, tear-filled eyes were burning into her soul, ripping her heart to shreds but still Momo found the strength to continue.

“You are the love of my life Jihyo, but I’m not yours. We both know who is.” Momo muttered. “I know Sana is your soulmate Jihyo.”

“Momo, I’m so- ”

“Don’t apologise, really, it’s not your fault. You didn’t choose for this to happen.” Momo reassured her softly, choking back a sob as she shook her head calmly, ignoring how her tears continued to roll over her cheeks. “But, I need to stop being selfish, no matter how much I love you - how much this is _ killing _me - you are not meant to be mine, Jihyo.”

“But what if I want to be?” Jihyo mumbled dejectedly.

“You don’t. At least, you won’t forever.” Momo shook her head slowly. “But, you’re always going to love Sana - and she’s always going to love you.”

"So this is it, we're breaking up." Jihyo hiccuped, nodding to herself firmly as if she was trying to convince herself. "It's all over just like that."

"This is it." Momo confirmed gently, nodding slowly as the sadness radiated throughout her whole body.

"The worst part is that I knew this was coming, I knew that I was going to have to bite the bullet and let go eventually - but I just wanted one more weekend where I could pretend everything was as it was before Halloween." Jihyo croaked, sniffing as she tried to stop the tears from flowing. "God, all I wanted was one more romantic weekend but I couldn't even manage that without ruining everything."

"Jihyo, you're okay. We'll be okay in due time." Momo tried to console her, as if she didn't feel sick with heartbreak. “We just… we just need time.”

“Momo, I’m sorry.” Jihyo whimpered. “I never wanted this to happen, I really did want to be with you forever.”

“I know, Jihyo. It’s okay.” Momo sighed, pulling Jihyo into a hug. This really was it. “For what it’s worth, you really did make me happy.”

“You made me happy too.” Jihyo whispered sadly. “But I guess, sometimes, good things have to come to an end.”

The room was in silence as they just held each other, all Momo could hear was the quiet sound of Jihyo’s breathing and the steady beat of her heart; it hurt more than she ever imagined to know this was probably the last time she was ever going to be with Jihyo like this - she was never going to get to hold Jihyo this close and intimately again - at least for a while.

It really was over.

Jihyo gently pulled away from the embrace after about a minute and stood up from the bed, wiped her eyes and started to quietly move around the room gathering up her things whilst Momo just sat and watched, trying to find the ability to speak.

“I’m going to pack up my things and get the next bus home, I know it’s late but I just can’t stay here. I’m sorry Momo but I can’t, and I know you need your space too.” Jihyo answered her unspoken question, her voice rough and weak.

Momo just nodded mutely, letting Jihyo pack in silence - a stark contrast to the loud sobs that had wracked through the whole room not that long ago. There was a single question that continued to burn on Momo’s tongue, she was itching to say it but the answer scared her.

“I think that’s all my things, if you find anything else give it to Nayeon and she’ll pass it along.” Jihyo muttered, zipping her suitcase shut and pulling her coat over her small frame. “I’m really sorry it had to end like this Momo, I don’t think I’ll ever stop apologising because I’ll never stop feeling guilty.”

“I’m sorry too.” Momo swallowed thickly. "Are you going to see Sana tonight?"

"No, not yet." Jihyo shook her head tiredly. "I will, I… I miss her and I know I have to talk to her, but I think I need just a couple days to let- to let this all sink in before I do."

"I understand, I'm sure she'll be happy to hear from you." Momo cleared her throat stiltedly.

It wasn’t like her heart could get anymore broken anyway.

“Can I ask you something?” Momo inquired cautiously, having waited until the second before Jihyo opened the door to leave.

“Of course.” Jihyo nodded, releasing her grip on the door handle momentarily. “What is it?”

“How long?” Momo asked simply, her voice cracking slightly. “How long have you loved her?”

Jihyo frowned, shuffling awkwardly and staring down at her feet. “Do you really want to know the answer to that question?”

“Yeah, I think I do.”

Jihyo paused for thought, toying her bottom lip between her teeth before answering. “New Year’s Eve, when I saw her eyes in colour for the very first time - it felt like I was seeing a whole new person for the first time, and my heart nearly lept out of my chest.”

“Why didn’t you, y’know, be with her sooner?”

“Because I was scared.” Jihyo muttered wistfully, her voice still rough from crying as she sniffed sadly. “Scared of things changing and her not loving me back.”

“Sana loves you _ so _much, Jihyo.”

“I know. It just took me a while to realise, and then took me even longer to let myself believe it.” Jihyo sighed sadly, shooting Momo one last tearful gaze and lopsided smile. "Goodbye Momo."

Momo just nodded, not trusting her voice anymore, and waved Jihyo off as she left. It was only when she heard the door had clicked shut and Jihyo’s footsteps were no longer audible that Momo allowed herself to fully break.

She’d done the right thing, Momo knew it had to be done, but _ god it really fucking hurt. _

  
  
  
  


A bed had never felt so cold, no matter how many layers Momo piled on over her pyjamas, she’d never felt so cold and empty in her whole life; learning to sleep without Jihyo in her arms was going to feel like learning to breathe again - she couldn’t believe she’d let herself get addicted to the way it felt, the sweet smell of her shampoo and the steady sound of her breathing. Something in her chest was pleading with her to pick up the phone and beg for Jihyo to come back, but then her head knew that Jihyo wouldn’t. She’d given Jihyo an out and she’d taken it.

It was what Jihyo had needed to do, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.

The bitter pill to swallow was the knowledge that she’d lost Jihyo over a month ago, Jihyo had been in love with her soulmate since New Year’s eve and stayed with her all this time because she’d been too afraid of change and accepting that _ she’d _changed and Sana had changed with her. Momo wondered how this had affected Sana, if she’d known that Jihyo loved her back or if she’d had no idea.

She wondered how long Sana had been in love with Jihyo, if it had been _ her own _fault they’d fallen for each other - her countless attempts to get them to be friends having come back to hurt her - or if it had just happened as the universe had wanted. She wondered what Jihyo was thinking about that minute, if she was thinking about her or Sana, if she’d told Sana about their breakup yet or if she was waiting for the morning to tell her.

A thousand thoughts running through her head, and not a single one resolvable, her heart too broken and her head too distracted. But Momo still knew too things for certain: she’d done the right thing letting Jihyo go, and she really needed to be held in someone’s arms and be told she was worthy of love.

There really was only one phone number she could call, but calling them at 3am felt like a bad idea - the last thing she wanted to do was disturb them - no matter how badly she needed them right now.

So Momo lay in bed, stared up at the ceiling, pictured all the ways her life was going to change now, and waited for the sun to rise.

  
  
  
  


Sana woke up on Sunday with a familiar tightness in her chest that had persisted the whole weekend, she was almost getting used to it by now, it was a feeling she’d never really felt much in the past and whilst it was uncomfortable it didn’t make her feel sad persé - just strange. It was as if she was anticipating something, similar to the feeling of adrenaline and anxiety she got before an exam but more intense, the feeling spreading across the entire body but most concentrated in her chest. 

But, Sana wasn’t expecting anything; Momo and Jihyo weren’t supposed to return until later that night, and all she was ‘expecting’ from that return was nothing at all. Her last conversation with Momo had been difficult and left her feeling nothing but emptiness, that hollow feeling of loss and regret she felt every time she thought of Momo - only now it felt permanent, like she’d lost Momo for good and it now it made her feel sick.

She glanced over at her phone and checked the time, it was just past 11am - the latest she’d slept in for weeks, generally just the most sleep she’d gotten in _ months _. This morning just felt different, the air felt new, almost clearer, but Sana couldn’t place what exactly had changed.

Perhaps it was the prolonged silence that had plagued her life the past few days finally getting to her head, making her go stir crazy, or maybe it was something else.

The whole weekend Sana had felt off, with the tightness in her chest keeping a hold on her the whole time Momo and Jihyo had been away. Her initial reaction had been to chalk it up to simple combination jealousy and longing, but the more she dwelled on it and tried to fixate on the feeling, the more different it felt.

One thing was for certain however, this had been one of the longest weekends of her life.

Sana missed Jihyo every second of everyday, so much it was almost making her lose all sense and reasoning, because she'd managed to convince herself that Jihyo might miss her too.

The only silver lining to a weekend of anxiously awaiting Momo and Jihyo’s return was that Sana hadn’t been in agony once. Despite the couple being on a romantic Valentine’s getaway, not once had Sana been subjected to the sheer agony that she felt whenever Momo and Jihyo had sex; or at least, the pain she felt whenever Jihyo thought of her during sex. Thus, either the couple hadn’t had sex _ once _the whole weekend, or Jihyo wasn’t thinking about her at all. Sana was really hoping it was the former and not the latter. 

There was a knock at her bedroom door and Sana frowned to herself, Jeongyeon was staying with Mina until Monday as per Sana’s request, she’d initially wanted the weekend to herself but had very quickly grown to regret that decision, and Momo was still in Seoraksan.

“Who is it?” Sana queried cautiously, leaning over to grab her weighty book off her bedside table to use in defence incase it was an attacker.

“It’s Jeongyeon.” Jeongyeon’s chirpy voice rang out loud and clear.

“Come in.” Sana sighed and called out to Jeongyeon, rolling her eyes slightly at the girl as she peeked her head through the doorway with a wide grin. “What are you doing here, Jeong? I thought you promised to stay at Mina’s dorm all weekend?”

“Well, Mina and I are going out for Sunday brunch and we thought you should tag along.” Jeongyeon smiled proudly, and Sana immediately knew it was her idea to invite her along - and that she _ definitely _had an ulterior reasoning to just casual brunch. “There’s this really nice little café like 10 minutes from here, they do great brunch. C’mon, I know for a fact you want a mimosa.”

“I appreciate the offer,” Sana started, sighing at how Jeongyeon’s face fell immediately, “but I’m not in the mood for brunch, I’ll sit this one out. Have fun on your date.”

“You need to leave the apartment, it’s not healthy for you to stay cooped up in here all by yourself, please come with us - Mina is paying the whole cheque too so you don’t have to worry about money!” Jeongyeon pressed, moving further into Sana’s room and taking a seat at her desk - this wasn’t going to be an easy ‘no’. “Sana, Mina and I are worried about you - please come to brunch with us.”

“Jeong, I love you and I really do appreciate your concern, but I’m fine - you don’t need to drag me out on your dates.” Sana tried her best to reassure her, but it was blatantly obvious Jeongyeon wasn’t about to take no for an answer and she wasn’t convinced by her reassurance.

“Have you left the apartment at _ all _this weekend?” Jeongyeon asked simply, but the way she was eyeing Sana showed that she already knew the answer.

“Well, no, but- ”

“You can’t shut yourself away from the rest of the world forever Sana, I know how easy it is to do that, but it’s not the right thing to do.” Jeongyeon sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I know you’re having a really shitty weekend, I know it must be difficult for you having to know Jihyo is having a romantic weekend away with Momo, but- ”

“What makes you think I give a shit what Jihyo does with Momo.” Sana interrupted with a scoff, recoiling in faux disbelief.

“Sana, stop it.”

“What do you mean ‘_ stop’ _ , Momo and Jihyo are girlfriends - why would I be upset they’re having a romantic weekend away together.” Sana shrugged as coolly as she could, but her tone was harsh and her jaw clenched. She really was a bad liar. “It’s not like Jihyo is my soulmate or anything, why the _ fuck _would I be pissed off or upset that she’s having a romantic Valentine’s getaway with my best friend?”

“Sana, you’re allowed to be angry.” Jeongyeon answered sympathetically, Sana’s lip quivered and the spell was broken. “Fuck, I would’ve been _ beyond _ furious if Mina had dated anyone else after finding out I was her soulmate. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re dealing with, and I know there really isn’t anything I can do to fix it but I just _ hate _seeing you pull away like this. Sana, you’re still one of our closest friends, we still love you and want you around.”

“Why? All I’ve done is fuck up and take it all out on other people?” Sana grumbled, eyes welling up with tears.

“People make mistakes, it happens, that doesn’t mean we stop liking you.” Jeongyeon chuckled softly, standing up from her seat and stretching. “If you still want to be our friend, we are always going to want to be yours. No matter what happens between you and Momo and Jihyo, you’re always going to be a friend to Mina and I, and there’s no _ fucking _way Nayeon could ever hate you with the sheer number of times you’ve gotten her laid.”

Sana laughed quietly to herself, sniffling as she delicately dabbed at her eyes, Jeongyeon just watching her silently with that trademarked smirk on her face, before looking down at her phone and laughing out loud.

“Mina texted me, Nayeon is coming too and there’s no way you want to miss Nayeon getting messy drunk before noon off mimosa’s.” Jeongyeon giggled, looking at Sana pointedly as if asking her a silent question. “You coming?”

“Yeah.” Sana smiled shyly, wiping at her eyes and clambering out of bed. “Just give me time to get ready.”

Jeongyeon smiled at her proudly, shoving her phone in her pocket and pulling Sana into a tight hug that Sana melted into instantly. “We’ve really missed you Sana, never forget how much we love you.”

“I won’t.” Sana whispered contentedly, before pulling at Jeongyeon’s jumper gently. “Now let me go before you crush me.”

  
  
  
  


Having a constant in her life was something Sana had never really realised she’d been missing until her and Jeongyeon met up with Mina and Nayeon at brunch. After having spent the last few months having to rapidly adjust to all of the changes she had been going through, Sana had almost forgotten what it felt like to have everything feel like _ nothing _had changed. There was no lingering pang of discomfort and jealousy in her stomach, her chest wasn’t aching from heartbreak and her head felt genuinely clear.

The awkwardness she’d been expecting as a result of her outburst at Momo the week before wasn’t there, the conversation had just flowed as it had never even happened - there hadn’t been a single second where Sana had felt like she didn’t belong - and for the first time in a long time, Sana _ genuinely _believed that she might be okay if she had to live the rest of her life that, as long as she felt like she had people in her corner maybe Sana could cope with being without Jihyo.

Nayeon got drunk on bottomless mimosas within the first 30 minutes of getting there, having been a victim to Jeongyeon’s peer pressure and her own desperation to prove that she _ could _ handle her drink (she could not). It got to the point where Mina had needed to beg the waiter to cut her off and not let her have anymore, pointedly ignoring Nayeon’s very loud complaints and Jeongyeon’s near hysterical laughter. Despite Mina nearly having an aneurysm and Nayeon almost getting alcohol poisoning, it was still the perfect morning/afternoon - already the best day Sana had had in awhile.

It was a shame that it would inevitably be ruined by Momo and Jihyo’s return that evening.

Sana texted Jeongyeon the entire walk back to the apartment, brushing off Jeongyeon’s proficient apologies for her not being able to go back with her; part of her knew that she really needed to face whatever was going to happen that evening by herself - there was no way Jeongyeon was going to be able to help, and she didn’t want her to be stuck in the middle.

The cold air nipped at her skin as she briskly walked back to their apartment, but she didn’t hate the feeling. She passed the 7/11 where she’d run into Jihyo that cold night in November, the night she first saw the colour orange and the last time Sana saw Jihyo before she went home for her sister’s birthday. It was near baffling just how much had changed in such a short space of time, like how her chest no longer ached at the sight of the convenience store, Sana no longer felt sick as she recalled that memory.

Something had changed, but she didn’t know what. She hadn’t passed that 7/11 in weeks, but it had always hurt her to see it before, but now it made her chest tighten in anticipation again. Before she had time to dwell on it any further, their apartment building came into view and all Sana could think about was getting home and getting warm.

  
  
  
  


Something was wrong, and Sana noticed it the second she crossed the threshold from the hallway into the apartment; the atmosphere was different, heavier almost, thick with this tension as if there had just been a huge argument - but she’d left the apartment empty, and it was barely 3pm so Momo shouldn’t be back yet.

Something was different, physically; Sana let her gaze drift around the living area and tried to pin down what was missing, but she couldn’t tell. It was nothing big enough to be immediately noticeable, but still it was enough to make her feel anxious and have her eyes scanning every single inch of the apartment trying to isolate what had changed. It just _ felt _like someone had been there whilst she was gone. 

Her initial worry was that they’d been robbed while she was out, but all their valuables were still there and there wasn’t any sign that someone had broken in beyond a gut feeling. So, Sana let her guard drop, chalked it up to paranoia and stress, calmly slipped her shoes off and padded down the corridor towards her bedroom; swinging the door open and halting in her tracks the second their eyes locked.

Momo was sat on her bed, a large suitcase next to her and tears rolling over her cheeks.

Something was _ wrong. _

“Momo? What are you doing here?” Sana questioned, spluttering in disbelief as she tried to comprehend what was happening. “I could’ve sworn you were getting the late bus back tonight?”

Momo didn’t say anything, just shifted her gaze to her lap and exhaled deeply - her whole body shaking as she tried to regulate her breathing. It almost felt as though Sana was staring into a mirror, watching herself in third person, given the sheer number of times she’d found herself in a similar state to Momo; Sana wanted to say something, but she just didn’t know what.

“Momo?” Sana tried again and Momo just pressed her face against her hands and released a loud sob, Sana immediately sprung into action and raced to sit down next to her, pulling her into an embrace. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“_ God _, Sana, I’m just so sorry.” Momo wept pitifully, hiccuping as her sobs got louder and louder. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“What? I don’t understand.” Sana frowned, a mixture of perplexed yet ever so slightly hopeful. “What are you apologising for?”

“For _ everything _ .” Momo spluttered, shaking violently in Sana’s arms as she tried to compose herself enough to talk. “God, I knew _ everything _and I still tried to hold onto her, I just let you get hurt.”

“I don’t- ”

“Sana, I knew you and her were soulmates - I guessed it the second you had that outburst and yelled at me last week - and I decided to take her away for the weekend to try to hold onto her, because I didn’t want to lose her.” Momo sobbed, Sana took deep breaths, not wanting to cry, and let Momo keep speaking. “But I was so selfish and naive and fucking _ stupid _because I lost her months ago, I just didn’t know that I had.”

“Momo, you didn’t lose anything.” Sana consoled her gently, swallowing her pride and the lump in her throat - trying to not sound as bitter as she felt. “She _ chose you, _remember? I’m the one who lost her.”

“She didn’t choose me, she chose getting to play pretend for one more weekend before facing reality. And we didn’t even get one more weekend.” Momo croaked, shaking her head slowly and miserably. “I don’t know why I let myself hope she’d pick me, there was always only one option for her and it was never me.”

“What are you saying?” Sana asked carefully, her voice hesitant and cautious - her heart saying one thing but her head saying another.

“We broke up.” Momo whimpered hopelessly, Sana had never felt so guilty for being so relieved. “We had this huge fight last night because she was doing that thing again where she pretends everything is fine, but then freaks out and recoils at the strangest of triggers; and she refused to _ just tell me why _and I just got tired.”

“Was it to do with her parents?”

“Yeah… this couple got engaged at dinner and it sent her on this spiral. I knew it was over the second she told me they were divorcing.” Momo mumbled mournfully, seemingly unphased at how Sana already knew about her parents, sighing when Sana squeezed her tighter. “I’ve never seen anyone cry so hard Sana, it broke me seeing her like that and I knew that I was only making it worse.”

“Well… what now?” Sana inquired attentively, her heart rate picking up when Momo pulled back from their embrace and looked her in the eyes. “What happens next?”

“You know what happens next Sana. You don’t need to act like it’s not obvious, I was never supposed to be hers - she was never mine.” Momo murmured forlornly, gently interlocking their hands and squeezing as she tried to shoot Sana her most convincing smile. “What happens now is simple.”

There was this unspoken clause that came with their breakup, and not knowing what it was made Sana feel sick to her stomach; she knew it wasn’t going to be what she wanted. 

“Momo, I could _ never _ put you through that.” Sana was quick to object, no matter how much pain she’d been in the past few months because she _ wasn’t _with her soulmate, she didn’t want to make Momo feel miserable in her own home - like she had felt. “I can move out, give you some space. I’ll sleep on Nayeon’s floor for a while, or even Mina’s, I’m sure they won’t mind. If that’s what you need - space - just say the word.”

Momo just scoffed lightly and stared at her lap, tears still silently streaming over her cheeks as she toyed with her bottom lip. Sana really didn’t want to hear what she had to say next, the way she was fiddling with the handle of her suitcase was telling her everything and now Sana couldn’t stand to hear the rest.

“You’re right, I _ do _need space. But I’m never going to get enough if I stay here, I’m surrounded by mementos and reminders of her. How am I supposed to heal here?” Momo muttered, Sana could feel the hot tears streaming down her cheeks. “I called my mom this morning and she recommended I take the rest of the semester off, go back to Kyoto and get over her. She’s been on the phone with the school board all morning, and I think they’re going to let me do it because my grades are good.”

“Momo… please don’t leave.” Sana cried softly. “What if you don’t come back?”

“Then you’ll be free to be happy with your soulmate without having to worry about how _ I’m _ feeling, you won’t have to feel so guilty about being in love.” Momo hushed her gently, speaking as if she wasn’t also in tears. “But, I just can’t be here right now - any reminder of her just makes me _ ache, _and right now you remind me of her.”

“What am I supposed to do without you?” Sana hiccuped, bottom lip quivering as she wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve.

“Well, for starters, be happy, you won.” Momo giggled teasingly, Sana simply rolled her eyes and scoffed. “I’m serious Sana, you won - you got your soulmate! I’m happy for you.”

“Does she even want me back, though? She still doesn’t even _ believe _in soulmates.” Sana mumbled dejectedly and stared at her lap.

Both her hands were clasped tightly, Momo squeezing them slightly to get Sana to look her in the eyes.

“Sana, you have no idea just how badly Jihyo loves you.” Momo told her earnestly, the telltale waiver to her voice telling Sana just how much it hurt for Momo to admit it. “Give her a little while to heal, but that girl _ adores _ you - she was just too scared to admit it.”

  
  
  
  


After Momo left, getting in a taxi to go to the airport as Sana sobbed near hysterically, Sana spent no more than 5 minutes in their apartment before leaving again. It had never felt so empty, and no matter how happy and excited Sana knew she should feel that Jihyo was single and _ actually _in love with her - all her mind could fixate on was how Momo was gone again - and this time she genuinely had no idea if she’d come back.

She’d walked around the city for an hour before breaking down and admitting to herself that she needed to talk to someone - she needed someone to distract her from how complicated her head and heart felt. 

Both her head and her heart always felt like they were at war, always at opposite ends of the spectrum; her head telling her to meet with one person, but her heart telling her to call up someone different. She knew which was the right option, but the other truly was an enticing option.

So she called them, arranged to meet for coffee at 5:30pm - labelling the meetup urgent to ensure they wouldn’t try to get out of it.

Sana was early again, her anxiety and restless energy getting the better of her, so there she was, sat awkwardly in the back of her favourite coffee shop - drumming her fingers on her coffee mug as she anxiously waited for the other to get there; she pulled her pink cardigan tighter over her torso, a sudden slight draught cold against her skin. There were so many things she wanted to say to them, so many questions she wanted to ask and she didn’t know where to even begin. Her mind running rampant, still struggling to process everything Momo had told her.

The familiar faint ringing of the doorbell piqued her interest, and Sana immediate instinct was to sit bolt upright under the assumption it was likely them, trying to maneuver herself so she was easier for them to spot. 

But, her and Mina had been to this café countless times and they _ always _ sat at this exact table, so when Sana went to move so Mina could spot her she was nearly given a heart attack when she saw Mina stood directly in front of her. Her facial expression wasn’t _ exactly _annoyed, but begging Mina to leave her warm dorm room without a proper explanation certainly hadn’t made her happy - and the way her eyebrow was quirked and her gaze remained unreadable, it was clear she was keen for Sana to get to the point.

“Wow Mina! Fancy seeing you here, what a crazy coincidence!” Sana joked lightly, trying to get Mina to crack a smile but the girl merely rolled her eyes.

“What’s going on Sana? Jeongyeon and I were about to start the new season of Stranger Things, and I’m almost certain that if I leave her waiting for too long she’s just gonna start without me.” Mina sighed, taking the seat opposite, leaning back in it slightly and eyeing Sana suspiciously. “What’s happened in the time between brunch and now?”

Sana bit down on the inside of her cheek to stop the involuntary grin from spreading across her features. “Momo and Jihyo broke up.” Sana winced slightly when Mina’s jaw dropped. “Momo was waiting for me in my bedroom back at the apartment, she told me when I got back.”

“Holy shit…” Mina mumbled in shock, sinking further into her chair. “When?”

“Last night, they had a big fight and I guess Momo just realised she couldn’t hold onto Jihyo any longer.” Sana explained coolly, trying to sound nonchalant so to mask how excited yet guilty she felt. “Apparently Jihyo came back from the hotel early as well, Momo said she left pretty much straight after they broke up.”

“God, I really don’t know how to react. I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised but- but I never thought they’d break up so _ quick _.” Mina murmured, running her hands through her hair and releasing a deep exhale. “God, I hope they’re both doing okay.”

“I don’t know how Jihyo is, I was going to reach out but I thought it might be best to give her a couple of days. Didn’t want her getting the wrong impression from me messaging her straight after her breakup.” Sana replied, Mina bobbed her head slightly.

“Yeah, that was probably a good idea. I mean, neither me nor Jeong have heard from her, and Nayeon didn’t mention anything either. Maybe she’s gone into hiding?” Mina offered, Sana simply shrugging in silent uncertainty. “What about Momo, how is she?”

“She’s, uhh- ” Sana paused to clear her throat and gather her thoughts, that dull ache in her chest was back and she had no idea what to say. “She’s really heartbroken, Momo really isn’t doing well at all.”

“What’s she going to do?”

“Well, for starters, she’s currently at the airport to catch a flight back to Japan- ”

“I’m sorry, she’s doing _ what _?” Mina interrupted, leaning forward to stare at Sana in disbelief.

“She’s going back to Kyoto to heal, because she doesn’t think she can ever heal if she stays in Seoul instead of getting away.” Sana clarified, but from the look on Mina’s face she really wasn’t at all convinced.

“What about classes? Is she just going to skip all of them?” Mina asked, clearly confused.

“I don’t really know what her whole plan is, I think she’s taking a semester off and coming back for the summer term, but I think this was a pretty spur of the moment decision.” Sana winced, the more she thought about Momo the more her whole body just _ ached _ . “But, what was I supposed to do? Refuse to let her leave? Make her stay and watch me… spend time with her ex girlfriend? I’ve made a _ lot _of stupid and selfish decisions Mina, but I wasn’t about to force her to go through what I did.”

“Is she going to come back?” Mina queried with uncertainty, as if she herself was afraid of the answer; Sana was too.

“Honestly? I have no idea.” Sana released an unsteady breath, and Mina immediately reacted by reaching over and holding her hand. “I really hope she does.”

“Me too.” Mina hummed. “Now, tell me, what you’re going to do about Jihyo?”

The smile that spread across Sana’s features was involuntary, almost as if it was an instinct, and Mina returned it with an easy smile of her own - the mood shifting almost instantly, and Sana felt something akin to excitement in her heart.

“I don’t know, honestly I haven’t given it a whole lot of thought. I’ve been so busy thinking about Momo leaving, and worrying about her, I never really gave the implications of it all a whole lot of thought.” Sana admitted, she could feel her cheeks flushing slightly. “I’d kind of given up on Jihyo and I _ ever _being together, I really don’t know how to react.”

“It’s what you deserve, what you _ both _ deserve.” Mina beamed at her. “If anything, now you get to spend more time with her without feeling heartbroken and knowing that it _ could _go somewhere. I mean, like you said, beforehand you didn’t…”

Mina was talking, she could tell from how she was gesturing and smiling wildly, but Sana couldn’t hear a single word Mina was saying because in that second her ears picked up on that familiar ring of the bell above the door - and her brain just _ knew _it was something worth paying attention to. Sana peered past Mina carefully, not wanting to alert Mina and cause any confusion, but equally curious as to who it was who’d just entered the caé.

In her heart she already knew exactly who it was, she didn’t even need to see them, but the second she caught a glimpse she felt comfort.

It’d been over a week since she’d last seen Jihyo, and Jihyo looked as though she hadn’t slept at all that entire time. Even from where Sana was sat she could see the bags under her eyes, her skin slightly paler and expression neutral - but none of it mattered, because Sana’s heart still fluttered the same when she looked at her.

There was something about the way that Jihyo’s eyes sparkled the second she turned and met Sana’s gaze, something about it that set thousands of butterflies off in Sana’s stomach; something magical about knowing _ she _was the reason that Jihyo was now smiling shyly, a light blush tinting her cheeks as they continued to watch one another. The moment felt strangely intimate and private, despite them being in a coffee shop full of people.

Sana watched Jihyo order, waiting excitedly for Jihyo to turn back around and look at her - it was like she was a teenager in highschool with a crush, she almost felt ridiculous, but she also just didn’t give a single shit.

Now wasn’t the right time for them, Sana was ready to accept that fact for the first time in a while because all she was excited about was knowing that there was likely going to be a right time for her and Jihyo - and she couldn’t wait for them to get there. 

Jihyo was staring at her phone screen now, but she was still smiling. Sana pouted to herself as she watched Jihyo accept her order and turn to leave, they hadn’t even spoken to each other - but just seeing Jihyo had been enough and now Sana really didn’t want her to leave. She watched Jihyo shoot her one more winning smile, gesture at her phone shyly before slipping out of the coffee shop.

It was a text, Jihyo had texted her, and Sana couldn’t stop herself from blushing as she read it.

  
  


Jihyo [20:44pm]

hi :)

have i ever told you the colour pink

really suits you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed, once again I'm so sorry for such a long wait!  
I almost can't believe it's over, I hope *most* of you are happy with the ending, it's kind of an open/hopeful ending(?) but to me it felt like the best way to end this story. This fic has been a crazy ride, I wrote it through some of the hardest times of my life so it means a lot to me and I'm crazy overwhelmed by the response it's gotten. But, now it's time to say goodbye to this AU!  
(at least for now)  
Follow me on twitter @babysahyo (i changed my @, it was @hasubongi)  
Send me CC's, link in pinned, and check out my Jichaeng social media AU (also in pinned) if you haven't already!  
Leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed, I'd really appreciate it!
> 
> Once again, thank you ALL for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!!  
Follow me on twitter: @hasubongi  
Send me CC's, link in pinned, and check out my Mihyo social media AU (also in pinned) if you haven't already!  
Thank you, and see you again soon (hopefully)


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